When you are out dressed and you get "read", what do you do?

[maya1love]

Hi everyone:

I was curious as to how other crossdressers deal with this. Most of us don't pass 100% of the time. So, what is your reaction when you feel that someone is staring at you or whispering to a friend? Do you look the other way and keep moving? Do you stare back? Just curious to hear your thoughts!

[Caden Lane]

I tend to ignore them. If they were not taught better manners than that, then nothing I say will mean anything to them. Shaming them may only lead to bigger problems anyhow.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[Jenniferathome]

?..Most of us don't pass 100% of the time. ...

First, I have to comment that it is more likely that ALL of us are read 100% of the time when any scrutiny is made. We shouldn't kid ourselves. It's more than a face, makeup, etc. it's a million cues.

Therefore, because I assume that every person that sees me knows that I am not a natural woman, i don't worry. I make eye contact. I smile. I say hello. I act like a person. I have never noticed anyone pointing or snickering, but if that happens, that's on them, not on me. If that were to happen right next to me and I noticed, I'd say hello and smile for sure.

[maya1love]

Thank you both -- the truth is that no one ever points and snickers at me (to date) or makes rude comments. But, it's just the feeling of being watched or stared at a bit too closely. It's unnerving. My instinct is to keep walking and ignore, but sometimes I wonder if I should do something else. People are very nice otherwise.

[Persephone]

First, I have to comment that it is more likely that ALL of us are read 100% of the time when any scrutiny is made. We shouldn't kid ourselves. It's more than a face, makeup, etc. it's a million cues.

Start with one of the first cues and then just keep working, Jennifer. If your avatar is you then you are a pretty woman and should do just fine.

Therefore, because I assume that every person that sees me knows that I am not a natural woman

I take the exact opposite road. I start from the assumption that I am a woman. Big deal if someone thinks "That woman has a bit of a deep voice," or whatever, what is important is that they start their thought with "that woman."

Before deciding that they are reading you, you have to take being looked at as normal -- you're in "girl world" now. We sometimes forget that women get looked at all of the time. Men check out women, women check out other women. The two teens whispering may be saying "That top looks awful on her," just as easily as they may be saying "Look at the guy in the dress." Or they may be saying "I love her shoes!"

We come from male anonimity where, in our drab clothing, we are seldom aware of being looked at, of being judged, into a world where being "on stage," being looked at, is a fact of life.

What to do when you notice someone noticing you? If it is a guy, just pretend you didn't notice him looking (unless, of course, you are interested in attracting him), and for Heaven's sake, do not nod! If it is a woman and your eyes make contact you hold the gaze for just a moment and smile. Not a great big grin type smile, just a little female "I'm O.K., you're O.K. smile. It works like a charm!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Jenniferathome]

Persephone, My avatar is, indeed me, and I am happy with how I present. However, I believe and my wife thinks so as well, that I am more likely perceived to be a transsexual than a cross dresser. I do not think that anyone looking at me thinks I am a natural woman. I am a dude, after all. By knowing who I am, and being a regular person" I think a certain amount of confidence exudes. People react positively to confidence.

[Jean 103]

I don’t do anything. Simply smile if they wish to talk I’ll talk with them. Unlike most I’m not obsessed with passing. I go out and mingle with everyday people all the time. I have made lots of friends that know and accept me as Jean. Attitude and experience, when you are comfortable with who you are, I think people pick up on that. You still have to be safe as not everybody is accepting.
Love Jean

[Lilblondecutie1407]

I have only been out once and it was while I was camping in the back country, even though no one was around but my best friend it was still invigorating and stressful till I got comfortable.

I'm Definitely working on my confidence for sure.

[pamela7]

as its normal, be normal, do nothing other than normal.
Great point by Persephone, women are looked at all the time, guess we just got to get used to it.

My spin, normally being the man in a dress is that therefore I do challenge the rules, and probably it marks me as separate from both the men and the women, or kind of both tribes, a-tribal.

[Dianne S]

Well, I'm a transwoman, not a crossdresser, but the issue of being read does come up for me.

I've literally never had anyone whisper, stare or laugh at me. Not even once... at least not that I've ever noticed.

