I'd rather you have cancer! :(

[CONSUELO]

It is likely that what was said was done so when under great stress. Also, as others have said, she may have meant that it would be easier for her to deal with you being diagnosed with cancer. If you did have cancer she would find a lot of public support systems that she could use as well as support from family and friends. In your circumstance she probably feels very alone with no one to help share her burden and grief at the loss of her "man".

[PaulaQ]

If you and your wife have had a decent relationship up to this point, you can find a
way to include this into it. Sure things will change between the two of you, but the love that
tied the two of you together can't be erased.

Well, this is a transition, not CDing, so while I believe the quality of their relationship is a factor here, my observation is that it isn't in the way that most of us would expect.

My ex-wife and I separated four months after I came out to her, at her request, and ultimately divorced. I hadn't started transition at the time we separated. We'd been married 17 years, and together for nearly 20. We had the relationship that everyone thought would last 'til death do us part.

My boyfriend, who's FtM, had always been open with his wife about the possibility of transition - and indeed, it should have come as no surprise to his wife - they'd been together for 13 years, and he'd never lived a day with her as a woman. He'd lived fulltime as a man since at least puberty. And yet the day he started testosterone, his wife broke down crying - she was losing the person she loved. They separated soon after, and divorced.

I can tell you a lot of stories like this, unfortunately. Indeed, most of us who are married and transition, not all, but most, end up divorcing. Of the couples I do know who stay together, the marriage doesn't tend to be much like it was before, and it's often not exactly what people would think of when they use the phrase "happy marriage."

I am very, very sorry to be writing this. I don't want to be negative here, because I do know some couple's who seem to be happy after one of them transitions. I watched a seemingly happy couple in Austin last week who I personally know. They were there together, lobbying our legislature against anti-trans bills they are trying to pass here in Texas. She said "I am much happier being married to a happy woman than I was being married to a miserable man." Don't give up on this - but know that realistically, the odds are not in your favor.

The odds your marriage will survive this are not good - I'm not trying to be negative, but I'm in a position to know a great many trans people, and stories of divorce for those of us who transition are very common - I'd estimate 8 or 9 out of 10 of us who are married end up divorced.

If I could recommend a couple of things to you, they would be:
1. Get counseling for the two of you, someone who has experience with gender issues and marriages. (Most gender therapists probably have dealt with many marriages - these issues are commonplace.) There is a chance you can work this out - although be warned that the marriage that emerges may not much resemble the one you started out in.

2. Don't compromise fundamentally on your transition. This seems selfish - but would you put off treatment for cancer because your wife wanted you to for some reason? You can compromise on everything else - and you probably should. But don't put that on the table. It just can't be.

3. Make a plan for what happens should you split up, both financially and legally. This seems cold - and let's hope you never have to use this plan. But I'd recommend having one, because I've noticed a couple of things that tend to happen in these situations. The transitioning spouse often feels very guilty, and just lets their partner have it all. I've seen many trans people who've impoverished themselves in this manner. Alternatively, some of us react in anger, and are really fairly nasty to our spouse, settling on things that are unfair. You don't want to do this - this is a person you love, after all. I do recommend though making a plan that protects the both of you, and is fair to both of you - at least start thinking about this. Believe me, if things don't improve between the two of you, this will not get easier to do. Even if you aren't ready to even think about something like this - and I don't blame you if you are not - have a plan for where you'll go and what you'll do if you are asked to leave. This happens too. This is especially important if you have minor children - you need to plan for them as well.

I'd like to tell you "love conquers all." Unfortunately, that's not typically what I see with transgender people. Should the worst happen, the best ways for you to think about this, in my opinion are to realize:
1. People get divorced all the time. If it comes to that, know that while your situation may not be typical, it doesn't really matter whether or not you divorced because you transition, or because you couldn't agree on how to handle your finances together.

2. People who get divorced frequently do so because the individuals in the couple change. People change over time, not always in compatible ways. You are going to be making some big changes. It's not anyone's fault if the two of you aren't compatible after this.

Your wife is going to go through a grieving process. She may find a way to reconcile this, and stay in the relationship, or she may not. But understand this, if she does stay with you while you transition, in many ways, she herself has to go through a transition. Not everyone is cut out for this.

I wish I could give you better news. I really wish I could. I'm not saying your marriage is hopeless. But realistically, you need to prepare for the worst case, because it's a fairly probable outcome. I speak from my own experiences, those of my boyfriend, my roommate, and of the several hundred other trans people I know. Because I am part of a trans outreach group, I get to hear a lot of these stories, and also talk with a lot of people whose marriages did survive. And I can tell you that as heartbreaking as what I'm about to say sounds, it's the truth - the worst outcome is sometimes not divorcing. I see this with trans people with young children quite often.

Best of luck, Lynne. I hope you two make it, I sincerely mean that.

