Update and "wondering"

[pamela7]

So, in the beginning ...

Six-months into living my late-onset full-CD life, I thought I'd settled really well into a "man in a dress" mode, been happy as this for a couple of months, the pink fog urges gone.

But now urges to go further are here and coming on in waves stronger and stronger. I'm looking at facial hair removal but laser is poor on dark skin and grey/fair hairs, I'm wondering about partial transition. At this point, I'm feeling more woman, and tearful as I let myself face this.

I've seen enough posts on "inevitability" and waves of pinkness alternating to know I'm not alone. Glad to have company here, been away a couple of weeks offgrid.

thanks for being, folks

xxx Pamela

[CynthiaD]

No need to worry. Just take each step when it becomes right for you. Don't worry about "the whole package." That's not important. What's important is what's right for you now.

[Marcelle]

Hi Pamela,

Just take things one day at a time and see where your feelings lead. While it is comforting to have a final destination in place (e.g., full transition), it is a long path to navigate before you get there and things can change quite rapidly from day to day as you are finding out. Ride the wave and just enjoy being, you'll get where you need to get to at some point.

Hugs

Isha

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hope the vacation went well Pammie, not too many mozzie bites.

You don't sound particularly happy about these new feelings...? They could be a phase, you don't have to act on them.

Hugs to you both, Nikki

[Teresa]

Pamela,
As a late CDer I'm more confused about your feelings !
As I'm than convinced I was born wired that way if I have feelings to go further it wouldn't surprise me !
In your case perhaps you may have been born like it but had a long latency period and now it's finally surfaced ! I can't recall if you mentioned having counselling but if you haven't perhaps you should to try and make some sense of your stronger feelings !

[Suzie Petersen]

Pamela,

I have commented on your "Fast Pace" before and this new post did not surprise me one bit.

For some, dealing with gender issues is a life long battle or struggle or something, but for you, it just seems to be something you will go through in a few months. I have no idea where you are heading, and I do wonder, but I am pretty sure where ever you are going, you will get there real soon! I just hope your destination will be enough for you!

We are different, you and I, in the whole presentation part of this. You have expressed that you are perfectly fine with the Man in a Dress presentation, and I would be horrified to go outside like that. My dressing and presentation desires have always been about One or the Other. If dressed, I wanted to look completely female, not half-n-half.
But now you use words like "Go further" and "Partial Transition" and I have no idea what you actually mean by that? Will that be no makeup, no wig/hair but get breast implants? Man in a dress, with boobs? I have no idea. Or are you now leaning towards actually presenting as a female to the world?

I have not seen any resent posts from your wife, WelshGirl. Her posts are usually very open and thoughtful and I would really like to read her point of view on these new thoughts/feelings of yours.

As for facial hair removal, then you are right, laser is not for everybody, dark skin and light hair is not going to make you a good candidate for laser. Only real option is electrolysis in that case. Most people who do laser have to have some electro as well. It is a long process, so I am sorry to disappoint you, but you cannot have that done and over-with in 20 minutes or less

I wish you well, where ever you are going!

Hugs
Suzie

[Pat]

I've seen enough posts on "inevitability" and waves of pinkness alternating to know I'm not alone.

Don't let "inevitability" freak you out. It doesn't mean you're dragged into something against your will. It means that, like water in a vessel, you'll find your own level. You'll only do these things if you find they are what you need. As you allow yourself each step, a next step may suggest itself but it's you walking the path, not the path dragging you down it.

But yes, it's wonderful knowing there are others like yourself. And it's comforting to see that you're not headed toward destruction, you're just finding the you-shaped place in the world.

Hugs.

[Melissa Rose]

The transition pathway is not an all or nothing proposition. You can stop anywhere on the journey and it does not make you less worthy or authentic. My best friend is undergoing hair removal, but unless her life circumstances significantly change, her journey will probably stop there. Some go as far as hormones, but elect not to have any surgery. And so on. While it may feel like a roller coaster, you are not committed to finish the entire ride once it starts and you can get off whenever you like. I understand the fear of starting and not being able to stop. Water finds it own level and so will you. In the end, it is your decision. That does not mean all of the decisions are easy ones, but you own them.

