Spoke too soon.

[I Am Paula]

I know I've spoken about how my 19 year marriage has survived my transition. In fact, many of you have 'congrats'ed' me on it.
I feel I spoke too soon. I think it is about to implode. My wife finally brought out into the open all her thoughts on our marriage, and I have to say, at least from her perspective, it's a goner. Also, her family has suggested I move away, in their words 'Anytime...now'. I don't have to listen to them, but it's certainly a concern.
For the last few years we have had a very platonic relationship. We live in the same home, but that's about it. I always thought she at least enjoyed my company, since we go out, and shop together, go for dinner, movies, etc.
Now come the people I know in the RW. But you have a boyfriend! This is true, and as far as I know, she doesn't know (although she has met him, and finds him charming), not because it's a big secret, but because she really does not need to know, given our situation.
I think it's just a giant set of cosmic circumstances that have come together, and it is just time to end it. The marriage has run it's course, and although my transition is a big factor, it was over anyway.
No real question here, just kinda needed to rant.
Another one bites the dust.

[Suzanne F]

Paula
I hope you have grace to go through this. Don't feel alone. Right now my marriage is going well but I know how fragile that is. We will be with you.
Suzanne

[Janice Ashton]

Hi Paula,

There may appear a trend here as I had a similar situation with my ex wife and a partner who I tried to make a go of it with when I came out to them.
Women (wives, partners,) when confronted with the situation of being told of a persons gender situation or the difficulties they face tend to initially accept the situation may be it begrudgingly at first. Then they get as much information from you as possible about who you are and how far you wish to go with your declaration of gender change. Then they appear to assess their position as a wife or partner then in a lot of cases (not all) fire you out of the door.

Strange because my ex wife divorced me for being Transgender (it was sited on my divorce papers) and at the time she said it was an insult to her femininity and she couldn't cope with me in her life. 'Yet' now that we have been apart for many years she has become one of my biggest supporters and now says she can see where I am and the feelings I have and as she is no longer involved with me she can accept my situation a lot better... Strange but maybe not so strange as I can see better her feelings and situation at the time we divorced... Time 'Eh' seems to have a rather big involvement in most things.

Well all I can say is good luck Paula and I hope all works out for you and the family in the future

[Bria]

Divorce is never fun even if the relationship has been over for a while. I have the utmost regard for those that can make it works at least for a while. You know that you tried to make it work.

I'll remember you and your family in my prayers,

Hugs, Bria

[Dianne S]

Good luck, Paula. It's always sad when a long-term relationship ends.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Oh Paula ... Am I allowed a holy crap. This saddens me although I do understand the situation/predicament. Sure wish I was local to come and give you a hug of support and sympathy.

Your friend... Jennifer

[Veron1ca]

Sorry to hear. Even though it may be a ending to a situation.. at least it's not a bad ending when you realize it's run it's course. It also means there will be a hello somewhere and a start to a new situation..

Think of all the baggage you've let go off and fly free like a bird.

[steftoday]

Sorry to hear of this Paula. I hope things turn out as well as they can for you.

[JC]

you have a boyfriend so not your so's dedicated mate

she does not need to know about him due to XXXXX

platonic relationship but enjoy each other's company

and you winder about the possibility pf divorse???????????

[Leah Lynn]

Paula, I'm sending a virtual hug! Even an amicable parting is bittersweet. Time for a new chapter in "The Life Of Paula".

Big Hug,

Leah

[I Am Paula]

JC, I didn't say that anything came as a surprise. Our marriage ended well before my transition.

[Karen62]

Paula, been there, lived that. Remember to celebrate what you have in life, not forever mourn what you've lost. At the very least, you're living your true life now. There's a core of life fulfillment there that can't be denied. I know that as well. I hope you and your spouse can sort through the rubble of a broken relationship and have a friendship in the end. My ex and I have managed to get there, although it took quite a bit of time for that to finally develop. I came out to her this year, long after we divorced (after our 17-year marriage failed in 2005), and for my birthday this past mid-June, she gave me a sterling silver necklace with a sterling silver letter "k" as a pendant. It was her way of celebrating my final realization of my truth, and it made me cry in front of her over her amazing thoughtfulness. I wear it all the time now. I hope you and your spouse eventually get there as well. Grieve over the moment, of course, but remember what you have left in your life and know things will get better. I wish you all the best, my dear.

Karen

[PaulaQ]

I'm so sorry Paula. I know from firsthand experience how much this hurts.

The odds of most of our marriages surviving transition are really low.

