grumpy

[cheryl reeves]

i wanted to apologise to the group for some of the replies i posted. ive been real grumpy the last few yrs and even more so these last 7 mo. my bi brother n law got married 9 mo ago to a nice woman,she has been friends with my wife,15 yrs ago he accepted the fact im duel gender and was cool with it..see people and my family knew he was bi and was judgemental about him,i defended his right to be who he wants to be and with whom he wants to be with.
now skipping to now,now since he got married he is being judgemental and blabbing to everyone he knows that im transitioning,that floored me and his sis(my wife) that floored both of us..this is prob the reason my irritability kicks in when i post a reply..ive been dealing with being ts since i can remember,i can be as he man as the next guy but can be as fem as any fem woman can be,see teresa is the guy part and terry is actually the girl part of my psych,i know that might be confusing to some. i really do apologise,paula q im sorry if i insulted your bf,for a ftm can be as guyish as any guy,i know cause cheryl can be the same way,terry on the other hand likes to be fem and do fem things just like any mtf transexual..

[Zooey]

Okay...

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that things are so hard for you lately. I think many of us can sympathize with the experience of loss or harassment.

Second of all, I'm going to take what you've been saying at face value, but I'd like to try to offer you some constructive criticism that may help you to understand where the frustration some of us are expressing is coming from. I hope you take this the right way - I'm not trying to condemn you or come down on you, but I think it's important to discuss some of this. I also want to make it clear that I'm only speaking for myself here, although I feel fairly confident that a number of people share similar concerns.

ive been dealing with being ts since i can remember,i can be as he man as the next guy but can be as fem as any fem woman

...from another thread...

there are times i feel like i dont fit any label,for when im in male mode i feel crossdressed for when im in fem mode i feel like im crossdressed. i know im ts but ts what mtf or ftm all these labels get confusing for some of us dont fit anywhere. long ago i knew i was ts but preferred transvestite as my label then the internet came along and dumped into the cd group,now 15 yrs later dropped into the tg umbrella and still dont fit anywhere. i love dressing in my dresses as well as my mens shorts and pants,i love growing a mustache,i also like it when im clean shaven. i keep my legs shaved though for the hair grows in patches and never looked good..so what good is labels when you dont fit into them,its like forcing a square peg in a round hole,doesnt work unless you get a sledge hammer to force it to fit..i guess if i had to have a label it would be hermophidite for im both male and female and enjoy both sides of who i am.

Okay, so I get that you find it frustrating to deal with labels, and i don't think any of us are trying to force you into a box. What I think we ARE trying to do is understand where you're coming from, and for better or worse labels help us communicate about these things using a common language. So, when you use a label we know, we bring along the context it defines.

To me, based on things you have said very recently, you do not seem like somebody I would assume was TS (transexual). I would assume that you were bigender, genderfluid, or any of a variety of other options. You do not seem to clearly identify as a woman. That's perfectly fine!!! However, being in that state, it concerns/confuses me when you talk about transitioning. As you've no doubt read on this forum, transition is a really aggressive process that has a tendency to rip your life apart. Even those of us who've had "easy transitions" still face massive world-altering changes in most every aspect of our lives. Does transition for you mean becoming a woman, or does it mean being more authentic in your gender fluidity? If it's the former, I have to tell you that I'm worried. If it's the latter, I'm thrilled for you.

i really do apologise,paula q im sorry if i insulted your bf,for a ftm can be as guyish as any guy,i know cause cheryl can be the same way,terry on the other hand likes to be fem and do fem things just like any mtf transexual..

Assuming you meant to say what I HOPE you meant to say here, I really think you need to be more mindful of the words you choose to use. A FTM transexual person is not "capable of being as guyish as any (implied "real") guy" - he is a guy. Paula's boyfriend is a man. Paula is a woman, and similarly is not "capable of being as girly as any (implied "real") girl" - she is a girl. Paula is, like all women, capable of doing some stereotypically masculine things, but it's not "guy mode" - again, she's a woman.

When you use language that makes trans-men/women 'separate but (not quite) equal" to their cisgender counterparts, or suggests that people are wearing their gender as clothing and take it off sometimes, it suggests a somewhat fundamental lack of understanding of the transexual identity that I believe most of us in this section of the forum have.

Here are the things that I worry about, having read your recent posts...

• I worry that you may be adopting an identity that does not actually match how you internally identify.
• I worry that maybe you've chosen the word TS without realizing that it generally describes a group of people who do not identify the same way you do, and risk frustrating that group of people when you talk about it in ways that feel marginalizing.
• I worry that you have some serious confusion about your feelings, what your identity is, what it means to you, and how to discuss it with others, but may not be seeing an appropriate therapist to deal with all of that (and other related issues).

I sincerely hope this helps in some way. Nothing would make me happier than to see you flourish, and to never have to read another apology post/thread again.

[Michelle.M]

Apology accepted. Let's move forward.