What does it mean to be a woman?

[Eringirl]

So, spent the weekend with my girls in their city as part of "Father's Day"...after all, I am still their father. Anyway, had a chance to have a one-on-one chat with my youngest daughter. She is the one that is struggling with all of this the most. Now, let it be known, she has flat out told me that she loves me very much, and always will, and that she is not going anywhere. She just needs some time to digest and process all of this. So I am trying to give her as much time as I can. Patience.

She said she wanted to ask me a question, and wasn't sure if anyone has asked me this before, and if I "don't know", that is fine. So, she asked me "What does it mean to you to be a woman?" Well, I admitted, that is a bloody great question!! And no, no one has asked me that before. So, I paused and then we started a 45 minute discussion around it.

I think what she was afraid of is that I think being a woman is all about having perfect nails and hair and makeup etc. Just the exterior. She told me she works hard to be taken seriously at work, so while she dresses professionally, down plays her nails and hair etc. I think she is afraid for me, that I will come across as a "ditsy" gal, and no one will take me seriously. She told me never to "flip my hair" in her presence as she will loose it on me! Okay, good to know, file that away. And, I would never do that anyway, just not me.

So, that was a very interesting conversation. Essentially said that for me it is about being a smart, confident, empathetic, fun woman, who has something to contribute,proud of her accomplishments, and a valued opinion, and that when I walk into a room, I want them to see a woman with a great deal of self respect, that is thoughtful in her appearance, appropriate for the occasion/situation and has a contribution to make. It seemed to settled her brain. I think she was afraid I would soley be responsible for setting back the feminist movement 50 years!!

Anyone else ever have that questions lobed in their direction??

[Dianne S]

Wow, that is a tough one. I don't know that I can come up with a very coherent answer.

For me, "being a woman" just means having people around me perceive me in a way that's similar to the way I perceive myself, rather than having everyone else perceive me as something I feel I'm not.

Yeah, that was a pretty incoherent attempt.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy pretty clothes, nice makeup, etc. But to me, being able to express myself in those ways is just a really nice perk rather than the whole point of the exercise.

[Starling]

I think both those answers are serious, wise and obviously heartfelt; and, in fact, they complement one another beautifully. For me, personally rather than generally, being a woman means not having to calculate everything I say and do.

I think this can be a really interesting thread. Thanks for starting it, Dianne.

Lallie

[Sandie70]

Good question. One that must be answered carefully, with the core of the question being "What does it mean to you to be a woman?" Not what it means to be a woman... something only a GG can answer truly.

So, the first part of the answer for me would be that it means still being me, but with a different perspective. It means taking the best of what I perceive about the female gender and trying it on for size... seeing how my perception of femininity might give me greater insights on the world about me.

Second, it means trying out the "walk a mile in my shoes" adage to view the male personae from this perch and get a better understanding of who I am overall.

And third, it means giving myself a chance to let a hidden part of me out into the open... with the understanding that within us all are elements of each gender, and by doing this I can experience something wonderful - for a brief moment at times being a woman. I guess that this part of my answer can be simplified to "girls just want to have fun." (lol)

[LeaP]

I haven't had the question in that form, but I've talked all around and through the topic.

In the end, it just means being myself. Certain expressions may or may not measure up to someone's expectations or stereotypes. Doesn't matter. I'm doing what I am because it is expressive of my self, not because it will improve my looks or help me pass, though I hope for both, and not to intentionally meet a stereotype of my own, though I suppose at some level that's unavoidable.

The topics (e.g., cultural expectations, ditzy impressions, stereotypes, and superficialities related to dress) might be better addressed as "what does it mean for you to deal with these things as a trans woman?" because you will be measured by them differently than natal women to the degree you are seen as trans.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Good question. One that must be answered carefully, with the core of the question being "What does it mean to you to be a woman?" Not what it means to be a woman... something only a GG can answer truly.

So, the first part of the answer for me would be that it means still being me, but with a different perspective. It means taking the best of what I perceive about the female gender and trying it on for size... seeing how my perception of femininity might give me greater insights on the world about me.

Second, it means trying out the "walk a mile in my shoes" adage to view the male personae from this perch and get a better understanding of who I am overall.

And third, it means giving myself a chance to let a hidden part of me out into the open... with the understanding that within us all are elements of each gender, and by doing this I can experience something wonderful - for a brief moment at times being a woman. I guess that this part of my answer can be simplified to "girls just want to have fun." (lol)

So a transsexual woman can't be a woman?
Gee thanks. This is what you call a careful answer??

