I'm not even sure what I'm asking.
I know there is a notable component of the LGBT community that's fairly uncomfortable with bisexuality. I think bigender is probably more acceptable here, but it's still hard to wrap my head around myself sometimes, right? And the going-out-with-a-beard post was not especially well recieved (but mostly for safety reasons so I get it). That's not the core of my question really...although I do frequently wear obviously women's jewelry & sandals with my guy clothes, and I don't catch much crap about it around town. I guess there's a cultural line there I'm still on the safe side of. Our downtown gets pretty weird anyway (one more reason why I love home).
I think it's more like when you're not one thing or the other, and you can feel kind of fluid about it, then it lets in a lot of room for doubt. Especially when you haven't committed years of heart and brain power to knowing yourself, I was sort of repressed about it before, and society was ok with it that way, and family was ok, and really, most importantly, I was ok too, I didin't think about it very often, I'd dress at halloween, whatever. I was kind of an ally, I read about generic lgbt stuff, have some friends that were, etc, but it wasn't super personal.
Then it kind of clicked for me more last year, but I keep occasionally coming back to wondering is it just a game for me? Pink fog? The phrase "college phase" keeps coming to mind, but then I always get the real strong urge to tell that voice in my head to f-off.
I know some people are quite sure about transitioning, and others know it's just for fun for them. But where are you when it's kind of maybe part of your identity, but you're pretty sure it's not the whole enchilada, but you've been afraid of not being macho enough for the last 20 or 30 years and you're pretty through with that b.s., but is it just because it's exciting to dress? Am I part girl, or am I just too cheap to skydive? (Wait, those sandals were kinda pricey And what if you feel more fearless, caring, and other things you want to be more of when you dress? And, oh, even regular people like your neighbors don't really give a crap when you go out walking dressed in the morning with a ugly 5'o'clock on so you're feeling like a bit of an idiot anyway and they still say 'hi', so maybe you were just hiding from people like them the whole time and you could be more of a girl than you think you are now, and what would that mean? And you still like guy stuff and funky beards and all that, so it's not like it's going away, but then that makes you feel like just a boy in a skirt when you think about it like that. Maybe I just have this idea in my head that girls are cooler, and all those shows and books are always telling you not to try to act like something you're not just cause it's cooler, but then, I've never really felt a lot of the things I've felt sometimes when I'm dressed, and I know I'd regret if I lost those moments of my life, I'd definately feel less blessed (can finding out something about yourself that's often social sucide feel like a blessing?) and wow, I could just keep going like this for pages, but I think you're probably getting the idea a couple of times over already...
<deep breath>
This is really funny in a way, because I think what sort of moved me from a halloween cd to a regular cd was some level of confidence that I achieved with myself. So. Now that I'm ok being me...wait, who am I?
How do you ladies think through your identity, anyways? Are you supposed to work on it until you're 'sure' who/where you are? Do you just know and you have to figure out how to be totally honest with yourself? Is it a total b.s. notion to tie yourself down like that in the first place?
Summer