Post transition friendships

[becky77]

For those who have gone full-time, have you made new friendships with people that don't know, if so did you get to a point where you revealed your history?

Unexpectedly I've started getting friendly with a few other dog walkers, inevitably they chat about their children etc, I have the feeling a couple of those fledgling friendships could develop into a bit more (as in socialising together), one has already been in my house.

The last thing I want to do is out myself and risk being treated differently (assuming they don't already have an inkling), but if I get close I'm not comfortable with lying either.

Just wanted to know how others that have lived full-time dealt with this?

[kimdl93]

Can I respond as a nontransitioner? It seems to me that you're under no obligation to share any details. If you're accepted as you are...that's sufficient and appropriate.

[arbon]

I have not really had it come up. Where I live I just assume people know or will find out. But I don't tell people I am trans either. I have not really gotten close to anyone that did not already know, I don't think.

I have revealed a couple times to guys while trying to date which has been a depressing experience.

[STACY B]

Make them Love you first and see if there worthy of your personal Bizz !!

[Brooklyn]

You can never be sure what others think. A neighbor who was acquainted with the old me asked if I was married to (that guy). It’s hard to keep a straight face in those moments - I feel like either laughing or crying with joy. I assume that I'm clocked everywhere I go, but especially after FFS and vocal therapy, I sometimes pass.

How open you want to be is a personal choice, but those instances when people treat me just like any other woman are EXACTLY what I’ve wanted my whole life. Increasingly, I do not let them know.

[Jorja]

To answer the question, yes, I have both male and female cis friends for over 30 years that do not know my past. Why should they know? They did not know him. I am not going to sleep with them. They have met Jorja, what difference would it make if they knew my past. How is it important to our friendship?

[PretzelGirl]

I have made several friends since transition and I can tell from their comments they don't know. I just leave it be as that is a feeling I worked towards and wanted. I would not consider it lying as you are being yourself, which is the ultimate truth. I imagine over time, we won't think about whether we should tell some one and we will just meet them and enjoy their company without an additional thought.

[Frances]

Some know and some don't. I don't feel that I am lying by not telling. It's not always essential to the relationship.

[Badtranny]

I was just having conversation about this very subject with a lovely young trans woman tonight.

We were talking about how successful socialization can sometimes leave you with another secret. A different kind of closet if you will. My perspective on this has obviously changed as I mature in my transition and for some reason it isn't as easy for me as just not talking about it. At a job interview today, I was asked how I got into construction, since it's really kind of an unusual thing for a woman to do. Well, the last thing I wanted to do was tell him I used to be a dude, so I just responded with vague half truths. I have over 40 years as a man behind me so it tends to be difficult to just gloss over all of those experiences.

I don't want to deny who I am, but I don't want to advertise it either. Except when I do.

Hopefully I'll have Jorja's perspective someday. I think time makes all of this stuff easier.

[arbon]

When I was working the 2nd job earlier in the year at first no one knew, but it was really stressful waiting for those co workers to find out. It was a relief in a way when I knew I had been outed. This thread just reminded me of that. Its a tight rope.

[PaulaQ]

I've made a number of new cisgender friends, which is good, I guess, because a whole bunch of friends from my prior life don't seem to be hanging with me.

I reveal really early in the friendship that I'm trans - generally right up front. I don't expect I'll change this. The downside of this is that some people DO in fact not treat me the same after I reveal, assuming they haven't already found out before I start talking with them. (I'm a well known commodity in my neighborhood.) I won't try to pretend that some of the treatment I get when people find out doesn't just flat out suck. It does.

But it doesn't always happen - some people continue to treat me like they would everyone else. Those are the friends I keep - they are exceptional people. And not all of the treatment I get that is atypical is bad - I've talked to members of racial and sexual minorities about stuff they'd likely NEVER, EVER talk to another person about - at least not to a conservative looking white chick like me. I've met some amazing people, and gotten perspectives from them that I wouldn't have otherwise were I not out.

And by being out, and highly visible, I am able to help people.

Please don't misunderstand me. I have no issues, and would never criticize someone for being stealth, for simply wanting to be treated like anyone else. I understand why many of us choose this, and I respect those choices. I would be a liar if I said I didn't think about it sometimes myself. It is not lost on me that some of the most relaxing and pleasant times I have are when I'm with my boyfriend, in some place where we are anonymous, just a man and a woman together - like all the other men and women there.

