Could you go it, walk alone?

[Alice Torn]

We live in a society, which looks down on being a loner, and having no mate, or SO. Songs, for many decades have this message. We all will end up alone at some point, unless a mate outlives you. I am 61, never had a mate, decades since i had a dating life, so it is something i know so very well, too well! But, would you be ready, to become a"loner", IF CIRCUMSTANCES CAUSED IT. Out alone, CDing, if you never did it alone, can be unnerving too. I know some of you have it down, no problems. For, me at my height, in my small town area, alone, too, is very unnerving. Know one likes the thought of being alone all their life, but all may siblings, and me, from a very sick, odd family, have no SO.

[Sandie70]

I've been married and had live-in girlfriends more times than I can count. But now I'm by myself and life is so much more uncomplicated (except for nosy neighbors).

Alice, I know your situation (where you live, height, etc.) may be different than mine, but try to think of being out, dressed and by yourself as no different than being out and by yourself in drab. If you feel uncomfortable doing this in your small town, then set a goal for yourself: plan occasional outings to other places where you can feel free for a bit... a nice hotel in a larger city, Las Vegas, etc. Since you wouldn't know anyone in these places, who cares what they would think?

Being alone doesn't necessarily mean your have to be lonely.

[Allisa]

Have always been "alone", yes there were times in the past that I was in relationships but as always they never worked out because I would resort to alcohol or mind expanding drugs and no one can last long in that atmosphere, as I age and have stopped my abuse some time ago I'm set in my ways so to become intimate is very difficult but opening up to someone is getting easier but I guess I'm not looking for that "mate" and have resolved to being a loner. As I read stories on this site I think that being alone is very helpful in my CDing and gender fluid expression as I don't need to worry about others (wife, kids, SO, etc..),that is not to say that there are many working relationships with CDing and acceptance and for them congrats, but for me it's not my thing. Alone I shall be happy and free.

[pamela7]

That's a huge question, CD or otherwise. There is one thing walking out alone CD-ing, no problem. To live life alone though, I don't feel that's for me. I often thought of a desert island, but I'd go mad. I'm happy as a quasi-hermit with my soulmate SO.

[AbigailJordan]

Alice, I feel very strongly for you. To give you a little background, in the past 10 years after my first serious 11 year relationship ended, I have had just one SO, a wonderful Canadian woman who tolerated my dressing with obvious signs of discomfort and lack of real understanding. We were together for 3 years and that ended almost 5 years ago, since which time I have been very very single. I'm hoping that's about to change, but that's a story for another thread.

I am a touch under 6' tall without heels, and I live in a rural town with a total population of 10,000 max (including adjoining villages). The kind of place where gossip reigns supreme and minds tend to be more judgmental than most. It also doesn't help that I used to drive a taxi here for 3 years and so am very well known. My house burned down 18 months ago and the news had travelled to London and back via Cambridge and Chester before the firemen had even gone in with the hoses.

So I wouldn't call myself a local celebrity or anything, but I am certainly very well known by many people in the town and cannot go anywhere without bumping into someone I know by name.

Recently, I have found myself thinking more and more about the prospect of being "alone forever" as it were.. I know I'm only 42 and life is far from over.. but when decent relationships are so few and far between, it does become something that you think about.. can I get by without being in a relationship? Do I actually need anyone else.. and it tends to be only when you decide that you're happy by yourself, that you suddenly come across someone who compliments you and things happen.

One thing I had realised was that if it happened that I were to be single long term (or forever), then at least it would give Abi as much time as she wanted and I wouldn't ever have to deal with "the talk" when starting with someone new.. or go through the hiding things away phase. My bedroom is totally Abi.. wigs lined up on the nightstand.. makeup box, nailcare box, jewellery box etc.. the wardrobe is full of dresses with about 4 shirts and work pants/jeans for drab days.. So yeah.. being "alone" isn't actually that big of a deal.. as long as you have friends and aren't totally isolated.

