Lack of CDing- how does it affect you?

[Tina_gm]

Over the last year, I have done very little CDing. Life just has gotten in the way of a lot of it. No less desire.... likely more. What it has done for me, I think is cause a lot of confusion as to where I really stand in all of this. I have felt myself over the last several months becoming more and more aligned with feminine, femininity, perhaps being or wishing I was female. Right now I just do not know if I am coming to a different spot, or if it is just the lack of dressing that could be causing this. So my question is, when there is a long period of time of little or no CDing, how does it affect you?

[Teresa]

Gendermutt,
I have never experienced log breaks, but to me a long break would count in days, any longer than that and I would find some way of achieving it because I know I couldn't go that long without it ! Looking at it like that it does sound like a pressure release valve !

[Sarah Beth]

I just spent nearly a year without being to able to dress much including months at a time. It's hard for me to put into words how I felt. I know at times I would feel anxious about. Other times I just pushed it out of mind but he desire was always there. I did notice that that anytime there was anything sad like in a movie or a news report and I would get choked up which is not really like me. I don't know if that was because of changes from not being able to dress or just the stress of what all was going on in my life.

I know I couldn't have held out much longer without being able to spend some time dressed. For the last three weeks now I've been able to dress every evening any way I want and I have been sleeping in my nightgowns again which is great because for whatever reason I seem to sleep better when wearing one.

[charlenemichaels]

Very important question here.
Personally i had a pause of nearly 6-7 years of not being dressed.
The thoughts and drive were there just not the will at that time.

Still wanted to and i recall thinking looking at a GG well dressed in a suit "gosh i wish i had that outfit' etc.

Have been thru long stretch of years that i was not able to go out.

Early in my journey, the obsession of actually had me transitioning to female actually consumed me.
(lotsa depression work thru with that one!)

Currently i am planning a set of outings to keep me sane. Where i work, there are chances to 'work overnight'
and they gets me the chance for Charlene to shine!

I underdress /bottom dress in jeans nearly everyday usually in hose and flats. It does wonders for me.

Fridays, i go out to lunch and wear my heels out and shop in a foodstore to scare off er -- i mean impress the locals.

Do it whenever you can !! Full dress is great but compromises work for me.

You need to rock it where you can !!

~Char

[Natasha V]

I get anxiety and moody and my mind is absorbed into femininity. I just have to give in and dress enjoy even a few hours and all is calm and peace for me.

[pamela7]

Gendermutt, yes it drives the urge MORE for me, absence makes this heart fonder for CD!
I'm facing a week away working with likely NO opportunity for CD, right now how to cope and strategies to be andro are top priority!

[Melody Phillips]

I went through long non-dressing spells. I found myself getting depressed and angry a lot. My wife was the one who noticed the most. She saw how dressing changed me and made me more happy.

[Tina_gm]

So far, in a way kinda what I expected, but for me, time will tell. I will say that prior to this period of time, for the 1st year and a half, when I opened up to my wife and started actively CDing, I had 1-2 hrs a day, 3 or 4 days a week, with occasional times of several hours or a whole day. Most of that now has not happened for various reasons. Although.... I could have tried harder or accepted less time, say a half hour, and I am now wondering if perhaps I should have and should be doing so. Today, I am getting the opportunity, and while it will likely take somewhat of a revisit to my prior ways of dressing to know for sure, I can't say that today I feel any different overall, just a whole lot better that I am dressed and letting "her" out.

It has been causing a bit of an identity issue for me. It seemed to me with my prior time of dressing, I didn't feel so much of an identity issue going on. (and yes, many recent discussions with my wife about all this.... ) and now a bit of a marriage issue as well.

So, as of the last several months, I feel more on the feminine side than the masculine side, whereas before, at least at the time I felt more of a equal balance. YET, strangely, my wife has said to me that it appeared to her that my mannerisms and overall seemed to be more feminine then than now. So holy confusion batman, is my head just spun around backwards on this. I show more, feel less, and vice versa???? Maybe I was fooling myself back then, or maybe just that ability to release it just does the common CDer (if there was such a thing lol) a whole lot of good.

[Teresa]

Gendermutt,
I feel more than ever that I was born with female traits, they are part of me so some of my thought patterns are on the feminine side with different criteria , I know for most of my adult married life I have tried to bury them in work and living the male life expected of me ! It really shouldn't be any surprise to us that those traits are always going to come through, they need time and attention possibly as much if not more than our male side, no matter how much or little our partners accept those feelings it's not going to stop them happening, nothing can ! This is the part I'm finding hard to put over, my CDing feelings were always there and always will be no matter who I live with nothing is going to change that !

