Marriage is Over

[jeri1973]

Tonight my wife and I had a discussion about my desire to live as the real me...as Jeri. We have been married for almost 19 years. I have battled my gender issue all of our marriage. I have been on hormones 2 different times and gave them up for her.

Over the past 6 months it has been stronger and stronger that I have to transition. I'm back in counseling and I had come to the conclusion that if I transition then our marriage would be over. We'll tonight she told me she would no longer stand in my way and that I needed to find a new job (I'm in a conservative job that will fire me on the spot for divorce let alone even consider a transgendered person). She stated as soon as I find a job that we would file for divorce and she would no longer stand in the way of my happiness.

Tonight has been bittersweet because I can finally move forward but it's cost me my marriage and family.

So, I have been searching online for jobs in Atlanta, GA and cities in Tennessee.

Full time will come sooner than I expected.

[Jorja]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Unfortunately, marriage is usually a causality of this condition. As hard as it may be for you right now, keep your head up and be proud of who you are. This is not the end of anything but the beginning of everything. Sorry I can't help with a job in the Atlanta area but I am sure there is one out there with your name on it. Please keep us informed.

[PretzelGirl]

I am sorry Jeri. It is great that you can be authentic, but the costs start already. As far as a job, since you don't say what your skill set it, we can only stab at it. Maybe using HRC's Equality Index will give you some guidance. It is far from perfect, but it is something that can show you some information. For instance, Cisco has a complex NE of Atlanta in Lawrenceville. They are known as accepting and have a perfect 100 in this index.

[Leah Lynn]

So sorry to read this. I wish you the best.

Hugs,

Leah

[wanagione]

I'm sorry Jeri, I hope things work out and you can some how stay friends. Good luck with your job search, I'm no where near the south so I'm sorry I can't help with that.

[Eringirl]

Sorry to learn of this Jerri. Been there, done that. It is very sad. But you can now focus on becoming who need to be, to be who you really are. Hope it remains amicable.

[MsVal]

There will surely be some painful days, and while I don't want to minimize that, consider two people in an unhappy marriage, or two people who are free to pursue their own happiness, it COULD be a win-win.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Jill_cd]

I'm so sorry to hear your marriage is over. But, you have to live your life. Keep us informed of your journey.

[Debb]

I am sorry Jeri. I am also contemplating the loss of my marriage as I continue my transition.

[cheryl reeves]

sorry to hear of your pending divorce..this is the reason why i won't transition..i chose to get married and have kids with my s.o. and will not jepordise my relationship..over the last 16 yrs i've read alot of stories like this and cant figure it out,if you chose to get married in the first place you should find a boundry where you can find balance without destroying everything you worked to achieve..i guess somethings just don;t make sense to me..i hope you all the best with your future and finding a new job..

[Suzanne F]

Cheryl
Can't you understand that we get to a point where we cannot live falsely as men anymore? I can only speak for me. I did not want to put my wife and family through this. However, finally I had no choice.

Jeri I am sorry this has happened. Please know that you are not alone!
Suzanne

[Starling]

...I...cant figure it out,if you chose to get married in the first place you should find a boundry where you can find balance without destroying everything you worked to achieve...

It's your choice to forgo transition to preserve your marriage, of course, but each one has its own dimensions. When a relationship ends because of one partner's need to transition, it's hard on everyone; but only a tiny percentage of divorces are caused by gender issues. If two people who once loved each other unconditionally can develop irreconcilable differences over money or sex, why should it be any easier to "find a boundary" when one partner has come to feel an overwhelming need that is anathema to the other? Humans need love and companionship, but quite often it just doesn't work out.

Lallie

[Nigella]

The ending of a marriage for any reason is painful for all involved (except for the solicitors ). I will not say I understand how you feel but your SO has shown a strength that not many can do in your situation

We'll tonight she told me she would no longer stand in my way and that I needed to find a new job.... She stated as soon as I find a job that we would file for divorce and she would no longer stand in the way of my happiness

I wish you the best and hope that at the end of this particular phase of you journey you find peace

[stefan37]

Cheryl, you spend am awful amount is time trying to be accepted as a self identified TS. It's comments like your latest that tells us you don't get it. If you need to transition. There can be no compromise. There only way to find balance is to live as female 24/7. To live authentically, we need to align our bodies with our mind. We need to have our identity reflected back to us by those we interact with. We can't live part time only presenting female when it is expedient. Or having to present male because someone else will be offended.