So anyway.. on to the unnerving part of presenting en femme with no immediate support.. no friend to help you through it.. no SO to stand proudly by your side etc. If you have read my recent posts, you will know that I recently discovered that my "secret" was actually known by quite a few people, one of whom is a taxi driver still and a major gossip. So I had to choose between hiding away, or owning the situation. I chose the latter. Next day. full en femmme, marched out of the front door in broad daylight and spent the afternoon at a friends, and even went down town dressed. Nothing was said.. no mobs arrived on my lawn with pitchforks and burning crosses etc.

So far, I haven't experienced a single instance of negativity from ANY corner. No facebook digs.. no comments in the street.. no people whispering as I pass by etc.. and all this without an SO to stand by my side. Only when you are complete in yourself will you be complete enough to find the right person.

And remember the old quote. You wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you if you realised how seldom they actually do.

All the best hunny x x x

[Jaylyn]

I have never been alone. I could only imagine a life without my soul mate to walk thru it with. I don't think I could be alone for long. A few times though I've thought about it, but then I come back to the realization I need the company of someone to tackle life's problems and adversities. I'm sorry Alice that you are alone, I feel for you and know that every one is different but maybe that's the way some enjoy life. It's just not for me though. If you get lonely message me and I'll finally get back to ya. You have many friends on here that can help you thru the lonely times. We may not have all the answers but at least can fill a small void of being alone.

[Piora]

Alone and pretty lonely. Was married for 27 years, and divorced for 12. But can't seem to find someone that'll have me lol! Seems that some people just get one kick at the can, and that's your lot. But, I don't wallow in it. In the last couple of years I have become much more social and have been involved with Meetup Groups in my area. That has been helpful. I haven't seen any groups for CDing, though! However, my crossdressing has been helpful for me to give me some happiness and excitement in my life. I'm in my mid-sixties, so I've pretty much given up the possibility of ever meeting someone at this point.

[Tracii G]

Been married twice and for me living alone is way better.
Less problems,no one breathing down your back,no one critiquing every little thing you do.
There are many nice things about being in a relationship I can't deny that but for me in a relationship I feel closed in and trapped.

[Katey888]

Alice - we all have our crosses to bear of some sort... I know you have your toxic family to deal with, but it is possible to be alone and not lonely - in the same way as many people are not alone, but are still lonely... relationships are not always they're cracked up to be, it could be far worse if you were in a bad relationship as well...

And I know c&w music is full of wimmin and dawgs running away and leaving Jim-Bob with his jar of moonshine and not much else (exaggeration, I know...) - but sometimes you have to channel those negative feelings with a piece of music that drags you up from feeling sorry for yourself - we all feel that way from time to time, I know I do - and if I can remember it, this is what I play to get me up and out of the dumps - might work for you; works for me...



Just perhaps for you it should be: "Get out of it!"

Katey x

[justmetoo]

I think it's different for everyone. I have been alone practically my entire adult life, and I'm only a couple of years younger than you, Alice. Sometimes I do get lonely, but I am also happy on my own. I have rarely dated, due to shyness, social awkwardness, etc. I had one long term, but long distance relationship that broke up a few years ago for assorted reasons. Since then I haven't dated at all. Something that experience taught me was to accept who I am, to own it, and that as much as I would like to find a good relationship with a good woman I'd rather be alone than in a lesser relationship. I'm comfortable enough and happy enough that I don't really pursue a relationship. It also probably helps that I am asexual, so I don't need a sexual partner to satisfy those needs that most sexual people have. I am also learning to be more upfront about who I am. In a recent example, I was contacted by an asexual woman who thought she might like to get to know me, so I told her right off the bat that I am a crossdresser, in case that was a problem for her. I haven't heard back so I assume it was. I'd rather that was established as soon as possible. I don't have to waste her time or mine. I might be missing out on a good person, but so is she. (on the other hand, there are any number of things that can make 2 people incompatible - for example, I couldn't see myself with a smoker or a bigot)

Alone? I can do that. I've had lots of practice. Lonely? Once in a while, but it's not so bad.

I wish things could be better for you, Alice.

[Ceera]

I was married for just over 30 years, before heart failure took my wife from me. That was 16 months ago. Our daughter, now 19, still lives with me. All my CDing has taken place since my wife's passing, so that has always been a solitary experience for me.

