Crossdressers: Is a part of what we seek attention, as much as affirmation?

[Katey888]

... for all your responses. Of course I anticipated variety - I know we're not talking firm rules here, I just think this is an interesting perspective on how and why some of us are prepared to flout society's expectation on how we dress. So I just wanted to clarify my misuse of one word...

About getting attention. I didn't mean this to be in either a notorious or exaggerated way, so if I can quote anna who picked up on my obviously too obscure meaning:

So I don't think this is about seeking more attention -- to whatever extent it is about seeking attention at all, it is about seeking the correct attention.

This is what I meant. By just being out and interacting, you are getting 'normal' attention from those you interact with. If you didn't seek interaction, then the affirmation that many of you speak of would be harder to come by, although I do also believe, as Lexi intimated, that we do self-affirm too. Bridget, thank you for picking up on the connection here also:

Women, on the other hand, still have the primary responsibility to attract attention through their appearance. Now we can debate if that's the way things should be, but as it stands that is the message pushed on to women every day. We as cross dressers tend to buy in to that image regardless of our desire to just blend in or get noticed by others.

So, to answer your question, the answer is a little bit of both. You can't get that affirmation unless someone gives you a little attention. Overall, I'd say that is a reasonable, even healthy, motivation for doing what we do. We wouldn't be human if we didn't want to be appreciated by others.

Bingo! And as you say, nothing wrong with this - I'm certainly not judging any one section of our community over any other.

This comment also struck a chord for me:

The point is what you're talking about, the peacock display and resulting buzz from positive feedback, would never normally happen to us these days- we'd be becoming invisible, it's like a new lease of life.

Further confirmation of our vanity and vulnerability I'd say...shock horror we're human.

We are human - but admitting a vulnerability or insecurity (or perceived weakness in those) remains a tough thing to do. Jennie - thank you also for being open about this:

I do believe that there are some crossdressers (like myself and apparently you) who in addition to having the compulsion to dress also have a deep desire to be desired. I tell myself that in our society the stereotype is that women are desired, men do the desiring. If we have a strong inner female component, it kind of makes sense that we'd want to be desired as we perceive women to be just as much as we want to wear those ankle-strap heels. (It's probably worth noting that our beliefs about women being desired and how great it would be if we were desired like that are probably delusional. I have had a few cases where I found being the object of someone's desire wasn't all that great.) I too have sometimes stood transfixed before the mirror and felt great pleasure starting at my female self and feeling deep feelings of desire from my male self. It's a very confusing/exhilarating feeling.

Obviously we're not alone in that feeling - and nor should it be perceived as a 'wrong' or bad feeling either. The need to be wanted is a very fundamental, human desire - why should it be any surprise (or wrong) that we exhibit that desire when we express our femme side? To me, it speaks to a little repression on our male aspects that are perhaps aching to scream out: "Someone desire me! Somebody please find me attractive and at least find a little something to compliment me on..." Maybe we Brits suffer more than you frontier folk in this way... or perhaps we just understate everything way too much..?

I look forward to more comments but I had to finish on this one:

Those here who know me and what I do know that I love to go to the club dancing en femme, usually all night. I do this because I love doing it but I'd be naive if I would say that I didn't know others were watching me out there on center dance floor as sometimes I'm the only one there and have the entire floor to myself. This is when I get to experiment and innovate new dance moves, etc.I'd venture to say my main purpose other than having fun dancing is to encourage others to do the same thing, which happens by providing the example. The attention comes naturally but I tend to utilize it as a vehicle of my creativity and that gives me a lot of joy.

Kate - I'm with you there in spirit on that dance floor - there is something quite liberating and fulfilling about dancing girly when NOT presenting male - something that has plagued me for decades!

Thanks all.

Katey x

[Alice Torn]

Katey, You are onto a subject i wrote many articles about years ago, and a song, too. Teresa, i see similar on this. But, having been in a group for many years, and singles groups, too, until 2010, I see a lot of unwanted loner men, starved for attention. My own father , too. Funny, in nature, it is the males who are most colorful, attractive, while in the human realm, it is the females, just the opposite. I think I get dressed up gorgeously, is partly to make up for my "down in the ashes male self". Being a low income man, with no savings, i know i could not be taken seriously by any American woman. Maybe one from a third world nation, but here, it takes offering security, financial wellness. I have noticed attractive and semi attractive women , have MANY friends, and wide social networks, whereas poorer, lonely men, are starved for love, and attention. Women are "group think" social creatures, who would go mad, if they had to experience the bleak, stark, lonely world, of many men. I think i really do use dressing as one of the ways i cope with my stark male world, where i seldom recieve compliments, other than for my old car I drive. Like Thoreau said, "The masses of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

[Kate T]

I think it is an extremely valid argument Katey. Frankly I also think it does not necessarily just apply to CD, but also to TG, TS AND GG.

When is Affirmation attention and attention affirmation?? curious question. Irrespective ANYONE, of any gender, does not wish to go out in public and be just ignored. So at some fundamental level everyone wants some level of attention, it is more a matter of how much is necessary to satisfy the individuals needs.

