My Wife Found Something in the Dryer

[Suzie Petersen]

Dani,

Your wifes reaction and the way she feel right now fits well with what many others feel in the same situation. My wife had a very similar reaction at one point.

A classic situation is that right after a reveal, how ever it comes about, the CD has a feeling of significant relief. Huge weight off the shoulders, finally sharing this with someone and no longer alone with this.
The wife on the other hand feel completely lost and unable to deal with what just happened. Until now, she likely had a feeling of safety and security in her marriage, her sexuality, and her general feelings about herself. She had a circle of frieds, family and colleagues whom she could go to in times of trouble or concern. Part of her safety net was that she had people she could talk to about anything that bothered or scared her. Now .. she realizes that this is something she cannot talk to others aboyut without risk! She feels completey alone.

She need someone, other than you, to talk to.

- Suzie

[Suzanne F]

Dani
Breathe! There is hope. I think the fact that she knew something about it and married you is a good sign. I think the apology from you should be centered on failing to trust her with your issue. Not the cross dressing itself. Give her time and space to form questions about what it means for both of you. Remember that you both may be in a different place as time passes. Her feelings are probably not permanent. It doesn't all have to be worked out today!
Hugs
Suzanne

[giuseppina]

... I suggested counseling, which she sees as "her having a problem" and will not consider it.

In my experience, counselling is more about finding new and more workable coping mechanisms than solving problems. That said, maybe she is saying, "Not right now, I'm not ready."

One thing I don't remember seeing in the discussion above is her own account on CD.com. I'm sure the genetic ladies would be willing to provide support. Acceptance of CDing is not a prerequisite for joining the GG forum as far as I know.

[Megan Nicole]

Same happened to me last winter. Wife came home earlier then expected, dryer just went off, she walked in and started unloading & wouldn't ya know two strange pairs of panties and a sports bra among the items. She came at me hard and fast with questions & I wasn't prepared to discuss, especially with the teenage kids lerking near by. I told her the items were just some things I had that needed washed. She looked at me strangely for a while and I went to fixing supper. I was super stressed and my blood pressure must have been at boiling point. Not much was said for an hour or so, but by the end of the evening conversation had gone back to a normal tone. Nothing has been said since that evening, but now I know she knows. Our relationship is as good or better than ever & I haven't stopped dressing/underdressing. I'm just a little more careful about washing and drying. Good thing I didn't have a big load of my clothes in that night or she would have really freaked out. I figure this might resurface at some point, or maybe not. Until then I'll just keep being me.

Meg

[JamieG]

Dani, I am sorry to hear how much this is hurting both of you. Keep talking. You may find that you also have to address the issue broken trust. Yes, technically, you didn't lie to her, but you kept a big secret from her for a long time. Perhaps she feels foolish for not knowing sooner, or maybe she now sees you as some master manipulator. Unfortunately, when you are discovered (as opposed to outing yourself) there's also the question of "When, if ever, were you going to tell me?" You need to talk about these issues with her, and see where her head is at. Give her a chance to work through her feelings. It is critical that you be totally honest from here on out and that you go out of your way to demonstrate how important she is to you. I wish both of you all the best!

[kimdl93]

Your wife's reluctance to seek the help of a counselor is a fairly common attitude and so unfortunate. Counseling isn't necessarily treatment for a mental disorder, although it can be. Its purpose often, as my therapist put it long ago, is to help a person learn to accept reality. Clearly, difficulty accepting a new and troubling reality is not a mental disorder, but it's consequences can be equally grave.

Right now your wife seems to be struggling with what she perceives as a loss. Those behaviors are typical of grief. But in reality, all that has been lost is an illusion. You're still there, still the person you have always been. If she cannot manage to work that out on her own, and pride or mistaken ideas about therapy discourage her from getting professional support, then she runs the risk of precipitating a very real loss.

[char GG]

Kimld93 has a good point. The trust is broken, she may be wondering what else is not being said.

[Dani0948]

Part of my earlier post got cut off . I wanted to say that We went to my grandson's kindergarten graduation together and had several hours in the car to talk. Her major point was that we (mostly me) need to rebuild the marriage and get back to the heady days of 31 years ago. We just booked a bed & breakfast overnight together and are both really looking forward to going away in July.

Last night we talked about so many things I can't even remember it all (not just CD). We once again started out hugging and kissing and progressed to a terrific evening of love making (not just my opinion). This morning she told me that for the first time since the discovery, she woke up NOT mad at me (progress???).

She still wants to put CD out of her perception and for now only wants the male side of me.

Again - Thanks for all the support

[Dani0948]

It's hard to believe a week has passed since the discovery. It has been wonderful for my male side. We cannot keep our hands off each other. Every minute we're together is filled with hugging, kissing and beyond. WE decided to suspend any dressing activities until after our getaway. She tells me that she is feeling LESS disturbed by CD but still has a long way to go. I told her again that she is setting the pace and there is no rush. I love this woman.