gender norms

[Junius]

I'm sure I don't need to explain to anyone here how queer the things we do really are. Since starting to cross dress I've noticed, within myself a shift more towards the queer. I may soon be over come with this feeling but for now I'm clinging to that closet. And someday it feels like I'm clinging for my life. Like this thing could kill me if I let it out into the eyes of my peers.

On the other side of the coin, it's awfully stuffy in here. When I'm out of the house, I'm in man mode. Doing man things. It makes be feel hollow and fake. I don't like hiding myself. It was easier with weed in my life but I won't go there. I've thought about telling someone about all of this but I don't feel comfortable having a coming out conversation until I know what this is.

So enter the point of this post; do I come out as x with the option open to switch to y or z as I need? Do I sit here suffocating in every facet of my life until I lose myself?

I want to start wearing makeup in public on days like today but I could out myself as something in the process that I'm not 100% sure that I am. Gender norms are messing with me. Or maybe I'm over thinking it and gender norms are all just in my head.

Tldr; I'm having an identity crisis and societal pressure is telling me to act in a way that I feel the need to deviate from. Can't come out, can't stand the closet. Advice?

[immike]

Junius-My name is Michelle? Like you,I'm also trapped in the closet,with a secret life.My journey started,out of curiousity of what wearing womens clothes truly felt
like.I secretly began trying on mothers dresses years ago,after she would leave in the morning for work.I used to look at myself in her full length mirror on the back
of her door,dressed in all of her dresses.I got bolder&lifted an unopened pkg of her hundreds of pairs of pantyhose&put them on/w her dress&stepped into one of her
many pairs of heels&began to walk around her room.Soon,I would close the curtains&drapes,lock all the doors&spend the morning trying on mothers many outfits,always aware that my sisters could show up,at anytime,but I would dress in any one of her many skirtsuits,use one of her short mini skirts&one of her
silky blouses&wear all of her shoes.I had to be careful of sister showing up,or mother home for lunch,so I had a escape route,into the dark recess of the basement.
I was fully dressed in one of mothers outfits&sitting at mothers make-up table&my sister pulled up outside,so I dashed into the basement&hid until she left,but I had fun in secrecy,until the day I found her French Maid halloween costume&I had fun in her dress&black stockings&heels

[mechamoose]

You do what you feel you can. There really isn't a 'right' and a 'wrong', there is what you can manage. It is an act of bravery to step out in the 'wrong' clothes.

Find a way to be YOU, and don't worry about if you fit some pre-defined model. It is a journey, not a light-switch.

<3

- MM

[Pat]

First bit of advice: breathe. Second bit of advice: follow Mechamoose's advice and be you. Take some time to figure out what that is. Read the other posts here -- there are a lot of different people many feeling the same things all using different words to describe what's going on. Like blind men trying to describe an elephant by feeling it, you'll get lots of different descriptions -- some my coincide with yours, some may open up new ideas for you.

Many of us find comfort in mixed presentation -- a little bit male, a little bit female. If you want to wear makeup out, you can do that without having to put on mascara and eye shadow. Just put on some foundation with an SPF factor and it not only makes you look better and feel better, but it's good for you. Mostly it's invisible but if you leave some streaks and someone asks if you're wearing makeup, the classic answer is "It's tinted moisturizer." If you need to be even more butch, you can say "tinted sunblock" or if you can live with less hiding say, "yes." If you find that small steps lead to bigger steps, fine. If not, don't.

Be you. Don't be someone else's expectation of you. That's what you're trying to escape from now.

