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Thread: Cats kept me from ending it all, last night.

  1. #26
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    Alice I for one have read your posts for several years and what you are going thru is truly heartbreaking at times.
    Your posts here always make me think and reflect on my life as well.
    Your cats love you and we do too.

  2. #27
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    A T:

    Sorry to hear that things are not going well at present. To me, the fact that your circumstances are unique in a number of ways only adds to the richness of this community. We're not all the same and therefore our challenges and experiences are not the same. So, what that means is that we have an opportunity to get varied perspectives on what is going on around us. I have always appreciated difference and what it has to tell me. It allows us the unique ability to see beyond our own lives. I have to tell you that while I have not always agreed with you, I do thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and perspectives. It is how we learn and how we progress.

    DeeAnn

  3. #28
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    I am feeling absolutely cursed, and this whole family is a closed, fusion, extremely bizarro lie! Parents who were against their kids dating, and marrying. Dad jealous of the sons he fathered, but never wanted. Smothering mother, who would not let her kids go. Sister, the firstborn, very spoiled who was taught to believe boys and men were nasty, sex was evil, , then got dystonia, a very rare disease. parents took her to new York, for two brain operations, that helped one problem, but caused severe speech impediment. I am grieved that , since i left Seattle to move to this very unfriendly, closed area, i have not had a date, in over five years, no guy friends. I just about got into a vbad scene five minutes ago, with a guy. I recognized the lady on the computer next to me, from talking to her, walking her cute dog, and said how is your pooch?. I did not know the guy on her other side was her boyfriend, and he did not like it. They switched places, and he is definitely guarding her from me? Can you believe it??? America is becoming an insane asylum!!! I did nothing threatening to her. Just asked her how her pooch was, and that i have two cats, and they get threatened!!! That is the story of my life!! No girlfriends, other than an aquaintance in Tacoma Was, who is in the church i used to attend. She is not the nicest person, either.. Being only around the toxic fusion family is not healthy. I stay away most of the time, but they know where i live, and pass my place often, to go the the store. if i had the money, i would move a bit further away. I cannot afford to move anywhere now, though. To me, family = hell on earth. I believe my whole family has severe denial, and emotional, mental illness, bitterness and rage inside. I hope the next world is not like this cruel one.

    Thanks again to all of you. Jalle, Yes, i have been to ACOA 12 step meetings, back around 1985, started, and went for ten yrs around Seattle, but being forced to move back to the toxic family in 2010, there are no meetings around, this small town area, except an AA meeting, which i will try to get to Sunday. Sadly, it is Father's Day again. These holidays are HELL for me! My toxic father is in his 95the year now, denial personified, never said he was sorry about anything. My sister thinks she is withoput faults too. I always struggle to find a card for Father's Day. He never wanted me, and resente having to support me. He treated my sister like royalty, though. My sister said i am holding grudges, and not forgiving. If i had not forgiven them, i would not have been willing to sacrifice everything for the second time, to move back to help him, after my older twin brothers were arrested. In 2011, one brother was released. if i had know that would happen, i would not have sacrificed everything to move back to help. Father's Day, Mother's Day, and birthdays are very difficult for me. I cannot sign, "love". I sign, Sincerely. I have had a number of suicidal episodes especially the last three years. I bought some lithium oratate, and it seems to help a little, but having connection with others occasionally helps, most. I know i am damaged severely, and i have trouble with friendships, and any relationships. Too self centere, in a sick way. It is so hard to always be helping others, when i am a sick loner. I will try to get to the 12 step AA meeting, and my VA therapist. It could be i need to be in the hospital a while, but then, no one to care for my cats. My family are all against recovery, and are in 150% denial, think they are good. My sister may need care, soon, but i sure as heck am not going to be her boyfriend, or roommate! She has the money to get assisted care, i think. I wrote her a letter, that she and i need friends outside of the family. She thinks i am the less smart baby of the family yet. SORRY! I am rambling on so much. I I need to talk at the 12 step meeting. Moose, 12 steps sometimes bother me, too, in that we are all different. I know that if i go out in this small town area all dolled up, a crowd with clubs and pitchforks may show up, or possible vandalism. bad area for dressing. I need to get help , and become stable before i go out, anyway.
    Last edited by Katey888; 06-21-2015 at 04:58 AM. Reason: Consecutive posts merged - please use edit post to add to existing post rather than adding a successive post...

  4. #29
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Alice, I am so sorry about the situation you are in. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom but all I can say is that I hope you are able to make a plan to move away from the people who are so unpleasant to you and find happiness in a new place.

    Cats are very good judge of character, they love you and need you as much as you love and need them.

    Best of luck to you.