Talking about this stuff all the time isn't always fun. Perhaps one day I'll move someplace where no one knows my history, and I'll not reveal my past even to my closest new friends.

In some ways, that approach would make a lot of sense for me. Most people who didn't know me before can't imagine me as anything other than a woman, and the pictures I show them and stories I tell them seem like stuff I'm making up. I've gotten that comment from quite a lot of people. It's a little weird - sometimes I feel like a woman with no past. Given my queer, activist, ultra-liberal, trans female present, my past as an (apparently) old, straight, conservative white dude is just really hard for new folks to imagine. They just don't see it. I may as well tell them I was in the witness protection program, or a secret agent for the CIA , or that I used to be Elvis Presley- they wouldn't believe that crap either.

So I'm in a weird place with this. I tell them I'm trans - and then when I try to tell them what I used to be like, they just sort of seem to shut down. (Well, the survivors of the "I'm trans" revelation anyway - of course many people don't get over the whole "I'm trans" part. The ones who don't get past "the trans" just behave badly in one of several ways, usually.)

I think for someone who transitioned young, this is an easier choice. At some point, when your life pre-transition is but a small fraction of your life, it almost doesn't make sense to mention it, anymore than it would to mention which clubs you belonged to in college. It's just not relevant.

Oddly enough, I reveal being trans so I can talk about situations with other trans people, or my own transition, to illustrate how we are treated. But sometimes it feels like I don't have a past, and that's a bit like finding myself in an episode of "the twilight zone." (In fact some of my new friends don't like for me to talk about my past - it makes them uncomfortable to hear me chime in "oh I've done that!" when they mention some stereotypically male thing.)

I have to say that I never, ever would've expected to have this problem. I expected to be outed constantly by my looks, my voice, all sorts of things. I expected my history to be unavoidable. I mean, these are problems for so many of us. I never expected my history to be unbelievable.

Thanks for this topic, it's really good.

Like a lot of things, pre-transition, it never occurred to me that many people don't want to hear the truth. Of course I guess that makes sense - I certainly never wanted to hear the truth either, and I had very little practice actually telling it. I guess it also makes sense from the standpoint of society. Our society seems to love to erase unpleasant truths. So many people would rather live comfortable lies.

(edit: Please, please, please, please don't take any comments I make about my feelings or situation or reactions to these matters as criticism of anyone else. Dealing with the past is one of the hardest things we struggle with, and I support whatever decision anyone makes on this matter. I'm doing what I believe and hope to be right for me. I make no assertions that it's right for any other trans person.)

[becky77]

I don't want to create some new back story, my biggest issue is my relationship.
I still live with my ex we have a very unique (not necessarily unique here) set up.

Since getting the puppy I've met a lot of new people, especially at dog training (btw that's been tough with my voice! "Frodo come", hate shouting!).

My ex and I live together, we are no longer in a sexual relationship but we are exceptionally close, more than just friends. We don't tell people our relationship just let people think what they want, Mother and Daughter is the norm (she is older than me) but she obviously hates that, so because we have the same surname still, she says we are cousins.

The two of us living together is no one's business, however if you get more chatty with someone there are always the same questions, kids, marriage, relationship status. I don't really care if someone thinks we are lesbians, but she is less fond of that than being my mother!

So we are cousins or friends but really at our age two single women living together is odd and its only a matter of time before someone feels close enough to dig further.

As a side note I was an engineer for ten years which led to my job as a Project manager, rather a masculine field. I looked after one of my colleagues jobs when he was on holiday and in a meeting met a guy that used to work for us when I was an engineer.
Thankfully he didn't have a clue but he asked me how I got into Projects (everyone knows everyone!), I just said I joined recently and hoped he didn't ask more, which he didn't thankfully, it's really awkward at times!

Problem is people do out you.
It was my Niece's 25 birthday on Saturday, nearly all her friends know about me, this one guy comes in that I met ages ago, he had no clue who I was so comes up to me says hello and gives me a kiss and has a little chat, he is flirty by nature.
Later he meets my ex, asks where I am then, I assume someone tells him because at the end of the evening he says good bye to everyone and walks past me like I don't exist.
A small example of how differently you are treated when someone finds out.