Girls just wanna have fun. Woohoo. That's definitely it.

So what exactly is the best women have to offer that you want to try for a spin

and what are the bad parts that you don't like? the not so best so parts??

This is exactly the kind of answer that makes me love The tg gender umbrella so much

[Jennifer-GWN]

Erin; I think you nailed it...

"it is about being a smart, confident, empathetic, fun woman, who has something to contribute,proud of her accomplishments, and a valued opinion, and that when I walk into a room, I want them to see a woman with a great deal of self respect, that is thoughtful in her appearance, appropriate for the occasion/situation and has a contribution to make"

I'd have answered similar. A mature, professional, confident answer.

However we all deserve the occasional hair flip... is that not asking too much?

Cheers... Jennifer

[PretzelGirl]

I look at it maybe more abstractly. If I say my inner self feels like a woman, it is an overall, internal sense of self. Behaviors are just being your natural self without effort and are neither male or female. Being flamboyant is neither straight nor gay, but yourself. Then clothing, nails, hair, etc is gender expression and has no direct bearing on gender identity.

An example. Today I was served at Starbucks, for about the 5th time in the last two weeks (I am going out of my normal area) by an individual with a male name, about 6' plus 1-2 inches, long hair, female jewelry, make-up, neutral clothing, and what I would gauge as a male voice. Wonderful person, wonderful smile, and we have had great talks as two people. None of that tells me if he/she/they identify as a woman or not. Not using pronouns becomes a bit of a skill set, but avoids assumptions and possible embarrassment. That was the tricky part as I just wanted to have a good talk and not outwardly acknowledge I sensed a variance in gender expression.

[KellyJameson]

You are what you identify with and you identify with that which you value and you value that which you know yourself to be. To be simpatico. To resonate with. To see in another that which you see in yourself or want to.

Gender identity comes out of self awareness and acceptance of self mirrored in others.

To be a woman is not to be a man. What is a man?

I do not share the instinctual drives of a male, so I do not share in their behavior or values. Never have and never will.

It was and certainly now is impossible. Men are different from me and I will never intuitively be able to understand them to the same degree or in the same way I can with women.

It was and is still difficult for me to understand male thinking because I do not share in their values because I am biologically motivated by different "impulses". It goes very deep and has always been there.

I am a woman because I was not made into a male. My body was changed but "I was not", creating a very painful dichotomy placing me in perpetual conflict with myself because of my physical self and this physical self that lived among others. Mind against matter (physical and social body)

I was born without "maleness" so of course I could not identify with males (boys & men)

Look for that "knowing" that you were not like any other boy or man you have ever met. That you have always been a foreigner in a strange land hiding the fact that you do not belong and are not one of them and fearful "the men" would figure it out.

That is where you will find you and what you find will be this woman your daughter wants to hear about.

She wants to see if at your core you are what she knows all women to be. She has not yet "felt" this woman as you mirroring her as other woman do. She does not "sense" this woman but she is "looking for her" through your talks.

It is subliminal. You will not be able to fake it. It is a type of knowing without knowing.

It is a type of deep knowing that another is like you.

It is the "place" inside you and another and the "what" inside you and another that creates and perpetuates "gender identity" with that gender.

To transition is to now in a sense become invisible from the dichotomy ending.

You are now "wearing" the proper suit of skin (form)

[Rianna Humble]

She said she wanted to ask me a question, and wasn't sure if anyone has asked me this before, and if I "don't know", that is fine. So, she asked me "What does it mean to you to be a woman?" Well, I admitted, that is a bloody great question!! And no, no one has asked me that before. So, I paused and then we started a 45 minute discussion around it.

Erin, I have to agree that it is a blooming good question to which you gave a very thoughtful answer. It is not one that anyone has asked me.

As I have never fundamentally understood why men behave the way that they do, I'm not sure that I have given much thought to why I am a woman.

I think that to me, in addition to much of what you have said, it is about allowing the person that I know myself to be to come out in a way that people around me can see and reflect back to me. If it had been about having perfect hair and makeup, I would have fallen at the first hurdle.

[Badtranny]

It really isn't about "being a woman" is it.