I have been read. But the people who have read me have generally been store clerks or servers that I've interacted with, and they've always been very friendly and nice about the whole thing. A couple of times, people have even complimented me on my presentation and congratulated me for being true to myself.

When I do get read, I don't deny it or get embarrassed or anything like that. I just keep acting as I was before.

[Jodi]

I agree with Jennifer. I am told by gg's and other cd's that I present well when out and about. I also believe that none of us "pass" as a genetic female. So, I don't worry about it. I just play the best part I can. I have been stared at, noted the whisper, and an occasional gesture. I respond by making eye contact and smiling. I have gotten a variety of responses. Some walk over to start a conversation. Some get a look of fear in their eyes and some have actually turned and run away.

Jodi

[Nadine Spirit]

... I am more likely perceived to be a transsexual than a cross dresser. I do not think that anyone looking at me thinks I am a natural woman. I am a dude, after all. By knowing who I am, and being a regular person" I think a certain amount of confidence exudes. People react positively to confidence.

Totally agree.

As to the op - I smile, a lot! I notice people looking and think it is kind of funny. So I just go about my business and do my thing.

It hasn't always been that way though. Initially I was quite paranoid about other people and was quite worried about the whole "passing thing," but after I stopped worrying about that I began to work on just relaxing and allowing myself to just be me. I think that what is funny about it now is that if I do pass at all, ever, it is because I am not worried if I pass or not. People do react positively to confidence.

[Pat]

Start with one of the first cues and then just keep working,

Sadly, the first cue I have to start with is football player shoulders and all the remnants of having gone through male puberty. I'll never pass for a woman. Which is OK by me because I am, in fact, not a woman. So I try to pass for a transgender male which is easier because that's what I am. In that case, the options become less confusing -- I don't have to prevent people from misapprehending what they're seeing, I just have to be kind about the fact that I often have them at a disadvantage, since I'm rather a rare bird. So I smile. Sometimes I wink. And I try to act in a way that reflects well upon others like me.

[Jenniferathome]

.... . I think that what is funny about it now is that if I do pass at all, ever, it is because I am not worried if I pass or not.

Word! That's the ultimate irony and true.

[JessicaJHall]

I've never gone out, and I look pretty conservative most of the time, and when I see TGs or CDs on the street I can't help but gawk a bit, because I am taken by them! I want to see what they are wearing and how they are presenting and I'm just so fascinated, and before I can tear my gaze away, I often see them looking back like "great, another bigot! What are you looking at?" I will smile back, and try to diffuse the situation, and make them see I think they are pretty. But hey girls, remember, not all the looks you get are what you think they are! Some of us are wishing we could be you, or knew you..

[Brenda Locke]

For myself, after asking a number of Sa's if on first impression they saw a woman or man and being told by one and all - woman.
I don't really worry about it anymore. I do however get a bit of a chuckle from the expression change on their faces once I speak.
Having said that I haven't had any negative experiences to date- knock on wood.
My reaction if someone stares - smile and carry on doing whatever I was doing to begin with.
Why should how I present myself effect other's that don't even know me?
Be who you are! and enjoy yourself.

Hugs Brenda

[Marcelle]

Hi Maya,

I do not pass whatsoever. Oh I can blend but if someone goes in for a closer look or I am in tight quarters (public transit comes to mind), people will see a guy for certain. I suspect most people figure I am TS as it is unlikely the uninitiated make little distinction between the subtleties of the TG spectrum. So do people point and stare, giggle or guffaw . . . I would be lying if I said it never happened. I see hushed whispers and quick awkward glances but, if it is innocuous and not rude, I ignore it and go on with my day. However, if it is rude or aggressive then that is a different story.

Cheers

Isha

[Candice June Lee]

Not acknowledgjng is what i do. I did have an experience once while out dressed. Leaving a drag show to go dance at the first floor of the bar. We were going down the stairs, a guy going up the stairs was reading me and took atvantage. He grabbed my left boob. I am not sure 100% but i think he was shocked at the feel. They bounced like real ones too, as they were balloons filled with water. I am glad it didnt burst as it was to full. That was a great night though.

[Sara Jessica]

Rather than take time to write up some words of wisdom, I'll just say ditto to Jennifer's comment.

