In therapy but not moving at all

[paola_gemi]

Hi all: It has been a while since I post.

I started therapy since February this year, at the time I was in a very high anxiety mode about transitioning and I think it was time to get some therapy.

When I went to my first session, I think I started off very strong with my therapist, stating that I have "Gender dysphoria" as I had diagnosed my self for a while. My therapist became very interested and she took me in.
She is a sex therapist but she does not have much experience treating transgender people she told me, but I gave it a try, since her professional experience in general seemed pretty prominent.

I have been for more than 5 months and I feel kind of stuck with the subject.
I as normal practice in therapy I suppose, I speak about my every day life as well as my history. But at some point the subjects are only about my closest relationships, which play a part in my struggles to come out to them, but kind of setting aside the real point of me being in therapy.
And that is that I started therapy because mainly I wanted to find out if I am really Transgender or not.

Talking every week about this or that problem or issue with my wife, work, family, that does not necessary have to do with my dysphoria, has been dragging for weeks, and I feel basically in the same page as I was the first day of therapy.

I have already told her that I want to explore more the symptoms, causes, or patterns, forgetting a bit about my everyday issues that have nothing to do with Transgenderism.

Any way the point of my post is to see if you have any advise, so I can suggest my therapist what subjects to explore and how to concentrate on what I feel about transitioning etc, etc.

I just think that I go round and round like a dog chasing it's tail.


Thank you,


Paola.

[charlenesomeone]

My therapist was the same way, then she downloaded the most current GD standards.
She said she was a little behind and the new differs from the old.
May want to mention that. Hope it helps.
Hugs

[Frances]

Anyone who knocks on a therapist's door unhappy about their gender is gender disphoric. Transitioning is a personal choice, which requires great determination. Your therapist does not "want" you to transition, and cannot do it for you. That you want to talk about the subject shows ambivalence. That's perfectly fine, but only you can clarify the meaning of your ambivalence. I am not sure what you want from your therapist. If you want hormones, ask for a letter of approval. If you want her to make the decision, you are hindering your chances of success. You actually have agency.

[kimdl93]

Why don't you express this feeling to your therapist?

[Jorja]

I started therapy since February this year, I have been for more than 5 months and I feel kind of stuck with the subject.

I would suggest that you try to locate another therapist. One with experience treating transgender patients.

I started therapy because mainly I wanted to find out if I am really Transgender or not.

Do you believe you are transgender?

Sometimes you have to take your therapist by the hand and lead them where you need to go.

[LeaP]

A therapist – a good one, anyway – is trying to do several things at once. On one hand they will lead and prompt you at times. On the other, they will take the direction you indicate. They will assess general mental health, along with social and psychological issues. With gender issues, they will try to determine if they are rooted in identity or arise out of other issues.

Frances brought up ambivalence. She is right to do so. She also wondered what it is you want from your therapist to clarify your ambivalence. I think you answered that when you said you were looking for causes and patterns. THAT could easily take you down a rabbit hole of exploration about relationships, family, work life etc. It will have been justified if the gender issues you are bringing your therapist turn out to be something other than a fundamental gender identity issue. If your gender issues are identity–based, trying to pinpoint cause is completely pointless.

In my case, I chose to have my therapist lead and explore for quite a while because I had other issues to deal with. She helped me resolve those, particularly depression and social anxiety. In time, my gender issue greatly clarified and focused. When it did, I redirected the sessions from psychological counseling to gender therapy. I insisted on it, in fact. Interestingly, given Frances' comments, it was in the first of those sessions that I asked if she would write the hormones approval letter for me. She said, "of course," as she had long concluded that I was transsexual and in fact, had already started transitioning in some respects. When it came to transition and hormones, however, I was the only one who could properly initiate the topic.

You need a heart to heart with your therapist about the approach to the sessions. One last thing about cause: looking for one may seem like the right thing to do for a while. You may find after things have settled down a bit that looking for causes is a way of looking for excuses, even forgiveness.