[PaulaQ]

Problem is people do out you.
It was my Niece's 25 birthday on Saturday, nearly all her friends know about me, this one guy comes in that I met ages ago, he had no clue who I was so comes up to me says hello and gives me a kiss and has a little chat, he is flirty by nature.
Later he meets my ex, asks where I am then, I assume someone tells him because at the end of the evening he says good bye to everyone and walks past me like I don't exist.
A small example of how differently you are treated when someone finds out.

This is why I am out. I'd rather take rejection up front, and not worry about "OMG, do they know?!?" Because I know that while it may be hard to find people who don't care that you are trans, they really are out there, and you can find them. I'd rather have a few people who love all of me than a bunch of people who's affection is contingent on my identity being acceptable to them. Again, though, this is a very hard call and is totally individual for each of us.

All I can really advise you to do is do what feels right for you. If you are out, you will take WAY more crap than if you are stealth. There is no question about this.

[PretzelGirl]

Wow, I just read my reply and looked at a Facebook post and really need to amend my thoughts. I do have a lot of people I don't tell. I know all on my Facebook page know because I post a lot of advocacy. What drew my attention to my misstatement is that a few hours after posting here, I posted a "Throwback Thursday" pic on Facebook of me with my tank crew in 1982. Not exactly who I am now, but I don't erase any of my past because there are a lot of good memories. So it may be better to say, those that I casually socialize with or work with don't get told up front. When we become closer, it will be there because of Facebook. I do get surprised by how many at work don't know and they give it away in their comments. I have a convention for my side business in two weeks. I certainly don't plan on bringing it up, so we will see how it goes.

[I Am Paula]

Since transition, I actually have a social life. Wow! Most of my friends know, some don't. It never comes up. Of course, my FB friends all know, cause it says 'trans pride' on the banner. I don't think about it much, and it's never really mattered.

[Kimberly Kael]

I was just having conversation about this very subject with a lovely young trans woman tonight.

Quite the coincidence, isn't it? It's like there's an actual community here or something! It was delightful to finally meet you in person, Melissa. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and love having more than just a static photo for reference when reading your posts.

Going stealth after transition used to be a matter of survival. If anyone knew then you wouldn't have friends, a job, a relationship, anything approximating a normal life. You cut ties with your past not because that was ideal but because it was your only path forward.

Now it's possible to have cis friends and family and be open about who you are. It is, in my opinion, a huge improvement. I try not to treat my transgender history as a huge secret but rather like the medical condition it is. Would anyone feel compelled to tell someone else they're diabetic? No. Would they hide the fact if it were relevant to a conversation? No. That's the level of disclosure I aim for.

A few weeks back there was a block party for everyone on our street. We met, we mingled, and I really enjoyed getting to know our neighbors. We already knew a few of them, had been over to their homes and so on, but now we've met everyone. They're a genuinely friendly and interesting crowd, and there wasn't a moment when I felt compelled to tell I anyone that I had previously suffered from gender dysphoria during the event. Nor do I feel like I'm keeping a big, important secret from them. I'm married to a woman so my queer flag is flying pretty visibly and that's enough to open the conversation should it turn that way naturally and become relevant.

[Badtranny]

A small example of how differently you are treated when someone finds out.

Yes.

A couple of Halloweens ago I was dressed as kind of a sexy witch and was flirting with a friend of my friends all night. He was just getting out of a relationship so we didn't smooch or anything, but we definitely did a lot of laughing and nudging. Well a few months later, I meet up with a few of these friends at a little bar and he is there. As me and another girl are chatting about the party, this guy walks up and sits right next to me and says "yeah Melissa had a hot costume going, showing some side boob" so we all laughed and I honestly thought that this whole crew knew about my transition. Anyway a few minutes later my friend who has apparently been discreet up until this point, said something alluding to my transition and this guy looks right at me and says, "hold up, Melissa is transgender?" I gulped and said yeah.

He immediately just stands up quietly and returns to his seat and his little group two tables over. Didn't say a word. It was weird to be dismissed so suddenly, and that dude hasn't said a word to me since.

I guess that was probably one of the least stressful situations that I've faced in my transition overall, but it definitely felt weird.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Here's the deal as i see it.

we are transsexuals..

people will treat us differently...there is no way around it... our experience is unshared by ciswomen and cismen....

because we are living authentic lives, we get to choose...we make the call, we make choices, and the chips fall..

this vulnerability is scary, we previously kept it ALL inside...nobody could hurt me, i was not real...

