Still stuck on behavior vs. identity

[beth_myer]

Hi, all. Thanks for reading. I'm new to this whole thing, so bear with me.

I'm currently dressing as female because I recently had a baby. There was a time when I dressed mostly male. At the time, it was more a matter of how much my then husband was annoyed by it. In the past, I've passed as male until I spoke. I've had people apologize for saying sir, and then I tell them not to worry about it. During that time when I was still married, I went to confession. I do attend church regularly (I'm orthodox christian), and my priest's advice was to tell me that it's just an unnecessary behavior. That was two years ago. I've since decided that it is clearly a matter of identity, not just a behavior, but I'm not sure why. I'm not sure where that leaves me now, especially considering the fact that I've been through a lot of horrible things since then including abuse and a difficult pregnancy. I don't even have any of my nice men's clothing anymore. I don't have much of anything anymore. I also still look pregnant because of some very large fibroids - I can't wait until I can do something about that.

I hope to get back on my feet soon and replenish my wardrobe. It's important to me to be able to show my son who I really am. Any thoughts? As I wade my way through life and where I fit in this world, I have yet to find any labels that really work for me and if I never do, that's fine.

I have a MTF cd friend that I really enjoy spending time with. He is very supportive, and he thinks I should get into being a dominatrix/female companion of some kind. I would love that, but where to begin?

[stefan37]

Well. Your newborn needs you. You will be spending a tremendous amount of energy attending to his needs. Your identity is what you believe it to be. Explore to find out what makes you feel good about yourself. Start to build your wardrobe back. Wear what you feel comfortable. I have no suggestions about voice. Testosterone will make it deeper. In the interim try talking as a guy would. Short, direct, monotonal. Make a conscious effort to keep your pitch uniform.
If BDSM is your thing. Explore Fetlife

[Robin414]

Hi Beth! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I'm not qualified to offer too much advice but one quick tip I can offer for presenting as a guy is 'take up space', guys tend to sprawl out when they sit and litteraly occupy more physical space than women do, it's an alpha male dominance thing hard wired 😈 if you need an inspiration boost as well have you looked up Buck Angel, wow!

[flatlander_48]

b_m:

You've certainly got enough going on that will work towards keeping your stress level up! Obviously having a child changes everything compared to how your life was before. I think it is important to settle into how your life is now and get reasonably comfortable with it. Once that happens, then you can figure out what your next move will be.

Good Luck to you and your son!

DeeAnn

[JenniferR771]

Flatlander is right. Get your life in order. Understand yourself. Settle down. Get responsible. A child depends on you.
I am supposing you are not lesbian, but you have some male tendencies. Love male clothes.
That makes you a good fit with a crossdresser. Try meeting and dating a few MTF crossdressers. If you are accepting, you could find a good match.
At the least he could loan you a few of his old suits.

[beth_myer]

You suppose correctly, JenniferR. That would be great.

Anyone near Santa Cruz, CA looking to get rid of old men's clothes?

Thank you for the love and support, everybody

[flatlander_48]

You suppose correctly, JenniferR. That would be great.

Anyone near Santa Cruz, CA looking to get rid of old men's clothes?

Thank you for the love and support, everybody

There's a fine distinction between "old" men's clothes and "old men's" clothes.

Just sayin' as I resemble that remark...

Seriously though, continued progress!!

DeeAnn

[Badtranny]

Anyone near Santa Cruz, CA looking to get rid of old men's clothes?

I've got some stuff gathering dust in my closet. Literally, how does so much dust get in the damn closet?

Anyhoo, PM me with sizes and stuff and if it works, I suppose I can put myself out and drive down to Santa Cruz one of these weekends. :-)