[VanTG]

Their are so many variables in play here. The therapist might be making sure you are serious, they might be trying to get to the other issues that can affect transition and such. I think your first step should be to bring this up with the therapist. Some therapists don't have the expertise and as Jorja said you need to go hand in hand with them. I did the same thing with my therapist. I had done a lot of research on the topic and although they were trained with gender issues they were not 100% on top of it. There is so much information out there its not a perfect science. My suggestion would be to also educate yourself. Do this the correct way and not just google things. Find scholarly articles written by professionals. Publications written by public institutions are usually the best. Even going to the library can be a great help. You want real information, not fantasy information.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I think that 5 months is well long enough to see a therapist and to get to the point of what you want to discuss.

I suggest lay it on the line at the next session. Tell her that you really nee to talk about being transgender, and if she's not qualified in this area to see if she can recommend someone else who is more experienced in transgender issues.

Then give her not more than 2 more sessions to address transgender directly, or you find another therapist.

I say this from personal experience, in that my first therapist seemed to always go in anothe direction everytime we got close to relly diacussing crossdressing.

Another more indirect approach is to ask if you can come to your next session crossdressed. An answer of "no" or some other discouragement is a clear indication that she can't help you. Therapy should be a "judgement free zone", and if she can't see you dressed, then it's time to move on.

Again, from personal experience.

[Eringirl]

Hi Paola:

Sorry to learn of your dissatisfaction with how your therapy sessions are going. I agree with Jorja....time to find another therapist who specializes in transgender areas. That is what I did. I was first suspected of having GD 17 years ago by my regular therapist, but decided not to act on it at that time for a whole bunch of reasons. Well, as one would guess, it got to a point where I couldn't do that anymore, so back to that therapist I went. She quickly decided that it was beyond her capabilities and referred me to a psychologist that has been working with transgendered clients for the past 15 years. What a difference. In a matter of 3 sessions, diagnosis confirmed, letter written, referral to endocrinologist done, and I have been continuing to see her on a monthly basis to talk about how things are going. We work together on creating a plan to move forward to full time, surgeries, etc. So, while my regular therapists is very trans friendly, she realizes that this is a specialization that she was not qualified in and for my best interests, she sent me to someone else who is. And I really like her as well.

So, I think we have to realize that not all therapists can be all things to all people. Maybe a specialist is in order for you??

Just my thoughts and experiences.

Best of luck!!

Erin

[Marcelle]

Hi Paola,

Being educated in the field of psychology, not all therapists are created equal and as Jorja suggested I believe it is time to have a frank discussion with your therapist and discuss that you feel you are not progressing in understanding this side of you. I know you already told her you want to explore more causes, symptoms and patterns but you need to let her know you feel as though your are not progressing. If she is unwilling or quite possibly unable to take you further as her area of expertise is not "gender identity" then she should be able to make a referral. If she cannot or refuses then you should start looking on your own. A good place to start would be a TG support group who would be linked in to local therapists.

Cheers

Isha

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Focus..

all therapists are different. therapists almost always talk about what YOU bring to them every session...

so as a layperson i say this is on you... change the subject.. i have been there... talking about everything except what i knew.... i had a job, a wife, a male life.... i knew where i was heading and in therapy i viewed it as a victory to put it off another couple of weeks..(put off deciding, put off "knowing my fate")

there is who/what you are ...there is how you feel about it(coping skills/depressed?/trapped?/isolated? etc)...there is what you do about it...

These are VERY different things... take ownership of your sessions and get to work on which one can help you right now and keep moving forward...just based on your post i'd say you have a pretty good idea who you are and you are struggling with how you feel and how you cope..

and if you don't get satisfaction, its time for a new therapist....btw...i went to "sex" therapist at first...it was a horrible degrading experience, she knew NOTHING about transsexuals

[paola_gemi]

Thank You all for your reply: I knew from the start that my therapist was not very experienced in Transgender people, but I gave her a shot do to her credentials.

