Throwing in the towel

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

Before anyone asks . . . the title does not mean I am quitting or putting on hold my dressing. Okay to be honest, I though the title might grab your attention better than my original choice "Coming to a realization" as that sounds a bit boring

As some have read, I have had a busy week coming to terms with my chain of command on workplace accommodation which has been granted and far beyond my hopes to include both the ability to draw female uniforms and grow my hair out should I choose. To say the least I was on a bit of a high all week thinking about how nice it would be to wake up on a given day feeling female and be able to present myself as such. Then it dawned on me . . . I had actually thought "feeling female" . Now some might think . . . big deal so you thought "feeling female". However, if you look back through my posts I have been quite consistent with my take that I always think of myself as a male first and foremost irrespective of how I am dressed. Yet the concept of "feeling female" felt as natural as saying "feeling male" even though I still cannot define what either term means. This was a bit disconcerting as I had never thought this before and it just slipped out in my mind.

So yesterday while I was running (where I normally do all my thinking) I gave this revelation some serious thought. Was I slipping further down the pathway toward being TS or was I still firmly planted somewhere between (gender fluid is a term I tend to use)? I mean, I still like my guy side but with the revelation that I would soon be free to express myself female at work when I choose or grow my hair out to be more gender congruent with my female presentation, I have to admit I can see my presentation sliding from 60/40 (male/female) to 60/40 or perhaps 70/30 (female/male). However, I do not seek nor desire HRT (it has been offered by my therapist and medical system) nor to I seek surgery (again offered by my medical system within the confines of medical protocol that is). I may experience days when I feel "female" not "male" but I do not look in the mirror and hate what I see staring back (boy physiology that is). Was I just confused? Lost in the pink fog of probabilities sort to speak?

It was at about the 15 kilometer mark that it suddenly hit me . . . that like my morning runs this was a journey with a route and sometimes I might deviate from the route but I will always end up at the same finish point. "Huh . . . what the heck does that mean Isha?" It means that I realized that while I may have only recently come out (just over a year and half ago), I have always been on this route and have just deviated (32 years of deviation to be exact) but am now on the final push to my own finish line. What does that mean to me? Well, it means I now know that part of me definitely identifies female but part of me also identifies male albeit that part is loosing ground but still remains intact. Would my male side disappear completely? To be honest, there are no answers in life especially on this crazy roller coaster. What I can say is that right now I don't feel as though I could "kill off" the male side of me without loosing some part of me anymore than I could "kill off" female side of me without loosing who I am.

So I will throw in the towel and admit to all that I am more closely aligned to the TS side of the spectrum than I would have admitted even a month ago. Now before people begin to "high five" and proclaim "I called it months ago" remember, this is a journey of sorts for all of us and realization takes time and each of us is only an epiphany away from our own realization. However, I will concede that yes some of you probably called it long before I realized it. Does that mean I will transition all the way? Right now . . . no. However, as much as some will argue until they are blue in the face that I am just a part-timer who can still fall back on "being guy" when it suits me, I will still posit that I am transitioning in my own way. Everyone important to me knows, I will most likely begin to work one or two days a week as a woman which means living that day as a woman and there may be times where that could stretch out for a week or two. I am guessing at that point my ability to "play the man card" disappears n'est pas. Even on those days when I am presenting male to the world, my female side will always be there interjecting her own sense of self into my male world. So right now, I am still running down the pathway but I can now see my final destination a bit more clearly in that I am both male and female timesharing one body which both genders appreciate and love. Am I am man or am I woman . . . neither . . . I am a person who wants to live her/his life as best as she/he can.

BTW before anyone asks, after my run, I sat my wife down and we discussed this in depth and she is still 100 percent supportive of this shift in thought.

Hugs

Isha

[steftoday]

Thanks for sharing all that, Isha. Whatever the future holds for you, I wish you peace. We all have to figure this out for ourselves, and to see where the road takes us.

[mykell]

soo its a marathon not a sprint, you have a good outlook for which ever path you choose to run....and blessed with a wife who is truly understanding !

[flatlander_48]

I:

One thing that occurs to me as a difference between male and female is perspective. We can Accept or we can Shape. I think females tend to Accept the world as it is and work within that context to get what they want. Males tend to get what they want by Shaping things to their desires. There is no right or wrong to my way of thinking, and sometimes females Shape and males Accept. However, I think there is a predisposition to view things in a certain way to begin with.

