Their's. It was after a long diatribe of, ". . . if he does {this}" or ". . . if he starts to do {that}." Sounded like they were trying to define the line that, once crossed, would remove all doubt.Originally Posted by Dianne S
Their's. It was after a long diatribe of, ". . . if he does {this}" or ". . . if he starts to do {that}." Sounded like they were trying to define the line that, once crossed, would remove all doubt.
I don't think you should take the "not good" comment as a personal rejection of some kind. If someone had said to me a few decades ago, "I'm afraid maybe my son is gay," I might well have responded that that is "not good." But I certainly wouldn't have meant that as a rejection of any particular person, or of gay people in general. I would have meant that the person faces a strong possibility of hostility and rejection and discrimination: a difficult life. Today, I think I would be much less likely to make such a remark, because we have progressed a lot as a society, and gays are much more likely to be able to live openly with a same-sex partner, and to be warmly accepted in many communities in most areas of the U.S. For a person who wants to be open about his crossdressing or about being TS, there are still a lot of obstacles; gays can accurately say, "We've come a long way, baby," but that's not quite so true for us. We're making progress, but slowly.
About two weeks ago NBC news featured two families who dealt with young children who were transgendered and handled the subject well. You might use those as a basis for some discussion. A family therapist who is well versed in this area might be in your futures.
"Not good" might just mean what it sounds like -- i.e. not good is not bad, it just means an area of his life his parents were assuming didn't need attention now does. Look at the stories on this forum and ask yourself is it good or not good that he may be one of us? The excellent news is that we understand more about crossdressers and transsexuals than we ever have, there is more acceptance than there ever has been.
Since he's repeating the behavior it's probably not something to ignore. You have to find out if he's transsexual or a crossdresser or something else. You have to make adjustments early so he can have a happy rest-of-his-life. The first priority to me would be making sure he understands it's not a problem; it's not a failing; it's not something to be "corrected." It's more like being left-handed -- not the same as most of the population, never will be, but nothing wrong. But you do have to make compensating effort; there will be fewer role models. Tell him he's OK. See if you can find a counsellor who knows something about this. Get him his own clothes.
Think of it this way: Life is easier if one is cisgender and gender conforming. Being trans and/or non-gender conforming is harder and can be a serious burden for someone to have to carry through life. It is like being born with a deformity or a disability. It isn't "wrong" to have a deformation, and it isn't "wrong" to have a disability, but at the same time it a burden that a parent would never wish their child to have to deal with. In that sense, it isn't a "good" thing, it isn't "wrong", but it isn't "good", and I can understand why she would not want to have her child suffer through all the difficulties being trans can bring. (I speak from experience, as my mother loves and accepts me, but she feels bad that it is something I have to deal with.)
IMO, I agree with a few others that the "not good" comment meant she was looking to the future. Is he going to be bullied or go through life confused or worse hate himself because of clothing he likes to wear. My mom whom I'm very close with, I feel that she will not accept my crossdressing. So depending on how your daughter spoke about it could also be the reason for not good.
I mean to the few people I've shared my crossdressing with their first question... Are you gay? Maybe your daughter thinks that and is scared for her son. I think if your wife knows you CD and your daughter knows they can get you to help. I bet your wife know the hardships you went through when you were younger and sees the news stories about kids being bullied about this. I think you could offer guidance with permission so he doesn't get embarrassed so, like others have said, he isn't alone and can talk to understanding rational people about what he feels
I think it's simply more of a coincidence. Remember, the odds aren't that great against it. One in forty of males is a crossdresser. It's just that most people don't know who is and who isn't. Even very young boys learn very quick that we're not supposed to wear girls clothes, and will be treated badly if we do. So we keep it hidden very well. When you get one who doesn't get the very stern 'don't ever dress like a girl' message from the rest of his family, well then he's going to keep doing it and the family may get upset. But I believe that even when it's discovered at an early age, nothing is going to change the feelings. I can't be sure. We don't have documentation of men who crossdressed when young and then stopped forever. So there's no way to know if those men exist, as they're even LESS likely to tell anyone they ever did it than we are.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Really? Do you have a citation for that?
