One small step forward...

[Xrys]

That is all I want, just One small step forward. Every time i seem so close to being able to take my first step that actually means anything on this journey, the powers that be decide to drop their pants and take a dump on my life. I have been working hard at trying to get into therapy since January of last year, and every time I think I am close, something happens to push me back time and time again. Most of last year it was that i didn't get the right insurance plan, so I had to wait until open enrollment for this year just to switch. Now that I have the right insurance, and I am moved out of my mothers house again (third time is hopefully the charm) there always seems to be something coming along to mess up my finances to keep me from that big comfy therapist couch. Last month it was the head gasket on my car blowing. This month my phone died... while on the line trying to set up the appointment. Did I do something to anger the powers that be? My mother seems to think (and makes no hesitation to tell me) that God is trying to send me a message that this is not His will. I feel like i am in a cage, and i can feel the bars get closer and closer every day. I hate this feeling, this helpless feeling. I feel like i am literally loosing my mind. The logical part of my mind knows that these setbacks are temporary, that I just need to whether the storm and Eventually I will get things paid of so I can start therapy, but the anxiety and depression team up and turn into a raging beast of destruction that takes an ever growing amount of energy to hold back. It pops up more and more often, over some of the stupidest things. Things like dieing in a silly video game which has no bearing on real life will set me off, or even something as simple as mistyping my password. When my phone died, i flipped my lid. I slammed the door to the apartment so hard I literally busted the door. There went another $150. I can't have the money to help me control my temper because I keep loosing my temper. I am about to the point of banging my head against the wall, and would have already if it wasn't for the fact I would have to pay to repair that too.

I am sorry for this random rant being all over the place, but i just needed to vent this somehow. Thanks for listening to me and my overly sensitive Bitch Switch.

[kimdl93]

I don't know the Phoenix area, so perhaps others can suggest a support group that you can join. It will not be a solution to your problems, but it may help you feel that you're taking a meaningful step. Good luck.

[stefan37]

That $150 bucks you paid to fix your door would have paid for 1 therapy session and possibly 2. If you ate waiting for insurance to pay your way for transition. It will be a looooong transition. Collect cans and metal for scrap. Find a second job. Get creative. You have to make your own way. Nobody will do if for you. I can't imagine in a years time you couldn't have found any funds for a couple therapy sessions.
There are programs available to train you for a skill so can find suitable employment to transition.




1 therapy session. That is your first step forward.

[Dawn cd]

There are things you can do that cost little of no money that will give you a sense of moving forward. And when you are moving, you will be less impatient. Kim's suggestion of a support group is a good one. To calm your temper try meditation or running. Be ruthless about saving money. If you smoke, give it up and pocket the cash. Do odd jobs. Remember, this is for your life.

[Badtranny]

...well your post is startlingly immature, but you're pretty young so I guess that makes sense.

Transition is much rougher than what you are describing. Perhaps not as bad as being killed in a video game, but it's at least a close 2nd. ;-)

but seriously folks, you need a clear head in this game so I would suggest getting a grip. I would also add that HRT may help immensely. I have a theory that transsexual people don't process their genetic hormones as well as 'normal' people. Testosterone is an extremely powerful agent that will literally turn a woman into a man. (face structure, facial hair, voice, musculature, etc etc) But if you give testosterone to a woman who is NOT trans, it will just make her crazy and physically ill.

Testosterone was not good for me. It gave me mood swings, temper tantrums, and Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. Replacing it with estrogen was easily the most productive part of my transition. It literally changed my life.

I'm not saying that your rage is testosterone related, but it's certainly possible.

[kimdl93]

Wow, those terms could have described me for much of my life, Mel! Good advice on the maturity factor. Impatience and impulsiveness...behaviors I know very well, seldom lead to good results.

[Thea Pauline]

I'll agree with Melissa here, wholeheartedly! A rational, methodical approach will increase your odds of surviving immensely. Enough wild-ass, off the wall emotional, physical and mental crap will happen to you just because you exist, so don't add to it. Meditation, calming exercises, stand up comedy, whatever you have to do to stay as happy as you can. And I also agree that for me, shutting down the testosterone was the best thing ever. If I had'nt done that, I would likely not have survived; suicide by stress, stroke or heart attack, and it did in fact put me in the hospital.

