me

[cheryl reeves]

im not going to hijack the thread marriage is over,so going to start a new one...
so here is my reply to those that got hateful with me for what i posted..first thing yall do not know me since im still a fairly new member,i have tried to be upfront about me,and my experiences so yall can get to know me..i know i have a bad habit of stomping on toes for my bluntness,but thats me i say it how i see it..let me inform the uneducated not all ts's transition period,i have dealt with gender issues before they started to come out with those fancy labels..i was a firstclass drunk and hard drug addict by the time i was 17,i was wasted the last 3 yrs of high school,i went into the army at the age of 20 to try to conform being male,was sent home 3 mo later due to a disability. i eventually landed in fl. living with my best friend,we stayed wasted for 6 mo. i grew tired of being wasted so was fixing to find my own place,then angie (my wife of 27 yrs.)called and asked if she can come visit,i told her some of what i was going through and she didnt care. angie woke me up to what i wanted,the things i couldnt have if i went through with transitioning,the main thing kids,companionship with a woman that loves me for me...i still deal with g.d. but i face my problems head on,never had my use for therapy got betrayed in my younger yrs on that one,just like dentists dont trust them....

the thing i dont understand is if you have g.d. so bad so to want to transition why get married and have kids knowing full well what that outcome is going to be like..i know some stay married just to have companionship but seperate rms and seperate lives,but those are rare for most wives its divorce and destroying you and alienating you from your kids. my wife tells me that its because ts's try to man up and show the world how macho or productive you are in a mans world..me i never cared for that crap,i worked alot of jobs that was gender neutral for i never really got the grasp of the mans world thing..people who know me think im kinda strange for i dont fit in,i walk my own path...so to the ones who say you have to transition to be ts i say your full of it,some cant for healrh reasons,you going to say they arent trans enough...go look at my pics they sure do not fit the mold of man in a dress,ive always been mistaken for female,so i got stupid and started dry shaving took 4 yrs to grow a mustache,beard grows in patches and is like steel wool..i never had man boobs but breasts,i could transition without all the money spending b.s. and do it cheap,all i have to do is stay shaved which is every 2-3 days,heck i have a step sis who grows better facial hair then me...i know who i am,some of you still dont know who you are...
cheryl reeves

[arbon]

Okay. Sure.....can we move on now?

edit: oh I can't help it. Your trying so hard to be validated as a TS by the people here. Why? What is so important about it? It really has nothing to do with being transsexual or not anyway. You live as a man. That is your life, what you have chosen. GD or not. A man is how you are identified out there in the real world, no matter how you may feel about yourself inside. It is like what BT says if we met in the real world you would meet me, a woman. I would not be a transsexual, or transgender, or a crossdresser. But a woman. And you would be a man.

You want to be a TS who does not not transition then that is your deal, I really don't care. But don't keep judging us that have transitioned. That is what you keep doing. Is it because you are not comfortable enough with who you are? That is what is really irritating to some of us.

[becky77]

'You say it how you see it'
Problem is, how you see it doesn't make it true.

You appear to have one opinion and nothing will change that, regardless of who you offend.

Imagine I see a really fat person on the street, who has suffered a chronic disease that has riddled their body with fat cells.
Because in my limited experience all I know is that people are fat because they are greedy, and I say that to that person.
Is that ok?
It's wrong and insulting, but if that's how I see it, makes it ok right?

[Zooey]

i know i have a bad habit of stomping on toes for my bluntness,but thats me i say it how i see it..

I don't think you're all that blunt - I think you're ignorant of a number of things. Blunt and ignorant are not the same thing. Badtranny is blunt, but she's usually right, and has a set of experiences to back up her words. I said it before, in another post where I tried to make sense of all of this - I think you are fundamentally unaware of some of the things a lot of us have gone through. I don't care whether that makes you TS or not, but it definitely means you can't understand a lot of our positions here.