I've thought about this an awful lot over the years and for me, my transition was just about being authentic. I have no idea if I'm a "real" woman, or even how a woman feels for that matter.

Maybe even after all of this work I am still a man after all?

All I can say is that I now feel much more comfortable on the female side of the aisle than I ever did as a dude. I sympathize with those that can't understand it because I don't understand it either. Maybe there is no 'man' or 'woman' beyond society's constructs? Maybe men and women have the capacity to be everything the other is?

As long as society insists that men and women are to be separated, then I would prefer to live my life on this side. Perhaps someday, they will make no distinction beyond those that can give birth and those that can't.

[I Am Paula]

Where's the like button Melissa?
Since we established many moons ago that we are women, then however you woke up feeling is how it feels to be a woman. Unless, of course, we're not women, but playing an elaborate role. I prefer not to think about that.

[Judith96a]

She told me she works hard to be taken seriously at work, so while she dresses professionally, down plays her nails and hair etc.

Erin, I don't know what age your daughter is, or what line of work she is in but... Please encourage her not to fall into the trap of downplaying her feminine appearance in order to be "taken seriously" (I don't think that it works anyway - certainly wouldn't with me). If her colleagues can't see past the perfect hair and nails then that's their problem not her's and they need to grow up. She is entitled to dress etc as 'feminine' as she wants within the bounds of practicality and any official dress code that there might be.

I think she was afraid I would soley be responsible for setting back the feminist movement 50 years!!

That might, in certain respects, be no bad thing. While it has done a lot of good, the feminism movement has also cheated women out of being themselves. (Dons asbestos suit!)

[Dianne S]

While it has done a lot of good, the feminism movement has also cheated women out of being themselves.

No. Feminism has been given a bad rap by a few extremists and a bunch of anti-feminists who want to malign it. Women today are far better off because of the feminist movement than they would otherwise have been.

[Lorileah]

It really isn't about "being a woman" is it.

I agree. It's about being who you are and living life your way. I was "attacked" the other day online who said "You will never be a woman, you're a fake, have babies...." She explained her genotype made her a woman (I disagree, she wasn't a woman, she was just a nasty person). But I am a woman in every aspect in my world. My legos, my building. I'll never be female. That is a genotype that I cannot change.

The word "woman" is a descriptor. It is how we communicate with others who need definitions. Thus when I describe myself I will say "I am a woman" I avoid saying I am female except having to explain male to female transitioning. Genes aside, after SRS I will for all intents and purposes be female in appearance. Legally described as female. It is a definition for purpose. Until someone perfects gene splicing. I will always have they "Y". I'll never have children (never wanted them anyway), never have menses (not high on my list of things to experience anyway). So? That doesn't make someone a woman. To the world, I am a woman. To me, I am me

[Kelley]

I know all to well what it means to be a man, and I know that is not me. As for being a woman I may never really know.

Kelley

[ClaraKay]

I'm only at about the midpoint in my transition to matching my body and mind to my innate sense of gender, so there are still remnants of maleness that are still with me, though they're disappearing quickly. Still, the other day when my son, who accepts my gender transition, referred to a trans woman as being really a 'guy', it took me by surprise. I reminded him somewhat sternly that she's a woman, just as I'm a woman. I could tell he was a bit embarrassed by his faux pas, but also a bit puzzled by my unqualified claim to have joined the ranks of womanhood, as if his next words were, "But, you're XY, Dad, nothing can change that!" OMG! Where did I go wrong? Haven't we talked about this before? Seems a little review of what determines a person's gender is in order. Society's binary gender paradigm is so entrenched in our culture, countering it is like trying to hold back the sea.

We take it as self-evident that gender is dictated by one's reproductive role, by one's chromosomes, and yet we now know that inheriting the Y chromosome is only the very first step in establishing the gender of a new human being. It's really not much more than a tag affixed to the developing embryo serving to guide subsequent processes that actually produce a male fetus from what would otherwise be female. Whether a child is born male or female depends on the way those complex processes play out. Am I male or female? Well, I was supposed to be male, assuming I have a Y chromosome, but during the first 12 weeks of gestation, things didn't work out according to plan. I ended up with parts of me being characteristically male (genitals) and other parts characteristically female (brain). And now that I'm taking steps to alter my physical body to be practically indistinguishable from an XX person's body with regard to hormone balance, secondary sex characteristics, and even the reproductive capacity of menopausal women, in what sense am I not a 'real' woman? In what sense am I not female? Oh yes, I forgot. That little Y chromosome containing 45 genes vs the 24,000 genes on my X chromosome, means I am male.

