I'm at a crossroads

[casseygelo]

Hello all!

First time posting here, so I'll just dive right on in.

I'm 31yo man, been married for about 8 years (we got married young). When I was about 12 I tried on one of my mom's dresses and put on lips stick and mascara. I got pretty aroused by this and done it a few more times after that. I started to play sports and soon forgot about dressing up like a girl (at the time I wasn't sure what to make of it and never really thought anything of it). It wasn't until I was 19 that I started thinking about crossdressing. I had saw a picture of a ******* and was turned on by the thought of being a woman. I had done it a hand full times after that, always feeling ashamed of myself after I had masturbated while crossdressing. When I had met my soon to be wife I told her of my crossdressing fetish and she had expressed to me it wan't something that turned her on. Her sexual fetish is to be dominated by a man. I was pretty angry and depressed after she had told me that, but I soon buried those feelings and we eventually got married. She didn't mind me dressing up ans sometimes I would and she would do my make-up, I had a wig that I would wear. Every time we did it I would not feel satisfied. For one thing my wife doesn't wear too much make-up, so everything was subtle and I would look like a man with a wig an dress on. Also, she wasn't into it s they sexual aspect was missing. This would leave me feeling angry and depressed. I have a hard time communicating my feelings to my wife, which meant I would evenually just bury my feelings (I have gotten a lot better though). She knew there was something wrong and would ask me about it, but I couldn't ever tell her. This had put a strain on our relationship from time to time.

There was an incident that occurred that changed everything. I had a really good friend that I met threw work. At the time he was going threw a break up with a girl he had moved into town for. I felt bad for him and invited him to a bar to hang out. We hit it off and turned out we both like to play music. So we started to play and record songs (At the time I was learning how to record music). We eventually started a band, and he was over a lot of the time. My wife enjoys the music and take a liking to my friend because he played guitar like her dad did (He had passed away a few years before this). They would always drink I was pretty sober most of the time. I would notice that after he would leave she would shut down and she would get sad and other times she would be super horny. I would try to comfort her when she was sad, but had no luck. I also saw what was going on and had confronted her on it. She admitted that she had feelings for him, but wouldn't act on them. One this about my wife I had learned was she had a hard time lying about anything, she can't even play hooky from work because she doesn't want to lie when she calls in. I had always trusted her really well because of that. About 3 months ago we had thrown a party and had some friends over, everyone was drinking that night. I was up after the party was over and my wife was passed out. Her phone goes off with a text. I look at it and see if was from my friend telling her good night and how he had fun with her. My jealousy kicked and I looked at their text conversation. During the party he had texted her "You look beautiful". She had replied " Thanks, I think you're handsome. You make me excited". I also saw they had random texts just checking in seeing how each other after doing. I get angry and confront her on it she starts to feel really bad and admits they had held hands on multiple occasions (Now I know this isn't sex, but I felt like the relationship was being violated by someone else.) Ultimately I cut all break off the friendship and gave her an ultimatum, me or him. She still wanted to be friends with him, but i wasn't having it and eventually told me she couldn't imagine me not being in her life. We made a list of things we needed from each other and things we wanted to do. I have been working on my communication.

One thing I told her I wanted to do was be more feminine and dress up more (At least try to). She had been watching a lot of make-up tutorials and got better at it. So one night she did my make up and I put on a dress and wig. Looked into the mirror and I was in shock and then it was met with happiness. My wife said she had never saw me that happy. After that night being a woman has been on my mind even after I masturbate. I am still not sure if its something want to do, but I want to explore more of it, get a women's haircut, keep my body smooth, wear make-up and cloths a lot more, even try to act like a girl. The problem id my wife, who is supportive of all this, said if I were to transition she can't see herself in the relationship anymore because she wants to be with a man. I completely understand where she is coming from and would hate to lose our marriage over it. That's why I am at a crossroads. I made a big step and made an appointment for gender therapy.

If you guys have any advice that would be great. Sorry for the long story.

[PaulaQ]

I think seeing a gender therapist is a good idea. I think you need to try to understand your feelings about your gender. Nothing about gender therapy commits you to transition.

Nothing about what you said suggests you'll transition, in my opinion. However, there may well be a lot of things you haven't said, and they may make a difference. These things are notoriously difficult to predict. Honestly, you sound like a crossdresser. (Again, I don't know you, so I can't tell you anything about your gender identity.)

Feeling sexual things when crossdressed is not uncommon. Not all of us got them, but many do. However, pretty much all of us, when we really come out to ourselves and admit we are women, find that the sexual feelings when presenting female simply vanish in fairly short order. (Mine evaporated in about two weeks after I came out to myself.) In general, I'd tell you to just ignore the positive feelings you get when you are crossdressed. They are meaningless. Well, they aren't, but they don't tell you much about your gender identity, as best I can tell.

