Sometimes a road block will come your way like a Mack truck and hit you in the face. Somehow we figure out how to get through these and do what we need to do.
For me, I had a few over the past few months and they just seem to keep coming. So I figured it was time to vent and figure a few thing out here. So, I'm going to apologize if my thoughts in this post are a little unfocused.
First of all, I have to say that today is the day I will tell my wife that I am going to get the help I need regardless of how she feels. The reasons for this step will become a lot more apparent as my venting continues.
With my transfer at work, I had discovered recently that I have had some issues with my insurance at work. I learned that I have been paying for it since the beginning of the year and had none at all. This hurdle has been cleared and now I can begin to look for a therapist that I can talk to about my issues and seek the help that I have been needing for quite some time.
A few days ago, while I was in bed reading, I had some very disturbing suicidal thoughts enter my mind. What made them so disturbing was the fact that they were out of the blue while I was trying to relax before going to sleep. I cried myself to sleep that night with the comfort of my dog laying next to me. He has been such a blessing to me since we took him in.
A few years ago, my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and declared in remission by Thanksgiving of the same year. I found out a couple of weeks ago that he was back on chemo again.
Last night I found out from my sister, who my wife and I have been living with since we moved back, that because of the higher dosage of chemo his health isn't that great. So, in about three weeks both my parents will be moving in with us here.
My sister also told me that things were going to get financially tight because my parents were paying the house note and the lot rent here and that we needed to band together to make up for this to keep a roof over all of our heads and food in all of our bellies. Not to mention keeping all the utilities that we depend on.
The fear that I am feeling right now seems a bit over whelming. I'm scared to not get the help I need. I'm scared of all of us ending up on the street. I'm scared of loosing my Dad and seeing first hand the decline of his health. I'm scared of seeing what loosing my Dad will do to my Mom. I'm scared of how far it looks like I will need to go for my own well being.
Yet somehow, I am managing to keep myself together; for the moment anyway. Writing this post seems to be helping me out some. Mostly on an emotional level.
I know we will figure this out. My Family will survive. We are fighters and survivors. But, it can be a bit overwhelming.
Thank you all in advance for taking the time to at least read this.
Liz
Originally Posted by STACY B
