Am I in denial?

[mikeyp]

I'm 22 years old and for the past year I've been masturbating in women's clothing, which seems rather common around these parts. Well, the problem is that is seems like I have so much shame after I do it and it seems to build up over time to where now I have this incredible Anxiety and OCD about 2 hours after I do it. I'll start to tell myself, I must be a transexual because I like women's clothing and it really turns me on like no other form of masturbation seemed to be able to do, well actually I also fetishized diapers, which seemed to go hand in hand with this fetish, at least for me but that's another story.

Anyway, I'll look online googling, "how does one know if they're trans?" and I'll also be looking at trans forums where they'll describe crossdressing as like the gateway to one day becoming a woman, the story just seems to be all too common. So I'll try not to masturbate for 2 days and the urge to feel feminine will come on so strong, like my mind will be screaming at me to get release. I just don't want to feel tat shame afterward that seems to get worse and worse every time. I haven't been able to eat well in days and the world to me almost doesn't seem real as it used to. I can't talk to friends anymore because the thought of being transexual is always in the back of my mind.

Now I'm not saying there is anything particularly wrong with taking hormones just, if I could I know I'd want to stay in a male body. I've looked at several gender disphoria symptoms and most describe hating your genitals and body hair, which isn't always the case and feeling like you were supposed to be born a girl, which I haven't ever directly thought to myself and I don't at all hate my genitals but I do remember my first sexual experience being in my mom's dress and panties when I was around 12. Anyway, I did end up telling my mother about my crossdressing and masturbation habits because it was eating away at me like no other, just I'm still scared that subconsciously I want to become a woman.

I took the COGIATI test and truthfuly answered the questions and got a -105, which is androgyne gender. Makes sense I guess, I was never unhappy being a male but I always looked at transformation storys of men changing bodies with pretty girls with nice butts/boobs and I liked reading erotic stories. I just wish I could pleasure myself without feeling that kind of crippling Anxiety without feeling that level of Anxiety/ obsessive thoughts afterwards because it was fun. Sorry for my wall of text as well, just so confused right now. A little background on me is that my mind tends to fixate on things that are not true, for example, 5 years ago I used to freak out about "accidentally" killing myself, i'd avoid knives and I also used to fear that my breathing would stop or that I would choke on whatever food I was eating.

[gailbridges]

One of the problems these days that issues are very polarizing.
Politically.... socially...
These days Transgender people are getting more attention and the general population are becoming aware of their existence.
On one hand.... GREAT!
On the other..... maybe not so great.
It's become far too easy to think we belong in a certain category. It's convenient that just because you do X, Y, and Z that you must be a certain way.
Where did you get that idea?
The media? The internet?... yeah, probably.
Is it true? My guess is.... "Not very likely". I just re-read part of your post. You remind me of first-year medical students who think they have just contracted the diseases they've been studying.

Look, you're young. And just because you spank the monkey while dressed doesnt mean that you are transexual. I mean, you might be, but you probably aren't. You're only 22 and you have found a FUN way to get off. Don't read too much into it. Seriously. I highly recommend getting out of the house, getting off the computer, and getting out there and having a fun life. Sure, wearing women's clothes can be part of it, and if it goes beyond dressing and jerkin' the gherkin', then take it as it comes and deal with it then.

As far as anxiety and Obsession, we've all been there. If you must, go see a shrink and tell them whats been on your mind. They might put you on an anti-anxiety pill, but frankly, most people don't need drugs.
Eat healthier, get some exercise, and do something non-dressing. Maybe some yoga.

Honestly, If I could go back in time and prevent myself from discovering this 'hobby', I'd go back in a second. It's not worth obsessing over.

What a LOT of people don't understand is that the world is NOT merely black and white.... there are many shades of gray.
And you can shape your future. It's not just THIS or THAT. You can find your niche, and it will take time to get to that point.

Just keep in mind..... of all the things that you've worried about and obsessed over.... has anything bad happened?
I'm guessing "not really". The sun rose again the next day. And life goes on whether you obsess or not.
Sooo.... try NOT obsessing. What's the point of it?

Lastly, there sounds like significant guilt going on. I hope that's not religion-induced, cuz that shit is wicked.
best,
Gail

[Katey888]

Hi Mikey and welcome...

Quite an open and forthright first post and clearly you are anxious about what you are feeling... but I think you're connecting the dots in a very confused manner - so probably best to slow down, step back and if you can, probably wouldn't hurt to seek some direct counselling over this. I'm not saying you need 'therapy' - but I'd be concerned you're obsessing a lot about this and it might help to talk to someone directly...