[Krististeph]

not sure if i can help at all, aside from saying 'hang in there'. Being both a mom and a dad- that is actually pretty cool, IMO- aside from the negative stuff. I read something recently- "if you are going though hell, don't stop.". I take that to mean do not stop making the changes that you need to make. Your son has the chance to see someone who can be both genders- and understand why. Tell you son stories, your own. Read to him. Show him how to read- honestly- reading is the sure cure to almost all maladies- and speak with him as an adult- as well as a child. let him know people respect others who can read and speak well.
As for labels- create your own- or let your son tell you what they are. Give him tons of hugs daily, and read a lot. these things create healthy happy minds. He will figure out things for himself, and probably surprise you in the process. teach numbers too- solid basic arithmetic. Teach him (and yourself if necessary) to use a slide rule, seriously, logarithms are a key to higher understanding. Seriously. Learning this 'basic' stuff- this is what opens up the mind.
As for yourself, I'm MtF, so we are kind of crossed, but check out various sources for 5.11 pants- police/military/mountain. Serious gear for serious guys. 100% cotton or 50/50 nylon/cotton- they last a long time. I used to wear these exclusively doing serious field service- very high heat environment, best uniform i ever had. Royal Robbins was the name, but so many have copied the style. serious gender neutral gear.
When he gets old enough- read Robert Heinlein to him- best ever sci-fi boy's author. Loved females- respected them as equals, but different. Great fun for boys. be warned- you will be lighting a fuse-- he will decide to be what he wants- very self-actuated.

teach well the basics- both to yourself and your son- learn from the boy scouts- no, don't mimic them- learn from them: Take the useful and make it work for you, discard what is useless. This was Bruce Lee's philosophy, one tough, smart S.O.B. make it your own.

One last bit of advice, watch the video of Marilyn vos Savant- an interview, search youtube or google, "raising intelligent children" and think of it as applying to you as well as your child. She's pretty smart- makes awesome sense.

I am a professor- my best students are the ones who challenge me and give me trouble- on topic. I move mountains for them if they perform up to their potential. All you have to do is decide to be better than the rest.

I hope this inspires you/helps. That was the intention.

Best wishes and a bear hug. -k

[beth_myer]

Oh! That's a good point point. I really just meant if anyone has any men's clothes they don't need anymore. Age of the clothing, not the person.

Thank you, KristiSteph. That was inspiring. I've actually never seen a slide rule even though I've done plenty of math and I like it. I'll have to look it up. I will def. also look up that interview with Marilyn vos Savant.

Sometimes I forget the potential for awesome things to happen when you have a child. You never really know what the future will bring. It is fun to watch him grow. He'll never really know how much I get out of being his mom/dad. Ok, we need a new word for that. I feel more like a mod. I should teach him to call me mod instead. That would be awesome.

Forgive me, what is IMO? Is that one of those texting abbreviations all the cool kids know? (I'm cool, too, I swear :D)

[Saikotsu]

IMO is In My Opinion.
IMHO is "in my honest opinion"
The quest to find a label that fits is one many of us know quite well. My question to you is, do you feel you're a man in a woman's body? Perhaps you're transgender in that case. Do you feel that you're a woman, but prefer to wear men's clothing? Perhaps you're a crossdresser then. Do you sometimes feel like a woman, and others feel like a man? If so, maybe you're genderfluid like me.

Regardless of which labels you embrace, the important thing to remember is that you are you.

[beth_myer]

Hi Beth! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I'm not qualified to offer too much advice but one quick tip I can offer for presenting as a guy is 'take up space', guys tend to sprawl out when they sit and litteraly occupy more physical space than women do, it's an alpha male dominance thing hard wired 😈 if you need an inspiration boost as well have you looked up Buck Angel, wow!

I took that to heart, and I've been practicing. I totally understand now why guys tend to have nice abs/shoulders, and all that. Interesting.

[Stumble]

Since you have some recent experiences of abuse, getting 'into' dominatrix/companion activities might well bring you more fireworks than you were looking for. Take time to sift through your experiences. This is a bad time to feel worse.

[Dana44]

Beth, I'm a CD MTF well only in thought. When I'm male, boots are my top priority, With anything I wear. Also shorts are not to be seen on men out there. LOL. Jeans , T-shirt. or suit I have a boot for. I find that in my girly clothes I do have boots there also. Boots are very male. Here in Texas, cowboy boots are top. I also recommend taking your time with your son. After life gets better then find your mate. It is easy to find a submissive female. Heck when I was at a club I would go after those girls only to find they had a butch that took her away from me. LOL Yet any of those girls I thought that I could have. So there is a lot of submissive girls that wants a boy like you. Take your time finding one.