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Thread: Who-I-am vs. What-I-like

  1. #76
    its important mykell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    I am saying though that for me and for most people at large, we do not experience gender conflict and so we don't think of ourselves as having masculine or feminine tendencies as you described above. We just see ourselves as having interests and personality traits that fall within the very wide range of what is socially deemed "acceptable" (for lack of a better term) for women and men. Women think of themselves as women and men think of themselves as men, no matter what they enjoy doing.
    hi reine,
    we experience gender conflict by societies default expectation of what a man represents, as with my previous post i enjoy following womens fashion and applying it into my life but did so secretively till a few years ago....i enjoy many other interests and personality traits which would be considered male and female so for me if fundamentally i accepted this when younger i would have been likely to grow up with a Steve Tyler look that was maybe a bit more female if societal acceptance was in play and would dress how i preferred doing these tasks, this is who i am....this is what i like, i just hide it because of family and societies taboos of it....without that no gender conflict for me....society deemed us unacceptable....
    Last edited by mykell; 08-28-2015 at 07:52 AM. Reason: delete
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  2. #77
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone for your continued responses!

    Quote Originally Posted by Katey888 View Post
    Do you accept as valid that while you don't think or feel like that, someone who has these tendencies and exhibits any sort of inexplicable desire to manifest as a female (CD or, dare I say it, TG-like.. ) MAY quite reasonably feel something that they believe to be akin to how a female feels in certain circumstances but not all the time...?
    Yes, I do get it and I absolutely accept it. But, none of your explanatory words above are used, when a CDer with either a female avatar, or presenting as such to a wife, says "THIS is who I am". There is no mention of fluctuation, no mention of "sometimes but not always", which leads the onlooking muggle like me to wonder, "Well then. Since they are presenting as women, this must be what they mean when they say it is who they are. A woman. (not a woman sometimes and a man at other times)".

    Quote Originally Posted by Brenda.Clark View Post
    I'll take another stab at this. When I say "this is who I am" it should read "this is ONE aspect of who I am" not the entirety of who I am.

    Does that help at all?
    Absolutely! I think it would clear up a lot of misunderstandings both in this forum and in the home between husband and wife, if when presenting as a female a husband said, "This is one aspect of who I am" instead of "This is who I am".

    I can see why (some? many?) of our TSs in the past have believed that CDers were TSs in denial, when there was no further explanation to the "this" other than the female presentation, or an account of having presented as a female.
    Reine

  3. #78
    Member adrienner99's Avatar
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    While I do enjoy dressing as a woman ("enjoy" puts it mildly) I have never thought "it makes me a woman." It makes me a crossdresser. I have said, "This is right. This is who I am" about my dressing many times. It's how I answer The Big Why? I don't think I would ever transition, although I have wondered about it. Dressing is when I feel happiest. Dressing for me is also a way of escaping the pressures of being male, which is probably something most CDs do not struggle with. But I do, and I think dressing somehow relieves some of the macho expectations I often feel I am not living up to....

  4. #79
    Mumbler Samantha Clark's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    There is no mention of fluctuation, no mention of "sometimes but not always", which leads the onlooking muggle like me to wonder



    I think it also helped my wife when I explained that my feelings were like a dimmer switch rather than an on/off switch.
    Putting the y (chromosome) in girly!

  5. #80
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    I don't think of crossdressing at all in terms of "who I am," and really never have; I've always been firmly in the "what I do" camp as far as the dichotomy Reine describes is concerned. At this point, a big part of that has to do with the fact that I have some pretty deep and serious misgivings about how the concept of "identity" gets understood and talked about, particularly in discourses in and around what's commonly known as "identity politics" in the US context. As best I can tell, all sorts of conceptual confusions abound in such discussions of identity (and this seems especially true to me in discussions about "gender identity" in particular), to the point that I just can't follow along with those discourses one bit.

  6. #81
    Member Engendered's Avatar
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    Ah, what a cool topic to see on my first day back in a while. It took a while to read through. Very very interesting stuff!

    I don't think I can add any new insights, but I can at least be a voice in a chorus.

    As quite a few people have touched on already, it's important to embrace the idea of a gender spectrum, rather than a binary. If someone can't do that, then it's destined to lead to misunderstandings. For instance, a long time ago, if a guy said that he was attracted to men as well as women he might be thought of as just being a gay person in denial. When growing up, I thought that bisexuality was a third point on a three-point scale, but after chatting to a lot of bisexual people it became obvious that it was never quite a 50/50 thing for them, and there was a lot of variation in preference.

    The same thing appears to be true for gender identity (although not as immediately understandable), with transexuals being on one end of the spectrum, completely cis on the other, and everything from occasional dresser, to every day out and about in between.

    I feel like it's easier for bisexual people to place themselves along a line...they will have an inner sense that..."well I tend to be attracted to about twice as many women as men". For someone on the gender spectrum, it's harder to pin down, but by reading all the stories and thoughts and feelings from people here, it becomes easier to see whereabouts you fit in. For me, I'm a few notches away from the out and about every day people. Out to all friends and all family, and express my female side every day. Do I see myself as a woman internally? Not completely. Do I see myself as male internally? Not completely. That's something easy for me to write in words, but a much harder thing for someone else to internalize if they don't feel it themselves. I mean, what does it actually mean to feel that way? It's a topic in itself.

    But when I dress fully, adopt a female name, voice and mannerisms, and say "This is who I am", does that mean I feel like a woman and want to transition? For someone who thinks in terms of a male/female binary, it sure as heck seems that way. You're dressed as a woman, so surely you mean that you want to transition and be a woman. There are only the two options. Either you feel like a man, and all this is just some rare fun hobby, or you feel like a woman and you want to transition.

