Hey everyone
There is a merged thread in this as well as various comments with updates so ive tried to tidy them all up into one:
***Original Post***
If you have followed my posts and threads over the last few months you'll have seen that I rejoined the forums in January, I uploaded my first picture(and many since) I've come out to my friends and my sister, I had my first outdoor experience(LGBT pride no less) and that I've matured and grown an awful lot, the one thing I can't get past though is not being open to my mom, I came out to her about 6 years ago but it basically me just telling her I crossdressed and that was sort of it and it was never mentioned again except once where she said I was just confused, she has seen some of my girl clothes in my room, make up etc since, especially in these last few months but I don't know if she is ignoring it or waiting on me to say something, either way I feel I HAVE to say something because it's really bothering me and with college I'm going to be stuck at home for the next 3 years at least, I can't however bring myself to talk to her, I've tried but I just chicken out at the last minute so I've typed this letter in thinking of giving her and just wanted some feed back on it if you don't mind reading:
"Hi I was hoping to talk to you the other day about something but I wasn't feeling up to it in the end. Really I was more afraid to because I'm not good at talking about myself or any problems and I didn't want to ruin things and felt it easier to let it slide, as well as you and joe are always really busy or Niamh, grace or Luke have some issue and I didn't want to lump more fuel on the fire and then the times you seem free for a chat I can't pluck up the courage.
What I wanted to talk about I spoke to you about a few years ago but I feel I didn't explain myself very well then and that things didn't go as I had hoped, I've also grown since that time, what I told you then was that I crossdressed but I know now that I am transgendered, which is just an umbrella term but I feel that I am bi gendered/gender fluid which means that I identify with both genders.
The majority of days I feel male and identify as such as any other male person would but other days, and sometimes even the same day I identify as female and wish to present as such. I don't know why that is, my guess is just some poor luck with chemistry in the brain but I didn't choose it, I didn't ask for it but I didn't always feel that way either however. When I was around 12 or so I started wanting to present as female at times and didn't know why, or that it was a thing, it just felt 'fun' to do it.
When I was 15 I felt I was the only person like that, and for a long time I refused to accept it and did my best to ignore it.
I discovered that their was other people with the same thing but I still felt alone and that's when I began wanting to tell someone because I wanted help trying to deal with it but I still couldn't ask because I thought I was just messed up and it would all go away.
When I was 19 I think, I told you because I thought about it more often at that point and I was trying to discover myself and I really needed support but I also didn't know who I was, I saw Sean and Gavin admit that they were gay and they to metaphorically put it "ticked a box" and were happy with their choice where as I didn't know which box I was supposed to tick and felt I wanted to keep changing my choice, I was born male and live as a male but I feel pulled towards being female some of the time and it really just confused me so much.
The reason why I am saying this now, while I could continue hiding it until the time I get to move out and it wouldn't be an issue is that it makes me feel miserable hiding, that I can't move around in my home until everyone has gone to bed or that I have to lock my door for privacy to escape or that when I get in from work I can't dress the way I feel at the time because I'll have to change back shortly after come dinner time or if I buy some clothes I have to sneak them in or lie about what they are and then hide it in my room as if I was doing drugs.
Originally as I said I was hoping for help, but I want to think I've moved past that for the most part to now where I am just looking for some acceptance, I want to be able to be what I feel when I feel it, I'm not naive on that though either, I understand when it is appropriate and not, I couldn't say how often I'd like to do it given the chance because I haven't finished finding out what I'm comfortable with because I haven't been able to test my boundaries which could mean even having the freedom I could do it less.
I assume you realised that when I went out for the LGBT pride parade I went as female given the condition my room was in the next day, but I had a great time being out that day, where I could feel comfortable and normal for how I was feeling, it was the first time I had ever gone outside and to say it was the deep end.
When I first told you, you asked me several questions, did I tell any of my friends, did I want to go out and about and did I plan on continuing. I said no to them all except the last one because I was afraid to do any of the others but at the time I had told Sean and Gavin because I felt they would be accepting, especially given how they told me they were both gay.
I've since, and recently told Garrett and mike and grace and they are all fine by it but it wasn't easy for me, like telling you now isn't easy, it's hard and I'm sure to be a gay person is hard because other men look down on them because they aren't macho but you can't always tell a person is gay by appearance and not all gay men are camp, where as if I want to present then it can be even worse because nearly all men would hate to be a girl, which makes it hard to tell people because you think they'll look at you differently or not think you are the same person or some people just think you are a freak or mental.
Yet it is a mental condition, though I'm still me,I'm fully functioning,I still like the same things and have the same personality, I just don't always look how I feel but by talking about it essentially all I'm doing is admitting I have a few other likes that a person hadn't known about, and I've a few more quirks to my personality than they knew of, the only problem with that is that after telling someone I often regret it even if they have been accepting, because I still haven't reached a point of accepting myself, so sometimes I think it is a phase and it will go away but it's been nearly 15 years and it hasn't and from others experiences, it doesn't but if I don't tell anyone I bottle it up and feel worse.
A transsexual person is someone who is born a certain gender but mentally feel they are in the wrong body which must be awful to endure but by changing gender they can try to fix that as best they can, I feel sometimes like it is just as bad to be between the right body because some days I wake up I'm not sure who my mind will want to see looking back in the mirror and if I stay as male all the time I get depressed and anxious but I think if I was to only be female I would have the same issues.
I have found that since Gavin and Sean have known for so long that while they have adjusted I've been able to become used to it too around them, it's easy to think when you have to admit something that the person learning about it has the burden of getting used to the concept but it does work both ways.