I suspect you'll find, over time, that you are better off, anyway, although I know that is no comfort now.

[Eringirl]

Wow....so sorry Paula! I was rooting for ya'll...But I get it. This is my life as well. When it finally came down to it, my ex told me that she had started to check out of the marriage 5 years before we separated, so it was already a done deal in her mind. I only hope that it will be amicable and that cooler minds prevail. But yes, it is sad, for sure. It still must be hard on you.

Thinking of you....

Erin

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Actually i'm not sorry at all..

As you say your marraige was over before the transition..i'm not sure what was being accomplished for either one of you.

You have a boyfriend..your wife deserves her own relationship just like you do.

I'm glad for both of you that the inevitable has happened and you can both move on

...if you are close i hope you can both stay close

[Krisi]

Paula, that's a shame, but it could be for the best. Both of you need someone to love and I suspect both of you need to be able to express love physically. You can both move on and hopefully find happiness.

[PretzelGirl]

I am sorry that you feel pain from the finality of it. It may have been inevitable and the right thing to do, but ending a relationship of 19 years under most circumstances will come with a high level of pain and reflection. I hope that the two of you will be able to move along paths that make you happy.

[STACY B]

This whole thing is Baffling to me,, Over before Transition ? Boy Friends ? Hell what is everyone talking about ? The loss of a Friend ? You can still be friends and not live together . Seems to me like someone was holding on for nothing? Sound like just not wanting to give up and divorce and confirm it was over for sure.

That Boy Friend thing got me ,,, That would not fly with me ,, We would have to go our separate ways before all that Craziness would take place, Hell this is all Crazy to me ,,lol,,, Sorry for the loss of your Wife,,Friend ,,, ?

[cheryl reeves]

what baffles me is when transitioning takes place one wants to stay married,i know some who made it for a few yrs. and they were baffled when divorce hit them. wake up your wife married a guy not a woman. then the boyfriend thing on the side without wife knowing,thats adultery. im happy your wife is letting you go so you can both be free to start new lives..

[Nigella]

Cheryl, when you wear our shoes and walk in our steps, maybe, just maybe, you may begin to understand that marriage is not just about man and a woman, hell even in your neck of the woods the SCOTUS have just said as much.

[rachael.davis]

I won't comment on the gender transition, but if you have a boyfriend who is meeting your emotional, and physical needs you have already withdrawn from the platonic marriage you're in.

[Krisi]

A lot of people would disagree but I'm not going to argue that here.

What we do have is a woman who married a man and that man is now turning into a woman. I'll bet that possibility wasn't discussed before the marriage and in this case, the woman puts great importance on her mate being a man. That's actually pretty normal outside of transsexual circles.

All you have to do is turn this around and ask yourself how you would likely take it if your wife had her breasts removed, cut her hair short and started taking male hormones so she could grow a beard. The person who was once your lovely wife is now a dude and you're looking him in the face every morning when you wake up.

Unless you're living alone on an island, transition is a really complicated process. It's far more than just pills and surgery.

BTW: That "boyfriend" thing, that's called "cheating" or perhaps "adultery". If the marriage wasn't already over, that pretty well seals it.

[Suzanne F]

I can't believe what I am reading. Yes this many times leads to divorce. But not always and even if it does it is not always so harsh. So far my wife and I are making it work. I see the miracle of it every day. Even if it fails in the end it has been a beautiful process. Finally, a person who really knows who I am stayed with me to be with the real me. Even if for a week I would take that over a lie for fifty years. I would think women here would not be so black and white and dismissive. We are worth discomfort if we are loving and kind and trying to do the next right thing. I hope that I would do the same for my wife.
Suzanne

[arbon]

good grief she does not need to be lectured on this! She is and has been fully in touch with the reality of the situation.

Many of us go through the same thing. Me and my wife have struggled with how to define our relationship for years but are mostly still married for financial reasons and to raise our daughter. We are still very good friends but it does get very complicated and there are still lots of feelings for both of us as we go through what was lost between us.

[Jennifer-GWN]

A sense of duty and following through with our commitments is a strong trait for many of us. I wish I were still with my wife as well to some degree. I do think we've been very good at carving out a relationship that works and remain close dispite being parted. On some level I'm guessing my official status change will actually bring us closer together.

Paula; you need to find the place that works best for you everyone's situation is different and often complex (goes with the territory). I know you'll be strong and you have us to draw strength from as you chart a path forward.

We're here for you girlfriend.

Cheers... Jennifer