Also, with respect to bluntness, the "I'm a country girl and I say it how i see it" thing is BS. Having lived in various degrees of "country" in the past, I feel confident saying that mutual respect isn't isolated to city folk...

the thing i dont understand is if you have g.d. so bad so to want to transition why get married and have kids knowing full well what that outcome is going to be like..

Many of us spend the better part of our lifetimes trying desperately to make "normal" or "the status quo" work. Sometimes along the way you fall in love, and people get hurt. It sucks - believe me, we know.

so to the ones who say you have to transition to be ts i say your full of it,some cant for healrh reasons,you going to say they arent trans enough...

I don't think anybody needs HRT or surgery to be TS. People also don't strictly need those things to transition, although they can help. "Medical transition" is just one aspect of transition, and is not a strictly necessary one. If somebody cannot do that for health reasons then I feel sad for them, but that doesn't necessarily prevent them from transitioning.

[Sandra]

the thing i dont understand is if you have g.d. so bad so to want to transition why get married and have kids knowing full well what that outcome is going to be like..
cheryl reeves

See again you seem to think that all ts are like this. Nigella presented as a cder for most of her life we got married and had a daughter, and it wasn't until a few years ago that she realised she was in fact TS, she didn't have the GD as bad as a lot do.

You say we don't know you and you're right we don't all we know is what you have posted ion here...but the same goes for the members here you don't know them but yet you expect them to be like you, I've said this before you really don't have any understanding of what it means to be TS and by that I don't mean that you have to have surgery to be TS you just don't understand all the rest that goes with being TS this shows in your posts and comments.

EDIT

Wanted to add that after therapy Nigella was told that she has been TS from a very young age, this was after talking about her childhood and how she felt, there is a lot more but I'll let Nigella post about it if she wants to, but I doubt it will make any difference to you as you seem set in your ways.

[Rachelakld]

I knew a straight man, good wife, good kids, at 55 he changed to gay.
I knew a straight guy, had 10 girls in 2 years, got fed up with females B.S., and entered the gay world.

So what's the point...... who made the rule that what you think at the age 3 MUST be same at 23, 43 or 63?
Life changes, our POV changes, we change, we grow, we follow what ever path we think at any ONE time is the best, sometimes we even visit therapist to help bounce ideas off (is it wrong to seek other peoples views or expectations on life?)

Saying something as you see it, means you haven't looked at alternative ways of seeing
Imagine you see a square above you, but someone (a Therapist maybe?) on a hill, will see you standing directly under a cube - Your square is still "real" to you, because you can't see how high it goes and not wanting to seek other information - it becomes your reality.

So instead of being ridged, and demanding life be as you see it, think beyond that, see beyond that, be open to more possibilities and you will see the greatness of each life and each event.

[Megan G]

Cheryl,

If you want to identify as a non transitioning transsexual have at it, I could care less as it does not affect me in anyway but the lack of empathy for others that are actually transitioning makes me question your self identification, I am not sure you realize what a transsexual really is.

You say you face your problems head on, well WTF do you think those of us that are transitioning and "risking it all" are doing? Running from our problems? What we are doing is facing our problems head on, we are dealing with a medical problem that there is no known cure for.

Yes I did get married, yes I did have children, and then I hit the transition or die moment. I tired dealing with my issues head on thru various coping methods and they were not enough. You are very judgemental of us that are married and yet had to pull the pin in the Tranny Grenade (tm).

You said that you wanted to inform the uneducated that not all TS's transition. I believe this as I know some but it is you that I believe is the uneducated one and needs to spend a little time learning about how diverse the community really is before you go spewing all this crap.

You keep claiming that you were a drug addict, had alcohol issues and have even mentioned suicide in one of your posts. You are preaching to the wrong crowd as most of us have been there.