[chris63]

The toxic trifecta returns- depression, anxiety and anger.

[Zoe B]

I end up getting anxious and withdrawn, usually end up feeling guilty. Therefore I try to avoid not having oportunities to dress if I can.

[Rachelakld]

Makes me grumpy, has become the nick name my wife uses for me if I don't go out weekly.

[Tristessa]

Depression, anxiety, anger, and emotional withdrawal for me. And hypoactive sex drive.

[ErikaS]

I try to wear some articles of women clothing each day kinda androgynous and now I'm wearing a bra 3 days a week so it keeps me even and in touch

Erika

[sometimes_miss]

I've stopped crossdressing several times in my life, sometimes for many years. It all depends on what else is going on in my life. If everything else is great, I have managed to feel almost completely normal; no mental or physical problems at all. But it's when turmoil strikes, that my blood pressure goes up, headaches whether or not the blood pressure is normal, stomachaches, irritability, forgetfulness, I become short tempered, have difficulty concentrating, and tear up at the slightest emotionally charged situation regarding anything sad or romantic. I stopped going to weddings for a while because I'd wind up crying and just feel miserable knowing that my chances of ever finding a mate are so dismal. Thankfully that's mostly in the past, as I've found a way to combat the loneliness, but it's expensive so I don't know what's going to happen when I start to run out of money. But then again, I'm reaching the age where there are plenty more single women than men, so that's in my favor.

[aprilgirl]

Excellent question, Gendermutt. Thanks for posing.

While I am blessed to have a supportive wife, my dressing still tends to be sporadic. I've gone months without indulging, and it's got to the point, unless we have plans to go out, that I simply defer. Like you, the desire to do so is likely more, but life does tend to get in the way. For me, it's frustrating in finding a balance between being the man my wife fell in love with and being Kim. I believe I suffer from depression, which has gone untreated, and I'm not sure what the exact cause is, yet I venture its a combination of things.

[Sarah-RT]

I've done it more this year, and in new and improved ways than I have ever done but for the days between dressing I think about it all the time, coming here can often reduce the thoughts to a manageable level.

Sarah x

[kimdl93]

Hmmmm, I had to think about this. My lulls are generally limited to a few days, whether work or family related. During the day, when I'm busy, my mind is mostly on other things. Then, I can deal with it. I will feel some discomfort when I'm alone and undistracted by life's goings on.

[Carmen]

Good topic gendermutt. I've been engrossed in a mid-life career change going on 6 months now.
Consequently I've had virtually no time to myself and all the wonderful fulfillment that accompanies my girl time.
I was too busy with all this work. Thankfully things are easing up.
The odd aspect during this episode, was that for the first time ever I had no deep internal desire to CD. This really got my attention.

I realize that my DADT state is a contributing factor here. And over these months I have had many opportunities to spend 2-3 days fulltime, but it wasn't in me.
I'm sure that it was a hormonal low as I wanted even less contact with my SO. I reflect back and sometimes feel that CD is not for me.
Maybe it was the Caitlyn media circus.
Meantime at the back of the proverbial cranial chamber, is a faded post-it note that simply says..'I'll be back, Carmen'.
She's always right.

It affects me...I'm moody, but not angry. I feel disappointed.
And we hit those hills and valleys all the time.

[Ally 2112]

I have in the past gone for long peroids of time without dressing .Repressing it (as i call it ) also made me moody and withdrawn no matter how hard i tried not to be .It was like a steam kettle building pressure .When i was finaly able to do it sometimes i felt worse if i was not in the right mood .Other times it solved everthing for that moment .Now i can fortunatly do when i feel like it and the moment is right .For me it has made a big difference

[StephanieH]

Pretty much plain old depression here.

[Tonya Rose]

The toxic trifecta returns- depression, anxiety and anger.

Yea What Chris Said! LOL! Oh so true!!