  5. #30
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    Alice - Thank you for sharing your feelings and your situation. You do know you need help and that help is available for you. Please see your VA therapist ASAP. There is a terrific hotline for immediate help 1-800-273-8255. Please consider calling. They help Veterans like us and there is always someone there for you.

    Let us know how you are doing because you can help others, too. I am asking you to be my friend in this forum and I hope you accept.

  6. #31
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    Plain and simple.... NOTHING IS WORTH HURTING OR ENDING YOURSELF>

    If you feel alone reach out to someone to talk to. Seek professional help but please.... remember NOTHING I WORTH hurting yourself.

  7. #32
    Gold Member JenniferR771's Avatar
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    I always appreciate your posts, Alice. Intelligent--at times very insightful. Sorry you are in a sad place. I am sure your cats love and need you. I think they need a back rub and a special treat today.
    Now get out there and go shopping. A new spring outfit will probably pick up your spirits. I am looking forward to some photos.
    Lots of people have nutty families. Thank God for the good times and forget about the bad times--you can't change the past--only the future.

  8. #33
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Alice life is tough no matter what your circumstances and it can be more difficult for some more than others, but life is a gift and I hope you find it somehow to try and move on. You have had a tough life it sounds but the world is better with you than without you
    Hugs Leigh

  9. #34
    Silver Member giuseppina's Avatar
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    Alice, please stop the lithium NOW. I don't know if it is the form used for bipolar disorder, but lithium is toxic in high enough doses. Self medication is dangerous to your health.

    Please book an appointment with your doctor on Monday.

    Given your remarks, I doubt you will inherit anything significant from your aged father.

  10. #35
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    Alice,
    Sadly we can only write kind words but I hope you can take great comfort from them you know we all feel for you as most of your circumstances are known to us .
    I value my dog highly and it's so good your cats used that uncanny sense animals have of knowing when something is going to happen and react in the way they did !

    I'm just going to pick up on something MM said about suicide, not all are premeditated , mine almost happened like a switch going over, yes I was desperate after coming out to my wife, but it was an instant moment of seeing a truck speeding up to me on a junction and my foot sliding from the brake to accelerator to drive myself under it ! It that split second a voice almost shouted in my ear, " You selfish b******* how is that truck driver going to live with your death !" I plan not to go down that road again , life is too precious !

    Alice I hope you don't mind an ironical story of a guy who tried to gas himself by putting his head in an oven supplied with natural gas, obviously it didn't work so he sat back in the chair and not thinking lit a cigarette ! He achieved his goal but not the way he intended !

  11. #36
    Senior Member Sarah V's Avatar
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    Ms. Alice, I don't know if this will help any, but the VA has a suicide prevention hotline also. Here is the info: http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ or phone 1-800-273-8255 (press 1,) the VA even does live on-line chats for this too. I would encourage you to call it and speak with someone, esp. if you are more comfortable in talking with folks from the VA. Hope this helps.
    Last edited by Sarah V; 07-12-2015 at 05:37 PM.


    Sarah[SIZE="3"][/SIZE]

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  12. #37
    Aspiring Member Sarah Beth's Avatar
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    Alice,

    I don't know you and can't imagine how difficult things have been for you in your life and continue to be. Just take the advice that is being given here about consulting with professionals and calling a hotline when you feel you just can't handle it anymore. I don't know you but I would be sad to here of you passing because you are on of the family from here.

    I live in Kansas, not sure how close I am to you but if you want a friend to email or maybe call or something just to unload to you can pm me. I know how difficult it can be to not have someone to just vent to.
    "It takes all kinds of kinds" Miranda Lambert
    Now some point a finger and let ignorance linger
    If they'd look in the mirror they'd find.
    That ever since the beginning to keep the world spinning
    It takes all kinds of kinds.

  13. #38
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    Alice, I'm sorry you have such a challenging home life. It says good things about you that you gave of yourself to care for your father when your family didn't. Remember to care about yourself too; you're definitely worth it!

    Several years ago I was also severely depressed, unemployed for over a year, didn't speak to my friends or family for several months, and was ready to give up and end everything. I finally realized that we don't need to rely on anyone for our happiness but ourselves. I began doing something each day that made me feel good. It was small things at first - taking out the trash, watering my plants, washing the dishes, smiling and wishing a stranger "have a good day", watching a butterfly on a pretty flower. I *chose* to be happy about each one. These small joys grew - the plants grew bigger and greener, my whole apartment was clean for the first time in a year, and I made new friends. This gave me the confidence I needed for job interviews, eventually leading to an even better job. It wasn't always easy, but I learned to let things that bothered me just slide off and focus on what I needed to make my life better, and it did get better!