I live in a city whose population is about a million, so 500k males which means 12,500 crossdressers where I live. We have one CD social group and it has about 100 members, which would mean only one in 125 crossdressers would know about the group and be interested in joining. That sounds very, very low to me.
I expect you're too high by a factor of about 5 or 10.
even 1% of 1M people is still 5000 males, just like this forum with 10-20 times as many observers as folks logged in, and with a massive % hidden in the closet, the simple maths are backing fear. Yes there are 4960 male CD'ers in your city who are too scared to admit it publicly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.
thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er
Whatever the "not good" comment meant, the focus should be on protecting the child. I was dressing a lot before I was 10 years old and it was very sexual also. I was discovered by my sister and later by my Mother and that taught me to "go underground". Consequently I carried a heavy burden for many, many years. I don't wish for that to happen to this child. I have friends in NZ whose son loved to play with his mother's makeup and clothes and they just let him be to find his own way. Yes the parents have to protect their child and they need to learn a lot about cross dressing and gender issues but I hope they do not make this young life miserable.
What would the response have been if the daughter had said her child was showing a tendency to be homosexual. A young child who identifies as homosexual would be treated with care in liberal societies like that in the USA. Why would the response to a child who identifies or acts as a cross dresser be any different.
I feel for the young boy. He is probably having a lovely time and thinks that what he is doing is just natural, harmless and it feels right for him. My fear is that someone will accidentally bring that safe and natural feeling world crashing down.
I wondered if any of my family was TG, I thought that they might confide in me but no one has. None of my male family members talk to me about my transition they seam uncomfortable with it, and my female family members there are a few that are interested but we're past the 100+ questions phase.
Little Miss. Reason
Just everyday... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYhlRYKMfAc
A Journey 2011-2014 https://www.youtube.com/watch?lv=Ikji9DMaeVA
Want better looking Cleavage? http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ial&highlight=
I don't do this for a living. I have, however, read everything I could get my hands on regarding gender abberations since 1970. And about 2.5% is what was generally found by the researchers until I stopped with the books back in the late 90's. Problems with your calculations: You're using your one city as your example, and you're using your own experience as if it's indicative of the behavior of the general population, and you assume that all crossdressers seek out others. They don't; in fact, quite a few are probably very closeted conservative religious guys who are mortified at what they feel compelled to do, and would probably never mention it to anyone. I didn't rely on any of that; rather, I relied upon research by the leading psychologists/sexologists who decided to investigate sex and gender disorders, those of the late 20th century's research. While it may not be entirely accurate, they did their best to try to figure it out by objectively collecting as much data as they could in the limited time they had. Kinsey I think is still the biggest one, so you might like to check his information, but it's probably going to be in books and not necessarily online, though perhaps someone has scanned his material and maybe you can find pdf's, but I sort of doubt it. A lot of these studies were done before the web existed. However, I don't believe that the incidence of crossdressing will have changed, any more than any other gender variances do. Like I said, I didn't study this to help the world's crossdressers figure themselves out, so I didn't collect data about it all. I studied it to figure myself out, and so after reading something, I dumped it into the library bins, as I'm in the closet and didn't want any literature lying around that might give someone ideas about me. Feel free to do your own research, and believe in whatever statistics you feel satisfying. But it helps to deal with as many facts as possible, rather than guess based on what you see or hear.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
A sample of 1,000,000 people in a relatively liberal city is probably large enough to fairly accurately represent the population in Canada, I would say. And no, of course not all crossdressers seek out others, but I have a hard time believing that only 1 in 125 do. I would put the figure closer to 1 in 20 to 1 in 40 which would put my percentage at between about 0.5% and 1% of the male population. Like you, I have no hard data, but I'm just going by my instincts.