Melissa, it's interesting you use the word rage, as that is precisely the word I used to describe it. An all consuming fury that allowed no refusal. A desire to simply destroy, even as I watched in horror from within, lamenting the loss and consequences and requiring ever increasing levels of power and restraint to avoid acting on that rage. It still gives me chills to recall it, even after years.

Yrys, pull it together babe! There will be many challenges and sometimes perseverance and commitment are all that will get you through. And keep in mind that you can always vent here and one positive you have over many of us is your youth!

Thea

[Xrys]

It is interesting when you read something you wrote after you had some time to calm down about it. I have made some really dumb decisions and many of them I am still paying for. I had dropped out of college, so I have heavy debt from that and no degree, plus my mom and I tried to start an internet business and ended up running up more debt there. I am paying a lot of money each month on debt I have run up in the past. I don't want to sound like I am whining but want to try to explain more clearly.

My head was still swirling in emotion when I started this topic, and I have since had time to clear my head and get refocused. I have a decent paying job, 40hrs a week at 12/hr, and I am able to to pay all my bills and keep my head above water, but it is rare I have much left at the end of the pay period. I have been looking for a way to get some more money. I am volunteering for overtime, and I can sometimes get a few extra hours a week. I am also planning to talk to a place that pays for plasma donations.

I know I have made a lot of steps forward in the last few years. I just have to force myself to widen my perspective to see it. When I started getting serious about my life a couple of years ago, I had a part time job 9/hr job with no vehicle and living with my mother. I have moved to a full time 12/hr job with a little overtime here and there. I have moved out of my mother's and am in an apartment with a friend. I have a car. I have health insurance that will cover therapy and meds once I can get the money for the initial visit. One of the biggest problems I have is that I focus so much on the one step I am on right now, that I don't see all the other steps I have already taken to get here. I have moved forward, I just needed some time to calm down and pull my head out of my keester to see it.

I am sorry for sounding like a whining brat earlier. The calm logical side of my brain knows what to do. It is just hard to hear it sometimes over the other noise of the moment sometimes. The other thing that is hard is the fact that I know I am the one that put myself in this financial pit, that I am ultimately responsible for my own problems. Not only with the mistakes I have made with college and the failed business, but with other poor financial decisions I have made, even in the last couple years. It seemed even though I knew how badly I wanted to transition, I seemed to spend more time and money last year trying to escape from my problems then trying to fix them. I would spend my time and money on video games and game systems, instead of focusing on paying off my debt or looking for another job.

I think that is a reality that is sometimes harder to come to terms with than any of the trans specific stuff. The reality that ultimately we are responsible for our situation. I am not saying we are responsible for being trans, but we are responsible for our actions and how we deal with it. We are responsible for how and where we spend the resources we have. There are so many things my brain knows I Should be doing, but many of them I am still not getting off my ass and doing, and that is no one's fault but my own. Maybe that is why I am so angry, maybe it is because I am angry at myself for sitting on my butt and playing games, or watching youtube instead of finding ways to take care of business. Maybe it is because I know I could be so much farther down this road if I had. Sometimes I wonder how bad I really want this. I know what I should be doing, bit I am not always doing it. I see videos and read posts about how people keep moving forward, and I am still not in therapy yet. Yet I continue to sit there and keep watching, and reading, and playing, and saying, but never actually doing. Thinking, and planning, and researching mean nothing unless you actually go and do. So I guess the real question is... why am I not doing?

[Megan G]

Xrys,

There's no use being angry at yourself for "sitting around playing games" or anything like that. Many of us spent years (or in my case decades..lol) running from this or trying to repress it. Being ts is not easy or fun...

Melissa is spot on with her comments about needing a clear head when it comes to transition. It's not an easy road with lots of highs and lows and trust me the lows are ALOT worse than what you described in your OP.

