Confused. Help me find out who I am. Thanks

[Lilian Sport Lover]

can I get some help from people who went thru this cd journey. ?

[Katey888]

Yes, of course...

I suspect you might just need to give us a little more about yourself? (Post an Intro in the Intro section... )

Or perhaps be a teeny bit more helpful about which part of the 'cd journey'.... We all have different stories and you can read a lot of them here already.

Spill the beans, girl!

Katey x

[Nadine Spirit]

I agree with Katie. If you would be willing to tell a bit about yourself I am sure that myself and others could at least give you some opinions for you to consider.

Everyone's "cd journey" is a bit different. There are some common threads but it is difficult to comment on what you are going through without knowing anything about you besides that you are confused, would like some help, and consider yourself to be on a "cd journey."

[Paula_Femme]

Hi Lovepink

Just to hammer the point home, you're not really giving us a lot to go on here; your post has been read over 130 times, and mine is only the 3rd response.

If you have specific questions or worries or fears, explain them as fully as you can; you'll find we're a pretty eclectic bunch here, and once you start a "conversation," you'll probably get more answers than you know what to do with!

Good luck!
Paula

[JayeLefaye]

I'll add a fourth response, but will pretty much echo what everyone else has already said.

Wishing you the best, and hoping that you know you're not alone...That's why we're here.

Jaye

[Suzie Petersen]

can I get some help from people who went thru this cd journey. ?

Yep, you can

A good option is to look at some of the many threads here first. Chances are your questions have already been asked by someone else at least once.
And .. you can also just ask

Hugs
Suzie

[Tracii G]

You need to open up to get answers.
How can we help if we don't know more about your situation?
There are no cut and dried answers when it comes to gender issues and that goes for CD ing as well.
Welcome we are glad you are here by the way.

[Lilian Sport Lover]

I am very thankful for this wonderful support. I am going to describe my feeling, habits, concerns, interests,... Hoping to get some feedback from you all. I am 35 year old man.
I love to crossdress (alone at home), I like the sensations of female clothes against my body. I do not like that much to see myself in the mirror as a woman (but I do not hate seeing myself crossdressed). The pleasure comes from the very tight feeling of my clothes, the shaking of my artificial boobs, the sensation of a bra holding my upper body, the feeling of wig s hair touching my front face and shoulder, the tight skirt against my legs, the wonderful feeling of continuously pulling down the short skirt, the movement of my hips when in high heels. ...I can wear super high heel shoes for 4 hours without at all sitting. My concern is that why am I not liking to see myself in the mirror as much? Is it only in my head? Is it being ashamed of being a cross,...
2. I often dream of being with a man as his passive female sexual partner. However, when I am in the gym I find myself not interested in looking at naked men at all. When I see a naked man I get zero sexual feeling. I enjoy talking to men with strong personality. I love to stare at naked women but I never got an erection or sexual excitements from seeing a male body. However, if a man does touch (hug) me I sometimes get sexually excited. When I was a teenager few young men did touch me in a sexual way and invited me to go home with them but I never did. However, I did noticed that I liked it when I was touched ( was never naked) and even had an erection when I was touched by them. Am I just crossdresser or am I more?

When I see a beautiful women I do enjoy looking at her in a sexual way but I also look at exactly how she is dressed, how she matched her colors, how she fixed her hair,... But I also begin having thoughts like I wish I had her legs as my legs, I wish I had her fingernails as mine, what a pleasure it would have been if I was her .. However, I never hate myself for being a man or having a penis.

Here is my main concern, when I do have sex with a girl on a daily basis my urge to crossdress becomes much less and my dream of being with a man is much much less. However, when I am not with a girl for a week or more I only fantasize about being someone s girlfriend.

Looking for your good feedback and experience. Greatly appreciation to your input.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Lovepink

Your story is not dissimilar to some of our other members. I can understand the confusion of not wanting to see yourself in the mirror. It can take along time to accept this part of yourself. When you do you will be more relaxed. Please take time to read the threads here and you will find a lot of valuable information.