[Robin414]

OMG I am soooo in the same boat sis!

[pamela7]

Thankyou gurls for your replies so far, I'll explain some more.

Welshgirl says she supports me wherever this goes - yes, I am the lucky one - tho she's clear she's not lesbian, so some destinations won't work. I'm sure she will login and look soon, we've had other focus for a while. We talk as and when anything emerges for me or her.

Nikki: I'm not unhappy, I can't explain the emotions, if anything I'm probably afraid I'll discover I'm female within and then go 100%. The overwhelming sadness is I feel that suppressed/dissociated female self, some might say this is my anima integrating, in which case I'll rebalance as whole/bother/neither one nor the other.

Suzie: I wish I knew what partially meant. It might mean an orchie, it might mean growing breasts, it might mean facial hair removal, or combinations or just dressing 100%, made-up except for manual labouring. My hair is the longest since about age 18 now, with some dye and a cut perhaps i can do without the wig in time. I so loathe shaving. I've contemplated tucking seriously for the first time - before it never appealed. And i'm looking in mirror more re figure, and its been over a month since i did my nails and i so am ready to have them bright red for a while.

I think the key thing presently is pacing welshgirl's fear over me being out dressed on our road, in local presence. She's ok with jeggings/fem-T/boots, but not ok with dresses "out there". I feel like i'm not being true to myself by being out in manclothes. There's nothing a counsellor can ask me that I can't ask myself.

So, in summary, focus on earning some money to have electro+boob, ponder private orchie+hormones. All in the day of a life of. Meanwhile, status quo.

PS Robin: any more detail on your specific boat?

PPS Teresa: Latent, yes, I've explored why and made interesting discoveries related to strong sibling rivalry with my sister, which pushed me away from feminine association when young, though it's more complex than that, as my best times were girl parties, I can now see, with hindsight. I also discovered teenage I like my mum's tops and she gave me two. They were andro really but i searched for men's tops like them for 40 years before realising I was looking in the wrong section of the shop - doh!

PPPS we just agreed to buy two new wardrobes - is this excessive?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm curious that Welshgirl can take your gender-wanderings in her stride, but not what the neighbours might think. It seems paradoxical for such an intelligent, broad/open-minded person to be fazed by something so apparently trivial compared to the seismic shifts she's embraced within her marriage. I take it the neighbours are a lot more docile than the species PaulaQ has to contend with when visiting her former marital home... so it would be interesting to hear her define more closely what exactly it is that alarms her about these gentle folks' opinions.

You're very dismissive of any potential benefits that might be gained from counselling. It reminds me of Teresa's attitude before she went, ie 'I know exactly what conclusions they'll make about me, and what could I learn that I don't already know?'

I'm not so sure it isn't simply avoidance on some level, but what do I know??

You certainly make for interesting reading Pamela dear.

xxN

[Katey888]

Hi Pamela,

Like Suzie, I've followed your rapid assimilation of all things femme, although I know you have been underdressing for many years it seems it wasn't until relatively recently that something more overt revealed itself. I'm sure you do look back at how things change and I was tempted to see where you've come from just in the past few weeks, so...

8th June just before your recent hols (did you miss us greatly...? ):

Personally I have settled nicely into "man in a dress" lifestyle, which i accept is a tiny minority here (one or two others among thousands), and I don't feel a pull for more and more.

28th May in response to my querying your coming out position to your family:

Katey & Suzie: yes, appearing dressed, explaining "no, not TG, but CD" in essence.

An equally portentous thought from 5th May:

i agree, i felt initially like the consensus here was that the slide to TS was inevitable, but gradually i met more and more folk for whom that is not true. I reckon most here are "boring, straight CD" to quote one or two, and it's difficult to know what's going to happen if/once the "pink fog" happens.