You seem to have identified that you exhibit fetishistic tendencies which doesn't mean you're TS... it doesn't mean you're not, but it seems unlikely. Sexual release is more common than admitted with this condition, I think - because it's kind of icky to discuss, but it happens more when younger (and it's not unknown when older, either.. ). Gail's suggestion that you get out a bit more and away from the web is a good one... possibly the best idea - but try to find a professional to talk to as well as I feel you would really benefit from some direct support... Try not to feel ashamed about all this: that's also a common feeling and a tough one to overcome, but does you absolutely no good.

Be calm - don't beat yourself up - seek help.

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Mickey,

I can only shadow what Katey said as her advice is very sound. Calm yourself and breath as we all go through the same thing when we discover we are slightly different from those around us. Fetishistic dressing and sexual release are more common than you think in the CDer world and nothing to be ashamed of if it brings you joy. The shame you are feeling afterwards again . . . very common theme as it is hard to rationalize being a male and dressing up like a woman then getting sexually aroused . . . can short circuit the old ego a bit.

While the internet can be a great place to garner information about a subject, you need to take all information with a grain of salt. While many transsexuals (those who wish to become the other gender) begin with cross dressing, not all cross dressers become transsexuals . . . in other words CDing is not a gateway activity to transition. You have a lot of anxiety and what I assume chaos in your life right now so by all means learn a bit about the subject but I would think about perhaps seeing a professional who specialized in gender identity issues as they would be better suited to help you bring order to chaos and allow you to move forward.

Cheers

Isha

[Vickie_CDTV]

You are attracted to and get aroused simply because you have a fetish for womens' clothes, not necessarily because you are a transsexual. If you have not had feelings of gender dysphoria in the first 20 years of your life, you are probably not a transsexual, and that is a good thing. Some people have a tendency to have fetishes for some reason or another (and it is something those who do not have fetishes, such as for womens' clothing, really don't understand on a personal level.)

The COGIATI test is not scientific and is just a lot of bunk, like some test in an issue of Cosmo or something.

[mykell]

hello and welcome,
this is more common than folks will admit so dont go beating yourself up about it, are you in denial, i think you know what you like and may be a little narcissistic when dressed, your young and still have many many life issues to deal with.....career.....relationship.....this will not be the end of the world, many here have dealt with the shame and guilt from feeling right wearing clothes from the opposite gender....being you are 22 just keep in mind this is a marathon and not a sprint, joining here even though it was late in life for me was the best thing that i ever did, you may want to seek out a local support group if you cant afford or are to timid to seek professional counseling....but i think it would be best for you to talk to a professional....whats the worst that can happen....you feel good about yourself perhaps.....

im glad that you felt comfortable enough to share that with us here and hope that just getting some support here helps a little bit too.....your more normal than you think....

[mikeyp]

You are attracted to and get aroused simply because you have a fetish for womens' clothes, not necessarily because you are a transsexual. If you have not had feelings of gender dysphoria in the first 20 years of your life, you are probably not a transsexual, and that is a good thing....

Hi Mickey,

I can only shadow what Katey said as her advice is very sound. Calm yourself and breath as we all go through the same thing when we discover we are slightly different from those around us. ...

Hi Mikey and welcome...

Quite an open and forthright first post and clearly you are anxious about what you are feeling... but I think you're connecting the dots in a very confused manner - so probably best to slow down, step back and if you can, probably wouldn't hurt to seek some direct counselling over this. ...

One of the problems these days that issues are very polarizing.
Politically.... socially...
These days Transgender people are getting more attention and the general population are becoming aware of their existence.
On one hand.... GREAT!
On the other..... maybe not so great.
..l

Awesome replies so far guys. I did say I spoke to my mother about this, since she is the person I can pretty much tell anything and she said she'd do whatever she could to help me see a therapist. I've had Anxiety and OCD since I was 16, crippling sometimes. It wasn't really until this year that I started masturbating actually, no lie. Yeah though, I've never felt as though I should've been a woman truthfully but it's hard to convince myself that I'm not something when my sexuality tells me that women's clothing and really feminine things turn me on. But yeah, I do remember finding erotic stories on the internet when I was like 13 and I think I had wet dreams about the show powerpuff girls a looong time ago as well.

