Coming out or Getting Caught?

[Marcelle]

Hi Kelsey,

You will find when you ask that question here it is quite polarized into two camps "must tell (liar, liar pants on fire)" and "you will know when you are ready to tell". Personally, I told my wife but I had to because I reached a point of "emotional no return" and if I did not well just saying . . . I was heading for a very dark place. However, if it were something I did, enjoyed it for a moment or two then could put it away and continue functioning as a loving, dedicated and supportive partner . . . I doubt I would have told her. However, in my case I was becoming non-functional and it was bleeding into my relationship in other ways (depression, anger, resentment frustration and all around D-baggery - I was not a very nice person to be around).

Only you know when it is truly time to tell your SO and how to go about that. Some do it face to face, others via letter (Jen has an example in her signature block I believe). However, the key thing to remember is that once that bell is rung, it can never be silenced and this thing is going to go one of two ways: (1) acceptance on some level or (2) your walking papers. Should you choose to tell her some day, then communication after the fact is key to ensure things stay on an even keel. A while back I started a thread about communication post-tell to which many added great information which might help you should you decide to have the talk. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...couraged/page2

Cheers

Isha

[Kate T]

tell, don't tell, either way it can go really well or really badly.

The question of whether it will go well or not frankly is a side issue. The real question is what is the right thing to do? Is it right that you get to decide unilaterally how your wife will react and therefore make that choice for her?

Personally I think that if you love someone then you respect their right to make their own choices and to me that means you should always tell a partner as soon as possible.

[Sometimes Steffi]

IMHO, knowing that she accepts others as trans has no bearing on whether she'll accept you, the man she married. My wife knows at least two people in her daily life that are trans or "queer", but she still can't handle my CDing.

I was discovered. It was not good, but I'm not sure the conversation would have gone well either. I think she's only staying because of the "til death do you part."

I did the lying thing for a while. I told her that I was going out "with the guys". Not technically a lie, but ...

I tried the ask permission to go out, and the answer was usually "no",

Now, when I want to go out, I just tell her (and ask for forgiveness). One of these days it will probably just blow up on me. But, I'm not getting any younger, so not doing it is not being fair to myself.

[Gillian Gigs]

I personally think that it is easier to come out in your own timing, rather than through the timing of getting caught. Mainly because you can be better prepared for it and have the chance to have a rational conversation, versus an emotional mess that involves a gambit of feelings. I came out because I figured that the odds were starting to stack up against me. It was after coming out that the quirks started to make sense to my wife. There was the usual questions, like are you gay, are you wanting to become a woman, etc. It took some time, but she knows that I am still the same person, I just have some different tastes in clothes. My drive to dress is very sexual in nature, and this seems to make sense to her and this, she is accepting of. If I have learned one thing on this site, it is that every situation is different, so who knows how it might work out for you.

[LeslieSD]

For OP, I would suggest coming out rather than being found out. Imagine that both ways you will end up with a hard conversation explaining your dressing, except in the "being found out" route, you will also need to deal with her shock from discovering this herself. Take the issue head on and tell her (at a proper time which you can choose and control).

A while back I started a thread about communication post-tell to which many added great information which might help you should you decide to have the talk. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...couraged/page2

For some reason, I missed such a wonderful thread! I read it and it has so many great ideas. Thank you, Isha.