My goodness! Where oh where do I start? I am approaching 14 months HRT; hard to believe I've gone this far and it's even harder to believe what has happened over its course! Much has changed, though much has remained the same. Let's talk about what's changed.
For starters, I am out to somewhere between 30-40 people now, possibly more as I've lost count. Still a very long way to go but that number is growing steadily. The amount of love and support I've received has been nothing short of incredible. Thus far, there has only been one negative response, though it was expected considering her fanatic beliefs. Her words linger and still carry a sting, though she has no place in my life so her opinion means nothing. That said, I would love to educate her to help with the issue of ignorance in the world. There will be plenty of time for that later though.
The most important people to have by my side now and through the journey would be my family, and I have them.
I have officially come out to my parents and they still love me and "will never abandon" me. My goodness have we had some emotional conversations lately!! My parents aren't thrilled this is my path, neither am I, but they want me to be happy and will support me completely! Since coming out to them, they have done their own research and have even had a session with my counsellor which went extremely well. My dad used to be of the opinion that being trans and transitioning were lifestyle choices. That opinion has since changed and he has acknowledged I had no choice in the matter. The only "choice" I've made is to stop running and fighting this.
A few weeks back I was having dinner with them. After we finished, my mom directed me to an envelope with my name on it. Inside was a cheque (that's "check" for the Americans) with a small inheritance from my grandpa who passed away recently. My initial response was: Wow! I have some money to put towards hair restoration on my head. But, this was my grandpa's money, and I couldn't put it towards a freaking sex-change. What would he think of that??? I started thinking of something non-trans related to put it towards. But then my dad, of all people, said I could use the money for anything I wanted. My response was that I'd think of something that my grandpa would have approved of. My dad looked disappointed then said, "if this money can help you with any aspect of your journey, then you should use it."
I choked up; grew very emotional then rushed out of the room saying I didn't want to talk about it. Went downstairs to my old bedroom and bawled my eyes out for 30-45 minutes. The emotions were strange. I was in shock. What just happened? I couldn't believe the love they just expressed. Feelings of self-pity flooded my brain, as they so often do. I couldn't use the money for transition, it's not proper. It would be rude and selfish. What did I do to deserve this love? I don't deserve it! Why me? Why am I transgender? Why have I been cursed and, by extension, am now cursing my family? I cried the thoughts out and concluded that I would indeed use the money towards transition. Not having a lot of money, it would be silly to decline this beautiful gesture. Besides, on a cheesy level, using the gift towards my hair would allow me to always remember my grandpa. My grandpa is who I got the balding gene from so it's fitting he helps me get my hair back.
The love and financial support from my parents didn't stop there, as I learned earlier this week. The initial gift was from my grandpa, but they also wanted to help me a bit themselves and gave me another cheque. I was speechless and in complete shock. Eventually I found the words to refuse their gift asking how could I ever accept something like this. They again encouraged me to reconsider saying that if I were to rip up the cheque they would simply write another.
Wow. Just wow. Who were these people? I had never seen this side of them before. Of course I knew they loved me, but never in a million years did expect this. All I wanted from them was simply their love and to not be disowned. They have gone so far beyond that I owe my life to them.
Now, I need to clarify the cheques weren't massive. I won't be retiring with them. They are, however, enough to cover the hair transplants I've been researching making them gifts of unprecedented value.
I am so thankful for my parents and humbled by their love.
I still have one more sister to come out to and have left her for last due to how conservative she and her husband are. The time to come out to them is approaching however. It has to happen, and it will happen.
Other major coming out stories include more and more people at work knowing about me. Their support has also been outstanding. My current position is training new employees, meaning I am front and center, often being someone's first impression of the company. Needless to say, going through a transition could potentially be problematic. My immediate supervisors know, but I had to tell the big dude in charge of the department. We scheduled a meeting and I told him. He was shocked, having no clue but appreciated my courage to tell him and offered any support I needed! He's never faced a transgender employee before so he's not 100% certain how it will affect things, but he's confident life will go on as normal. His one request was that I keep things respectful and professional, both of which I have every intention on doing.
Let's see, what else...
Facial hair removal continues in all its lasering glory. My chin and lips are especially stubborn meaning I may need to begin electrolysis sooner than expected. Oh yippee...
Let's talk about changes from HRT! So, as mentioned above, I'm approaching 14 months on estrogen and testosterone blockers. So what's changed??? Not much. In fact, physically, there have been very few changes. My skin is softer, and I have small A cup boobs. My face is virtually identical, and there's been no noticeable fat redistribution. 14 months in and I STILL wonder if these pills are doing anything. This is extremely disheartening as I've seen and read so many other HRT experiences and have shared almost none of them. Any time I hear someone discuss going full time 6-8 months into HRT or how these little pills are magical, I just wonder what the heck is going on with me? Sure our mileage will vary, but I'm seriously wondering what's going on and why my body isn't responding even with the increased dosages. It scares me...a lot. Will I simply be a man in a dress forever? I rarely dress at all or do makeup because it's just a costume, I'm just a crossdresser, just a man. It stings immensely. Am I doing something wrong? Is there a wrong way to take pills? Research suggests taking them sublingually is more effective but I've noticed zero difference. Frustratingly, the results of my last blood test showed my estrogen levels were lower than they should be. I've spent the last few months on the highest dose supposedly allowed in Canada, there's been zero change. It's such a shame injections aren't legal in canada. My only other option for estrogen will be the patches which I've heard more bad about than good. I may try them anyway though, we will see what my blood work is like next time.
A physical change I have definitely noticed though, and I'll try not to get too graphic, is that "Downstairs" doesn't work as it used to. I'm still able to get a semi-errection but it hurts quite a bit! Did this happen to anyone else? I expected some shrinkage and not being able to get hard, but I did not expect such discomfort. Seriously, ow!! A friend suggested I need to "work out" the area more as muscles are atrophying, but the discomfort is so much that I can't fathom doing any activities with things down there.
Hopefully I won't have to deal with that for much longer as I've been approved for an orchiectomy!!! The consultation is at the end of September, not sure how long until the actual surgery. Considering how ineffective HRT has been physically, I'm hoping the orchi will help silence the barrage of hurtful thoughts my brain constantly attacks me with: I'm not a woman, I'll never be a woman, hormones aren't doing anything and probably never will. I am and will always be man.
Having no "boys" down south will be like having some extra ammunition to challenge those destructive thoughts. My endocrinologist doesn't think the orchi will have any physical effect on transition as my testosterone is already virtually nonexistent.
Does anyone have any idea why a body may not be absorbing estrogen effectively?
Despite the lack of physical changes, however, I believe I have changed significantly on a psychological level. My depression is slowly lifting. I feel better about myself and my life. I'm less angry and aggressive. People around me have noticed a massive shift in attitude and have commented on my positivity, whereas before it was my negativity. I'm not perfect and still have lightyears to go, but I'm slowly climbing out of the dark, hellish pit I've lived in for so long.
Let the climb continue.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading my update!!
~ Holly