[Alexa Lynne]

I'm really not sure if we seek the attention, or if it's who we are. Personally, myself, I have been wondering what it would be like to be a female since I was about 18 or 19. I'm not sure why it took me 12 years to finally "come out". I'm not gay or anything, and have nothing against people who are. I love women! I am not quite sure if i will ever have the reconstructive surgery to become a full female, but if not, I would love someday to be able to dress out in public. My question is "Women can wear guys clothes, why can't guys wear womens clothes without being judged"?

[jamielynn_ca]

Hi Katey,

Love this thread, and your avatar shot.

For me, the draw to getting out and about is about experiencing life and seeing it through a new lens. The world is so much more interesting, colorful, and strangely more friendly and open when experienced as a woman, even if only through appearance and mindset.

Look at how men interact with one another on the street. The classic head nod as you walk by, maybe some recap of the score or highlights of the game from last night. Talk about cars, gadgets, conquests and things mostly object focused. Men go to the restroom alone, quietly do their thing looking at the floor - don't DARE make eye contact at the urinal for heavens sake! Women pass these men on the street and generally stare away.

Going out as a woman lets me interact in the female landscape, where women smile at one another passing on the street, talk about life and personal things, and generally care about relationships instead of objects. I can compliment a woman without either of us feeling like I'm hitting on her. I can ask a friend how they're doing, show honest compassion to both men and women without feeling weird. Even if it's not a real or genuine "GG" experience, it's at least a little closer than I could ever get as a man. And all the while I get to do this feeling great about how I look and feel in a sexy skirt and heels.

So, it seems along with experiencing life sometimes comes attention, sometimes affirmation, but these are the by-products of or just part of human interaction. Maybe I can get that more in guy mode, and I'm working on that myself, but the range of life experiences seems broader en femme. Not sure I made my point well, so I'll go back to where I started. The world seems so much more colorful when experienced through the feminine lens.

[Jason+]

What is truly awesome about being out dressed is when people just treat me as a fellow human and not an oddity. To me that is being UN-noticed.

It turns out that Maslow cat Katey mentioned may be on to something! Self-actualization and the occasional lack of pitchforks and torches does feel nice. Compliments are always nice to hear and even better are the conversations or interactions with others that wouldn't have changed much if any had I been in pants.

[Sandy Clifton]

I suppose it's an adolescent attitude, but I do crave a degree of attention
when I'm dressed in public. At the risk of mistaking objectification for
empowerment, I must say that (in contrast to my everyday under-the-radar
male existence) I enjoy the reversal of presenting as an attractive female,
being the one who (in theory, anyway) is noticed and perhaps coveted.

[Lily Catherine]

To me, it speaks to a little repression on our male aspects that are perhaps aching to scream out: "Someone desire me! Somebody please find me attractive and at least find a little something to compliment me on..." Maybe we Brits suffer more than you frontier folk in this way... or perhaps we just understate everything way too much..?

Guilty as charged, and it's definitely no understatement especially when put bluntly. I'm of the opinion that it's more affirmation that attention (and the latter is a prerequisite for the former). I reckon being noticed as "that pretty girl" when out dressed consists of 2 components –*being noticed as 'pretty' being that of attention, and as 'a girl' being affirmation. There's a slight paradox, at least for those aiming to 'pass' as much as possible, in that we probably intend to blend in as women beyond reasonable doubt and yet wish to stand out as attractive while so doing.

[Claire Cook]

For me, the draw to getting out and about is about experiencing life and seeing it through a new lens. The world is so much more interesting, colorful, and strangely more friendly and open when experienced as a woman, even if only through appearance and mindset.

Look at how men interact with one another on the street. The classic head nod as you walk by, maybe some recap of the score or highlights of the game from last night. Talk about cars, gadgets, conquests and things mostly object focused. Men go to the restroom alone, quietly do their thing looking at the floor - don't DARE make eye contact at the urinal for heavens sake! Women pass these men on the street and generally stare away.

Going out as a woman lets me interact in the female landscape, where women smile at one another passing on the street, talk about life and personal things, and generally care about relationships instead of objects. I can compliment a woman without either of us feeling like I'm hitting on her. I can ask a friend how they're doing, show honest compassion to both men and women without feeling weird. Even if it's not a real or genuine "GG" experience, it's at least a little closer than I could ever get as a man.

The world seems so much more colorful when experienced through the feminine lens.

Jamielynn,

You have so beautifully expressed what I was trying to say and couldn't. This really is what I get most out of my CD'ing. I wonder how many others feel the same way?

Thanks and hugs,

Claire

[Wandacdmn]

Yes getting attention is a big drive for me. I see a woman that is sexually attractive and I desperately want to do that too, to make a man's heart thump and get him to wish he had me.

[TrishaTX]

Katey,

I think I agree with the general premise. For me it might be even more of an issue. I grew up with little parenting, my father an alcoholic and my mom very cold. I started thinking about crossdressing very early and it eventually turned into a sex addiction. Over the years , that addiction became a fierce and only with the help of my wife and of course therapy, I did solve for my addiction after allot of pain. Why bring it up...much of that addiction was related to attention required by me.
Crossdressing may be an extension of it as well. I agree with your point, I love to dress and when I used to go out, the attention was fabulous. It felt good to feel sexy and have others think so too. Everyone wants to be liked...I am no different. I do not think it is the only reason I dress, but I always check myself in the mirror when I do and it feels good to look good.Great post ...you certainly got me thinking...