I lost my marriage of 31 years. Not because we didn't love each other. But my ex was not attracted to softer skin, change in body odor. She could not be married to a Stephanie. You don't think I wished I could have continued to live in the middle as you are. As difficult as it was. We would still be married with a future together. It's offensive to me that you would even bring up that transition is something we have any control over. Yes there are marriages that transition is the last straw. That there were other issues. I also personally know 10 transitioners that lost their marriage only due to the fact they needed to transition. I personally have met and talked with their ex's. Almost all thought they had a solid, loving marriage that would have stood. But the fact their husbands needed to transition. Put the nail in the coffin.

I m really sorry Jeri that your marriage dissolved. It is and will be painful for the foreseeable future. After the initial grieving period things will be better and you get to chart your own life. It will give you the freedom to be yourself.

[Eringirl]

Hi Cheryl: I appreciate your opinion and your situation, and while I cannot relate to it, I respect it. You have not lived in my shoes. I was married for 30 years, two wonderful daughters: strong, independent, successful, smart and beautiful. In my situation, my wife was going to be alone one way or another. Either divorced or widowed. My GD was that strong. So, everyone's story and situation is different, and I don't try to overlay my experiences on those of others. I am, however, empathetic to different circumstances (or at least I hope I am....)

[mechamoose]

What you have now is a recognition of what was already going on. You have wanted to avoid it, you just couldn't.

People grow and change. I'd much prefer a long time commitment, but there are no guarantees.

- MM

[Sandra]

Jeri I am sorry to hear this

Cheryl

You know what you really don't understand what being a transsexual means, if you did then you wouldn't make these comments which at times are hurtful.

You must have found your boundary and balance well good for you, now stop pushing it at the others who are having a more difficult time of it.

[mechamoose]

You know what you really don't understand what being a transsexual means, if you did then you wouldn't make these comments which at times are hurtful.

typo perhaps?

One of my biggest wishes is for a 'live' version of 'Running Up That Hill'

It doesn't hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You, it's you and me.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,

I wish I could flip a switch and be M or F every day!

- MM

[Christina Kay]

So sorry Jeri. My thoughts and prayers are with you .
Christina

[Anne2345]

sorry to hear of your pending divorce..this is the reason why i won't transition..

No, you're wrong, Cheryl. The reason why you won't transition is because you are NOT transsexual. You have no business even being included in the discussion about transition, much less sitting at the table, Cheryl.

I say this not to be mean, because if being mean were my intent, I could say SOOOOO many different things to you right now it would light your ass up like a Christmas tree. But I'm not going to do that no matter how completely devoid of compassion you are, and no matter how insulting you come across.

Because the fact of the matter is that, despite your insistence to the contrary, you have absolutely NO understanding about ANY of these issues. Your words convey a complete and total lack of comprehension. I mean, had you even the slightest clue and even the slightest bit of understanding about these things, you would not write 95% of the stuff you post here.

Divorce is hard, whether you are transsexual or cisgender. My divorce was final just a couple of weeks ago. It was hard as hell, and it was hard on my ex. But that is the risk I took when I "chose" to transition, Cheryl. And by "chose," what I really mean is that I had no other viable option.

But YOU get to choose, Cheryl. And you get to choose because you are not transsexual. Which is GREAT for you!!! You should be ecstatic and happy as hell!!! Because transition is nothing to play around with. It's serious business, and it's not for you. Would that I could have remained a part-time crossdressing dude like you, I would have taken that option in a heart beat. I would still have my family, my career, my financial security, the security of my future, my friends, my former place within my community, and on and on and on. Oh, I would still have all of those things that YOU get to keep and have, because you CHOOSE to keep and have them all! But in this, those things are now my past. I no longer have those things anymore, Cheryl, because I am NOT like you, and you are NOT like me.

Try something novel and try showing a little compassion and sympathy to Jeri and the others here, why don't ya for once?? And if you can't do that, then why don't you take your posts over to the crossdresser's section where you actually have a really decent, legitimate shot at understanding what's going on over there . . . .

i chose to get married and have kids with my s.o. and will not jepordise my relationship..over the last 16 yrs i've read alot of stories like this and cant figure it out,if you chose to get married in the first place you should find a boundry where you can find balance without destroying everything you worked to achieve..i guess somethings just don;t make sense to me..