You know, I wouldn't mind being tagged 'male' if that word didn't imply a hundred other things that are not in the remotest sense who I am. That Y has become a scarlet letter I'm forced to wear like a convicted 17th century adulteress. For all intents and purposes, I am female. My only task now is to do what I have to so that the world 'sees' me as the female I am. "Female", like it says on my driver's license. Not male, not transgender, just female. And I shouldn't have to measure up to some standard of womanhood beyond what I personally feel is appropriate and comfortable for me to take my place in society.

What does it mean to be a woman? It means escaping the 'male' label once and for all. It means having a chance to be accepted as female by my peers. It means separating my past male role from my current and future female role. Time will tell if that is possible. In the mean time, don't call me 'male', and don't say I'm not a 'real woman'.

[Eringirl]

Erin, I don't know what age your daughter is, or what line of work she is in but... Please encourage her not to fall into the trap of downplaying her feminine appearance in order to be "taken seriously" (I don't think that it works anyway - certainly wouldn't with me). If her colleagues can't see past the perfect hair and nails then that's their problem not her's and they need to grow up. She is entitled to dress etc as 'feminine' as she wants within the bounds of practicality and any official dress code that there might be.

Hi Judith, thanks for the response! She is a lawyer, the firm has 6 floors in a 51 floor town down office tower with 300 lawyers in that particular office (they have offices around the world). It is very real for her and other women in the firm. She lives it every day. Having also been in that working environment, I know it is very much a factor unfortunately....that is the cold hard reality. And while all the women work hard to change the environment, it is a slow road. Change from the inside is never quick, but I must say it is much better than it used to be years ago. And yes, you are right, you can dress professionally and appropriately and still be feminine (though not my favourite term...), but I think you know what I am getting at. But never, ever, bitch to other colleagues that you just chipped or broke nail, or you are having a bad hair day, or have nails that are one inch long. etc, etc. They will just roll their eyes and walk away.

Sad, but true......

[Felicia Dee]

That IS a good question! I have been asked this a couple of times, and really I have NO idea what it means/is like to be a woman, beyond observation. If I'm honest, I really haven't a clue as to what it means/is like to be a man, either.

... And I've spend the majority of my life trying to figure it out!

What I DO know, is what it's like to be me. And "me," has always been a female person. Beyond that? Well... like anyone, I'll know when I get there.

xox

[Elisabeth]

Sorry to bump up this thread, but as a long time lurker I simply had to register to offer my thoughts.

In my experience, questions along the lines of, "What does it mean to be a woman?" are generally asked as a means of politely saying, "How the hell can you possibly imagine the struggles I've been through as a woman?" (and are often combined with the idea that we'll never be real women because we can never have children, we can't menstruate, etc.) I've never had anyone ask me that type of question unless she (and it's always a she) sees herself as some kind of Global Gatekeeper and Defender of Womankind, and it's always been asked in a manner that strongly suggests that the questioner is not much of a supporter of transgender rights. Tread carefully; it's often a trap.

The worst case I can remember was being asked this by a close family member after she pledged her support and assistance, then used my lengthy answer in which I opened up to her completely as a means to ridicule me to the rest of her family shortly thereafter and eventually turn them all against me.

What does it mean to be a woman? It means what it means to you. You're under no obligation to justify yourself to a ciswoman under any circumstances. If your daughter asked a thousand ciswomen the same question, she'd get a thousand different answers; she's expecting your answer to fit in with what she feels it means to be a woman. You don't have to measure up to her standards, nor convince her in any way that you're authentic.

That said, I always give (or always gave) family a long leash when it came to these kinds of intimate questions. But I just wanted to throw out a quick warning; it sounds as if her acceptance of you will depend on whether you fit her definition of what it means to be a woman, not whether you fit a definition of womanhood that you're comfortable with.

Ask her the same question; I think her own answer will reveal more about her true beliefs, and you'll be able to gauge whether or not she'll ever truly accept you by listening to how she describes being a woman.

