In two weeks I’m heading to the Seahorse Ball in Sydney and it brings back memories of this time last year. I re-read some of my old posts telling how, around this time I could not last twelve days without dressing but was unable to bring myself to even browse the women’s clothing, let alone purchase any.
Even though I had bought a ticket, I was scared stiff that I would be unable to walk out of the hotel room door and spend the night in embarrassing isolation in my room. (In the end I had to rely on another girl helping me out of the door.)
Prior to that my only ‘public exposure’ was at the local social group that I would sneak out to, even driving hiding under a hooded jumper. I would shop only online, although work officially knew, most of my colleagues didn’t. My lovely SO was still in an ‘I don’t care, but I don’t want to see it’ mentality and when dressed at home alone, I feared the knock at the door.
I hated feeling like that, almost embarrassed by my fears…
One year later:
• I now shop often, in boy or girl mode and there are a few SA’s who know me by name, have selections put aside for me and even one who wants to come out with the group when next we party.
• Everyone knows… work, neighbors, motorcycle club, even the others parents at the kids sport.
• I leave diamond studs in my ears and one or two fingernails painted at work, socially and at home. The nails get painted in a beauty salon in either girl or boy depending on circumstances.
• I’ve spent days dressed, travelling without taking anything boy.
• I’ll head out to any venue, with practically any crowd at practically anytime.
Now, I bring this up because of the last few weeks… The drive to Melbourne and parties down there surprised me in that I was not able to tell if anyone noticed me. I had tried my hardest to blend, dressed appropriately, made my self up appropriately, walked and talked as best as I could.
Last weekend I went out to dinner with the poor persistent fellow I talked about a few weeks ago (OK, so I said I wouldn’t and that’s another story) and again no one appeared to notice, care or react. I even went out to a local club where one of my work colleagues teaches dance. I met all her friends and, although some were told many were not and they were all totally nonchalant. This got me thinking. I was sure I was not that good, to tall, to big, to male… Could it just be that everyone was perfectly polite or what. I mean even Isha gets ‘clocked’ and ends up talking to strangers about what we are up to.
So last night was probably the first of several little social experiments I’m going to conduct. I want to know what reactions will be when I’m clearly a bloke in a frock, not trying to hide, not trying to blend. I did everything I could to reveal myself. I dressed in a sequined mini dress and outrageous heels, I slow danced with my wife, limited drinks to beer, walked like a bloke in heels, used my normal voice and even used the urinals in the male toilet. I could have been an extra from Pricilla Queen of the Desert!
Reactions were many… Some chose to ignore, some had a laugh, many tried to joke… Women strangers dragged me into so many pictures with them, so many danced with me. Some men tried to chat me up (hey, I scored a few free drinks) whilst others wanted to dance… The toilet experience was very strange. Even when there was a queue, no one used the urinals to either side of me; some of the comments were hushed abuse, some even a little threatening. It was funny watching some men double-checking the door when seeing me fixing my lippy just to be certain they were not in the wrong one!
Whilst I never felt threatened or in danger, I certainly met every stare with a smile and took not a single backward step. My SO had a wonderful time; we had not been to a ‘disco’ in decades and probably last danced together at our wedding, nearly twenty years ago.
I got to speak to many people, explained who I was and why I was dressed like I was. I think I did my small bit to help educate the masses. (And had a great time doing it.)
What I have learned so far… Well most people will ignore you no matter how you look. Providing you don’t impose too far, they won’t care. If you don’t directly impact on them they will not care what you look like.
Now I realize I’m probably a little out of the ordinary when it comes to the CD/TG/TS community, a risk taking adrenalin junkie with no fear and win at all costs attitude but if this is how far I’ve come in twelve months, what the hell does the future have in stock!!!
Year ago I said ‘look out world, here I come’, well I guess they heeded that warning!!!
A few nudges, hushed laughs and probably a few jibes "You were checking our her legs bro not me". I politely smiled back, they looked a bit awkward because I had caught them in mid jest at which point one of them nodded in a apologetic manner and they retreated into their own world again. Point is, a year ago I would have been crushed and probably would have got off at the next stop, now . . . I don't really care. When I am dressed I am a woman . . . okay not a pretty gal by any stretch of the imagination but I am still a woman and that is all that counts to me. 