[Lori Kurtz]

After a failed marriage, for which discovery of my CDing was the precipitating factor, I went pretty deeply into the pink fog for a while. It was huge fun, with no worries about getting caught, because "getting caught" had already happened, and done its damage. But then I asked myself, is this all I really want in my life--getting my sexual satisfaction alone, and having no partner in life? I didn't think it likely that I would find a woman who would be comfortable with my dressing up for sexual pleasure, so I decided to try making a choice: no CDing, in order to foster a good relationship. For me, it worked. CDing remained a big part of my fantasy life, but I was able to resist the urge to act upon those urges, and I had a great relationship--sexually and otherwise--with my second wife, until her death several years ago. Now I'm free to make choices again. I'm not looking for a new relationship; I have plenty of friends and activities. I'm too old to be able to dress up again as the intensely sexy young and middle-aged woman that I enjoyed becoming back when I was actively dressing. I do some online cybersex, and I sometimes get some vicarious pleasure from the experiences of the women on this site. And for me, this site helps me to come to terms with, and accept, some of the non-standard ways in which I have enjoyed my sexuality since I was a child playing around with my mother's and my aunt's underthings. But as for active crossdressing, those days are gone for me. My fantasy life is still active and gives me some powerful excitement, which I am okay with satisfying on my own, alone. While I have some regrets about some things in my life, as I think any self-aware and honest person my age does, I feel good about most of what my life has been and what it will be in my remaining years.

[Caden Lane]

Do not get me wrong, I'd simply love to be Caden day in day out, to always experience life and all of its nuances as her. Life seemingly has more flavor and color as this aspect of me. But it's an unrealistic dream for me. Well, because of my recent rough experience with stress on the cruise, the really rough outing with another CD, and my worry about my dependency on being Caden in order to cope with my stress and PTSD; I began to subconsciously suppress Caden and most thoughts concerning her. I did not become aware of it until I planned an outing with my GG friend Rachel. The most minor and trivial of inconveniences popped up, and I told Rachel I could not make it. Completely out of character for me. It was then I knew something was amiss. I've never mised a social opportunity as Caden since I started going out while dressed. However my mind and body were not done with me yet.

I entered into what I refer to as a PTSD cycle. For me, a PTSD cycle consists of a period of time, mostly on average a week or two, where I suffer my extreme PTSD nightmares. The nightmares consist of events and sensory perceptions of events which I took part in and observed as a police officer and investigator. However this time, my nightmares persisted, in fact, they were magnified. They persisted for almost a two month period. This caused me a great deal of angst and anxiety, added stress and lack of sleep. It strained my relationships.

I spoke at length with my psychologist, and she told me to start writing my dreams down, document them and then speak about them. But she also told me I needed to stop blaming myself for my perceived failures, but also not to blame myself for the things I could not stop or help. This felt better to me, but there was a side effect I wasn't exactly prepared for. My Doctor also told me I needed to stop suppressing Caden. It's not fair to punish "her" for what some other crossdressers did, or the failure to have a great time as Caden while on the cruise with Miss Girlfriend. But she advised me that I need to be able to vent and relax in a way that worked for me; being Caden allows me to do that. But it has recently created it's own problem; I've begun to question my Gender role, I've begun to question if perhaps I've been a very well adjusted Transsexual all along.

Anyhow, I began to feel angry, a LOT, after talking to my Doctor. I was angry at the people who had put me in the situations which created my triggers. I was angry at the selfish people who had created those situations. I was angry at the system which had essentially threw me to the wolves to fend for myself, and NEVER offered a psyche debrief. Sometimes I was angry at specific people or things, other times I was simply just angry. It stressed and strained my relationship with Miss Girlfriend and even put me to the point where I messaged my Psychologist and told her I almost felt like I was at a crisis point. A crisis point very similar to when I was diagnosed with PTSD.

So I began wearing Caden things again. Then I began sleeping as Caden, completely, something I had never done. And each new step helped lessen my anxiety and stress, and even reduced my nightmares potency. Then I decided I needed to fully dress and go out. So I made plans with Rachel and Miss Girlfriend for the three of us to go out to a rooftop bar for cocktails and then dinner. We met, and had a wonderful evening, spent a vast amount of time talking, and all agreed we should do it again soon. That night, my stress and anxiety upon waking was all but gone, and my nightmares had very little power over me. But they were still present. I also had a significant amount of Caden related dreams, dreams where I was living as Caden, working as Caden. Unfortunately, one night I failed to wear anything to bed as Caden, and things flared back up. Needless to say, my visits with my Psychologist recently have been getting very interesting.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Hey GM, I really understand where you are coming from in this thread. Ever since my urge to dress reemerged five months ago without any real means of satisfying it, I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I question my gender balance all the time. I sometimes wonder if the intense feminine feelings are simply a result of my brain seeking satisfaction by any means necessary. Other times I think my feminine side is a natural part of me and I am a true gender fluid. At least you have found a moment to dress and experience some release. I hope you are able to find your balance again.

Bridget