So now that you know where you are the next step is plotting out a course to get where you want to be. And in your case your focused on therapy. So make it happen

There are lots of ways to get some extra cash flow. That could be as simple as a part time second job, sell something or any of the other ways of getting some additional funds.

Don't let this small step get you all worked up, trust me the bumps in the road ahead (if you choose to transition) are much much worse.

Megan.

[Badtranny]

The main thing Xrys, is to relax.

Remember, transition is measured in years rather than months. Even if you started on the juice tomorrow it'll very likely be a year before you notice anything.

Your biggest concerns right now are the launching pad, and in that regard you're doing well. You have a place to live, and health insurance. You also have a manageable life that will allow you to exercise and eat properly so you can keep weight off. Your situation might look like a cluster to you, but many trans women your age would give up a finger to have it.

You're good. Relax. Get focused. Get motivated Change your life.

:-)

[Jorja]

This may be hard to believe but I agree with Melissa. You have the most important things already covered. You have a place to live, health insurance, and a manageable life that will allow you to exercise and eat properly so you can keep weight off. If you are feeling like you to need to do something, work on hair removal, or a number of other little things that will need to be done eventually. This way you will have that feeling of moving forward and not being stagnate.

Relax, breath, Get Focused, work on your plan, GET Motivated, and start changing your life.

[Nicole Erin]

At least you don't have a spouse or kids to deal with.
Even if you think your life sucks, it is YOUR life. When someone has a spouse and especially kids they are raising, it is no longer THEIR life.
As for life taking a dump on our plans, oh yes, that is life, that is the real world. That does not stop. That is why as people age, they stop having big dreams. We just stop giving a crap.
Kids think they will grow up to be the next big athlete or singer or maybe movie star. It doesn't happen. At some point that downgrades to "I just want a decent house, job, and car". Even that doesn't happen. Mere existence becomes the goal.

For transition, consider these things. Some of us finally get this, some don't -
By the time most TS are able to get FFS, SRS, etc, they are beyond a woman's prime. No one cares about some 40 year old has-been.
A post-op vagina is not able to pop out any brats anyways. What is the point in having it? Does it REALLY improve a TS's life THAT much?
Living full time as your new gender is nice but it isn't like some fantasy land. Life is STILL gonna happen.
Hormones don't do much. They kill your sex drive, make your chest hurt, and that is about it.
Therapy is a scam. What are they gonna say that you don't already know?
People are eventually gonna figure out you are TS in most cases anyways. It would suck extra bad to be found out if you spent a fortune on stuff to try to hide it.

But if you want to do transition stuff cheap, here are some things -

For clothing, scout thrift stores. $5 for any given piece of clothing.
For voice, you can train that. It is tough at first but if you really want it, you can have it.
For facial hair, get an epilator ($50'ish). It is easier if you have been tweezing facial hair. Yeah you have to use it a few times a week but it is no less convenient than spending $70 a week for years on electro and the beard STILL sprouts hairs. Women who want to look good have to fight a daily battle to maintain their looks.
Build your confidence. This is HUGE. Even if you don't pass the best, if your are confident, people just won't mess with you. Maybe once in a great while but who gives a rat's ass?

Alright, I don't and never had much money. Electro, SRS, FFS, and all that are pretty much out of the question for me. I decided I still wanted to live as a woman. So I did it. My life is pretty normal.

The time to start living as a woman is now. Not after so many therapy sessions, not after some surgery, pills, when your car quits messing up or whatever.

One nasty trick life pulls is people making us think we have to jump thru a bunch of hoops before we can do what we want. So we jump thru hoops (and our wallets take several hits on the way) and then you get thru the last hoop and then get told "Nope, sorry, still cannot do it. Screw that, walk around the hoops and do what you want NOW.

[Badtranny]

This might be hard to believe but I agree with Nicole.


LOL thanks Jorja.

[whowhatwhen]

I'm gonna disagree with a few of Nicole's points here... >)

Hormones don't necessarily turn you into a sexually void zombie, hell, just under 13 months in and everything works just as it did before. In fact, HRT made me turbohorny so take that as you will. It's definitely YMMV.
Also boobs. Boobs. Boobs. BOOBS!