My math sucks but if theres about 7 billion people in the world and 1 in 40 males is a CD/TG in one form or another then that means there should be 175 million CD/TG folks out there world wide.
Come, come, come out of the closet! LOL
Nicole said it best. It is the parents' responsibility. Miss Tee, what you have not mentioned in this thread is if you are out with your daughter. Obviously, your wife knows of your CDing but if your daughter does not this would be a huge double-whammie.
I'm going to play a bit of Devil's Advocate here. Your wife may also have been speaking in a double entendre. She may have been referring it, as you interpreted it, as "not good" because of the frustrations in her life with your CDing, about her misgivings, about her pains. However, her being a mother and grandmother, she could have been speaking out of concern for your grandson's future life of emotional and identity issues that she is all too familiar with because of the pain you've shared with her over the years. Leaving a comment out there like,"That is not good." allows her to let the other person steer the conversation with her actually one step ahead of them. A conversational chess match, if you will. She knows the game, how to play the pieces and the only variable is what the other player's next move will be,"Will they move here or there. Either way, I know my next move."
I'm not usually an optimist or a conspiracy theorist. Rather, I look for other options, interpretations and methods to produce desired results. I think your best strategic move would best be played by allying yourself with your wife. Your grandson may have a very valuable asset if you can help support him in this difficult aspect of his life. With your wife, I would suggest coffee and conversation about what she said and why. Try to plan what you'll say, ask important questions and predict her answer . Then, plan for the opposite response. Just do it in male mode, the knight is a very valuable player.
-E
Last edited by Erika Lyne; 05-30-2015 at 10:14 AM.
**Just trying to happily be me.**
Hugs!
-E
My question also is whether or not your daughter knows. I agree with alot of what Erika says and i like the chess metaphor. In your wifes position rather than saying its not good i think she could build a foundation of acceptance with your daughter by expressing her own acceptance of the issue. Like Erika I think your first step is talking with your wife and finding out why she said what she did. Hopefully the two of you can be on the same or similiar page. With this alliance and my limited info on your fam life I would suggest the two of you strategize how best to come out to your daughter. I think your grandson isnt the only one who could benefit from knowing that its ok and theres many others out there who do it. And bullying or not you survived and you can be an example to her that things can turn out fine. Your kind of like the queen on the chess board, you have many moves. With your understanding of tg you can help her understand that its not going away and maybe help her learn to be accepting and supportive. The end game would be to have direct guidance with your grandson in whatever way is most comfortable for him, even if its just simply knowing that you are like him and hes not alone. This is my opinion from the outside so feel free to take the gold and leave the sand.
I think the vast majority of cross dressers and their loved ones accepts the premise that life would be a lot less stressful, if one were not a cross dresser. I have a friend, whose grandson has just come out as a transsexual. Life for him would be much better if he were not. I think your wife is expressing her belief your grandson will have to deal with a lot of turmoil. Turmoil within his self, and, turmoil dealing with society. And society includes finding a woman who is supportive.
I think that your wife spoke out of a loving concern for her grandson, but maybe didn't phrase it in the best way. Dressing is a pretty big complication in someone's life and does not make it any easier, Since she has personal knowledge of this, of course she's concerned. The only way to find out her true feelings is to talk to her and since it obviously bothers you, maybe volunteer your help.
Last edited by donnalee; 05-31-2015 at 10:54 PM.
ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!
"The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)
A bit like it's okay for strangers to dress, but not one of the family.
It is an attitude that many other people have.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
The NIMBY force is strong in most families!
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
That's just it. I'm NOT going by my instincts. I'm going by what I read, and I'm confident that if you do the research, you'll find the same thing that I did (and I don't mean a google search, because that will bring up all kinds of poorly done surveys that don't reflect the general population). Read the books by the psychologists out there, and those who took the time to do their research correctly. I didn't make any of this up. If I went by my instincts, I would have said the incidence of crossdressing was more like one in ten thousand because in everyday experience, we simply never see anyone do it. We're simply a very hard group to pin down to any number.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
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