Outed at last.

[Lily Catherine]

It's been a genuine relief, and I'm glad I didn't have the conversation any later.

Alas aleck, it finally happened: my parents outed me when they found part of my wig's bag hanging out of the cupboard. My mother apparently noticed it when she was packing the entire house –*she is extremely thorough about this and would leave no stone unturned. The wig, in her presence, eventually flew into the garbage chute: my parents insisted on me throwing it away myself as a form of closure, and bore witness to it that I did not hide it elsewhere. (In other words, an obviously symbolic purge.)

The most fundamental outcome of the conversation was actually unsurprising –*I would always be their son regardless; the dressing, according to my father, 'was likely' a mere phase of growing up while I was still 'experimenting' with my sex and gender. What was actually surprising was the fact that they were extremely open about this, contrary to my belief that they were DADT after they silenced me with 'Don't ever -'. They, however, suggested (on impulse?) seeing a psychiatrist (not a therapist – a shrink!) if the need be.

Above all, they were most afraid of the shame I would bring if the fact that I cross-dress came to light, especially when I, their only child, was brought up to be seen as their only hope. ("Don't ruin your life, ______. You've already got a place in the university, and are on your way to a bright future. I don't want it to collapse because of this." The one statement that made my heart drop a little.) If anything, they definitely wish to see me grow out entirely of any gender non-conforming or transgender tendencies. I'm trying to love myself unconditionally, both roses and thorns... I see this part of my identity as a rose to me, but they (implicitly want me to) see it as a thorn.

I don't wish to deny this part of me, and repressing it would be even worse. I decided after that long conversation that the best I can do to move on is accept the fact that I will always and unavoidably have such tendencies, and that while I am a cross-dresser, I am certainly not beholden to it. But at the end of the day, my parents have always seen and will almost certainly continue to see me as their boy for life, for better or for worse. Similarly, I'm 'bro'/'man' to my colleagues and friends, no matter now nice 'sis' or 'girl' might ever have sounded.

I will be having another long conversation about this topic tomorrow but I'm not even sure where to begin. I asked about their feelings; they felt shocked above all, and perhaps worried judging by their tone of voice. Thoughts, anyone?

[mykell]

be honest, be respectful....honor theyre concerns while you reside in the family home....after you graduate you will have a bright future and still enjoy crossdressing....

[Claire Cook]

Hi Lilian.

Thanks for sharing your touching story. I think you have found a path that I hope will work for you. Difficult as it may be to repress your dressing urges, as Mikell said you have the rest of your life ahead of you, and for now I think you have to respect your parents. It's funny, but as much as I cross-dress and am out and about, my feminine soul tells me to be more sympathetic to others, and if I think that my dressing will offend someone, I'm happy going the male route. In a way, the best of both worlds.

Hugs and all best wishes,

Claire

[Marcelle]

Hi Lilian,

Sorry to hear about your parent's discovery but at least it is out in the open and the one bright light is they did not run screaming for the hills and a small crack in the door seems to have opened. I guess my question for you is . . . "Does curtailing your dressing habits seem like something you can do with little emotional impact?" More specifically, can you put it away while you attend university and still function or will the desire to present become so overwhelming that it will begin to bleed out into your life at school (e.g., trouble concentrating, depression, anger, resentment, hostility).

If this is something you can do once in awhile, pack it away and get on with life then I don't see an issue with just riding out your parent's wishes until you are on your own. However, if the need to dress and present as a woman is integral to your identity, then repressing it for 3 - 4 years while you complete your studies may not be a wise course of action. Now I am not sure what the culture of Singapore is like WRT being TG and this may feed into your ability to dress or not, but if it is something you really need to do and don't well just saying . . . your studies are most likely going to suffer. I would definitely take your parents up on their offer to see a mental health professional but let them know it needs to be someone who is familiar with gender identity issues to be of any help. This person will be able to help you navigate and continue to move forward on whatever path you decide to take.

Hugs

Isha

[Kate Simmons]

Whatever happens Hon, you will always be my Sister as well as my friend. Take care.

[Pat]

The most fundamental outcome of the conversation was actually unsurprising –*I would always be their son regardless; the dressing, according to my father, 'was likely' a mere phase of growing up while I was still 'experimenting' with my sex and gender.

You might point out that if it's a phase, then you should just let it play out. Suppressing it might make it more important/permanent. That would be my reaction if it was a phase.