You're right, post op vaginas cannot birth children. But that doesn't mean I wanna walk around with a <rooster> for the rest of my days.
Besides they always get in the way, have you ever sat on your Superballs? Not a fun experience :P

Therapy? Definitely needed.
Lots of us are crazy, I'm not even excluding myself here.

Just taaaakeeeeee itttttt slllllooooowwwwwwww.

[Xrys]

I think that hits the nail on the head. I know there are a lot of steps to this, and maybe i am trying to take too big of steps. that is a problem i have when working with my voice, is i push myself too hard sometimes. I know he steps, and what order i need to take them in, but dont spend enough time really mastering one step before pushing myself to the next. Consistancy is something i have a hard time with. I prefer to have spurts of high intensity then spend the rest of the time exhausted. Maybe i should focus on a few small changes that i do all the time instead of trying to go all out in short bursts. Thank you all for helping me refocus and providing some much need insight. I love the fact that there is such a variety of views here, and there is something to be taken from all of them.

As far as doing the things i can afford, i practice with my voice on the half hour car ride to and from work every day and alot through my shift. The nice thing about being an overnight security guard is that you are the only one there. I got an epilator a while back and have been using it on my arms an legs. I have been tweezing my facial hair for a while aswell and have noticed a huge difference. I am getting better at getting regular exercise and eating better, and have started loosing some of that middle pudge. The biggest thing for me is not beeing so focused on the nex step i want to take that i don't see all the progress i have already made. Things are still better than they were, and i am still closer to my next goal than i ever have been. Will they get worse? yes. Will there be obstacles and unexpected surprises? Yes. Will i always be ready for them? no, not always. Will i let any of those stop me? Oh, hell no.

As long as i have arms and i have breath, I am gonna keep swinging till i get through the other side. Thank you all for your support. it is ever so much appreciated.

[Starling]

...I have a theory that transsexual people don't process their genetic hormones as well as 'normal' people. Testosterone is an extremely powerful agent that will literally turn a woman into a man...But if you give testosterone to a woman who is NOT trans, it will just make her crazy and physically ill...I'm not saying that your rage is testosterone related, but it's certainly possible.

From my own experience I think your speculation is correct, Misty. I carry a lot of rage within me, and it often flares when I'm frustrated. It's almost as if I stuck a needle in my arm. But when I was on HRT my rage ebbed, and I felt a greater calm than I ever achieved with Xanax.

Lallie

[Eringirl]

My thoughts, and just my thoughts...(I am no expert here) ....

You have made some pretty big strides forward given where you started from. This is not a race, everything in good time. Patience, at least for me, is a necessary partner in all of this. You are doing what you can as you can do it. Celebrate the small successes and keep in mind this is a huge undertaking. Relax, just keep plugging away as you can.

Erin

[Nicole Erin]

Xrys - one piece of advice some TS give about practicing voice is to try singing along with female pop stars in the car.
I do not know if that works but there is no way in hell I was going to torture myself with crap like Taylor Swift.
There is a lot of good info on youtube but sadly, most of the videos tend to ramble. Well like that Candi chick with voice videos - good info but she is stoned or hallucinating most of the time so you have to really watch and listen to get the good parts.

You're right, post op vaginas cannot birth children. But that doesn't mean I wanna walk around with a <rooster> for the rest of my days.

I might feel different if I had a lot of money to spend. Maybe I would want to invert Godzilla, who knows.

[Xrys]

Thanks. Patience is something i am working on. it is just that i want to be patient Right Now! ;-p I am also working on keeping the bigger picture in view and no getting so focused on just the tiny piece where i am at at the moment. As for singing with female pop stars, yea, not gonna happen. Luckily, i have Pandora, and have a station i have grooming for the last couple years with all female vocalists. Who needs Taylor Swift when you have Joan Jet, Gewn Steffani, Halestorm, and Nightwish? Thank goodness for streaming internet radio.