I am okay being alone, but would prefer to have a companion again. Not actively looking right now, because we are moving soon, cross country. But once we get to our new home, we will see what happens.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Alice, I have been following your threads for almost 8yrs. now I really don't know how you do it.

Being married to my wonderfulwife for over 51yrs. now I just can't imagine being alone.

[Loni]

i have been a loner all of my life. would not know what to do with a mate.

even when i am with a group of people... i am still alone. the outcast, the hanger on, the one not missed if not there.

.

[grace7777]

Being alone doesn't necessarily mean your have to be lonely.

I totally agree with that statement.

I am 51 and have been single my whole life and expect to be single for the rest of my life. Years ago I did have a desire to have a mate, but I no longer have that desire anymore. It was in 2007 that I decided that marriage was not for me. Now that I have found that I am transgender staying single just makes things so much easier and less complicated.

[Ineke Vashon]

Married/divorced once, luckily without children, for their sake. Have had relationships, female friends and lovers. I am now alone but not really lonely and, when I read the sad stories of DADT situations and painful divorces perhaps I count my blessing to be able to do as I please, dress when I please. Sure, a good companion would be nice. However, getting old myself, the fire has diminished to the warm soft glow of memories, both good and crying time. Perhaps volunteering might help you, there's a big need for volunteers.

Ineke

[Robin414]

I'm happily married myself but could I be a lone wolf/she - wolf ..yep, totally! But I'd probably need an Internet connection to keep it sane over time! 😅

[kimdl93]

Alice,I'm have a very hard time imagining a life alone. I have to admit, that in most respects, my life is pretty much the opposite of yours, Alice. I grew up in a large, traditional, Scandinavian family, and we are all still very much a part of each other's lives. I've been married twice, still am, and I have an accepting spouse. I've got four great kids, and a couple of grandkids. And I've been 'outed' to family and friends, but it seems to have had no adverse impacts on my life or relationships.

I recognize my great fortune....really just the luck of the draw.

So, honestly, I don't know that I could be happy trying to get along alone as a transgender person. Even hiding this aspect of myself from those who do not know is something of a struggle.

[Sharon B.]

I have been single since 1992, married for ten years before that. Have dated off and on since then for the last ten years I have my body hair free and dress when I feel like it. As far as being tall I'm 6'-5" a bit over weight and have nosing neighbors to boot. If I decide for whatever reason that I want to go out dressed s a woman, I go ahead and do it. There are plenty of things the neighbors can say about what I enjoy doing, but the flip of the coin there are things they do I could say something about but don't.

[Jennifer0874]

When I got divorced 11 years ago I said I would never do it again. I've now been married to my wife 8 years and together almost 10. If for some reason we were to longer be together I cannot imagine walking down the isle a third time. In all honesty it might be nice to live alone. I do have plenty of friends who would keep me company. In all likelihood I would probably seek out a FWB as I can't imagine not having a little intimacy.

In my current relationship my wife has a lot of love for Jennifer so there's no issues there . It might be hard to find that again with a woman.

[sometimes_miss]

Women have to grow old alone. Men don't. The older we get, the greater the female:male ratio. By the time you're 60 it's heavily in your favor. By the time you're 70, you're could be surrounded by same age women. Only you make the choice to be alone. We know what women look for. If you really have no idea, rent a copy of 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels', a story of two men who groom themselves into the image of what those women want, appearance and behavior. Take care of your clothes. Wash and polish your car, make sure it smells nice inside, clean the windows, even if it's a 1985 K car. Learn grooming, charm, and social leadership traits. And wash your damn self and smell good EVERY DAY. Details, details, details. It does make a difference.
This is why I'm in the closet. I know that women aren't interested in crossdressers. They don't have much interest in model train nuts either. So I don't broadcast that I'm either one of those (even though I know that one is a pariah and the other is simply something they would rather we weren't because it consumes time they'd rather we spend with them) I AM sort of a loner. I don't want to be involved in discussion with a woman all day long, every single day, which I would be if I lived with one. I enjoy a certain amount of solitude. But you can bet your a$$ that I use every trick I know to keep women interested in ME. It doesn't have to be outrageously expensive, either. Just put your best foot forward ALL THE TIME. Women will find YOU at this age, all you have to do is look decent. Exactly the opposite of the situation when we were, oh, 20 (when any girl had guys interested in her). Now we're in the drivers seat, and we have the multitude of choices. And behavior hasn't changed. If you can't spot the obvious women who want you, read Leil Lowndes 'Undercover Sex Signals'. It's not about sex. It's about how to spot female mating behavior. Available on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Undercover-Sex...SJQBK7KX1TT41K
Now there's no excuse for being alone unless you live like a hermit 10 miles away from the nearest town. And if you stay there, it's your own fault.