I've never really asked myself if I was uncomfortable in the body I was in. I think for me it's merely the fact that I feel like announcing I was transexual would end my life, it's the stigma. My dad is an extremely conservative muslim but he was never around, it was always my mom. I have heard though that mental illness could be an indirect result of gender disphoria though and that freaks me out as well, but I could also attribute that to being bullied in high school for being a pretty fat, short kid and having an extremely low self esteem.

Again though, thanks for your replies. They helped ease my mind a lot but I guess it's time I get my depression/anxiety sorted out once and for all by a therapist.

[kimdl93]

First, ignore the stupid COGATI test...it's meaningless. From what you have shared, you may have a sexual fetish involving both the lingerie items and thoughts about transsexualism. That doesn't make you transsexual. Stop worrying about that and start dealing with what is unhealthy...the notion that you particular sexual expression is wrong. It's different, but not wrong. But becoming obsessed with anything can become destructive.

And then, look at the impact of the anxiety and shame on your life. Is it causing you problems...do you have a girlfriend, other social connections, a job? Seriously consider talking with a therapist about your anxiety, shame and tendency towards OCD. He or she can help.

[NicoleScott]

I like women's clothes, makeup, high heels, pretty hair, etc. - on women. It excites me, and I see that as a male response. So much so, that I wanted more of that feeling. I could get that feeling whenever I wanted by dressing up. The more over-the-top feminine I made myself, the greater the male response. I love dressing up, but I don't want it on any other terms than how it is now, just guy who loves to dress up and the pleasure it brings.
When you accept how you are, the guilt and shame goes away.

[mikeyp]

You are attracted to and get aroused simply because you have a fetish for womens' clothes, not necessarily because you are a transsexual. If you have not had feelings of gender dysphoria in the first 20 years of your life, you are probably not a transsexual,

Nope. No direct feelings of dysphoria all my life, unless being jealous of cute girls that get to wear sexy clothing all of the time is dysphoria. I'm also attracted to really girly girls for some reason or another, or really skimpy dressed girls. Who knows though I guess. I hope it is just a fetish though, not that there's anything wrong with changing your gender, but because I would most likely lose my family.

hello and welcome,
this is more common than folks will admit so dont go beating yourself up about it, are you in denial, i think you know what you like and may be a little narcissistic when dressed, your young and still have many many life issues to deal with.....career.....relationship.....this will not be the end of the world, many here have dealt with ...
im glad that you felt comfortable enough to share that with us here and hope that just getting some support here helps a little bit too.....your more normal than you think....

I have had major depression for a long time, so I haven't gotten almost anywhere in life so far, though I am starting school again this semmester and ironically my major is psychology. I'm honestly hoping that a counselor can help me with my mental issues though.. simply because they're becoming too much to bare. I recently got fired from my job because of my instability.... the serious obsession over whether I am trans or not actually started around a week ago lol and if it isn't one obsession then it's another....

...
When you accept how you are, the guilt and shame goes away.

...

And then, look at the impact of the anxiety and shame on your life. Is it causing you problems...do you have a girlfriend, other social connections, a job? Seriously consider talking with a therapist about your anxiety, shame and tendency towards OCD. He or she can help.

My Anxiety and obsessions have caused me major problems for years and I actually feel as though the only time I get to feel good about myself is during masturbation.. hence the addiction. I tend to really fixate on certain things, making me unable to live my life the way I'd otherwise want to. I just feel trapped in a cycle of constant, self defeating thoughts that I just can't get away from on my own. I have probably spent the entire month since I've gotten fired, in my room and I've noticed the more time I have to think to myself, the worse I become mentally. I've actually never had a girlfriend as I am deathly afraid of rejection and very quiet and I don't really have any friends at all.. I"ve almost always felt like an outcast in life.

[St. Eve]

Welcome, and thanks for your honesty....

I have great compassion for the level of pain and suffering you sound to be experiencing. I felt depressed, suicidal and with huge amounts of secret shame for years and years.

I would have similar advice to what has been shared already with one main difference. Over the last 10 years, I have come to self identify as an addict.

I spent about 35 years (from age 7) in the obsession, masturbation, shame, fantasy, obsession cycle. I also have a family history of depression and addiction and sexual violation. My obsessions focused on crossdressing, women's clothing fetish, becoming a woman and all facets of BDSM from a pretty early age. I also struggled with waves of depression from age 7 to 33. If that sounds at all familiar to you...you could check out "Facing the Shadow" by Patrick Carnes. A great book to work through with the support of a therapist to help you understand the cycle of shame, obsession, fantasy and masturbation. I empathize deeply when you share that it is the best part of your day until it the shame comes back. I know today that without my obsession to distract me from the intolerable pain of my life and the great brain and chemical changes that would come with intensive arousal, I would probably not have made it. After much work to process and release the pain, to accept the truth of who I am, I experience a lot more joy and gratitude and peace in my life....enough to walk me through the inevitable pain of simply being human.

