personal courage

[Belle Cri]

Let me start with this preface - this has been an extraordinarily challenging day - not only in terms of coming out to my Mother (which, as expected was a "yeah well, we always knew dear" moment, so an anticlimax, huff), but also on a very challenging professional level in terms of standing up for myself.

So, to the topic. I have systematically denigrated myself over the years to my ultimate harm in terms of being honest with myself about who I really am. This is a horrible fate for anyone to suffer. I have no thought for definitions or norms or any of the petty nonsense that seems to obsess much of our collective effort here. I do not offer this as criticism, but as exemplary self criticism in the hope that it will in fact assist others similarly situated (god that sounded way too legal).

If you do as I have done and live in deep cognitive dissonance for years, it will do immense amounts of physical and mental harm. I fully attribute my unfortunate lapse into adult epilepsy as a function of this fundamental dissonance that a rational mind cannot tolerate without failure. Some of us get divorced, some us go mad, some of us wind up on cognitively crippling antidperessant medication because we are 'abnormal.' Worse, some of us seek refuge from the storm of self hatred and recrimination in harmful ways, be it alcohol (oh yes I have been there), drugs (some, but weed is really better than anything else), or sex (really bad offender in my case).

My experience is that the personal courage to ignore the negative influences that resound around us is critical to mental health and survival. I really couldn't care less about your acronym or how you identify across the spectrum. It is really not that important to me and I do not care as long as you are honest and genuine, and have the personal courage to address me as yourself to me as myself, in whatever configuration, gender based or otherwise. I do not care if you wear jeans or a skirt. I'll probably like you a bit more in a skirt, but that is irrelevant unless you are truly afraid of your sexuality or question either your masculinity or your femininity. I am not a threat - am irritant and gadfly maybe, but certainly never a physical or sexual threat because that is violative and creepy. I just don't have time for either because I will accept you for who you are, and I could give a toss otherwise. And that I think is our savior here - the ability to stand strong and shut out the constant drone of negativity. That is personal courage in the face of adversity and a fundamental aspect of every person I have encountered here, no matter whom I've managed to fundamentally irritate. I don't ask for your acceptance, just not to be judged, and that you demonstrate the personal courage I have come to expect from myself and others in dealing forthrightly with each other.

So I urge that we not judge and that we work hard to understand, and exhibit the personal courage that is characteristic of this group, and in that space we will find both personal and societal healing. It is up to everyone here to create that liberty and space. And now I believe someone has ripped my soapbox away, lol, but I do think this an important issue to discuss, if nothing else for the sake of honestly and empowerment to come out of the shadows and stop the vicious cycle of living in fear.

[pamela7]

Hi Belle Cri,

So are you asking everyone here to reveal themselves to the wider world?

The question I would ask a hider about coming out to a seeker is whether its going to be a good or a bad consequence, and how they know that.

[Teresa]

Belle,
I think I get what you're are saying but it's spoken from a very personal point of view, we all might have CDing in common but travel different roads with it !
For many years the shame and guilt causes our own negative thoughts, real men don't dress in women's clothes , it's not normal !
I tried for the first twenty years of my marriage to hide and bury my CDing in excessive hard work until the stress possibly induced hypercalceamia resulting in severe renal colic . My coming out to my wife went OK initially then I felt she began to reject me and stopped loving me so I spiraled downwards almost taking my own life ! Prozac did come to my rescue for some considerable time . It's still been a rollercoaster ride trying to run my own business bring up and educate the kids and please my wife at the same time being internally torn apart by something that was hard to understand and explain .
My turning point came when I joined the forum and after reading members older than me still dealing and living with CDing that I realised it's for life, it doesn't go away. My situation had to change the secrecy and hiding is mentally crippling , I have no intentions of going down the road I was on twenty years ago ! I was born with something I can do nothing about, it's part of my being and has needs , wearing the clothes is not the whole answer but part of an equation that satisfies female feelings.
I agree it's wrong to condemn and criticize us for having these feelings we should stand up for how we feel , it only hurts other people because they don't understand or want to understand what CDing does for us . They think it's a selfish act almost as if we do it to annoy and intentionally embarrass them ! All I say to that is try living with something that can tear you apart and cause so much distress inside !

One question, why did you feel you had a need to come out to your mother ? My mother is now 86 but still very active doing two jobs , my son and my wife both suggested I told her . I have nothing to gain , her acceptance isn't going to make any difference and may only upset her, for the sort of life I've lead she considers me a real man and good husband and father , it's too late to shatter her thoughts now !

Would you like your soapbox back now , I think I'm off for a beer now ! Anyone want to join me ? Dress optional !

[Belle Cri]

No Pamela, because that is and always will be an individual choice. However, I think it is fair to say that we all face very similar challenges in this existence, and that one cannot underestimate the mental stamina and strain required. The personal courage that I would like to address is that of the courage, self honesty and respect for who one truly is. That may or may not be public, and is certainly not messianic in any sense.

Your second point, to me, is more reflective of the Born Free paradox, namely that conservationists make the best hunters, and hunters make the conservationists. I think it is very difficult to simultaneously assess both sides of the same coin in that respect, much less engage in predicting results and consequences. At a certain level I think we all have to face our own fears and have the courage and self respect to stand up for who and what we are, or pay a very high price indeed.

Cheers Teresa, enjoy.

[pamela7]

is that a naked beer, Teresa?

[Teresa]

Pemela,
No it's dressed in a glass ! What you wear is up to you !