Right up to the last couple of months you seem to have remained quite ambivalent about this being more for you than 'just' CDing - what's changed?

I think you've also indicated yourself that your personality has something of an "all or nothing" approach to life - and perhaps the pink fog is just allowing more of an excursion into this possibility... I don't get the feeling (from your posts) that you've been suppressing strong gender dysphoria the way that others obviously have for decades, but merely that this was as much a lifestyle choice that allowed the feminine aspect of you to blossom. I'd hasten to add there's nothing wrong with either course, other than it must be right for the individual.

While a counsellor can only ask the questions you might think you can ask yourself, I believe that experienced counsellors will also have the insight and experience from many similar conversations to draw on that you are unlikely to also have and as you are contemplating actions so radical, I'd strongly suggest you would benefit from sharing some of these feelings with someone who could provide an objective viewpoint.

Take it slow Pamela - maybe take a trip around the TS forum here as I think the members have very forthright discussions about what transition really constitutes...

Katey x

[pamela7]

thanks Nikki,

i'm not dismissive of the counselling, i just know all the questions, and I have a number of people I could call on for a session or few if I felt it would add something to what i can ask myself. Sure i've been mostly unconsciously avoiding possible conclusions :-).

That will be up to her to reply, there are reasons I understand, and good ones relating to reputation and business (i.e. income) and early-life programming. There's nothing i'm worried about re the neighbours but fear is in the mind and deserve for me not to ride roughshod.

Thanks Katey, you make most valid points. I felt positively attacked and unwelcome when I forayed into the TS section of the forum, and as such I don't feel safe in that area. I will take appropriate steps, not least cos here in the UK we have to live a fair old while as the other gender before anything surgical is going to happen. It's not lifestyle, that I do know, I wish it were that simple. As I'm having to let things emerge from the deep unconscious all I can do is wait and face the emotions as they arise.

I did miss you all, initially not a problem, I thought I'd settled, but then whammy, and so it is.

As to "what's changed"? Katey, hmmn, it just erupted. A few weeks of gardening and not getting the girl on much, then a week of camping in trackies and keep-warm stuff, and the gurl just had to come out and express herself. Perhaps if i do a total indulgence the urge will sate again? Perhaps this indicates a lot more, but only time can tell.



xxx

[Badwolf]

Pamela I also have to say I don't see a long standing Dysphoria in the way you describe your development of these feelings.

It's not impossible for you to have it really express itself only recently but it sounds like it's something you should take in sort of small steps. You are never too old to transition but transitioning, and reversing it are both kind of hard on your system.

In terms of transitioning you are already one step ahead of many, you are as I understand it, living "full time". It's a great time to explore and make sure you know what the world's reaction will be before you do anything more permanent.

[Pat]

i'm not dismissive of the counselling, i just know all the questions,

Actually, that does sound rather dismissive. I'd offer that you know the questions you know. You know the questions you think should be asked. But maybe you don't know all of the questions that an experienced counsellor might ask. Any time you get a second head involved things change because there's a new perspective. They come from a place outside the space you've mapped out completely in your head.

[LeslieSD]

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

Recently I found myself looking deeper on the slope (not slipping, but just looking, at least I hope I am), and found that I was not so sure about a few things that I thought I was sure before. It is a scary feeling, because you don't know where it will end. I can totally feel for you.

Keep strong.

[Suzanne F]

Pamela
Sorry that you feel unsafe in TS section. Yes the women there can be tough on other women. However, there are things to learn by engaging in that section. Also, if you want to be in the world as a trans woman to any degree you will face tough situations. Facing tough women in the TS section might prepare you for these obstacles.
Good luck,
Suzanne

[docrobbysherry]

One comment abbout enevitibility. After joining this site I waited 2 years for my "Fem side", to appear. Just like waiting for the other shoe to drop, they said. Just a matter of time. That was 5 years ago. I ain't got one!