After lots of healing work on family of origin issues, abuse and trauma, and recovery, I am coming out this year to my family of choice and loved ones as a crossdressing, possibly gender fluid man. I am taking it slow and working with a support team (therapist, spouse, close friends, etc.) Today, with lots of support, I feel capable of sifting deep into myself for acceptance and expression of who I am.

FOR ME, and this is just my experience, I could only safely deal with the women's clothing and gender issues AFTER a few years of great therapy with an addiction / experiential therapist and sexual sobriety from intensive fantasy, obsession, and compulsive masturbation and supported recovery in a 12 Step group.

Reading the great breadth of experience and expression here has also helped me so much. I know I do not have to fit any rigid definitions of CD or TG or any other label. I am delighted for the opportunity to simply know, accept, and love myself for me.

Peace and blessings on your adventure, may you find some peace
St. Eve

[suchacutie]

There are many miles between a natural male excitement about all things feminine and wanting to be a woman. What is important here is not to face your questions alone. There are professionals who are specifically trained to ease your mind, and seeking them out is important. Please go down that path soon.

[mikeyp]

This is really helping my mind come to ease now, thanks a lot , honestly. Sadly, I have to get medicaid insurance I'll see somebody soon though for sure. Honestly, all I'm really asking for is to become mentally stable enough to make clear decisions and maybe gain some self confidence in myself. I realize that this will be a long road to recovery for me, but hopefully in the end i'll figure out what it is that I want to do with my life.... i've honestly never felt free from my father's influence and he hasn't been around most of my life, but that's a whole nother story in general. Anyway, I won't lie, I feel like suicide is the only way out sometimes, but there is still a part of me that wants to make it and it kinda keeps me alive. I don't doubt I have some sort of gender dysphoria, idk. I just want to be able to accept whatever I am.. I don't really wanna have to change my body and I don't feel like it has to happen. If it ever means dressing fem in public, so be it. I've just never really felt "free" to do whatever I wanted to do in life or say what I wanted to say.

[Piora]

All my life, I have dressed for sexual pleasure. My choice of attire was always lingerie (corsets, panties, stockings etc.) Up until about 3 years ago, that is. I had never owned shoes before, for example. Buying those started me on a change in both my desires and reasons for dressing. I started buying skirts, "conventional" panties, and pantyhose, blouses and tops etc. I had never owned clothing other than "underthings" before, and when I dressed fully, I found that the erotic reasons for dressing weren't gone per se, when I dressed that way, but I didn't have the urge to masturbate during that time, and enjoyed just being fully dressed as a woman. Now, I drift between the two....sometimes dressing strictly in lingerie to satisfy my desires, and other times just because I want to lounge around my apartment dressed, which, I have discovered, makes me feel good as opposed to being aroused. I probably have some members of this site to thank for that, as some encouraged me to try "the whole package" to see what it was like. Just my .02 cents worth... :-)

[Gillian Gigs]

Based on what you have said, I think one of the first things you need to do is unlink everything into separate compartments. Have a look at each one and try to see where they overlap. There are times that you will see that you are obsessing about panties per say, but does that fit in with the other OCD issues? Seeking medical help for OCD is a very good idea. Can your shame and guilt be coming from Religious issues, where does your Dads faith wash over into your life. You never mentioned your mothers belief system. Separating issues will help you see things in a different light.
There is some sound advise here, and as others have said. Guilt and shame are common post masturbation feelings. Your story has similar themes to so many of us, now you have to find a way to come to terms with who you are, find a way to accept it, or move on into other things.

[LilSissyStevie]

It sounds like you have what I call masochistic emasculation fetish. I have it, too. It's psychologically more comforting to think of it that way. Don't do that and save yourself a lot of trouble. You can't choose for it to go away (although it might go away for a period) so you might as well accept it. Once these things are imprinted on the mind it is very difficult to un-imprint it. You can't choose what turns you on. You are probably not TS because it is highly unlikely that anybody is TS. Most likely it is "just" a fetish, albeit a fetish that has caused you considerable inner conflict.