Life became much easer when I stopped caring what anyone thinks and in the off chance I am face to face with any sort of borderline negative reaction, it's so much more fun to disarm the offender by calling them out...in a nice way, of course.

[Kandi Robbins]

Prior to my ever going out in public dressed, I came to the realization that I really don't care what other people outside my circle of family and friends thinks of me. That philosophy has certainly helped me going out dressed. I am careful to pick my spots as to what I do and where I go dressed, but I do get out at least once a week and have not yet had a negative experience. I don't have the length of experience many of the girls here do and I am sure I have engendered some raised eyebrows, but as many have already said, a simple smile can generally diffuse most people. The only way I pass is a view from a satellite circling the earth, otherwise I am completely "readable".

[jjjjohanne]

When I first started going out in public in women's wear, I was in shorts and pantyhose. I was paranoid that people could tell I had them on. Later, I started going out in dark pantyhose and women's shorts, etc. People could tell, but they did not react other than to take another look. Eventually, I got the nerve up to go out in public in a skirt, heels, etc. as a man. So, every time I am seen, I am read.

Young people will quickly lean to their friends/family and whisper. Women look immediately at my shoes and back up to my head. Men look at my skirt or legs and then back to my head. Some people make disapproving looks. Others will watch me. Many take their look and go on about their business.

Very few people have ever spoken to me without me speaking first. One guy was smoking outside a business. As I walked by him, he said, "I would recommend a pantsuit." All other people who have acknowledged my clothes by initiating a conversation were black women. Mostly over 50 years old. I think it is a cultural thing where I live that white people pretend that they didn't see something and black people will make a comment. They are normally inquisitive and/or polite. My favorite response was, "I like that," as I walked up to the store a woman was exiting. I have never had anyone say anything mean to me while I was dressed. I have had two teenage girls laugh out loud at me as I walked by (on my first public outing in a skirt.)

I have found that if I say, "Hello," people will respond with, "Hello." If I go to a store clerk, they will treat me like normal. I have found that if I wear my ID and money in a lanyard, people will approach me for help thinking that I, a man in a skirt, work at the store (I loved that. I felt so normal and accepted.). I have gone to a couple small events in a skirt and people greeted me like I was in menswear.

So, when I see someone whispering or staring, I go on about my business. I might greet someone watching me with, "Hello." Now, let me append to this that I try to only go out in public when I will not encounter children (during school hours). I intentionally do not go to risky places (biker bars, poor side of town, macho events, etc.) and I do not go out at night, much. And then, only to well lit, public places.

[Launa]

I get read all the time so its a fact of life for me, I usually carry on with my own business. If I think that they want to take some kind of a stand with me then it goes into a staring contest with me smiling at them or the middle finger seems to stand up for me. Then there are times that I have to say something to them if you know what I mean. Depends on the situation and the current mood I'm in.

[Eryn]

I seldom know if I am read and it concerns me a lot less than it used to. I'm 5'14", so I get a fair number of looks but I never know what is in someone else's head. I just act in the way a genetic woman would and get on with life!

I was at a jewelry show recently and was recognized by a half-dozen different vendors. I'm a very memorable person in female mode so this isn't out-of-the-ordinary for me. Everybody I talk to seems happy to see me again so I'm not very worried about what other people think.

[Jennifer0874]

For starters I am 6'2, so there's no such thing as stealth mode. I expect people to know that I am a crossdresser. I live in the Lakeview area of Chicago, about two blocks out of the Boystown area where all the gay bars are located. Not only do I feel comfortable dressing here, but I also know that kind of expect to see someone like me and they might even be on the lookout for it.

I don't mind if I am read. I just fear what might happen if a bigot decides to confront me. That hasn't happened yet.

As far as women reading me. I love it. I get a little excited especially if I feel I can teach them a thing or two about fashion.

[AngelaYVR]

Water off a duck's back. Like Jenniferathome said, anybody who looks long enough knows anyway so just enjoy yourself!
I was all over the city today and talked to many people, if I started to worry what they thought I wouldn't get past the front door!

Oh, and just wanted to add that you'll be more likely to be on the receiving end of compliments and friendly smiles than anything else (at least around here).