[Allisa]

First the use of the word queer, is it in context as unusual or is it used as a derogatory term? If it is the later than please stop, that is one of the biggest misconceptions about CDers. I'm sure we all have stories of hiding our proclivity for wearing clothing associated with the opposite gender of how we were born. If your male presentation feels fake maybe you should seek professional help for answers, if this is just CDing than maybe your just caught up in the pink fog deeply and try underdressing to see if that helps quell the feelings your having. It seems we all have this burden we were born with and finally we have to accept this is just a part of us we cannot deny for long. Accepting ones self is very hard but very freeing once it is done. Soul searching is never easy but needs to be done and confession is a killer but we live through it. Just be true to yourself and things do work out, don't stress over the pressure you think you feel. Good luck in your quest to be you.

[mechamoose]

I'm queer, odd, abnormal and 'aberrant'.

I just don't want to be 'normal'. Normal is boring.

We are all more special than that!

- MM

[kimdl93]

If the closet is confining, remember you are the person holding the keys. Stepping out as an x, y or z can be momentarily frightening to contemplate, but you'll soon find that the world hardly notices. And those who do feel it's a bit queer will generally keep it to themselves. Relax, go out and find yourself!

[theresa renee]

Junius, i've always been closer to women than to men, so having a lot of female friends isn't abnormal for me. to date, i've managed to tell a decent amount of them and have received a lot of support. just having a few people know has really helped, and so have the threads on this forum i've managed to read thus far.

are you wanting to be public, as in public to the world? is CDing just the tip of the iceberg on your journey of self-discovery? if i read your post correctly, it seems to me that there's more going on than wanting to dress differently.

[Junius]

There's a lot more going on than just cross dressing. I'm 23 and in that time I've never felt like it's ok to be myself. I come from a religious family. I have since left the religious path as it was to restrictive. Since then, I've spent the last 3 to 5 years identifying as asexual because the sexual world was again to restrictive and I didn't feel like I belong. It's still hard to be myself in that regard. This, what I'm going through now is coming from the same place. My gender identity is undecided since I started cross dressing. Yesterday I was on the fence about wearing makeup outside of the house and decided against it. The feeling hit again today but much harder. My sister showed me a post about gender norms being damaging in a modern context. This article helped me to stop trying to talk myself out of it. Today I refuse to come out as anything but a gender deviant. I'm not quite able to leave my male identity yet but I know that being cis is to restrictive for me.

I don't want to go public with my cross dressing but I want to feel ok being myself.

[Tina_gm]

When I'm out of the house, I'm in man mode. Doing man things. It makes be feel hollow and fake.

CDers seem so often to be the worst offenders at this man thing, woman thing. There are really only a couple of man only things a man can do, and none of them should be when you are out in public.

When I 1st started coming to an acceptance of myself, I drove myself crazy with the man this, woman that, masculine this, feminine that. Granted, wearing clothes, makeup and stuff when you are out in public makes for a female presentation, but getting caught up in doing "man things" or "woman things"... There really isn't even a true definition of that as far as the normal everyday life activities. Mow a lawn, fix a car, or do other repair work.... Man things, ok, maybe more men than women do these things, but more and more there are women getting involved in these things, and it is not making them any less of women when they do, or shouldn't. All it is doing, all they are doing is empowering themselves to be more independent. Perhaps a lot of men are now regretting wishing women were not so dependent on them eh?

Perhaps secretly many of CDers are not actually liking the divide between men and women closing when it comes to everyday activities, hobbies and other interests.

[theresa renee]

so you have family - your sister - that knows what you're going through?

[Robin414]

Hi Junius, I'm no phsycologist but have you thought about manerisms? When your out of the house you're in man mode doing man things, OK, but have you thought about 'acting' femme when possible? Kinda like underdressing but in your head and you can switch back to guy mode instantly, practice helps for when you're out en femme as well!

[mikeyp]

I'd honestly like to believe that there is no "female" side of me. What I am at the moment is who I am. Believing you're somehow "faking" your identity is a trap. No matter how you're dressed, or what you do/say. You are still you.

[Junius]

I'm just talking circles in my own head about all of this so today I resolved to give myself over to the impulses to present how I feel. I wore eye liner to work and had some pleasant responses so now I know my insecurities are on my own head.