I suspect that whatever "gender dysphoria" you experience is a result of your anxiety about masculinity. I could never feel masculine enough so I retreated into "femininity." I felt more comfortable there. Around puberty that became sexualized so that my anxiety in relation to masculinity was replaced by sexual arousal. The first time I ever had an orgasm was from fantasizing I was a girl having sex with a boy. I struggled for many years with wondering whether I'm transsexual, gay or just nuts. It turns out I'm just nuts. What a relief!

[CONSUELO]

Mikeyp,

Lots of good advice here and it would be good if you can find a good counsellor, and I do mean a good counsellor. BUT much of what you are feeling is common with cross dressers. I have always believed that cross dressing has a significant fetishistic aspect for many of us. I certainly feel that way and I have gone through the stages of feeling guilt. I now find that I can dress without feeling aroused but not always. I have accepted it as a part of my sexuality and I am relaxed about it.

Don't be obsessive about this. You are not abnormal. Take the time to read around the site and you will be encouraged and educated by what is available here

[AbigailJordan]

mikey hunni.. try to stop freaking out.. you're just fine. Hundreds of girls on here started out in exactly the same way (my first time was with my younger cousins panties but that's by the by).. and out of every hundred of those girls who started just like you, 99% of them are still physically male.

It is possible to love the feel of womens clothes in a fetish sense without moving to full on dressing, just as it is possible to full on dress without having to move on to transition.

I started at a similar age to yourself, that was 30 years ago now. I occasionally go out en femme, I like to take care of my nails and I have a wardrobe to die for. But I still identify as male, I am still happy with who I am and the body I'm in (would be happier if I could get down to a 10 but that's a struggle we all have lol).

I also hit androgyne on the COGIATI, it's quite common for the straight non transition CD to land in that category.. it's ok to want to FEEL like a woman, doesn't mean you necessarily want to BE one.

All the best on your path of discovery.. keep us updated how you go

[Vickie_CDTV]

I wouldn't necessary jump to the conclusion you have an "addiction". You are a male, and like all men there is a natural pressure that builds. Like it or not, that pressure must come out one way or another. If you don't induce it yourself, it will come out in one way or another, and the pressure can drive you crazy. Just part of life. It is normal and natural, and all men have to deal with it one way or another, not unlike breathing or going to the bathroom. You found ladies clothes are one way to achieve that pressure relief. It is an unconventional way for a man to achieve gratification, but in of itself isn't a terrible thing to feel guilty about.

[Alice Torn]

Mikey, I had a cat named that once. I am 61, still single, no close friends, only acquaintances, hostile, ridiculing family of origin. i can relate to your plight, only i am much older. I suffered terrible shame, guilt, religious condemnation, depression, and like others said, we, loners need to get out of the room, or house, and maybe exercise, fix something, play, ride bikes, or anything. We can go back to our lady clothes later, and get aroused later. I hear you. It is so very seemingly impossible to find girlfriends, or dates. I am just about accepting, that i will never date again, or marry. Hopefully a friendship again, after decades with no dates. I need a job, too. We must accept that this is just one part or aspect of us, not the whole person. Everyone has some kind of sexual quirk, they have, or hide well. Fetishes are very common, though few are willing to talk to others about them. I have had a long time fetish about womens' clothes. since about 14. Certain styles totally turn me on, and some are even considered modest or semi modest! God know we are all pretty messed up, so lets not let shame and guilt destroy us. Some day, we wil all be old, and the sexual stuff will slow to almost nothing. Just accept that we all have sexual fetishes of some kind, and be good to yourself, I am talking to me, too.

[mikeyp]

You guys have no idea how much good your responses have done for me so far. In fact, I just got home from applying to a bunch of places today and finished registering for school this semester. I wish I could quote you all but it'd just be so much. I think what helped calm my nerves today was just the thought of being a male with a feminine side to me.. I can't deny that.... I felt happy and energized for the first time in awhile but this always happens and I cycle right back into depression because my obsession will convince me otherwise. What really scared me though was looking at transgender forums and seeing them say "if you fetishize crossdressing it HAS to be more than just that, normal women think of themselves having sex as a female too!" but I also believe that MOST of these people can't relate to the sexual side of this and that there are just too many grey areas. I just know for now that it stimulates me sexually and it really comes on when I'm horny(for lack of a better word).