[I Am Paula]

I knew deep down by my teens I was trans, but identified as a gay male crossdresser. I also hid that under a mountain of denial. In part of my hyper macho phase I wore itchy work shirts, and threw peanut shells on the floor of the bar. I've married 3 women (not all at once!), and even considered starting a family at one point. Looking back, what a crock! Until I began transition, everything in my life was a charade to look normal to other people.
No matter how bad the GD, I wasn't ready to transition until I was fifty three, and I got so good at playing at being male, sometimes I even believed it myself, and those were the brilliant moments I would say to myself 'I know, I'll get married and start a family'. Dumb ass.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are hilarious.

you attack and judge others, you are ignorant and you project that on others.

most here are trying to help, you seem to be here to beat your chest and insult those of us that transitioned..

you actually have zero concept of what successful and happy transsexuals do when they transition..

nobody actually cares whether you are ts or not, they are just trying to share and help..


So here you go...congrats, you are a non transitioning transsexual.
Just enjoy your sex life and move on

[cheryl reeves]

the prob is i am not judging or attacking,i just state an opinion and i get attacked for voicing my opinion instead of lying and making nice..like the marriage is over posting,i voiced my opinion on if you gave g.d. so bad why get married in the first place fully aware that if you do decide to transition your in danger of imploding your marriage..that was not an attack,the replies back were attacks and being judgemental..just like here in this post ..so if voicing an opinion is wrong,im sorry. the reason for this post was because some of you claim i have no clue to what being trans is like..for me its been a waking nitemare since i was little,always dreaming of waking up as a woman,then the nitmare sets in along with reality. like i said before i chose to be married and have kids,i told angie before we got married,she accepted me,even in acceptance i still went behind her back and dressed constantly til our son started to say not the momma. i love my wife so much that if i had to choose between cheryl and her,angie would win everytime,but thats me..

[Kaitlyn Michele]

that's not an opinion...that's an attack in the form of a question...the question is that attack...

and ironically the actual answer is that we were all just like you (minus the arrogance and belligerence)...we loved our wives so much, maybe more than you...we thought we had it won...we thought we could replace the emptiness with love and work and other manly things... we fought and fought...

and here you are making the assertion in the form of a question that anybody that gets married and then later things change did something wrong, that we didn't love our wives enough...that we didn't treasure our sex lives enough(ugh)..etc..


I am judging you...based on your posts and your attitude you have no idea what's coming down the road for you if you are transsexual.

If you are ts you have no idea what its going to be like in 5 yrs..10ys....its nemesis, its a juggernaut...its unstoppable and forever..
it gets worse and worse...

you may not have thought about this, but you should..

ts people often feel in their earlier years the exact way you do....you love your family, you love your sex life...you don't want to lose anything...its all talk...its nothing..

you will find out how all that trash talk about loving your wife so much becomes "dust in your mouth" as someone said on another thread... if you are ts, you will find out.

and with your belligerence and arrogance, it will be worse for you because there will be a lot more sand..


you got burned once in therapy so you denigrate that even tho its helped countless people..

[Zooey]

Just to be clear, you are absolutely judging. Whether you're attacking or not is only slightly more debatable... People who say "I'm not judging, but..." usually are. It's like "no offense, but..."

Incidentally, Donald Trump has been catching a lot of flak lately for "just stating some opinions" about Mexican people. I'll let my Latino friends know it's actually okay, because he wasn't really judging or attacking - "just stating some opinions".

[cheryl reeves]

so asking questions is being judgemental and attacking? something wrong there..as for loving your wives,but chosing to transition knowing thats the end of the marriage to me is selfish,and most didnt pay attention to the marriage vows and just mouthed the words knowing full well they were lying both to her and you..i applaud those who transition and are not married,but if your married and transition i start asking questions because your choosing your fem self over the love of your spouse,but thats my opinion...im going to be 50 in 26 days and like most of you its hell just getting out of bed and go face the world,but i do anyway and say look out world here i come..

[arbon]

Actually it is not hell for me to get out of bed face the world. I feel pretty good about myself and where I am. Lost wife and all....