[Helen_Highwater]

Belle,
You write eloquently and with obvious passion and I believe from a very personal perspective. If I understand you correctly you've struggled long and hard to come to terms with the person you know yourself to be and have a need to make that known to those near and dear as well as the wider world. All here will understand just how difficult that can be given the sometimes enormous pressure society places upon us to conform.

As one of many closet CD's here for me personally I feel no pressure to out myself. Yes it would be great if no-one cared a fig about how we dressed and could all go about our daily business how we wished to. But I get by, I don't feel that compulsion that you do. For me personal courage is finding that within me that enables me to go out into the wider world enfemme. Yours and mine are paths trod differently, as everyone else will tread a different course.

[Jorja]

Belle, I think the problem and a part of the reason people are here is because they do not know who or what they are as yet. Many are living in denial. They have not yet accepted these things about themselves. They are searching for where they belong in this life.

This is why someone like myself is here on this forum. I have been through it and can lend my support and experiences to them. Maybe it allows them to see that they are not the only one in the world. They are not alone and as long as they have a place here, they have someone who understands what it is they are going through. Maybe it allows them to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. Building personal courage comes a little at a time. It is not something that is just inherent in your personality.

I believe that we must show a general respect to each other. Beyond that, respect is earned not given freely.

[flatlander_48]

B C:

Underneath it all, this is a very personal experience. Further, even though some might have very similar experiences to others, our own unique histories and life experiences can lead us to VERY different interpretations. I have to admit that, for me, coming to grips with dressing and transgenderism was much easier than understanding and accepting bisexuality. But, it may be that it was just simpler to test the notion of being a crossdresser compared to finding the right circumstances to experiment sexually.

Coming out is a whole 'nuther can of worms by itself. Unfortunately there are so many things that are potentially tied to the admissions that we make. When you start throwing family, employment and friends into the blender, life can get VERY complicated. Spousal relationships, parental relationships, etc. can turn into veritable mine fields in a heartbeat (or is that heartbeet?). In the movie iRobot they talk about the android's thought process being a Difference Engine. Coming out utilizes a similar thought process as you're constantly evaluating the cost/benefit ratio for each person that you're considering coming out to. It's easy for us to say that someone should come out, but obviously we wouldn't have the same perspective and probably only part of the information for a given person.

That said, we should never underestimate the power of conscious decisions. Typically this is something I struggle with, but on occasion, I do get it right. Our LGBT employee affinity group has put on a Fall Community Event since 2001. It started out as an education and awareness thing where we'd show a film or documentary about some facet of the LGBT community (retirement, DADT, same-sex marriage, etc.) and have the film maker, or someone involved in activism for the issue, lead a discussion afterwards. Eventually this got hard to do because of logistics issues, distribution rights, etc. So, 6 years ago we turned it into an entertainment event and have brought in nationally known comedians from within the LGBT community. So, for this year (Oct. 10) we're bringing in Ian Harvie. He is a transgender comedian who has opened for Margaret Cho and has appeared on Transparent. I'm on the planning committee and I volunteered to be the MC for the evening with the stipulation that I will do it as DeeAnn and not Don. I had outed myself to the group as a bisexual ~10 years ago, but this was the first time I had outed myself as a transgender crossdresser before a mixed group of Tribe members and allies. This was about 2 months ago. It is both empowering and a cause for semi-panic; sometimes near simultaneously.

There is a famous speech from the Civil Rights Era, by Jesse Jackson I think. It asks a series of rhetorical questions. One of them is: "If not now, then when?". I am 66, working towards being retired by the end of this year and then moving to SoCal. It's probably about time to pull the pin on the grenade and exit Stage Left. I have wondered that if it weren't for these unique circumstances would I sign up to do this? The answer is I don't know.

This is why someone like myself is here on this forum. I have been through it and can lend my support and experiences to them. Maybe it allows them to see that they are not the only one in the world. They are not alone and as long as they have a place here, they have someone who understands what it is they are going through.

Agreed. Alternatively, I would say that you represent a clear data point that lets people know that it is possible to pass through the Worm Hole and come out the other side intact, well on the way to who you needed to be. And that is a very powerful message.

DeeAnn

[Jaylyn]

I agree that hunters do make the best conservationists. Many acts in History tell us that is a fact. Vice versa can be argued if one will look at the Kabab incident of the many thousands of deer that died because of conservation efforts by one of our Presidents that failed to include hunting.
Every ones liberty and space has been created to the degree that they allow. Every one copes differently with this curse or blessing that we get to experience to many different levels as attested to the facts of reading every ones plights on here. There's not a constant here. We know we all enjoy different levels of our CD'ing. Go back and read what has been posted in the past. Each has different ways of coping with the pink fog, coming out, being straight or bi in their own minds, or even dressing abilities and the levels of dressing.
Each one has different strengths and weaknesses. We have a broad background of occupations here and broad backgrounds of the histories of why we dress. Many here have no fear of the so called human norm, as evidenced by their coming out so to speak, while others are empowered to just be dressed to the level that they can without rocking the apple cart of their plight in their lives.
I am getting in my prime years and for many they call the golden years. I still can and do what I want. I've been retired for 14 years but still work when I want, dress when I want, and even fish and hunt when I want. I've found other things in life that I love as much as dressing and primping. It's called Grand kids I love helping raise them to be the better people in life. Grandparents can impart the wisdom needed to build young men and women. They will have to decide for themselves if they want to be part of the LGBT community. I definitely don't want them to live in any fear but be able to decide life changing issues for themselves.