Consider the negative stuff you might feel when you aren't presenting as female. Are you comfortable presenting as male? Do you like it? Can you list what types of things you like about being a man? How do you feel about your face, your body, your facial and body hair? Do you relate well with a lot of people, or have you always felt distant and alienated? (There's no reason to answer these directly on the forum, just think about them.) How do you feel emotionally when you are presenting as male?

Most, but not all of us, but I think most of us, are motivated to transition not by positive things (It's so awesome to be a woman - actually, it isn't awesome at all, it's only awesome compared to being a woman who's trying to pretend to be a man), but rather by negative things we felt. Before I started my transition, I was depressed, suicidal, I suffered horrible panic attacks. Anti-depressants / anti-anxiety medications barely scratched the surface of these symptoms. I'd felt alienated my whole life. I hated having sex as a man - I spent a great deal of energy trying to avoid using my genitals at all. I hated my beard shadow, my body hair. I hated my face. I hated myself, really. Although people told me I was a nice looking guy, I'd always felt like I was hideous looking. All of this stuff was somewhat mitigated by CDing. However, these symptoms really only became manageable once I'd started HRT. (The emotional benefits I got from HRT were well above average, and atypical, in my opinion. They were, however, quite real.)

None of the symptoms I list are definitive. In fact, mine were really bad - I was ready to commit suicide if I hadn't transitioned. Not all of us reach this point, but a lot of us do. Those of us who aren't so desperate, though, are usually quite unhappy in their lives as men, and realize that they are women.

So I wish I could tell you that there were a definitive list of symptoms that prove you need to transition. Unfortunately there isn't. Everyone experiences this differently, and with different degrees of severity. You have to look at many things that are related to gender. Ultimately though, you have to realize, and really believe, that you are, in fact, a woman, despite all outward appearances.

You need to be pretty sure about this before you transition. It's a difficult path to take, transition. I don't want to seem negative about this - if you need to do this, do it before you kill or injure yourself. Transition saved my life. However, almost everything about my current life as a woman is demonstrably worse than it was in my life as a man. The key thing that made it worth it is that I could no longer bear life as a man. It didn't matter that I had a wonderful wife and nice stuff. I couldn't take another day of being a guy. I lost a lot - most of us do, although again, not all of us do. Some of us lose almost nothing. The odds are very high that you'll lose your marriage - I lost mine. Again, though, I know couples that survive transition.

Please don't get the wrong impression. I don't regret my transition for one minute. Yeah, my life is a lot harder in some ways now. It isn't as hard as some people's, and I'm grateful for that. But it's still hard - odds are, at some point in your transition, you'll face discrimination of a sort you have never experienced in your life. If I could go back in time and tell my younger self something, it would be to tell her to transition at 18.

You are displaying some symptoms of gender dysphoria, but most CDs do, and yours sound fairly mild. (Although again, there may be a whole bunch you aren't telling us because it isn't obvious to you that it's relevant.) They may not stay mild - or they may be worse than you understand yet, so I'm not trying to say anything definitive about you.

You are not necessarily at a crossroads though. Really, you don't know quite where you are, so a gender therapist is a great idea. The biggest symptom that you might need to transition that you've said in your post is that you are thinking about transition. That's definitely a symptom, but it just doesn't prove anything - many of the CDs I know have entertained such thoughts.

Another suggestion I'd make is to visit a local transgender support group. Listen to the trans women there talk about their feelings. See if you identify with what they feel on any kind of a deep level. I think this is useful information - if you identify with some of us, you may well be one of us.

Again, I'm not a counselor or therapist. However, I lead a trans women's support group, and I end up talking with a good number of people who are unsure whether or not they need to transition. Listening to your story, my bet would not be on transition, at least not yet, but then again, I don't get the opportunity to see your body language, and sometimes that's quite telling.

BTW, if you do figure out where you are now with respect to your gender, don't be surprised if this changes in the future. That happens sometimes.

Best of luck!

[Katey888]

Bit early I feel to be talking about the transition-word in such depth Paula...

Cassey, first of all welcome, and not too long a story - also I think one that others may have experienced in similar ways...