DeeAnn

[Laura912]

The longer one looks in the mirror, the more one sees.

[Donnagirl]

Isha,

Again we share so much... I've totally given up being male (in totality) but admit I'm not female. I sort of drift between the two with one being dominant but never to the absolute exclusion of the other... My days definitely are more of one than the other, but I'm yet to gain the advantages you have at work. My employer can accomodate a transition, if I present female from now til retirement then no problems... A fluid state is way beyond them presently and not something even on the negotiation floor currently. Best I can do is a slow, incremental approach... Painted nails and diamond studs are as much as I can do.

I think that, for us, TS is not the applicable term. It may be much later in life when the the 'female dominant' mindset becomes normal and those male days are distant memories. Then the desire to ensure external matches internal will become more irresistible. Until then, well it's a relentless progression but it's not a rapid one...

You first.... I'm happy to stay 'arse end Charlie' and just stay following your lead...

[Claire Cook]

Isha,

You've really struck a chord here. Yesterday was a bad day for me. I've done a number of guy things in the past that I am not proud of, and these kept weighing on my mind leading to a day-long depression funk. Talking this over with Sue we came to the realization that much of this came from my trying to be somebody that I really am not. It was she who finally said "You really need to make Claire more of your life." So be it.

I, and I am sure others, really identify with your statement that "I am guessing at that point my ability to"play the man card" disappears n'est pas. Even on those days when I am presenting male to the world, my female side will always be there interjecting her own sense of self into my male world." While I am not at the point of presenting as female to my co-workers, my female side is getting stronger -- and I think makes me a better person. Like you, I have no intention of HRT or surgery -- but I know that Claire needs to be a bigger part of where I am.

Thanks for sharing this. Each of us has our own path on this journey we are on.

... and oh, if the thought hit you at 15k, how long is your daily run?

Hugs,

Claire

[kimdl93]

Time will tell. I don't believe that the experiences of others are predictive, but they can be informative. In my own experience, I observed that my alignment on the spectrum certainly has shifted. Was this because I changed I some fundamental way, or because I increasingly able to recognize a fundamental that was already present? Hard to say, and perhaps it doesn't matter.

What matters is how you feel right now, personally, in your marriage and other significant relationships. How you define yourself may evolve or reveal itself differently in a year or five, but today you seem to be in a very good place.

[flatlander_48]

I've done a number of guy things in the past that I am not proud of, and these kept weighing on my mind leading to a day-long depression funk.

CC:

Remember that we cannot undo the past. The most useful thing we can do is understand it and carry that information forward for future use. Dwelling on it serves no good purpose.

DeeAnn

[DMichele]

Isha,

First I must say that I enjoy reading your posts. Many are thought provoking, and coupled with the gains you have experienced in your workplace, have had a positive impact on me recognizing who I am. Many, many thanks.

Also, I envy your ability to express your feminine side when out and about and now at your workplace.

I can so relate to your realization that you swayed to femininity as the dominant gender. For me, the realization was sort of a re-birth – and I am enjoying it. And I don’t see going back, but only a question how far I will go.

Similar to Claire, I doubt that I would ever present my feminine side in the work environment, but I will maximize my feminine under garments.

Again thanks; and I wish continued success on your journey.

[Claire Cook]

Hi DeeAnn,

I really appreciate your advice. Sue asked me why I was fussing about things that happened in the past (almost 50 years ago!) that I cannot possibly do anything about. It was the realization after all of these years that I was trying to act like someone that I wasn't that brought me out of it.

Thanks and warmest hugs,

Claire

[Candice Mae]

Isha, I'm happy for you!

Nothing makes me prouder then seeing someone with the courage to embrace who they are, there is no wrong or right just don't let others limit you. Continue to take your time in discovering yourself, don't forget to continue to grow and find the path that is for you.