[Alice Torn]

Just me too,Justmetoo, Loni., I get it. I am asexual, too. Most of the time i do ok, am not terribly lonely. But, those weekends!! Couples everywhere. I am not saying i am horribly lonely all the time. Maybe about 33% of the time, when i am the only loner among many couples, that is when it hurts. And TV and radio commercials that assume everyone is with someone!!! Society does not value loners much! My cats keep me good company. Sometimes Miss, believe it or not, I have noticed, GREAT COMPETITION between old geezers, for old women!! An 80 year old lady, ihave known for 34 years, divorced around 1998, was just married a month ago. I was was actually interested in marrying her, in 2004!!! She looks, and sounds far younger than 80. In the nursing home, where my mom was when she died, and my dad was there a short time, but is at home, in good health, at 94, now! There was woman patient in the nursing home, interested in my dad. Another guy was "dating" her, then he died. The other day, i find she is also getting married now!! I saw men actually competing for women in the nursing home! I have noticed as i age, that, there are tons of lonely men, seeking women, from teenage years, to nursing home years! I am not sure i can agree with you, that there are far more women alone, than men, after age 70. I am at the age, where i really would just like to DATE SOME. As for volunteering, I have served a quadriplegic man, gave him rides six years, lived in helped an elderly one armed lady, an alzheimers lady, helping my 94 year old dad part time, helping my bossy neighbor lady, dated a blind lady back in 1980;s. I need to be good to myself. Another thing which has made it very difficult, is the church i have been associated with. Crossdressing is called perversion, and almost all are married with children. I have stopped going on sabbaths, because it is too painful, to know i love to do this, when all there despise it. And i tried for decades to be the hardest worker i could possibly be, to attract a lady, but alas, nothing.

[Stephanie47]

I believe if my wife were to pass before me I would never remarry. In order to survive married and after-marriage each spouse should have some separate interests, hobbies and friends, aside from "couples" activities and friends. If my wife and I were to hang around each other 24/7 365 days a year, each of us would have gone crazy a long time ago. One of the perils of old age (not super old) I fear is women on the prowl looking for guys with homes and nice pensions to help support the lifestyles they want to become accustom to enjoying.

[Jodi]

Alice, You ranted about this same subject in prior posts. I will tell you again what I told you before. Before one can date, one must meet people. You don't meet anyone sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself. You must get out there among people and meet them. How do you do it? You volunteer. When I retired 11 years ago, I could have volunteered with any of about 15 organizations. I chose 2 places to volunteer. One place led to a paying part time job and I still volunteer at the other organization. I have met dozens of new people--most all of them female and unattached. My life is rich and full right now, and what I have done has not cost much money at all. All I have had to do is give of myself.

Alice, You can continue to sit home and rant or you can choose to do something positive. The choice is yours. Also, I don't want you posting back to me with reasons and/or excuses why you can't do it.

It's your life. It's what you make of it.

Jodi

[Jorja]

This comment is not meant to be mean spirited in anyway so I hope you do not take it that way.

Boo Hoo, I am alone. Get off of the couch and go meet people! That is the only way to keep from being alone. Your town, like most others, have service organizations like the Red Cross, United Way, Habitat for Humanity, Rotary, Kiwanis, Lions, Altrusa International, The Daughters of America, and the list goes on. Go volunteer. Guess who goes there? Other People!

[pamela7]

i've had time to ponder my initial reaction on this thread. Here it is. We had a dog, he was the perfect dog, and now I'd never have another, for none could compare. The same goes for my SO, Welshgirl, I reckon I'd choose to be alone if she died.