But the big message seems to be that they are afraid FOR you, not OF you. That's a good thing and that's what parents everywhere do -- they worry. It might be they're going through a phase. If you were to take up motorcycling, for example, they might worry that you'll never have the chance to grow into adulthood. They might insist you get rid of the bike and you would probably acquiesce. But if riding is part of you, it will be back. If crossdressing is part of you it will be back.

Part of growing up is disentangling yourself from your parents' lives and finding you own -- hopefully you find your own in such a way that they're still included, but you are your own person. As such, you're going to have to deal with your crossdressing which many of us believe is baked-in and life-long. At some point you'll have to deal with it but it doesn't have to be now. Unless you're living in a country where the University can expel you for crossdressing, put it on hold for a while. You can use the time to save up for a new wig.

Peace to you and your family.

[Jenniferathome]

I think seeing any kind of a counselor is a great idea. In fact, bring your parents along! The result will be learning for your parents and and open communication about a difficult topic.

[Katey888]

I'd say give it a little time Lilian and keep talking to them as and when they're prepared to talk and ask questions. As Jennie has said, it sounds like they're concerned for you and are offering their support and love, even though that might appear to be favouring a condition that you might 'grow out of this phase' - but just keep being you and keep talking.

Your posts have often been memorable to me because of the insight and maturity that you have shown beyond your years - I suspect those values will be useful to you now as your family come to terms with this part of you and (hopefully) an understanding that this doesn't diminish or invalidate who you are, but is just a facet of you that they have not overtly been aware of. I say overtly, because I'm sure this part of our nature is fully embedded in our overall personalities and we don't suddenly change if it's revealed.

Sounds to me that you're approaching this in the right manner and with a levelheadedness that can only be commended - don't stop your unconditional love of these aspects of you, nor your own self-acceptance - just Keep Calm & Carry On...

Katey x

[Jaylyn]

You must be a a younger cross dressser, if you are living with your parents and just now looking at getting into a university or being able to stay in one. My humble opinion is put the CD on hold, respect your parents and then after you are a legal adult and if you still have the urge to dress then do what you need to be satisfied. I think parents try to do what is best as they see it from their perspective. They are usually older and wiser and only you can decide to get the education, make the parents proud, move out to a great job and then if this urge hits go for it with a gusto.

[Badwolf]

My mom caught me at least once and raised all hell. When she was told recently she really couldn't even remember how harsh she had been, and apologized. I can't guarantee the same will happen to you but I became very patient with my dressing.

Definitely go to a therapist if it's at least to discuss how you feel to make sure you can handle what it would take to continue without your parents knowledge. If not at least as an ear to sound off on when you keep telling your parents about it.

[OCCarly]

You are your parents' only child, and up until now they thought they raised a "normal" heterosexual son who would attend university, earn a degree, find a really good career, marry the "right" girl, and give them some grandchildren to while away their time with. So, since they bore you and raised you, they see you as obligated to them to do all these things for them just as they want. And they see the crossdressing as a threat to everything they worked for.

I also get the feeling that your parents want you to see a psychiatrist as a way to "cure" you of the need or desire to crossdress.

Only you can determine how strong your need to be feminine is, and that is the trick for all of us here -- balancing our inner need for femininity against our obligations to the world outside.

This is why you need to see a therapist. Spending your adult life stifling gender conflict in order to make other people happy can have disastrous consequences of its own. Good luck and remember you have lots of friends here.

[Lily Catherine]

Dear all,

First and foremost, thank you for your kind words and responses. I'm heartened that I'm interacting with individuals who have been in similar shoes (heels?!) before.

At the very least, I have decided in the best interests of my family to withhold any physical desire to cross-dress for its own sake during the course of my studies (probably barring campus Drag Night where it's unavoidable, and even then I'll have to ask them if it ever does happen. Their words.). The best I can do, however, is to let go first and continue to be true in spirit; if the urge is strong enough it will come back anyway for me to deal with. After all, I don't see the urge going away after me having fought it for long enough. If anything, I find myself feeling that detaching myself emotionally for now would be imperative.

At the end of the day, I want (not need) to honour my parents' concerns, as they are the closest people to even 'my own person'; family values and filial piety are extremely important in Singaporean society. It isn't worth it, however, to rush for a balance either; at this point I would rather dismount the proverbial bicycle and walk slowly first.

My parents have asked me to confide in prayer, something which I have done for years. Much of the conversation invoked God (and how we are 'fearfully and wonderfully made') due to the religious upbringing of the entire family, but I stop short here as this forum doesn't warrant an explicitly religious discussion. I actually turned to the 'fearfully and wonderfully made' clause to help me accept this part of me, however.