[Megan G]

as for loving your wives,but chosing to transition knowing thats the end of the marriage to me is selfish,and most didnt pay attention to the marriage vows and just mouthed the words knowing full well they were lying both to her and you.

See there you go again Cheryl!! Your being extremely judgemental to those of us that are married and transitioned by saying that we were lying to each other when we made our wedding vows, that's low... That to me shows that you have no freeking clue about what Gender Dysphoria is truly like. Who knows maybe you have it on some small scale but to be honest after reading your posts I could not care any less..

Your not asking questions, your being extremely judgemental!! You just don't get it....

By the way my wife is still by my side....

[Dana44]

I knew when I was young i was very different. Went through life as a solid male knowing I was was different. Everybody here is different in their walk of life. We loved our women, raised families and knew one day that it must change. I know who I am and what I am. I face the world every day with my lover and try to make sense of our issues. I am sure there is a lot here like that, we try to help each other than post an attack question. Of course we know who we are.

[LeaP]

Cheryl,

Just to see what happens, I'm going to take your comment seriously.

You have now said several times that you do not understand how someone can get married and then transition. But rather than trying to persuade you with a barrage of philosophical and psychological argumentation, or a bunch of facts and stats, let me approach it differently.

Your self-justification depends on several themes that you have repeated. One is that you like male-female sex. Another is the psychological and emotional intimacy of the marital relationship. A third is children. And the last that I will cite is self-sacrifice.

As to divorce itself, there is a very strong opinion here that most people who transition get divorced. Based on posts here, that has anecdotal support. My therapist, however, says this is a myth. Most of her trans clients, and she has been practicing for appx. 30 years, have remained married. Of those who do divorce, not all divorce because of transition, either. But the unexamined assumption in your position is that it is the person who transitions that initiates the divorce. In most of the cases where I know the couple, and most about whom I have read, it is the spouse that initiates the divorce – not the transitioner.

That alone renders much of your position irrelevant. But consider self-sacrifice for a moment. You are essentially saying that a TS should sacrifice their own needs in favor of the marriage. This can only mean one of two things: either there is no transition need, or the relationship cannot be worked out on equal terms. I imply no judgment in the latter case. In fact, I think transition introduces at least the possibility of an irreconcilable difference in many cases.

But I also think that you misunderstand transition need completely. One reason is that you consistently use the word "want" when you refer to transition. There are people who are not transsexual who transition. It's fair at some level to say that they want transition in the sense that you mean. Perhaps some of them want this despite the potential impact on their marriages. Maybe, maybe not. That would be speculation on my part and I'm not going there.

What I can tell you is that although I think choice plays a role from a responsibility standpoint with transsexuals, that it is only a choice in the sense of accepting what must be – not a choice among alternatives. Self-sacrifice can be noble in some circumstances. But no one has the right to demand, even by expectation, of anyone else. This is particularly true when it comes to life itself. And whether we are talking about physical life and death or psychological life or death doesn't matter to me at all. A lot of transsexuals "want" to transition. A lot of people dying of emphysema "want" to breathe, too.

But you see, whatever you might have sacrificed, it is not a sacrifice of your self per se. By your own statements, you actually value what you have kept more than the things you have foregone.

Children? Limited thinking on your part. One may adopt. One may bank sperm. In fact, the latter is very common therapeutic advice. Many lesbian couples have children. Even among those who give birth to their own, clearly there is outside assistance for the fertilization! So was your desire to father children sacrifice of any sort? Or was it the Burger King approach… "Have it your way"? The same applies to sex itself. You have focused on what you desire, what you value, not your wife. There is no sacrifice involved.

To the extent that you are referring to relationships with children post transition, while there are people who have issues, the majority report good relationships with their children. Many report better relationships!

