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Thread: the grind... yeah it is a long post

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member
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    the grind... yeah it is a long post

    I haven't posted here for sometime, if fact I trieded to stay away from the web site and anything trans for a couple months awhile back. At about 13 months or so into hormones and letting my hair grow out I cut it all off and stopped the pills. I hate having to take pills and I hate that something is so out of my realm of logic that I resorted to seek help from someone that told me I needed to change my world. I was on board up to that point but at that mark I no longer was. I felt great when I stopped. Like the weight of the world was lifted off me. The first month was fine life went on and the static I had, well I just dealt with it. The second month was another story. I had realized at the beginning of it that I was coping with all this by drinking. Over the last of first month I had a few drinks everyday. I didn't even realize it. Then one day during the middle of the second month I was angry and went to the bottle. I stopped myself and wondered wtf!! During the rest of that month I tried not to drink and my mind went crazy, I was binge eating, I was mean, cranky and just miserable. I did not like who I was or what I was becoming. I now understood why people abuse alcohol. Near the middle of the month I had enough with feeling like crap, so I refilled my scripts and started the hormones again. It took a few weeks to calm down again and I realized I need the hormones to function. During the few months off, everything suffered, especially work. I forgot all kinds of things and I even forgot to do contract jobs. I hade to eat crow and make up all the things I didn't do right or just plainly screwed up during my lack of hormones. The worse thing was that the constant urge to masturbate came back as my mind was wanting to get rid of the anxiety. This all makes me really upset that I screwed up during this time and endangered my families well being because I was an idiot.

    I had hit a wall with all this because of my religious beliefs. Those haven't changed but actually have gotten stronger though I do admit confusion about a number of things. Though religion in one way is a lot like being trans, it is very personal, and no two people are the same. I find myself in a lot of the posts on here but then in others I am very far away. I guess this just makes me normal.

    I have been on the hormones for a while again now and I am hitting the wall again. It makes me think I belong somewhere in the middle but the truth comes out when I go further down the spectrum. All this is further intensified when I read the post of some of the girls that were just starting out when joined the forum and are now transitioned. I find myself jealous of them. A feeling of pity for myself because I should be where they are in my own transition. Then my MULE brain gets involved. I freeze in my tracts and lock up like a cat that is about to get a bath. I fight and fight all of this and I guess Fear... I surmise is my biggest issue. Then again why does it matter? I really do hate all this crap I am going through and I hate to see the pain and suffering that others are going through with their transition and to know that I will probably one day deal with it too. My emotions are a super roller coaster from being super jealous, to being super scared, to being angry and mad. Also all the trolls in the world have made this ride even worse for me. I get that in general people suck but damn they really suck when they are ignorant. These things all combined together make up my journey so far and right now. Now top it all off with the fact that I long to transition and I want surgery but I do not want to deal with all the pain and suffering. It is crazy that I want to do something that is going to hurt so bad. Yet I want it and people say it allows you live an authentic life. That sucks that in order to live without all the bullshi$ in my head I have to live on pills and go through all the hell to get there. Yet do not mistake what I say because I hate that I can not just live life and move on... or at least I can not allow myself to do it.

    I reflect on my life all the time so that I can try to move forward. In doing this I have realized how much I really do like this little slice of life I have on my plate, just not all this crap from my brain. I want to grow it and enjoy it but it is in complete contrast to what my brain wants to do. I enjoy things only at 50% and I realize that now. I realized that when I hang with my friends that none of them know who I am and I am putting on a show 90% of the time. I get that "dads" is doing what he suppose to do when by being "dads", but gosh damit I am good at it, and it comes natural! It sucks I can't do what I want... either way, because they are in contrast of each other. I was asked at one point if I could take the blue or the red pill which would I take. Then the answer was different then it is now. I want to live the life I want to live. This is about me anyways right? Sure I need to be honest with myself and which life is it that I truly want to live? That's what everyone will say ...... well damit I do not get a choice in the effing matter because the anxiety is going to destroy me.

    So I take my meds, I distance myself from society, I work my arse off trying to build my own company so I do not have to deal with employers, and I live life as it is day to day. Trying to find the joy of each day in between the spaces of fear, misery, and despair of a future that is uncertain. It was said ..... you want to know the truth if you are trans or not?? Those that wish for it are not and those that try with all their might to not be are. I may now understand this 100% but it doesn't mean I am excepting it. My saving grace is that I hope science hurries up and figures all this out while I fight my way kicking and clawing.
    Professional thread killer.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
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    Jan 2010
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    A bit south of the 49th!
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    One thing is for sure....daily HRT is far superior to self medicating.

    You know, you're doing a lot of things right. It's ok to try to put this all behind you. I think most of us have tried that multiple times. And it's ok to circle back around again...been there, done that. And working your buns off to have a successful business...it's good sense to achieve a degree of both personal and financial independence. Plus, it keeps your mind on other things.

    The distancing yourself from society part needs some rethinking though. We are social beings and need some level of interaction, beyond suppliers and customers, I mean. Don't isolate yourself.

    I'm troubled by your pain, fear and misery regarding an uncertain future. Everyone's future is uncertain, up to a point, but they all end the same. It's important to have an eye, to set a course of your own choosing, and to patiently follow it. At the same time, allow yourself something that fulfills you in the present.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  3. #3
    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
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    South Miss
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    Woo,,,Wee,,, I sang that song,, But I wasn't so good at ending it after a month or so with the Booze,,lol,, You got to ACCEPT IT. That's it,, You can't go around it,, Over it,, Under it,, Gotta go right through it and make a choice about doing it or NOT. I fought and fought over and over,, Hell other than the Booze I gained Massive amounts of weight ,, To keep from doing it,, Worked,, Drank,, Ate,, On and on and on,,,, Running from it,, Running away from it,, No way could I be this way or that way those people are CRAZY,,,,,,,,Just work it away,, Drink it away,,, Eat it away,,, Then Guess what? To much of ANYTHING will KILL YOU !!

    Dam near Drank myself to Death,,, Ate myself to Death,,, An of course with all the health problems how can you work yourself to death? It all catches up to us and we have to face it now or later , So it's all up to you and what you want,, If you don't like taking the meds and its a constant reminder of it everyday,, Get the shots,, Get an Orchi,,, But you will deal with it one day like I did,, You can run but WE can't hide.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member
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    Nov 2012
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    Central FL
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    Kim we do all end up at the same place ... that is for sure lol.. also patience is a virtue that sometimes is lost in translation. The pain is something that is caused by my choice of my path. Sometimes I feel like two different people, or should I say there is my brain, and then there is me. The further I try to get away from anything Trans the more I spiral out of control.

    Stacy I am glad I have a loving wife that helped me realize what I was doing after a month. It does help that I have a friend who just went through it so when someone else threw it at me I had no choice but to see it. I do deal with it everyday and that was my point. In fact I was having a low day the day I wrote this because I missed replacing my patches by two days... got busy... things are better now but still a pain in the arse... btw ... you can have the shots ... I do not do needles!!
    Professional thread killer.

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