What an intense day I had today. If I had had my druthers, I'd have waited for several more months to make the big reveal. The way I see it, you choose your friends, but not your family, nor not really your co-workers. I have had enormous great fortune this year in coming out to friends, but not so much with family (especially with male members of the family). That is the big reason why I was so hesitant about coming out at work. I really wanted to be as ready as possible, whatever the heck that means.
I have been slammed busy at work these past few weeks (which explains, but not excuses, my absence here for most of June), and I have a big industry conference coming up in mid-July in Seattle. When my industry colleagues saw me at last year's conference, I was 70 lbs. heavier, had a full beard, short hair, and only one earring (left lobe). Now I've lost 11 inches around my waist, am clean shaven (and thanks to laser and electro, largely all of my beard shadow is permanently gone, with only white facial hair stubble remaining), have had 1 haircut since last November (so my hair is rather long, and surprisingly curly now!), and got a new right lobe earring stud for my 53rd birthday in mid-June. HRT is also having its effects on me, but loose fitting shirts (of which I have many due to the weight loss) mostly hides that so far, but there are subtle facial appearance changes that I see. Plus, in the last 2 weeks, I also had 2 women at work come up to me and privately inquire, "So why really did you shave off your beard?" (I gave evasive answers, but clearly people are noticing the changes and suspicions are growing). I suspect friends at the conference will begin asking questions due to the dramatic changes, and I might be inclined to answer a few of them honestly.
That worried me, as the industry grapevine is not that big, and my team at work was not yet informed about my true intent and goals. So out of respect for them all, today ended up becoming my Big Reveal day. And damn, was it emotionally hard on me -- surprisingly so. I had 3 intensely emotional meeting conversations today. The first was with my vendor support team, and at least one of them cried at my story (at which I immediately reciprocated). The second meeting was with my manager and HR reps (there at my calling). I told them my story, and I got through it well enough, but then out of the blue, I emotionally collapsed like a house of cards. I crashed, weeping out loud -- not out of fear or sadness, but in profound relief that my manager took it so well (he even put his hand on my shoulder to help comfort me, which actually made me cry harder for a moment), but I was able to tell them that I just needed a moment to get through this, and I did. Then immediately after all that meeting, the HR team accompanied me down to the VP's office (who funds my salary as a special position as well my critical project budget). I was largely cried out by then, but again, I got nothing but support (to my surprise and profound gratitude). But at the end, I was emotionally toasted, and when I left work, I realized I had shut down my emotions in that 2nd meeting prematurely, and I needed one more release. I got home had had another good 15-minute cry, again out of relief and emotional release. What an intense day this was, but what a way to head into my own personal Declaration of Independence holiday.
So I am now fully out, to my friends, my immediate family, and now at work (at least to senior management; the remaining coworkers will learn about all this next week). But more to the point -- I am free. I am liberated, no longer hiding in the shadows or living a duplicitous life at work, being a stealth woman cross-dressing in men's clothes because it's what people expect. Freedom has its costs, but so does living the lie. I am ready for the freedom now. The lying never really worked -- at least for me. We'll see how the new me is accepted. I won't be dressing full-time just as yet, but my secret is out, I am out, and I can start living my real life little by little more each day. How sweet that sounds to me right now.
I suspect I'll sleep well tonight. I am simply emotionally exhausted. One last thing -- I really missed all of you.
Karen