    Let me reassure (if I can) any GGs here, that although I may dress, act, and speak and be confident in "who I am" whilst dressed as a woman, there is no road to transition in my future. I'm not about to get on the phone to my doctor to order hormones. Because 30 minutes previously, when I was in male mode, I could just as easily have said "This is who I am", and for it to be just as exactly true. They are both genuine expressions of me. Ideally, the "This" in the exclamation would be perfectly pointed towards the notch on the gender spectrum where I sit, but it's extremely hard to express absolutely everything you are as a person, all at once, so the best I can do is a balancing act between male expression, and female expression, to find that unique and personal equilbrium point. It might have taken a while for me to find exactly where it is, but it isn't moving anywhere. The real me is that balance.

    As with everything, and something Reine has posted time and time again, clear communication is incredibly important between spouses, especially when ideas and feelings aren't fully obvious. If you feel completely male, be careful with your words if you only mean that you're embracing your crossdressing self by expressing "This is who I am". If you're somewhere in between, let your partner get a feel for where that is, and what it all means for you (if you can talk to them). Anyway, I don't need to tell people these things.

  7. #82
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    I crossdress, it's what I do to help me figure out who I just might be. In a photo of me with makeup, wig, forms and a dress I can say, "This is me, searching". Even without the female appearance I'm searching then as well. I'm guessing it's almost like self-medicating with caffeine to deal with ADHD or Tylenol for back pain. I administer a prescription of time en femme to resolve and ease the conflict I have over my gender identity. I don't know about others, but I wash back and forth along this shoreline, sometimes feeling like I'm on dry land and other times I'm swimming, it's rarely consistent. That is probably the most difficult aspect of being Trans, it's all too often in flux. I'm sure that expression of gender instability makes it incredibly hard for cis-gender people to grasp what we are going through. It would be great if we could find something with a similar vocabulary that would provide that small bit of insight.

    So, if I post a selfie in front of Big Ben or by the Pyramids, it doesn't mean I'm British or Egyptian, it's just where I was at the time. My gender expression may change from moment to moment but regardless of the image you may see, it is me, but it's me on a journey. I don't know how else to state it.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  8. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    I think it would clear up a lot of misunderstandings both in this forum and in the home between husband and wife, if when presenting as a female a husband said, "This is one aspect of who I am" instead of "This is who I am".
    I think this is probably the best way to put it.

  9. #84
    its important mykell's Avatar
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    OK i think i got it,
    this is "part" of who i am---this is "part" of what i like.....it makes up the "sum" of myself....
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  10. #85
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    I think Reine's point is that CDing is not all that defines you. It may very well be a significant and important part of what you are, but it does not necessarily prevent or exclude you from also being a husband, father, model train hobbyist, classical music enthusiast, marathon runner, heterosexual, a bottom in the bedroom, someone who likes chocolate cake, etc. etc. These may also all be things that you do/are. Each descriptor accounts for a certain percentage of your complete personality and identity, and some or all of these things may overlap as well, so the sum of the parts is more than the whole. The point being that this one part of your identity does not completely define and describe you and it would be incorrect for someone else to conclude that it does.

  11. #86
    Member Jazzy Jaz's Avatar
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    I think Reine was also encouraging those who are not ts to express that they dont neccesarily define themselves as women, but perhaps as "part woman" or maybe cder whos not woman at all, basically to not be misunderstood as a non transitioning ts.

  12. #87
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Well, it started out as a question because I had seen several posts that day by people in the CD section who said "this is who I am". I didn't know what was meant by that, given the references to a woman's presentation. Did it mean they thought of themselves as women? But then many people in this thread confirmed they walk a middle line and so I suggested it might be a good idea to specify.

    I wanted to point out that to onlookers like me (or perhaps a wife who doesn't fully understand where her husband is headed), the presentation alone defines the "this" (it's the only clue we have to go on if there is no accompanying explanation), even if CDers know they are only interested in presenting some of the time.
    Reine

  13. #88
    Claire Claire Cook's Avatar
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    Wow, Reine, I just found this thread and am quite amazed at how this discussion has gone.

    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    I've noticed many CDers refer to CDing activities as "Who I am". This is confusing to me, because in this forum, "Who I am" generally refers to gender identity. We certainly have no lack of threads debating this issue and the associated labels.
    For me (and I guess this is sort of what Eryn and others are saying), who I am is me, and is more than simple gender identity. I have always known that I have female as well as male parts to my persona, and this is something that transcends sex. Wearing women's clothes is an expression of that female part of my soul. (Yeah, and it feels good!) Now I am trying to embrace the emotional, empathetic side of this. You might call this "transitioning", but I'd rather call it growing and discovering myself. And the male part of my persona is doing very well, thank you, and has no intention of leaving.

    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post

    Another way to look at my question is, why would a person who lives as a man and has no plans to transition, believe that the enjoyment of dressing as a woman and/or having sex dressed as a woman makes him a woman (which is what I deduce when I read "this is who I am"). Unless "Who I am" means "crossdresser?
    So I guess I am in the chorus singing "I am a crossdresser". I am me. I happily present as male, or as female, and look forward to being the complete me inside. BTW, I don't have sex dressed as a woman -- my wife and I prefer it that way. She enjoys and needs both the cuddly side of me, and the physical male side of me.

    So I just added to all of the wonderful confusion about us .....
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Proud member of the Lacey Leigh Fan Club

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