Yup. You just can't figure it out, can ya? And you never will. Not on THIS issue, at least . . .

[Badtranny]

.this is the reason why i won't transition..i chose to get married and have kids with my s.o. and will not jepordise my relationship..over the last 16 yrs i've read alot of stories like this and cant figure it out,if you chose to get married in the first place you should find a boundry where you can find balance without destroying everything you worked to achieve....

This is why I'm skeptical of all of these 'Transsexuals' that have decided not to transition, yet insist that they be included as 'one of us' because after all, they feel the same torment us transsexuals feel, and they totally identify as a woman, and whatnot.

The reality of not feeling right in your body is something that only people who have 'risked it all' can understand. I've said this a million times, I did NOT grow up crossdressing. I didn't discover the real joys of getting dolled up and flirting with men until sometime around 2009. I never equated my deep seeded gender issues with women's clothes, or drag queens or anything. I was incredibly naive and ignorant about all of this stuff, but when I discovered this forum and was able to finally put a name to my elusive problem, I was on the transition track within a couple of years. I blew up a perfectly good life simply because I wanted to stop hiding my true self from the world. Would I have done the same if I was still married? Well, I came out as gay to my second wife and that ended that, so if I would have known that the root of my problem wasn't that I liked men, but that I wasn't really a man, then I probably would have come out as transgender instead. Either way, she would have been gone.

My point is that we transition in SPITE of our circumstance because we are finally compelled to take off the mask and feel the sun on our face. Nobody embarks on a damn gender transition lightly. People spend YEARS gathering the courage to live an authentic life and then they quickly find they need even more courage to deal with a world that can't possibly understand their motivations. I don't fault you Cheryl for not understanding, how in the world could you? We don't even understand ourselves.

There is one thing we know. We know we're free. We don't hide, our names are changed, our closet doors have been removed at the hinges. We are finally free to just be.

[Rachel Smith]

In an effort to right the ship so to speak. It is a big price to pay but many here, myself included, have paid it. While I am sorry to hear about your pending divorce after the pain and hurt is gone I only hope you find the happiness that being free brought to me and others here. If you need anything don't be afraid to ask. Stay strong girl.

[Paulette]

Stay strong and know that many here will be praying for you. Try to stay on the high road and know that a lot of the things that get said during a divorce is just the hurt both parties are feeling at the time.

[STACY B]

Anne and Melissa are Right on,, See 2 people 2 different aspects of this Crap,, Like Anne said I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have stayed a Crossdresser! For sure,, We REALLY don't know what the Hell this is like Melissa said. Who in there right mind would pick this Crap ? Not Me !!

Hell I made being an Alpha Male look easy ,,, Maybe I should have been an Actor and just missed my calling ? Hell we got Married, Had kids, Killer Jobs, Great family's , Great friends , Man Hobbies, Did EVERYTHING,,, I mean EVERYTHING we could to STOP IT !! STOP I said STOP,, I want to be like everybody else I said,, PLEASE,, PLEASE,, Don't put THIS CRAP on ME !

We tried, Church,, Drugs,, Alcohol,, Dangerous Hobbies, Dangerous jobs, Scare it out,, Drink it out,, Drive it away,, Like the others said if your NOT TRANS YOU don't UNDERSTAND this and can't understand this and will never understand this ,, We tried everything we could think of to be NORMAL,,,,,

We ran out of options and the only thing left was you know what,, Check out time,, And with that being said that is NOT a cure,, That does not solve it ether ,, It just passes the PAIN OFF to your love ones !

An if you LOVE someone WHY would you want them to feel PAIN like the Hell we went through ? If we get a divorce at least us and the family can be repaired over time. So tip toe around subjects that are not even known to the ones they pertain too.

Sorry for your Divorce ,, You will live to see another day and Love and Laugh, So let the healing begin,, Good luck my friend .

[I Am Paula]

I'm sorry that this is such a common outcome of being real. I hope you can get thru it.
I was certain a month ago that mine was a goner, but we are giving it another try. No guarantees.