I do think that it has been my fault in a large portion. From the beginning I introduced my self to her as if I really know what I am or what I have. (Gender dysphoric)
From then on I think that she had skipped the first stage since I kind of diagnosed my self.
I do take into consideration that I have been leading my sessions bringing other subjects of my everyday life, and we kind of get hooked on that, correlating the main subject with my other issues.

I already had expressed to her my concerns and in my next session we are going to try a different approach, targeting the mien issue.
Her idea is to play "Devils Advocate" which was something I kind of ask from the beginning, which was to ask me a lot of questions.
Some times it is hard to open up with a feeling or a subject unless you are asked directly. So I am excited about this path to see what kind of answers will I come up with, my be I even surprise my self.

On the other hand, in these past 5 months I have been trying to be very analytical about my feelings. When I first came to therapy, I expressed the urge to Transition.
However, my feelings have been all over the place, I call it "The transition-meter" in the first session in a scale of 1 to 10 it was above 9, then it went down gradually for the next 5 or 6 weeks then it would gradually go up again, but it stays in the 6.5 to 7.5 and has not gone up more than that.
My "Transition-meter" has only gone up over 9 only for brief periods and does not last, but stays in a debatable zone.

Suddenly in the past few weeks, my masculine feelings king of pull me in and say "Hey I am here" and it is a frustrating situation that sets me back a bit.
Are those masculine lapses normal?
I have always live my life "Normal" if you will, being masculine, and I have never acted in any feminine way noticeable enough for someone to suspect that I have a very strong feminine me.

Most of my second thoughts are doe to the implications of transitioning. Coming out to love ones, thinking about work, my economic hardships, if I will pass, if I am getting older, and how would I behave or re-invent my self to society.

That is why it is very important to have a more accurate diagnose in order to address all the above issues in a better way.

My next therapy is on Wednesday, I will let you all know how the new approach went.


Thanks,


Paola.

[jigna]

First you decide what exactly you want.
Whether you want your boobs to grow and look feminine, reduce hair growth all over the body and change your voice like female etc.
Then tell your therapist to give treatment as appropriate.

[Zooey]

It is reasonable to be apprehensive about something like this - that just means you're not insane. Listen to those feelings. They don't necessarily mean you're not going to end up in the destination you thought you would, but they do mean you need to take the time to be comfortable with your decisions before moving forward.

Ultimately, you've got to go with your heart. From the moment I first decided to transition, it took me 4 months to actually start HRT. There was no problem with obtaining HRT through my doctor, and I was already out to my siblings and had been full-time socially (outside of family holidays) for a few months. I decided (and my therapist certainly agreed) though that I needed to come out to my parents before starting HRT. I decided this for a number of reasons, but chiefly...

1. It seemed like the respectful thing to do
2. It gave me a barrier I needed to overcome

By my reasoning, if I was not brave enough to tell my parents at this point, no matter how certain I was, I was not ready to transition. I had come out to lots of people, but I still had a substantial mental hurdle to climb with them. Eventually, on my birthday no less, I had the moment where it all clicked and I just did it. It was the best feeling in my life (and also the worst), but if I'd rushed to get there I would not have been ready. I'm really glad I did it that way.

Edited to add: This was the way I CHOSE to proceed, for me. Everybody needs to define their own path, and I'm not judging. I do think it's valuable to set yourself a hurdle to jump, but it doesn't have to be or even resemble the ones I chose for myself.

BTW, not sure exactly what you mean by it, but having "masculine feelings" sometimes doesn't make you any less of a woman. Nobody is a caricature who lives an entirely one-sided life. Things may change over time with HRT, but all your feelings do is define the sort of woman you're going to be. I had moments of doubt - "am I girly enough?" - but they're all BS. Honestly, the obsession many CDs have with an over-exaggerated "ultra-girly" version of what they call femininity makes me sad. At this point, I'm very comfortable with the fact that I'm a woman who loves videogames, playing guitar, scuba diving, making things, cooking overly elaborate food, getting dirty sometimes, and would much rather be in jeans and a funny t-shirt most days but reserves the right to go nuts and look hot when I damn well please. Incidentally, I know loads of FAB women like that too. #likeagirl