For now I'm using the excuse that I'm protesting the necessity to adhere to gender norms. I'll see where this takes me.

I think the reason that this gives me so much anxiety and the fact that I'm scared to death of confiding in anyone about this is my whole life I've been told to adhere to these guidelines for fitting into this box. Now that I know I don't fit into the sane box as everyone else, I'm struggling to leave the guidelines behind. Even though I want an identity of my own I still seek validation of my peers.

[Annlikia]

Just be yourself!!

[Katey888]

Junius,

I think you're probably doing a good job of finding yourself amongst all these feelings - just keep doing it slowly and steadily and I get the feeling you'll work things out.

And yes, we are all a bit queer or weird as far as the muggle perception of us goes, but please don't think for a moment that you're not sane... this has nothing to do with sanity, just what drives our gender identity - and yours (like a lot of folk here) is just not strictly aligned with something society is prepared to recognise as 'normal'...

Just pace yourself and see how things go before you actually come out any further... Once out it's impossible to reverse back in!

Katey x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Junius, The Crossdressers handbook says the only rule is that there are no rules.

[Marcelle]

Hi Junius,

Gender identity and where you fall is slow process of realization and acceptance. You are doing the right thing by questioning and trying to find a comfortable zone to land in. The one certainty IMHO is that self-acceptance in whichever guise you choose to claim (TG, CD, TS, gender fluid or points in between) is a necessity for moving forward in life. So my advice is start there (which you are doing), define yourself and then worry about telling others. Until you have a firm grasp on where you fall in the gender identity spectrum, you may be sharing a part of you which you discover later you wish you had not. Remember once the bell is rung with those around you, it cannot be silenced.

My advice (and it is only advice) is to continue as you are and slowly stretch your boundaries within your own comfort zone. If it is something you are not truly prepared to do at a point in time . . . then don't. If you feel you can . . . you will. Don't get caught up in the "just do it all will be fine" culture which can sometimes permeate here as that is based on advice from those who have different life experiences/circumstances then you. We each need to chart our own path within our level of comfort not just rush blindly down the pathway. Remember, it is not a race.

You will get there, just breath and take the time you need. If things get really confusing then I highly recommend you link up with a local TG support group and perhaps inquire with them about a good "gender identity therapist" in your area as she/he might help bring order to chaos and provide a good sounding board for any confusion you have.

Cheers

Isha

[Mayo]

It sounds as if listening to yourself is getting you where you want to be going. Best of luck to you.

[reb.femme]

You do what you feel you can. There really isn't a 'right' and a 'wrong', there is what you can manage. It is an act of bravery to step out in the 'wrong' clothes.

Find a way to be YOU, and don't worry about if you fit some pre-defined model. It is a journey, not a light-switch.

<3

- MM

Going with my oft use phrase here, "In a nutshell".

If this sounds harsh, please believe I mean it in the best possible way. Be you and find your own path. I know that feeling of bursting to let this side of me out and would dearly tell so many about me, but for one reason or another, I don't. What would I achieve by telling? Mind you, I could then wear a lovely dress or skirt and my wedges to work.

Rebecca

[Saikotsu]

Good day, Junius.
When I first started my journey of self exploration, I really grappled with how society views proper behavior in terms of men and women. Men don't get emotional, men don't wear makeup, etc. Etc.
The more boxes society tried to impose on me, the more I felt like I wasn't allowed to be me. Eventually, I reached a point where, like you, I decided the closet was safer but way too stuffy. So I started small like you. I'm still not quite comfortable enough to go out all the time presenting as I feel. But every once in a while I do something small or hardly noticeable. Clear nail polish to work, underdressing, etc.
Start small and take it at your own pace. Don't be afraid to be you. After all, society isn't always right. Just look back at history. Societies values change over time.

[antonyio]

hi,be yourself and don't over think it,you will find most people out there take no notice of people around them