    I'm so glad you listened to your cats, reached out to us, and are doing things to get better. Sarah posted info for the VA helpline, put it in your phonebook, keep it handy, and don't be afraid to use it. Talk openly with your therapist. Tell them what you've been considering and what you're doing to help yourself. They have other resources that can help. Also tell your therapist about the lithium. While it does wonders for some people, it's not for everybody. Let your doctor help find the best thing for you. Btw, if you want to explore more natural sources for it, beans are a good source of lithium, not to mention fiber. A girl has to keep regular, you know! ;-)

    We may have never met in person, but there are a lot of people here who care about you and are glad to listen. As Pink Floyd says, "just keep talking".

  14. #39
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    Alice, do seek professional help. As part of that help begin making plans to leave your family behind and begin a new life away from their toxic waste.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  15. #40
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Computer ran out of time here at the library. Trying again, Thanks again, all ot you who replied, and for your concern. I made it t an AA meeting, yesterday. It was all married women, and one married guy, but that is fine. I just is a bit difficult being a 61 yr old lonely lifetime bachelor, being around women, and they are all married! Hoping to go to 2 12 step meetings a wee. Missed my VA therapist appointment today, because the car would not start. Finally got it going, but too late. Going Friday. I have been in 12 step groups, emotionl/mental health recovery, since 1985, mainly around Seattle. Now, in small town Illinois, where everyone is married, or redneckish, it seems close to an old bachelor. A lot of my problem, is being blocked all my life from having an SO. My first female friend ended her life, at 21. My sister is 66, never had a relationship. Brother in prison does not. Brother out of prison now, does not. A patter, and that makes me feel my family has curses. I did buy some cherries, and a funny Father's Day card, and went to see my dad for a little while. I have to forgive him, and my family, but also not be around them too much. I also have t learn to be good to myself, with out beint too self centered. I am very self centered, and it ranks on people. I apologize to you people for being so damned self centered. I am happy to say, that my brother in prison is going to in prison AA meetings now. He wrote me a letter, and for the first time was not mean, and critical. It will not be smooth for me, with my emotional ills, , paranoya, and schizophrania, and i cannot grantee i will not hit deep bottom again. I t really is one minute at a time. It has been very hard for me, in the work world , at times, with these struggles. I know you all, and every honest human being has trouble , and struggles, not all the same, though. Some people have occasional trails, and tribulations. Some of us, all moments are a battle. I know quite a few TG, and TS, have terrific struggles, and some have ended it all. I am only cdTg, and have not been out much. My troubles strted long before i put on a dress. When another minute of anguish seems like too much, and the mental pain is so great, a person can go all the way, and end it all, and it as very hard to see any reason to keep going in the agony. I have been ther many times, but Thursday evening was the lowesat low ever for me, seeing no way our, wrote my suiced note, and wrote down instructions on what to do with my body, and stuff. I had a thing i was going to end my cat's lives with, but the big gray one was playing with the thing. Prayed also, but decided no, I cannot put them to sleep, and must be there for them, even if no woman ever wants me. Thanks fro hearing me, letting me share. Best to all of you.
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 06-24-2015 at 12:24 PM.

  16. #41
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    Alice,

    It sounds like you are seeing a professional who is prescribing meds. I hope you will be insistent on having them adjust your meds. Lithium sometimes stops working, I saw this in my mother who was fine for 20 years then went back into a deep depression. I am sure there are difficult things in your life, but your body chemistry may be leading you towards an avoidable outcome. Please insist that your medical provider help you by trying other medications.

  17. #42
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Trish, I hear you. I take a lot of vitamins and minerals, and they help me a lot. I have heard for several radio doc, that lithium carbonate, is not good for us. Lithium orotate is better for the body, i have heard and read. I think i will asked to be taken off lithium carbonate, and hopefully not get on a worse med.

    I received a PM from a person, on here, who was quite angry with me, for writing this thread. I am sorry this has made someone angry, and i apologize if this tread caused hurt. I was simply fighting for my existance when i wrote it. Please forbear me, and i hope you, who are offended will find healthy outlets for your angst, too. ONE DAY AT A TIME IN A CRAZY TIME.
    Last edited by Shelly Preston; 06-22-2015 at 12:46 PM. Reason: Merged

  18. #43
    Multi-Blogger Barbara Black's Avatar
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    Alice, I share your lifetime of depression, although not for any diagnosed cause. But as many times as I thought about suicide, I have never attempted it because I always have this deep down feeling that there is always something I will miss that is positive and enjoyable, no matter how much crap floats by in the meantime. I hope you clutch this floating straw and keep it with you in the worse times. There is always something good ahead.

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