[Suzanne F]

I think being someone who transitions in place later in life has forced me into just being able to handle it up front. Everyone knew me as Brent for the most part. My AA companions, friends and family all know that I am Suzanne now. All of my present customers and fellow employes will know soon enough. I am not going to run and hide but rather embrace being trans. It will be different with new customers as I hopefully continue my career. Obviously I won't pass to everyone so I guess the question will be whether the issue is addressed. I like to think I am going to enjoy being a trans ambassador. I hope that this will contribute to a culture that will enable young people to address gender issues early in life so they don't spend a lifetime in shame as I did. If I contribute to this it will be worth any discomfort I face for my trans status.
Suzanne

[stefan37]

You will enjoy being a Trans ambassador until that time it will be a burden.

[Lorileah]

Nice...a burden. Thank goodness others didn't see moving forward as a burden. Women would still be stuck at home in heels and pearls.

Ideal scenario: Have surgery, heal up, start a new life as a woman and nobody knows. Not their circus so it should not matter. If it does and it comes up you have to decide if you lie or come clean. This isn't the CIA witless protection group. To me there is ONE person who NEEDS to know and would be whomever I establish a physical relationship with. Otherwise, don't put yourself in a position. That doesn't mean BTW you need to quit advocating. There are lots of friends of....who advocate.

Reality. I will be "made" frequently or "Outed" by others frequently. No delusions. Thus, I will own being who I am when I need to. The ladies at the garden club...not so much. People you party on the pontoon boat...if you don't tell someone will. Your choice. Control the situation or let someone else drive the bus. In as much as a relationship, they need to know but they don't need to know until the likelihood of intimacy is high. There should be no surprises of that manner in bed...it can lead to things you don't want. Right now I was frequenting a mixed gay/straight bar. When you hang with TGs you are pegged as TG. In the future I hope to hang out at places that TGs aren't common...thus the neon sign should dim a bit. But it will always be there even after the tubes burn out

[DebbieL]

At first I just assumed that everybody always knew. If they had questions, they could ask. When I went to full time and after the legal name and gender change, there a few people who knew me, but realized that I passed better as a nice old lady than I did as an older man.

The ones that are the most fun is when Lee and I are spending time with someone for several hours and they never knew me as Rex. Eventually they will ask "How long have you been married? When we tell them we were married in 2006, Lee usually explains "We were man and wife for 6 years and wife and wife for 3". It's fun to see their reaction because they often had no idea I wasn't born a girl. One time they looked at Lee and asked "when did you transition", I almost fell out of my chair.

[ErikaS]

For me I think some one needs to be the trans ambassador I want to help my fellow Soldiers who are struggling with this GD thing. I am willing to do what it takes to be me and be happy. If I have to help educate the Army on transgender then so be it.

Erika

[Frances]

You will enjoy being a Trans ambassador until that time it will be a burden.

Time and time again, I have seen people proclaim wanting to trans ambassador in the beginning of the process and then regret big time having done so later on. I suspect a lot do it in fear of people using their transness to hurt them. They say it's to help others or the cause, but humans are selfish. It's really something to think about before jumping into it, whether it's talking to a reporter, new co-workers or whatever. There are professional trans people, like Jenny Boylan and Donna Rose, and they are doing a great job at it. But new "trans ambassadors" should really examen their motivations before exposing themselves.

[becky77]

No disrespect to anyone but I just want a normal boring life, I'm well aware being trans will always be there to pop up now and then and some people will work it out themselves.

But I'd rather they wasn't sure, than they knew for sure.

I don't have the confidence to be any kind of trans ambassador, I have too much history to truly go stealth, that doesn't mean I want to be out in the open either.
I get on well with other women, I don't generally get on with other trans people, I have found once you have talked the trans thing to death you have nothing in common, my life is very simple and that works for me.

All I wanted was an end to the GD suffering, immersion in the community makes me feel at odds with myself, this is the only place I communicate with other TS/trans people and that's because I find there is a good group of thinkers on here, I find myself coming back to see who said what about some very interesting subjects or points of view.

I applaud those who go out there and campaign for rights or help others of the community, but that just isn't me, sorry.