been going through the same, more or less. I was on hormones for a little bit deep deep in the pink fog, but I realized that I also like the man that I am, and that I enjoy my male sexuality too much to go and replace it with something I don't know. So I quit the mones and Now I'm working with my therapist and myself to cultivate a balance that is healthy.
well even if i'm wrong, you know i'm right
To Isha and everyone that posted, thank u! For years I've been trying to understand what a "fem side", genderfluid, g. dysphoria, mid path, male/female binary, etc. actually feels like. I guess I'm simply a CD and have not, nor will I, experience the things posted above.
I think I understand a bit more about what Isha and others r experiencing now. And, it makes me tear up and want to cry! I don't know how u do it. All the best to everyone!
Last edited by docrobbysherry; 08-16-2015 at 02:14 PM.
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
This may sound odd Isha but I have always "experienced you as a woman". To tell a man this would be an insult but I suspect you will understand what I'm talking about and not feel it takes anything away from you.
Being born into this caused me to see gender with what I call "My third eye" which I developed to survive not being able to make my body or the bodies of others "match my experienced gender" from the lie I was experiencing from the contradiction I was born into. I disconnected from physical reality because of a deeper reality I was experiencing.
In the past I think people like me were called two spirit and they have a rich spiritual tradition and I think this partly comes out of being forced "to see without your eyes" or "to hear without your ears"
It is easy to see those who have a deep female spirit in them and for me you have it. Hope this is not received as bad news PLUS it is only my opinion. No matter how much I can empathetically connect with you, you are still the one who lives within yourself. I never want my opinions to influence someone, especially on something so dangerous as being trans.
What I hear and feel in your words is someone giving birth to that something that was always in them but "quieted" out of necessity by you in childhood or perhaps it was put to sleep by others thinking that it was for your own good. (forced to man up to the detriment of your natural spirit)
You are creating an environment (presenting as a woman) that allows for the "complete you" to be experienced which brings this person out of the shadows.
If your male persona was/is false this will fall away and be replaced with what you are in actuality (it's opposite as its dominant energy) Everyone has two energies in them creating a duality of expression (Yin & Yang) This can create tension between them the larger the contrast.
When you are looking out at the world and interacting with the world you will than naturally do this as a woman. You will know this experience when you "through your empathetic connection with others" see through their eyes and know they see and are experiencing a woman (you)
We project onto others (see ourselves through their eyes) are actual gender when this gender is allowed to be free. An aspect of GD is not being able to do this so you are than in conflict between your experienced reality of yourself and the reality of others as to how they experience you, which results in suffering.
To the degree people are accepting of you ((it sounds like they have been) they allow you to emerge. They contribute to your creation even though what is being created was always there. (helping you to be born)
This creates confusion from the conflict of carrying two opposite realities (identities) in your mind. In my opinion this is another example of GD (confusion from the dissonance of being split into two people) The one you actually are versus the one created for you and by you for inclusion and acceptance.
I call it going deeper into the insanity to come out sane. For me it was part of transitioning and scared the living (insert your own word here) out of me. I always felt abnormal and it felt like I was intentionally becoming even more abnormal by following the pull of my mind that had always been there.
On the other side is truth and freedom for those who are T.S
From my perspective what you are experiencing is very normal because I see you as TS.
Where it takes you only time will tell. I very much hope you find peace and fulfillment. You deserve it.
Last edited by KellyJameson; 08-16-2015 at 02:56 PM.
The Psychology of Conformity
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARGczzoPASo
Mars brain, Venus brain: John Gray at TEDxBend
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuM7ZS7nodk
@Becky777 Identifying and expressing. Expressing yes , identifying that's the struggle, the ebb n flow. Are we still denying our truest self.? Being genderfluid is seldom a 50/50 proposition. Being in therapy trying to sort out this all out. Has been life changing for myself and my wife.
Yes I identify as anywhere from being a person to female. Is my guy side a learned thing, am I trying to unlearn it. These are the dilemmas others have passed through on there way to accepting there true selves. And as Isha said we firmly hold the pin of the grenade. (Thank you Melissa)
I would like to think I can stay in this holding pattern, but it gets tougher each day. I surmise that I'm not ready to blow it up quite yet, nor have the thought that Caitlyn Jenner had about her last days and not living as she is now.
So yes I like to think genderfluid, but I know who I am, ,,,,,,,,. Not quite there yet or quite ready to admit it to myself yet. So thank you Becky777. For a little dose of self introspection.
Follow your path.. For only you can decide, which way to go.
@ Christina
I was so sure of who and what I was, just fear and lack of knowledge held me back.
But I don't envy those who are unsure or live somewhere in the middle, there really is very little guidance or visible examples.
As I said to Isha, what if you are a tomboy/masculine woman at heart? Could be why some people think they have a male identity also. Just because you like some of your guy side doesn't necessarily mean you are male or have a male identity......
That would still make you TS, think of all the women that enjoy life in a guys world, do blokey stuff with their male friends. They don't question their gender but what if they were born in a man's body?
Confusion central!
I:
Fascinating stuff. In effect it is like a movie as things progress, and we don't know what the end game will be. It is Grand Theater (in the sense of mystery, discovery and drama, lest some take issue).
However, one question I have is this...
Humans are, by nature, often driven by habit, structure and understanding where the limits are. This is what can allow us to direct our behavior in one way or another. Could it be that there hasn't been sufficient time for you to settle into your Groove, whatever and wherever that might be?
DeeAnn
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