[AnnieMac]

I dunno Isha . . although I really appreciate your threads and take on things in this forum, especially given your own personal situation. I wouldn't make that decision to TS-hood in the middle of a 15K run on a runners high. At least for me everything seems to make sense when I am exercising (not a runner-my knees hurt to much - but love to swim long distances). I think you need to decided that after you have worked a couple months in your female persona ( gee whatever that is, we are all figuring that out) and see whats its like to be that person. I think it will give you a clearer picture. Also you have to be careful what kind of advice and feedback you get from this forum because we are all like minded here, not the general public, and often times I think this forum persuades CD/TS girls to make the wrong decisions on transitioning, dressing in public, or coming out to a spouse, and causing a lot of unnecessary personal problems.

I am certainly closer to the male side of this TG spectrum than you are. My own personal deal and thoughts now are, am I really a full CD, that is wanting to look and present like a woman at most times, or am I just a guy that likes to, and have the freedom to wear woman's clothes from time to time, when he feels like it? Probably many like me here too. I know, I know, I already have that freedom but I'm just too chicken s**t to act on it. I know though I have no desire to transition (and even that word is now open to different levels of interpretation these days.)

Anyway, just my take on things. I have been accused however many times by friends and family of thinking like a girl. If you have read any of my posts in the past you would probably agree also! Good luck with everything Isha hun.

[Sarah-RT]

Isha, thanks for sharing. One of my own troubles I have is that I can't quite find which box to tick, originally I settled for MtF crossdresser, which mostly still stands however on some days I feel like a seismograph on the spectrum where I think transitioning will solve the shifts in desire on gender and then other days I think I'm sort of attention seeking, regret everyone I've told and let in and wish the earth would swallow me up.

I now like to think that I feel Bi-gendered, some days I'll be as macho as can be, enjoy war films, talk shop with the guys and being 6'4" I like to think I have an intimidating presence
Then another day(s) I'll dress up and long to go shopping, hang out with the girls and talk make up and beauty, run my fingers through my hair and play with it etc etc.

I'll still reach the finish point but the zig zagging off the track is the most confusing. Glad I'm not the only one stumbling through the woods

Sarah x

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Hi Isha,

I think your recent insight is something you've know deep down all along. It's evident in your signature line. You are on this journey to find wholeness as a person. Like an old fashion two-pan scale you may find the needle swinging back and forth as new items are added to each side, but if you leave it alone long enough it will show you where your balance lies. Thank you for being so open with us as you continue to your finish line.

Bridget

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

Thanks much for you kind comments and support.

... and oh, if the thought hit you at 15k, how long is your daily run?

Hi Claire,

LOL . . . my normal morning runs are between 10 and 20 kilometers with the odd long run thrown in should the mood take me (I am a plodder not a racer) the run I was on was a 30 kilometer.

. . . I think that, for us, TS is not the applicable term. It may be much later in life when the the 'female dominant' mindset becomes normal and those male days are distant memories. Then the desire to ensure external matches internal will become more irresistible. Until then, well it's a relentless progression but it's not a rapid one...

Hi Donna,

On that I would agree. While I think I find myself aligned more toward the TS side, I still see myself as gender fluid. However, the reality of my life currently is that at times I do identify female not just a male wearing women's clothing.

I dunno Isha . . I wouldn't make that decision to TS-hood in the middle of a 15K run on a runners high. At least for me everything seems to make sense when I am exercising (not a runner-my knees hurt to much - but love to swim long distances). I think you need to decided that after you have worked a couple months in your female persona ( gee whatever that is, we are all figuring that out) and see whats its like to be that person. I think it will give you a clearer picture. Also you have to be careful what kind of advice and feedback you get from this forum because we are all like minded here, not the general public, and often times I think this forum persuades CD/TS girls to make the wrong decisions on transitioning, dressing in public, or coming out to a spouse, and causing a lot of unnecessary personal problems.

Hi Annie,

Please don't get me wrong. This was not an epiphany I hit upon solely based on one run. I have working with a gender identity therapist for over a year on this exact same issue. We spent much time at odds about my depth of gender dysphoria and she provided me the guidance and space to come to my own realization. As much as I respect many here, I would never make such a decision lightly based on misguided peer pressure. I have been reflecting on this for a very long time and it has become increasingly clear that this is who I was meant to be. Remember, I am not saying I am rushing down the road to HRT or surgery, I am taking this opportunity to do exactly what you suggested, work and live in the female guise during the week. Will it change how I feel? Most likely not as I know this is part of me and it will never go away.