[pamela7]

from your description sounds like you're able to be bisexual and happy hetero as default. Without trying a male-male relationship you would not know if the sexual desire for women would also diminish in that instance. A well-rounded human being would be naturally all things I believe, so the main life focus should be on accepting yourself as you are!

xxx Pamela

[Marcelle]

Hi there,

Believe it or not, you are not different from many who are on this site. Looking at oneself dressed as a woman in the mirror can be quite difficult because what we do is not readily accepted by society and as such we can feel a big amount of shame/guilt when dressed. Therefore looking at yourself in the mirror may be difficult until you can accept this part of you. That could be one explanation. The other potential explanation could be that cross dressing for you is a bit of a fetishistic fantasy where you dress up as your ideal fantasy woman which gives you a great amount of joy and erotic pleasure. Specifically, you can visualize what you want to look like in your mind and the clothing, breast forms, wig all provide the sensations of that fantasy but, looking in the mirror would eliminate the fantasy in your mind hence not wanting to look at yourself. You also note that when you have sex with a woman your desire to dress and be with men (in the female role) diminishes. I would ask, is the woman you are with one that you would like to emulate (be her when dressed)? If she is, it is probable (and I only say probable because I am not an expert) that your dressing acts as a bit of surrogate for sexual relief (in this case you are the fantasy woman). However, when you do have sex with your fantasy woman (a real woman in this case), the need to express your sexual desires via cross dressing is not as strong. This is not to say you are not a cross dresser (I believe you are) but more so that one acts for the other when you are not in a relationship with a woman.

You talked about looking at women and wanting their legs, fingernails or how it would be a pleasure just being her but, you still like your penis. This is not uncommon for some along the TG spectrum. I spend about 40 percent of my time female and it feels right but, I also like all my working parts where they are.

Regarding dreaming about being with a man in the female role, it is possible you my be bisexual then again it could also just be part of the fantasy you have created when dressed. Sexuality is a funny thing and while you may get feelings when touched by men (e.g., hugged) it does not necessarily mean you are bisexual but could also mean you curious about your own sexuality. This aspect of your life might take some exploring on your own to determine where your sexuality lies.

Hugs

Isha

[Katey888]

Thank you Lovepink - that certainly helps a lot...

I think you will find many similar stories if you read a lot here - your experience and feelings seems to be more on the fetishistic side of CDing, but many of us begin that way. What you are expressing is not unusual for a type of crossdresser. The sexual aspects of this can be a substitute for sex with a partner (when none is available) and there is also an aspect of this known as autogynephilia (or AGP) that might have some relevance to you (check out the web for articles on this) - you also mention a concern about not liking what you see in the mirror as if your imagination is creating a different image... I don't believe this is unusual either. Some of us may just be fortunate enough to emulate a woman's looks somewhat convincingly: others are not able to do that and some may never feel completely comfortable, but this may also improve with time and self-acceptance. If you can begin to understand that what you are feeling is a condition that you cannot control, then sometimes it becomes easier to manage - be patient, and don't beat yourself up over something you have no control over.

Your sexuality is likely to be something separate from your apparent gender issues - again, these fantasies do seem quite common, but it doesn't mean they ever come to anything real. If they do however, and if this is a part of you that seems to need more exploration, then again this is partly about self-acceptance. There is nothing wrong with these feelings (although in your part of the world there may be a lot of stigma and shame associated with both crossdressing and non-hetero behaviour - I'm guessing you're not from the UK or US?) but you just need to take care in how you go about exploring them.

These are all very difficult and confusing feelings to have and to try to understand. I'd recommend seeing some sort of counsellor who would be accepting and understanding of these conditions that you could talk to - I'm sure that would help you a lot. Otherwise, you could also read a lot of the history here when you find someone with a similar story to your own - and take your time and be patient with yourself. Shame and guilt is also common to many of us thanks to a particular type of upbringing and values - these take time and self-accpetance to come to terms with... but you are not doing anything wrong; you are not 'sick' although there may be a condition behind some of these feelings; this is as much a part of you as the colour of your eyes or the shape of your nose - it is a completely natural (if unusual) condition.

Be patient - as we say here: Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x

[Lilian Sport Lover]

Ido not get erection when I am crossdressed. I do not like to touch myself in a sexual way when crossdressed. I do feel great pleasure and joy by feeling that I am a woman. That intense pleasure is so strong that if I am dressed in night gown/bra (in bed) I would not be able to fall asleep for hours. When dressed I like to see my body in the mirror. When I see my face I do feel shame sometimes. However,I never have the time to put makeup and wig to crossdress my face. I do not dress in the same way as my fantasy girls would like them to. I do not like big breast but I wear one, I do not like to see girls with g string but I wear one. I choose the clothes that make me FEEL like a woman. I do enjoy it when a masculine looking gay man finds me attractive by staring at me, or when a man or a woman makes positive comments about my clothes ( when dressed as a man in public ). I like to see the girls naked and not in lingerie. Picture of Naked girls no longer turn me on or even porno movies ( at least not as much as they did during teenage years). I now enjoy touching during sex versus seeing. I like more and more to hug and touch and cuddle during sex. I just enjoy the touching much more then quick sex.

Thank you for your support. Great info indeed.