Count your blessings

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I just pm'ed a sister who was so kind to extend a invitation to a GNO in Knoxville. In responding to her & explaining my situation, the dominant thought that constantly envelopes me is how fortunate my fellow sisters are to have understanding wives... at any level of tolerance. Being a spouse to a cd is something they never bargained for at the altar or later in the marriage. I have the greatest respect & envy of those gg's who can continue in the marriage knowing that their husband is a cd. Those of you with tolerant wives need to bask in your blessings.
Regretfully, my wife remains adamant that she will not stay married to a man-girl. The reality of a divorce after decades of marriage , children, great memories, asset accumulation , etc., scares the hell out of this 60 year old worn cd veteran. That is life & the consequences I accepted by making the reveal. Therefore, for the foreseeable future, I live vicariously through you with the never ending hope that a change is in my destiny. Please, please do not take this thread as a lament. Read this thread &, if you are in a tolerant ( or better ) reality with your spouse, take pause to reflect upon your blessings. With that said, I wish you all much peace. Forever a cd, mel

[Teresa]

Melissa,
I was hoping the situation would get easier as I got older but not through a lack of trying my situation remains so similar to yours ! I try and think positive should it happen and tell myself sixtyish isn't old should the worse happen ! I still desperately want to sit down and talk openly to my wife about the whole situation and get the bottom line truth without it ending up as a shouting match and ridiculous ultimatums !
If we calmly can arrive at the truth of what we both can live and not live with and what we both want with retirement coming up , we have so much to live for together if we can get over the CDing hurdle !
I'm afraid DADT is not in either of our interests long term all it means is we putting it off and evading the issue !
Melissa , you've always wished me peace I'd like to return the quote and hope you can find it !

[Jenniferathome]

Yes indeed, Mel. I continue to wish for a better result for you. It's not over until it's over.... Take care,

[jigna]

Handle this situation in a diplomatic manner.
Over a period of time, situation ill improve.
My personal experience.

[Katey888]

Mel - it's generous of you to accept how fortunate others are when compared with your own circumstances. I do hope time will go some way to healing your situation and allow some sort of accommodation for your joint future...

Never say never... I'm certain if it weren't for some humans to embrace apparently groundless, hopeless, optimism at various times throughout history, we would have all died out millennia ago. Keep hoping!

Katey x

[ErikaS]

I wish you all the luck and bets in what life has to offer. I am also in a very similar situation my wife and I talk but really not talk its like the big issue she does not understand. I am hopeful she is somewhat trying to understand. I just hope time will tell and counseling. No one should have to go through the pain you have as Teresa said Peace be with you.

Hug
Erika

[jeanieinabottle]

Dear Melissa,
I'm 65 and I knew of that other female side of me that had existed for as long as I can remember back to early childhood, probably around 3 or 4. But back then, to admit something like that would have labeled me, for the time it occured in, a freak. I lived with those society imposed "demons" for so long and tried to fight against and suppress what I now see as natural and who I am. I was unsure of my female existence I tried telling my wife about that other side of me first over 25 years ago when I could no longer stand the guilt. It didn't go well then. In fact, it was nearly the ultimate disaster. For a long time after that I lived in self hated, denial, anger, more guilt, disgust of myself to the point of near self destruction because of the pain. Needless to say I was miserable and didn't want to live behind a door or in hiding which I, unfortunately resorted to which added to the pain. But I never stopped loving my wife. And each time I thought about re-approaching the issue, I became more miserable. Then I realized something. Why should I expect my wife, who I would love to the end of the world and beyond, to accept me as my miserable and questioning self. I realized that I had to fully accept and love myself first before she could love me. (Still today when I have those rare pangs of questioning myself, I listen to a song called "Love Me First" by Trailor Choir and, thru my tears it puts me back on track. Listen to it, maybe together.)
But that is not the whole of the story. I realized that if it took me so long to understand myself and learn to love, appreciate and respect myself (in the end nearly 50 years), why should I have expected my wife to be instantly supportive and tolerant. Why would I expect something more of her that I did not exemplify in myself. Why should she not question what I questioned so long. Why should I expect her to have the answers that I didn't have myself. Maybe some believe that if one loves another, they will accept nearly anything. I think that might be an awful lot to ask or expect of anyone. Put yourself in their shoes. Those we love didn't ask for those things we sometimes drop all of a sudden in their lap. But now about 8 years ago, my wife saw a better me, a fuller me, a softer me, a more sensitive and caring me, one who loved her with all my heart and like magic, she understood. We've talked a lot and she knows who I am and has actually come to like that part of me. She has since borrowed dresses and when she doesn't have any panty hose without a run, she knows who to ask. I'm now the one who dyes her roots when they need it and highlights her hair. We watch "Say Yes to the Dress" together (even though we don't always agree on the gown) and share many of the things which I previously only expected of her. We now talk about not just the male vs. female things and chores that need to be done around the house, but talk about everything. Even gossip!!!! Life is good. We have become closer than we have ever been before. There is nothing that I wouldn't discuss with her and her with me. It didn't look that way 20 years ago. What changed? I think it started with a change in me and her knowing that I love her so much, she will always be a part of my life and that I would wait for her.
What I'm saying is while I can't guarantee time will be the solution, it sometimes is the best option. Yes my life is now a blessing, with some limits of course. I would not have expected life as it is now to be like this. So my advise, for whatever it is worth, continue to love her, continue to support her, love yourself and maybe your life will someday be like mine. But it probably won't happen overnight.
My best,
Dr. J

[Heidi Stevens]

Hello my friend, good to hear from you! Mel it is a shame that you can't make the trip up to Rocky Top, but you are holding on well for someone in your position! I have stirred the hornets nest up here by asking to go to the Erie Sisters Gala this fall in conversation last night. So far it's been nothing but a chance for my wife to air her laundry about my dressing. Even though she knows that no one in Erie will know who I am, she is still cool to the idea.
Have you ever thought of spending a couple of days down at Phoebe Cross in Atlanta? All you would need is a reason to go to Atlanta, then use Phoebe's stuff. I know this is not above board, but like most of us, you could use some Mel time.
And may peace find you always!

[pamela7]

thankyou Melissa, I do count my blessings, and wish your dreams to come true
xxx Pamela

[kimdl93]

I'm sorry you find this situation and so grateful to have a supportive spouse.