Hugs

Isha

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If you are so into your female side that you are growing your hair and presenting female at work, you should be in therapy working this out. (perhaps you are...sorry i'm not aware of that)
You've basically prioritized female presentation over your job. If your job has a career path, it just got smacked. This is regardless of what is being said directly to you.

As you present more and more it will inform you better about why this is playing out this way. It will help you alot to spend day after day and consider your thoughts

...i found that when i started doing this on weekends, sunday night at 5am i would be sobbing in my nightgown...i couldn't bear to sleep and give up one more hour ...over time i went from thinking it was an addiction or a fetish, then as an "identity focused crossdresser"(i guess that means gender fluid) and finally it dawned on me that i was a self liar...it sucked...it was a very bad 2 years..

One thing you should know is that gender feelings are non negotiable..if you are bigendered or ts or whatever you are, it will come out.
You seem positive and open and those are really good qualities..."fighting" these feelings is a recipe for down feelings and gender dysphoria

Ts people use a cliche that the bell gets rung, and that is a permanent thing, and life changes forever, often in ways you don't want and don't anticipate. Especially if you "fight" or have big issues that prevent transition.
i found this out when it happened to me... frankly if it didn't happen to me, i wouldn't beleive it.

The bell gets rung or it doesn't but you seem to be hanging around the bell quite alot. I hope it doesn't happen to you. If it does, get the best help in therapy and best support you can and do what you think is right for yourself..it seems you have that quality already which is really good.

[AngelaYVR]

It will be interesting to see if this initial rush of euphoria pans out into what you are predicting. I think a lot of members here would be giddy at the thought of unrestricted dressing but how many would keep it up? Time will tell and, however it works out, this will certainly help you understand how you really feel about things.

Angela

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Isha, at age 60, I realize that I am in the 7th inning of my cd journey. You have the makings of throwing a no hitter. You are such a trailblazer in your domestic , professional & social life. Wherever your gender journey takes you, we all know that it will be lined with excitement , newness & peace. You have my deepest respect & thankfulness. Peace to you & your wife.. she must be incredibly special.

[MsVal]

Hi Isha,

Congratulations on all the gains you've made professionally and personally, and thank you for being so willing to share your knowledge with so many inside and outside the TG umbrella.

Even though your recent accomplishment within the CAF is remarkable and worthy of great praise, it unfortunately does not yet meet your personal needs. You identify as gender fluid, but you must choose a gender binary each work day. There does not seem to be an accommodation for someone that identifies neither as masculine or feminine much of the time.

You see, I am on a similar journey to self actualization. My path is different, but I often see you through the forest undergrowth. We may cross paths some day.

I identify as being neither masculine or feminine, but rather, a person that combines attributes of both. As time goes by and I know more about myself I find the masculine traits decreasing and the feminine traits increasing. I don't know where the journey will take me; I may transition one day, but my dear wife and I are still on the path together.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Marcelle]

If you are so into your female side that you are growing your hair and presenting female at work, you should be in therapy working this out. (perhaps you are...sorry i'm not aware of that)
You've basically prioritized female presentation over your job. If your job has a career path, it just got smacked. This is regardless of what is being said directly to you.

Hi Kaitlyn,

No apologies necessary . . . yes I am in therapy and have been for over a year. WRT my career well, let's just say I have spent 33 years in the military having started life as an infantry private with a grade 10 education. Through the military I have attained both and undergrad and graduate degree, have become a senior officer and spent the last 10 years doing something I truly enjoy. My career is winding down and yes, that has given me an amount of safety I realize many may not have. Will people see me differently or treat me different? Probable. Will it stall my career (I can serve until age 60 if I choose)? They can try but we have strict policy on harassment and discrimination in the military and this gal/guy is very used to fighting so to them that will try . . . I say good luck.

Hugs

Isha

[Tracii G]

Isha I wish the best for you on your journey.

[Julie Denier]

You have come such a long way here and provided us with so many wonderful though-provoking insights. I wish you nothing but the best as you continue discovering Isha

[jigna]

I have a special regards fo Army people.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

oh thats an excellent situation for you then..

i wasn't really talking about protection from harassment...i was more just commenting office politics and dog eat dog world if you were on the ladder.

i have found that there is a lot of lip service to courage and willingness to accept difference but in the business world the follow through is a lot less than that talk..