You are blunt, Cheryl. I have no problem with bluntness. I grew up in New England, where it is a highly valued trait. Even a simple discussion within my extended family can be a brutal experience for the unprepared or cultural outsider. Like all rhetorical devices and like revenge, bluntness is best served cold. That is, by choice, for calculated effect, and with skill. Simply blasting out opinions is not being blunt, it is being rude. You don't perceive the rudeness and judgment in your statements, despite being repeatedly told. All of us have our moments. A decent person corrects their course at some point.

All yours.

[Badtranny]

so asking questions is being judgemental and attacking?

Nope

,but chosing to transition knowing thats the end of the marriage to me is selfish,and most didnt pay attention to the marriage vows and just mouthed the words knowing full well they were lying both to her and you.

That is actually the definition of judgement right there.

.i applaud those who transition and are not married,but if your married and transition i start asking questions because your choosing your fem self over the love of your spouse,but thats my opinion...

Your opinion is noted, but this 'fem self' comment makes me think that your opinion isn't based on what an actual transitioner experiences. Trans women don't have a 'fem self'. I think this is maybe one of the most difficult issues for non trans people to grasp.

You see everybody is entitled to their opinion, but shouldn't that opinion be based in some kind of visceral experience? I could conceivably have plenty of opinions about space travel and whatnot, but I've never been in space or had any training in space travel so hopefully my bombastic opinions would be taken with a grain of salt.

[cheryl reeves]

well you were wanting me to be judgemental and attacking,so i posted what would have been judgemental and attacking to show the difference in a question and an opinion,just like they way im attacked for an opinion..i have a huge insight to g.d. and being stuck in it is a living nitemare,but my wife married terry and accepts cheryl,and knows i would have transitioned til i met her and made the hardest decision of my life but i dont regret it,for i have a companion who accepts my eccentricness,so why would i want to destroy her..alot of you are way more judgemental then i am on my best day,like you have something to prove by transitioning.

[arbon]

ugh...I don't think anyone here has encouraged you to transition.

alot of you are way more judgemental then i am on my best day,like you have something to prove by transitioning.

Thats priceless.. I am going out on a limb and I am going to be blunt. Your clueless.

[becky77]

if your married and transition i start asking questions because your choosing your fem self over the love of your spouse,.

For those of us that are TS we don't have a 'fem self', we also don't 'play the role' and we certainly didn't get married knowing we would transition!

You suggest our marriages were a sham and that we are deceitful, that is very rude and ignorant.
Guess what my wife knew I identified as female before we married, you know nothing of my marriage so please stop being judgemental.

So tell me, what is it that makes you TS? In what way do you suffer tell me more because so far I cannot relate to you in anyway.

[Anne2345]

Gender dysphoria?

You keep using those words. I do not think they mean what you think they mean.

And did you really just state that being transsexual is eccentric?? Seriously?? Did you just do that??!

I'll be the first to say to say it here, and I'll probably get jacked up for violating the rules of the forum, but you are idiot, Terry.

If you are *truly* living this god-awful terrible nightmare that was caused you to be a drunk and druggy earlier on in life and someone who can barely get the out of bed every goddamn morning, THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT OTHER THAN SPOUT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT OUT AT US!!!

I am completely SICK of your bullshit, just as EVERYBODY ELSE here is.

A living nightmare?? Are you KIDDING me?? You haven't a CLUE what a living nightmare is. Not as it relates to the *need* to transition, anyways. So just shut up about it all and go away.

OR, actually start LISTENING to what folk are saying around here and start taking it to heart . . . .

Either way, quit being a douchebag . . . . .