I look at pictures of myself as female or in the mirror and think this feels right but at times when I change back or if I think about it too much I feel guilty and shamed about it because I can't be 'normal' or wonder what am I doing with myself but I've found now that my friends know I have someone real to talk to about it, who doesn't grab the pitchforks and torches and I want to be able to have that with you too. I find it strange to admit that at 25 years of age I'm afraid to talk about things but I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders by typing this alone. I was half hoping to avoid this conversation as well as half hoping to have it but I've pushed myself to do this because I've organised to go to town on Saturday for my birthday to one of the LGBT bars because I want to, but if I had said nothing it would have made Saturday afternoon very random and awkward and I didn't want to dump this on you at the very last second and expect you to process it and accept it all in one evening."
Thoughts, suggestions?
Thanks for reading all that too!
***First Update***
It seems that I accidentally sent that to my mom after I finished typing it, which is odd because it doesn't appear in the chat log, she replied the next day ( I sent it during the middle of the night) with this:
"I know about the CD. It doesn't change how I feel about you. You are still my son, I still love you. I don't fully understand it but you have to be who you are. When you are ready to talk or not, I will listen. I would prefer nan(grandmother) does not find out- it wouldn't be good for her health or my sanity ��. I am not ready to see you dressed but that shouldn't stop us talking xx"
It wasn't the resounding reply that I wanted and it had annoyed me a little bit but I've had time to think it over and feel it was a good result and I'll hopefully get around to having a conversation with her next week perhaps.
Thanks to those who replied, I never had any worry that I could get kicked out or anything like that.
Katey when I wrote that I forgot the mods HAVE to read everything so sorry about that
I think you should write about that piece you quoted.
***Second Update***
This is the story that keeps on giving, I replied to moms text with "I didn't realise I had sent that blah blah blah"
And she replied today saying "sent what?" So it turns out she randomly sent that text so I forwarded the message on and she replied with this " Wow! That's a lot to process. I will have to read it a couple of times. As I said you can only be who you are. It doesn't change how I think of you. Very well written. We will talk. I hope u enjoy Saturday x"
Which is more along the lines of what I was expecting
***Final Post***
For those of you who have been following my threads lately you'll know that I had wanted to talk with my mom about being trans and that she had known but seemed to me like a DADT situation. I went out on saturday night with my friends to the city to one of the LGBT bars. I tried talking with my mom a few days before so I wouldnt have to lie and sneak around the place etc etc so I sent a long personal text message to her because I was too nervous to talk in person ( you can read all about that here http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...the-air-letter )
My mom went out for the evening and told me to enjoy my night and be safe and she headed out for the evening, I then got changed over since she said she needed some time to adjust to things before seeing me dressed, my friends were a bit on the late side to showing up to my house and while we were having a few drinks before the taxi arrived my mom came home so I went upstairs rather than having her have to walk in on me, at the time I sent her a text asking was it alright if I came downstairs or did she want me to wait for her to go to bed ( it was late in the evening ) but she never replied and I heard her come up the stairs and go into her room which made me feel pretty bad because it was like she couldnt even look or talk to me however it turned out she didnt have her phone handy and felt she would stay out of my way so I didnt feel weird.
I went out for the night, had a great time, it was the first time half of my friends had seen me dressed in person, and we headed home. I still felt a bit down that it seemed like my mom was uninterested in the situation but that was resolved the next day.
When I got home at 3 in the morning I realised I had left my keys in a jacket in the house so I had to wait until my step dad woke up which was at 5am and that was the longest coldest two hours Ive ever had to stand outside I can tell you, which including it raining at one point but it didnt bother me that I was en femme and would be seen by potential neighbours or whoever.I wasnt entirely sure if he had known if I dressed or not, but presumably my mom would have said it to him but hes also fairly laid back on most matters, he opened the door and I simply said ''dont ask'' and he gave a slight chuckle and went back to bed.
The next day he took me out for a drive and we discussed the text message I had sent my mom and all the aspects of it as well as how I had felt she had ignored me the night before. He had said that she said she accepts me but didnt want to see it to which he said that isnt acceptance but acknowledgement. We went back home and he had a talk with her and she then talked with me which got a little bit emotional.
She said at first she was worried I was turning into a woman, I said I didnt think I would go down that road but ultimately I wasnt 100% sure but I feel its unlikely. Her second concern was that she feared I would be beaten up, potentially killed and put myself in line for ridicule. I said I knew the dangers were very real but realistically you can be attacked and robbed at anytime but I did understand that I was putting myself in additional risk, however I wouldnt be wandering around at 4am in the morning in the city by myself, like most sane people wouldnt do. Lastly, while she didnt worry about it per se, she assumed I was gay which I said I wasnt but she said while it is easier to accept a family member she said if my step dad did the same thing she would find it more difficult because at first she would think he was gay as well, and secondly she isnt attracted to women.
We finished the conversation on a good note and to say that such a weight has been lifted off of me is unbelievable, I explained to her that I felt like a criminal essentially sneaking about and lying all the time. She joked when she went back to what she was doing that I should try and get the remains of the nail polish off my fingers if I didnt want anyone to see, I thought it was unnoticeable, the few specks that were left. She also laughed when I said how cold it was outside while I was waiting to get in and said that mens clothes generally are far warmer.
That evening she was decorating one of the spare bedrooms and asked if I wanted the tower storage unit from it for my clothing which I thought was a nice gesture. She said she was concerned about telling my grandmother who lives at home to which I agreed, because of her age and her generation it wouldnt make any sense to her at all so I think Ill avoid that kettle of fish altogether, simply having my friends and parents on board is enough for me.
( I tried to edit that down as short as possible, so sorry if its a long read )
Here's the tower unit in my room with all my stuff in it, minus the wigs of course. It even has a full length mirror on the door.
Sarah xx
crossdressing...theirs an app for that 
)