It took me 12 years before I figured out I didn't want to BE a woman, just look.like one!

Take it slow, Pam. Make sure what u want then move ahead.

[Sandie70]

I'm like docrobbysherry (should I call you Doc, Robby or Sherry? Oh, it's so confusing - lol), and at the moment I'm quite happy with occasionally being a man wanting to dress and act like a woman. Not to say that things won't change - they certainly have over the years. And I can envision "occasionally" becoming more as time goes on. In fact, I like the analogy of progress coming in waves... but, it seems, always with periods of calm.

Years ago I was gung-ho to go full blast into transitioning... HRT, hair removal, breast implants and more - then the waters calmed and I coasted back and forth for years. Abandoning and then coming back to crossdressing. Then the waves came again and I started again, but this time slower - taking time to get used to what I was doing at each step and enjoying where I was for the moment.

Now, I've reached a point where I've caught another wave, and I love it. I'm moving forward again - even thinking about coming out completely to everyone and finally accepting how happy what I'm doing makes me. If it makes me happy, why be secretive about it?

Anyway, right now I'm just enjoying where I'm at and won't worry about where this all will take me. If I stay where I'm at, I'll be happy. If I eventually catch another, more powerful wave and move along even deeper into my female personae, I'll be happy.

As Doris Day sang: "Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see. Que sera, sera."

I'm not going to worry so much about the future anymore that I forget to enjoy the present.

[Jorja]

Pamela,
I know over there across the pond you folks do it a bit different than we do over here. You may not be ready for the NHS route as yet but I feel that you might need some help in figuring this all out with someone qualified to help. Can you make a private appointment with a therapist to help you sort this out?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Pam, Some times you have to be careful what you wish for.

[pamela7]

thank you all, again,

Badwolf, you may be right, you may also not, given insight into my latent history.

Jennie-cd, I'm a pro in that world, if not experienced in this life niche in it, I do have people who can help, who are aware, experienced, competent, if I choose. Jorja, yes. After 15 years working in the field, you know what, I prefer talking with real folks, with real common/uncommon sense and experience of related life trajectories. The link Katey posted here was an excellent cold shower.

Suzanne, you're right, and I'd expect a fair amount of grumpiness from folk who don't appreciate the realising of their dreams failing to live up to expectations.

Addressing the hair on my chinny-chin-chin will do as an aspiration for the present/next year.

xxx

[kimdl93]

Nothing is inevitable. But what you are experiencing is familiar. After spending decades denying or hiding, it is a wonderful feeling to live more honestly. And, do you agree, that as you have become more open about yourself, you've also grown more open to the possibilities of life?

[pamela7]

Nothing is inevitable. But what you are experiencing is familiar. After spending decades denying or hiding, it is a wonderful feeling to live more honestly. And, do you agree, that as you have become more open about yourself, you've also grown more open to the possibilities of life?

Hi Kim,
Mine has been an unusual path. One way to describe it is that a few weeks ago I returned to "the real world", having been "off with the fairies" for 8 years 8 months and 8 days. CD-ing has proven integral to my return. Different possibbilies are here now for sure, and i'm open to things I'd not do in that time, yes, for magical currency is not in dollars.

I've been open and honest with myself and anyone I talk to anyway, being rather autistic in some ways i miss the grace of lying (mostly!), so what was hidden was hidden deep in the unconscious. The process is more letting it out than to do with honesty.

I feel a wonderful feeling dressed. Is it enough? Maybe. Do i wish to explore more - yes, and finally forms are likely to make the menu. There's no rush, I may live life fast-paced, but for me hours/days can be years for others. Does anyone remember being a little kid at school and noticing minutes felt forever? That still is my experience.

xxx

PS, for nervous onlookers - we're all different, don't follow me, don't be inspired to rush-in, I live at a fast pace and still take my time, nothing drastic planned as yet. :-)