[chrissyjessicadewet]

Two days ago we had this discussion at work. What evolved was an discussion about how women always instintctively know when the boyfriend is cheating. Or how a mother just knows when something is wrong with her kids. I dont want to say there is a clear defination of male and female. but how i understand it is that they where given the strength, and we where given emotions, with it comes the power to control it. With it comes intuition to know when other females are hurt, when they are having a rought day. When a friend is sick and we can just hug them to make them feel better.
Sure they will ask you this, have you considered that they dont know themselves?
Foremost we are not males becoming females. Period. Get that out of your heads. We are females. With extra cosmetic issues that need to be sorted out. I really hate the word transition. Like we didnt know we where girls. I knew since i saw my sister for the first time that i am her sister. so i have extra bits. Took me years to fight against that stereotype . Even did the most manly things to get away from me.
The reason.
i was protecting myself from feeling free. Ten million women on this planet cannot know what it is to be female for the sheer reason that we till exploring our levels of feeling daily. If you trust that your heart is female, your soul is that of a nurturer, one that is quite good at taking the passive role when a positive strong male presence is around, then yeah thats you girl.
No one knows, cause that is why she asked. If she did, she would not need to fish through your answer to make herself feel better.

[Eringirl]

Post Script to my conversation:

Thanks for the comments. She was not asking what I thought it meant to be a woman, but what I think it means for ME to be a woman. She is quite sure of herself and what it means to be her. And yes, of course I asked her. In fact she volunteered her thoughts even before I could finish asking the question.

It turns out, she wanted to know that I will still be the parent she has always had. She doesn't need or want two "moms". She goes to her mother with emotional issues, etc. But she comes to me for guidance on getting things done, see through the practicality of issues and strategizing. She goes to her mother to get "coddled", but comes to me to get a kick in the butt and move forward. She needs parents that can do both for her. She is afraid she will loose that tactical parent. He mother doesn't do any of that and constantly tells me to take it easy on her. My daughter on the other hand very much wants me to be the one that gets her back on track and in her words "kick me in the butt, tell me to stop wallowing and get on with it".

She was afraid that I would only be soft and nurturing and loose the tough love side that she needs. She also does not want me to become a ditz. I work with very bright women...scary smart, who are impeccably dressed, makeup, gorgeous hair and nails etc....and they are taken VERY seriously when they walk into a room. So she gets that. "Just don't trade your brain in".

So, I think we have it worked out. I told her to be careful what you ask for, I can certainly be a hard ass and still be woman. She was okay with that. In the end, she still needs some of the qualities for her "dad".....and I get that.

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts.

[Cindy J Angel]

i think you hit it on the head for me. For me i also do not went to embarrass my sisters. i will never know what a gg thinks but i don't know what other man think ether.
i don't went to set on the side lines. i went to be in the front making change.

Post Script to my conversation:

Thanks for the comments. She was not asking what I thought it meant to be a woman, but what I think it means for ME to be a woman. She is quite sure of herself and what it means to be her. And yes, of course I asked her. In fact she volunteered her thoughts even before I could finish asking the question.

It turns out, she wanted to know that I will still be the parent she has always had. She doesn't need or want two "moms". She goes to her mother with emotional issues, etc. But she comes to me for guidance on getting things done, see through the practicality of issues and strategizing. She goes to her mother to get "coddled", but comes to me to get a kick in the butt and move forward. She needs parents that can do both for her. She is afraid she will loose that tactical parent. He mother doesn't do any of that and constantly tells me to take it easy on her. My daughter on the other hand very much wants me to be the one that gets her back on track and in her words "kick me in the butt, tell me to stop wallowing and get on with it".

She was afraid that I would only be soft and nurturing and loose the tough love side that she needs. She also does not want me to become a ditz. I work with very bright women...scary smart, who are impeccably dressed, makeup, gorgeous hair and nails etc....and they are taken VERY seriously when they walk into a room. So she gets that. "Just don't trade your brain in".

So, I think we have it worked out. I told her to be careful what you ask for, I can certainly be a hard ass and still be woman. She was okay with that. In the end, she still needs some of the qualities for her "dad".....and I get that.

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts.

[Nicole Erin]

Being a woman means you better have dinner on the table when your S.O. gets home.

[Kathryn Martin]

Being a woman means you better have dinner on the table when your S.O. gets home.

I like this response not because it is exhaustive but because it comes very close to the social reality of what women's lives are like. Women are biologically different from men (see sexual dimorphism) and have socially been relegated to a class of human that still gets paid 19% less than men, are disproportionately the subject of violence and get talked over a lot.