There seem to be several things interacting here, in brief:
- You say you buried things before you got married that you're now trying to resolve (probably not a good start but also not uncommon - many of us do that; it's a human failing but common...)
- You are understandably jealous of your wife's attentions towards a friend - but perhaps a more 'macho' male in your wife's eyes, given this other side of you is known to your wife...
- You are exploring this side of you more and perhaps feel that there is more to it than just something that is fetish or sex-related, but you mention transition which seems a huge leap from where you are (unless there are things you are not prepared to reveal)

The majority of us seem to experience some sort of sexual or sensual period, even if not the start - and that often progresses to more complete transformations with time, and/or exploring gender fluidity - so you're not unusual in that sense. Being a crossdresser, however, is still a little unusual in the world of normals, and you may just be seeing your wife reacting to this. It must be hard to feel you can be successfully dominated as a woman by a man that wears a dress, if you see what I mean.

You're doing the right thing in trying to improve communication with your wife and trying to understand what the dressing means to you. I'm sure many of us go through periods where we flirt with the fantasy of 'being' a woman - the whole dressing thing may be just that for some of us - and others may experience a mild form of GD that leaves us a little in no-mans land (pun intended) where occasional dressing is enough to fulfil our inexplicable needs (I'm in that category) and we can continue as an apparently normal, cis-male to everyone, including our spouses, if we're prepared to keep this huge secret. I guess I'm saying you probably need to try to determine where you are and what this means to you as your wife has made it very clear she needs a man who is predominantly a man - and that's not unreasonable of her: it's a choice.

It's good that you're looking at therapy to help you with your issues - perhaps you would both benefit from some couples counselling too? If you want to recover your relationship I'd suggest that both of you need to step back from the activities that are threatening it: you from your dressing, and she from her flirting, if only for a while - that at least brings you back to a stable place to start from.

Good luck with it all - take it as slowly as you can, keep talking, and try to find a way through if you can.

Katey x

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Hi Cassey,

You are still near the beginning of your journey in this land of cross dressing. Seeing a therapist is definitely a huge help because you first need to determine who you are and, exactly, what dressing means to you. As you get that professional guidance keep coming here too. The collective experience and wisdom assembled here is invaluable. You've already heard from two of the best.

One piece of advice that has been given and will continue to be given is to keep up communication with your wife, and be sure she gets as much loving attention from you as possible. Others have found that the more in touch with their feminine sides they get, the better husbands they become.

Good luck as you begin this period of self discovery, and don't be afraid to ask questions.

Bridget

[Kaitlyn Michele]

see a therapist

fantasies mean different things to different people

when you are with a woman making love are you ALWAYS fantasizing about being a woman? are you suffering gender dysphoria?
are you happy usually as a man? do men constantly confuse you and make you feel "wrong" like you are just faking it?? etc etc...these aren't diagnostic questions just examples of things for you to think about

it seems to me you should explore therapy and explore cross dressing and try to learn for yourself what it means to you

[ReineD]

After that night being a woman has been on my mind even after I masturbate. I am still not sure if its something want to do, but I want to explore more of it, get a women's haircut, keep my body smooth, wear make-up and cloths a lot more, even try to act like a girl.

Hi Caseygelo, welcome to the forum!

You're describing what just about every CDer goes through. The feelings are pretty intense, and a lot of CDers find this puzzling, especially when it moves beyond wanting to masturbate each time. Many CDers at this point begin to go out in public dressed occasionally (if they feel they can get away with it), and if you do this regularly you'll likely find that after a while your feelings will balance out meaning that you'll have a great time dressing and you will find a happy medium between doing this and being in guy mode.

Just know that what you're going through is perfectly normal and it does not mean that you want to be a girl full time, if this is what you are wondering about. Others here have written about the intensity of the feelings and you can read about it if you search for "Pink Fog". The tag search here is broken, because only 14 threads show up when you search. But luckily we have Google and it yielded 6,000 results in this forum alone:

https://www.google.com/search?q=pink...ssdressers.com

[JayeLefaye]

Hi Cassey,

Welcome to the Forum. Glad you found us!!

I am just going to offer a couple of observations, and wish you the very best.

Your post consists of three main paragraphs. The first one actually deals with 2 separate issues:

1. Your early crossdressing experiences and yes, the masturbation is not unusual at all at that stage, as is the guilt. No way around that, I'm afraid.

2. You met your wife, and GOOD FOR YOU at being right up front about it from the beginning! Especially, since you really had no clue of why it was a turn on for you and all kinds of other questions. But you were honest, as was SHE!!!

Your second paragraph, "There was an incident", has nothing, necessarily, to do with cross dressing, and is not really uncommon. It's a relationship issue, pure an simple, and I think needs to be taken out of the cross dressing equation. Trust me on this. My wife is a therapist and half her "relationship" clients come in because of a text/e-mail/facebook thingie that brought something to light. Every now and then, we meet someone who makes us feel "alive", or something like that. I cold try to explain it, in my own words, but it would take way to long because I ramble. A good therapist can usually be much more focused:-)

You last paragraph sums up very well where you are now on your Journey, including the fact that your real Journey is just beginning, and I mean, just beginning! Take a deep breath. Don't anticipate where it will lead. It sounds like the open and honest communication that your wife and you established in the beginning continues, and that is so, very, awesome! Congratulations to the both of you!!!