[Suzanne F]

I am transitioning with the support of my wife. I agree with Paula that it is not the norm to stay together. My wife and I seem to be at a great point in all of this at the moment. However, we realize that things may change. I started HRT 2 weeks ago. I think the key to our making it this far has been honest communication. It has been very tough at times. She has fought changes at times and tried to control the process. Some of our disagreements seem silly now like when I pierced my ears!
Now she has caught up with me and we are on the same page. We have untangled ourselves which has been difficult but healthy. I based my life on her approval which was helping me hide and detrimental to me. I found that I have to do what is right for me and allow her to make her own decisions as to how she wants to proceed.

Yesterday she passed out invitations to my 50th birthday at a meeting we attended. I read the invitation and it struck me. Here was my beautiful wife inviting our friends to my party with Suzanne on the invitation. This may not seem like a big deal since I live as a woman among all these friends. However, I just stopped and soaked it in. How far she has come and how strong she is. We cried together about it last night as I thanked her. We may very well not make it like most but it won't be for lack of love!

Suzanne

[Megan G]

Lynne,

I am also transitioning and to date my wife had been there by my side. Has it been easy? Hell no there have been a few times where I thought to myself "this is it, it's over" but we are still here together. Just for the record it has been just shy of two years now that I have been on HRT with her full support.

Like your wife, mine has blasted out a few comments that have truly hurt but like the others said this is a rough time for them. They are grieving the loss of their husband as they know you. There are stages of this grief that they will go thru..

Yes the odds of staying together are not good but there are a few of us here and out there that have managed to remain married. I will admit the relationship is not what it once was but we still love, respect and honor each other.

I wish you the best, it's not easy..

Megan

[Dianne S]

The odds your marriage will survive this are not good.

I agree completely with Paula. Transition is a life-changing event for both the person transitioning and the one left behind. It's doubly bitter because the person transitioning often feels relieved or even elated while the one not transitioning feels a huge sense of loss and foreboding.

It takes an extremely strong marriage to survive a trauma like that. Most people, even ones with marriages they think are happy, do not have that strong a marriage.

So good luck. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

[Beverley Sims]

Transition is such a big step and maybe your wife is not ready for such a cruel deal to her life.

Have you discussed it with her in a sobering manner.

I have had cancer, I don't seem to have it any more.

Yes it may come back.

[PaulaQ]

It takes an extremely strong marriage to survive a trauma like that. Most people, even ones with marriages they think are happy, do not have that strong a marriage.

Not to quibble, but I don't like to use terms like "strong marriage." There are marriages that survive all kinds of trials, that fall to this. Actually the couple's who seem most likely to stay together are either those with minor children, or couple's who's relationship is not very sexual in the first place.

Otherwise, almost all of whether or not you stay married depends on her. Very religious, or very straight women often simply can't deal with this. Like I said, she has to be willing to make this journey too, and it just isn't for most people.

[lynnef]

Yesterday night, we talked some more, and she is going to see a counselor, and try and figure out what to do....

for everyone who jumped on me about not telling her about this, I have been telling her every step, and she has known about my appointment for several months, but as ReineD said, she might have confused anti-androgen for anti depressant, and also thought the endo was going to "fix" my GD...
(and she does have a tendancy to not listen when it is something she doesn't want to hear...)

we've come to a bit of a compromise, since she is so afraid of me turning into a woman (her words), i'm basically going to half the E, but remain full amount on the spiro. (this gives me some of the emotional calmness, but without so much risk of "change", she originally wanted me to stop entirely, but was not thrilled with the idea of the old me - Moody, depressed and irritable most of the time)

Thank you again for the support and well wishes... we (wife and i) should be able to figure things out.... eventually..

[Tina_gm]

I think there may be another angle about her comment that you and perhaps others missed. it was in HOW you phrased your question. IF I had cancer THERE and it had to be removed.... 1st, not your choice to have it removed, as it is a life saving measure. For your wife, HRT basically is a death in a sense of the man she married. I know there are TS women who disagree because they have found other ways to be intimate sexually, but as a hetero woman, who married a man and he is now is on a path to neutralize this. That is a big deal for many women. It is no longer about CDing, or having a feminine side or aspect of themselves, but of ending or removing that which is a man, permanently by your own volition.

IT being removed by cancer would be as I said, a life saving measure. In her mind, that would be a for better for worse type of deal. Why though many women cannot do or feel the same when it comes to transition is because they signed up for better or for worse with a certain person. When THAT person changes who they are, or what they are, that in itself in a way is a breach of contract. You are making a voluntary change. Besides, if IT was removed for cancer reasons, your personality, your core being would still be much the same, minus the ability to be intimate in that regard.

Now.... having said all that, it still was a horrible thing to say. But likely said out of anger, fear, frustration and sadness.