[Zooey]

well you were wanting me to be judgemental and attacking,so i posted what would have been judgemental and attacking to show the difference in a question and an opinion,just like they way im attacked for an opinion..i have a huge insight to g.d. and being stuck in it is a living nitemare,but my wife married terry and accepts cheryl,and knows i would have transitioned til i met her and made the hardest decision of my life but i dont regret it,for i have a companion who accepts my eccentricness,so why would i want to destroy her..alot of you are way more judgemental then i am on my best day,like you have something to prove by transitioning.

fry_trolls.jpg

Seriously, I really can't tell. You're either staggeringly ignorant of the condition you claim to have, or you are a troll of the highest order.

i was not married before beginning transition, but I did effectively end a 9 year long loving relationship. She knew that I had gender issues early in the relationship, but that doesn't mean it hurt any less when it ended. It still hurts. Ultimately though, it was not transition that ended it. It was the accumulation of all the frustration and occasional deception that came from mutually not wanting to hurt the other person by being true to ourselves. We remain friends.

[stefan37]

I can't actually believe you suggested we have something to prove by transitioning. You on the other hand seem to have a need to be accepted as TS. And need to prove something by not transitioning. There is a reason those that are questioning or have a need to transition post in this forum. They need solid advice from those that have been there. From hormones, legal name changes, divorce and socially integrating as the opposite of your birth sex.
I could identify as CD, gender fluid, or even an orangutan and I would be accepted in this subforum because I've socially transitioned. I have the life experience to pass along.
And for the life of me I can't understand why someone that is not nor has any intention of transitioning spends so much energy trying to be accepted as TS. Is our club must that popular?


Maybe the moderators will create a subforum for those that think they are TS and want to continue to live legally as a male.

[PaulaQ]

the thing i dont understand is if you have g.d. so bad so to want to transition why get married and have kids knowing full well what that outcome is going to be like..

Most of us didn't understand the likely outcome - we hoped against hope this would cure us, or had no idea what else to do. Hey, I like women, why wouldn't I marry one?

but those are rare for most wives its divorce and destroying you and alienating you from your kids.

Darlin', people get divorced all the flipping time. This isn't any different than any of those. It's really not - although some court jurisdictions can be more prejudicial in such cases sometimes.

so to the ones who say you have to transition to be ts i say your full of it,some cant for healrh reasons,you going to say they arent trans enough...

It's fine for you to be trans identified, and not transition. There is nothing stopping you from living your life as a woman, no medical transition required. Unfortunately, most places, this also means you can't legally transition either - so you'll have problems with your identity documents, and a whole raft of attendant hassles. A lot of us who do medically transition run into those same roadblocks, however, so even that wouldn't make you all that special.

You can transition by living your life as a woman, and telling people that's who you are. That's the hard part of transition. The medical part of this are simply tools some of us need to alleviate considerable misery in our lives.

The questions I have for you - and I'd like honest answers please:
1. Do you identify as a woman -- are you a woman?
2. If you say "yes" to #1 - why wouldn't you live your life as who you really feel yourself to be?

My answers, by the way, are:
1. Yes and yes.
2. I'd rather die than be anything other than the woman I know that I have always been.

If you an manage to live as a man part of the time, that's fine. Seriously, there are plenty of folks with identities or expressions that live just like that. They are no better or worse than any of us girls on this forum. They are simply different. Hey, I don't blame you for not transitioning if you didn't feel a desperate need to do it. It is totally OK for the answer to #1 to be "not a woman" - that doesn't imply that you identify as a man, either. There are many types of trans identities. You may simply have a non-binary identity. Or perhaps you are solidly male identified, and just have this incomprehensible need to present as a woman sometimes.

I actually think it's more likely the former, rather than the latter - you are feminine identified, non-binary, possibly gender fluid. This makes you different than the rest of us on the forum here - by and large the ladies here are highly binary identified - we are women, period. Some of us are WAAAY on the feminine end of the spectrum, others closer to the center, but all of us suffer sufficient GD to make transition worth it. If you haven't suffered such (and being non-binary by no means suggests that you haven't - I know some NB people who suffer debilitating GD), and don't need to transition, then congrats. You didn't get this as bad as some of the rest of us.

This doesn't make you better than us, just different, and kind of lucky, in my opinion.