has descended and obscured the bright rays of sun that were my new found understanding of self, what I am and what role crossdressing plays in my life.
It came about when I asked my wife if I could attend this months cd/tv club meeting in the city. Though she had said yes (reluctantly I guess) two months ago but weather stopped that from happening, this time it set of a bunch of fireworks. The first thing she said was “I suppose I can’t stop you” and then she brought up the issue of me having told the kids without having talked to her about it (some of you may know the story). I have apologized for this and know it is wrong, but I don’t think she will ever forgive me for it. I apologized again.
She did say that there is nothing wrong in principal with crossdressing , at home, with nobody around. However, some of the other things she did mention:
-That I’m only thinking of myself,
-that I didn’t consider how the kids would react and what domino effects might have on their mental well-being and that it may have played a role in #3s current issues (he is seeing a councillor for anxiety and dark thoughts, including cutting). What would have happened if one of them had told a friend and they had spread that around school (they have all said they wouldn’t do such a thing), to which my wife said “well of course they would say that”,
-that I’m putting myself ahead of others,
-that I obviously don’t respect women, ( but I do, but I can’t argue this point with her) because of the way I dress; high heels (2” max) and lots of makeup (kind of required as a guy trying to look like a woman) and that I start doing what I would consider “woman’s work” around the house (I find that strange as I will regularly clean the cats boxes, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, hand wash dishes in guy mode),
-what would happen and how would the kids feel if something happened to me if I was out in public, like something happening in the women’s restroom and it made the news (use of the washroom for the gender being expressed is actually protected under provincial legislation).
I guess I have to become a Jedi and think only of others and nothing of myself.
Only #3 was at home during this conversation and he was in his room, headphones on, listening to music. My wife thought that maybe the kids didn’t know that she know. I had told them not to talk about “it”, and this upset her in that the kids hadn’t said anything to her, to which I pointed out that this was a good thing, but she said we all should have talked about it together. When I offered to call a family meeting, it was outright rejected…this wasn’t the time to talk about it because #3 was at home…and especially that this was not a good time considering the tough time he was having.
I thought that maybe she of all people would understand how important it is for someone’s mental being to be able to talk about a situation. I said that if I can’t meet with likeminded people, maybe I should go see a professional, to which she said “maybe you should if that’s the way you are thinking”.
All of the advancements I have made, all the feelings of joy I have recently experience, have all been replace with a heavy heart and a massive amount of guilt. I don’t know how to express my feeling to her or how to explain things to her anymore for fear of outright rejection. The last thing I want to do is hurt my kids (again, they have all told me it is no big deal to them that I’m a crossdresser) or my dear wife.
I fear my crossdressing will now be severely curtailed. I don’t know how I will handle this mentally. I don’t know how I will be able to put the genie back in the bottle.