I'm glad you're going to see a gender therapist. Hopefully, they are a good one. Please keep in mind, that this is still very early days. You haven't made any irreconcilable mistakes yet. You are exploring, questioning, and trying to figure things out. There is time for all of it.

Wishing you the very best,

Jaye

[PaulaQ]

Bit early I feel to be talking about the transition-word in such depth Paula...

She brought it up, and it was originally on the TS forum, which is why I talked about it. But yeah, it's waaaaaay early to even think about stuff like that, I agree! (I said that, I think!) Since it was on the other forum, I wanted to take her seriously, but also convey "probably not."

[flatlander_48]

cg:

Glad yyouu could join us!

One thing I would add is don't be in a hurry to sort this out. There can be a lot to understand and process, so you want to spend time actually thinking about your therapy sessions. These are not trivial issues and to rush through the helps no one.

DeeAnn

[Marcelle]

Hello Cassey and welcome to the forum. I think the best statement you have written is "I made a big step and an appointment for gender therapy". All we can do is offer a layperson's view of what it means to be transgender to ourselves based on our own experiences. Yes, there are common themes such as early sexual release while dressed, an intense feeling to explore being a woman, taking steps to appear more female (e.g., removal of body hair) but that is superficial. What differs is what it means to each individual to express the other gender and that is something a therapist can help bring order to chaos.

Don't get too wrapped up in who or where your are in relation to dressing. Could you transition some day? Perhaps but then again you may not. Your therapist should help you explore what it means to you and guide you along the journey while providing a sounding board for concerns and questions. Take it one day at a time, it is not a race. One day, the light will come on and you will know in your heart of hearts who you need to be. Good luck.

Hugs

Isha

[Adriana Moretti]

wow...KUDOS to all you gals who answered this thread...This is one of the most genuine threads I have seen in a while, and there is some great, helpful advice here. I took one look at it and said " WOW "....I have not much to add, because the gals here already blessed you with some gems, except to put it in my own terms.

Take the foot off the gas, set it to cruise control, and enjoy the journey. There is no race and no winner, and no finish line. Find a balance for now. xoxo

[casseygelo]

Hello Everyone,

I want to start off by thanking you all for your input, you have given me a lot to think about (which is a good thing). I have definitely notice my relationship change with my wife, and I haven't been more happy with our relationship. We have both identified issues with our relationship and am working hard to correct them. I want to get it out there that I don't hate my wife for not being completely into my crossdressing. I use to be, but I have come to an understanding that we all have our certain wants and desires. For me it's the desire to be done up as a women.

I am looking forward to my therapy session, which is tomorrow. I'm glad that I'm starting to acknowledge this part of myself and am doing something about it. I don't know where it is going to land me, but the one thing that everyone of you just about said it "take it slow" and that is something I am definitely going to do. Thanks again for you advice and I'll keep you all informed on my progress.

Kind Regards,

Cassey

[LeslieSD]

Thanks a lot for sharing your experience. I had a lot of similar experience and I am struggling on getting things sorted out myself too. It is probably easier to talk about it as a bystander, but I am sure it feels a whole lot more stressful when you are in the middle of it. There is the excitement and guilt with dressing, the stress with wife's un-acceptance, and on top of all these the uncertainty of what she is saying to another man.

I can try to analyse it from outside. Maybe it does not make sense, so take it with a grain of salt. I think the issue to start exploring is whether your wife is a naturally "flirty" person or not (as far as you know). If she is, then maybe there is not much to worry about, and you may have to be confident in your relationship and let those "text" go. She should know by this age about when to stop and where to hold the line. So you have nothing to worry about. However, if she is not naturally a "flirty" person, you got a problem to sort out immediately with her. Because that might be an indication that she (may be subconsciously) has decided that she can never take your dressing, and started to look for a way to get rid of the issue (a. apply pressure so you can be "corrected", b. the other guys is more attractive, or c. just to have a thing to irritate you so to get you two separated). But this is a terrible way to go down to, for she might be avoiding resolving the issue between two of you as adults.

I believe you have done the right thing, which is to ignore the "text incidence" and directly layout the truth in front of you two and face it as adults. What you are and what can not be cured, what she wants and what can not be compromised, etc. You guys will find a way.

Hope this helps. Please do keep us updated on how it goes.