Anyway, I sent in a document to get my new insurance today, which will hopefully kick in after a few weeks and I'll find a good therapist. In truth, I enjoy being a man but do feel like I've suppressed my feminine side a bit and maybe it would do me some good to get some female friends or whatever, on top of the few good male friends I do have. My problem is, I just don't go outside. I'll say, I'm a decent looking guy, a little overweight, like 25 lbs but girls seem to like me... I'm just socially stupid.. literally. I do hope to someday try to pass off as a chick in public, like at a bar or something because it sounds fun to have a guy persona and a girl persona... and society actually seems like they are starting to calm down about it a little it.. not that i'd care. For now though, after about 17 hours "spanking the monkey" the feelings come back and I just say screw it and it all just goes away again, so idk.

have started to realize though that when I'm attracted to a girl it's sexual attraction, but also like a feeling of wanting to be her? It's mostly the clothes they are wearing too that does it for me. A cute girl in normal clothes doesn't turn me on all that much... but girls in club dresses and heels... my god. I just like girls that wear stuff I'd want to put on if that makes sense.

[Lorileah]

What really scared me though was looking at transgender forums and seeing them say "if you fetishize crossdressing it HAS to be more than just that, normal women think of themselves having sex as a female too!"

Can you show me where that is...it is either out of context or just plain wrong. Was that here on the TS boards?

but I also believe that MOST of these people can't relate to the sexual side of this and that there are just too many grey areas. I just know for now that it stimulates me sexually and it really comes on when I'm horny(for lack of a better word).

You're new here, I am not sure you have read enough to make that statement A lot of TGs start as sexual. In fact, I think if you look around and read more threads here you will see, you really aren't that different than most

Many have pointed out that you are young and being afraid of things you are just encountering is normal. There have also been some good advice about taking a deep breath and slowing down a minute. This is new, it can be wonderful or it can be scary. Like being a the amusement park. But with time, it becomes less scary. Therapy is always a good idea, even if you think you have it under control...it is good to have someone confirm that.

[mikeyp]

Can you show me where that is...it is either out of context or just plain wrong. Was that here on the TS boards? You're new here, I am not sure you have read enough to make that statement A lot of TGs start as sexual. In fact, I think if you look around and read more threads here you will see, you really aren't that different than most

Many have pointed out that you are young and being afraid of things you are just encountering is normal. There have also been some good advice about taking a deep breath and slowing down a minute. This is new, it can be wonderful or it can be scary. Like being a the amusement park. But with time, it becomes less scary. Therapy is always a good idea, even if you think you have it under control...it is good to have someone confirm that.

I found that quote somewhere on the endless searches that I've done on "Am I transexual?". I think it was on reddit. All of the mtfs on there seem to think that this is a closet thing... I know what I want though so far, I just want to come home from a long day of work and relax while jerking off to what I like without thinking "should I be this? or that?" I know I can live life happily, as I have done it before but if it isn't one obsession it's another... which sucks. Thanks though for your response and sorry for the long quoting LOL. I hate when people do that as well.

[kimdl93]

"...I do hope to someday try to pass off as a chick in public, like at a bar or something because it sounds fun to have a guy persona and a girl persona... and society actually seems like they are starting to calm down about it a little it.. not that i'd care. For now though, after about 17 hours "spanking the monkey" the feelings come back and I just say screw it and it all just goes away again, so idk.

have started to realize though that when I'm attracted to a girl it's sexual attraction, but also like a feeling of wanting to be her? It's mostly the clothes they are wearing too that does it for me. A cute girl in normal clothes doesn't turn me on all that much... but girls in club dresses and heels... my god. I just like girls that wear stuff I'd want to put on if that makes sense".

What your statements tell me is that, like most young and inexperienced males, you are simply....well, immature. You're 3-5 years away from having a fully matured brain. And like so many young men, you've concluded that you are socially ineptness. Let me translate that...you are inexperienced. Almost Every young person thinks they are socially inept. But some of us managed to overcome that self doubt enough to at least try. Have you ever met an girl that you liked and asked her out on a date? Have you ever been shot down, picked yourself up and moved on to another? If not, you've been holding back. Failing is part of growth. It sounds to me as though you've substituted a fantasy world instead of taking the risk and getting out there.

[mikeyp]

Eh, I've asked a few females out and some have even asked me out(mostly the girls I work with) who are like 17 but apparently have no problems with a 21 year old guy. It takes a looooooot for me to ask for a girl's number, like I have to see a genuine interest from her beforehand, otherwise I won't bother. I've been rejected twice though and yeah it has crushed my soul more than probably any normal guy could experience. These days, I don't even try because I know at the end of the night I always have myself as a security blanket lol. The numbers I have gotten from girls, I just got as a challenge. Texting them seems like too much work and crazy awkward to start a conversation from nothing.