Assumptions by others about transitioning

[Ceera]

Had a blast last weekend spending virtually the whole day as Ceera at the Austin Pride Festival, and later that night at the Women's Pride Party - a mostly lesbian gathering where I was made to feel quite welcome. I think I present fairly well now, and I'm comfortable around strangers as a girl, interacting with them and chatting with them. But it's still certainly easy enough for them to realize I'm not a genetic girl. As I was talking with some of the ladies about finding my feminine side and getting out more often as a girl, I ran into an interesting situation. Several of them immediately assumed that if I want to present as a girl at all, I'm in it for the full transition! They quite accepted my girl side, but it was clear from their comments that they assumed I would be starting to live full time as a girl, now that I had found this side of me.

In my case, I'm gender fluid. I like expressing both sides, and while I certainly am going to spend more time as Ceera, I don't see my male side ever going away. It's a bit hard to get that across sometimes. Have any of you ever run into that? People who accept that you're TG, but assume that it's the same thing as full-on TS?

[Pat]

To recap: you're in a room full of lesbians; you're presenting as a woman; you're surprised they assume you might want to be a woman full time.... hmmm. I'm going to go out on a limb and presume that most lesbians think being a woman is a pretty good thing. And they'd think that you must agree since you appear to be trying to be a woman. And so they extend that thought to an assumption that you'd want to be one of the coolest creatures (in their opinion) all the time.


It gets mentioned in this forum a lot that most people think crossdressers want to transition. I think it's one of the most common misconceptions, but really it's just a part of the human condition -- if you were in some other situation (you play golf, you're a musician, you ride a motorcycle) people would still make assumptions about you and those assumptions will mostly be wrong. That's because they're coming at it from their viewpoint not yours. It's OK. You are probably doing the same to them.

[Allisa]

I think that's an assumption many take about those of us who are comfortable going out expressing our femme side. The more we have natural femme traits(long natural hair, longer nails, even pierced ears, etc...) the more they assume, I believe from lack of correct info on our situation and exposure to our kind. I used to get that question more when I first started going out but now it is just assumed by others or they may be more afraid to insult me by asking. That is why we must get out and inform the public that we are here and there are so many variations.

[Marcelle]

Hi Ceera,

I truly believe it is more associated with a lack of understanding by those in the Vanilla world about the spectrum as we know it. For the uninitiated, they tend to only see the binary of gender (male/female) and when they see on of us in person, they naturally assume someone who is public is more likely attempting to align themselves with the target gender they are presenting. I live this assumption quite regularly at work when new people meet me for the first time. When you attempt to educate and point out that for some it is not always "transition" they can get the Jeopardy Screen Saver look but after a bit of careful analogies, they tend to get it.

Cheers

Isha

[Krisi]

It's already been gone over many times that most of the public believes crossdressers are either gay or want to have surgery to become a woman. You just experienced the normal questions we all have faced or will face from people who are not crossdressers.

[I Am Paula]

You walked right into the binary world. You can be a girl, or become one, or you can be a guy, or become one. You CAN'T be both. That simply does not compute.

[Kate Simmons]

Not really. I have had folks ask me if I planned to transition but never any that assumed ahead of time that I intended to.

[Tina_gm]

I am sure most of us have seen a documentary or two or more on people who have transitioned fully, but sadly for some of them, they will always have part them, their face, or physique that lets others know they were once men. Many in the vanilla world may assume they are just crossdressing. Then likewise, those in the vanilla world will also see such documentaries and may assume the casual CDer in public to be someone who is or has transitioned. The only way they will or anyone for that matter will know is if they are told.

[audreyinalbany]

I think that with the increased visibility of transgender women…Caitlin being the most prominent at the moment…it probably does reinforce the idea that if you dress as a woman, you must want to transition. Even when we watch "Call me Cait" together, my wife still asks…."you SURE this doesn't resonate with you??? You REALLY don't want to be a woman?" and this from somebody who knows the male side of me pretty well.

[Tracii G]

Really common misconception.

[Tina_gm]

I think a lot of partners/so's will have some natural tendency to wonder. My wife will still occasionally check to see in her ways of doing so (asking questions) if perhaps I am starting to become consumed by the power of the pink side. Watching some sort of documentary, or a show like I am Cait will cause at least some resonation with a lot of us. It may not be where we ultimately go or wish to go, but there will be some certain aspects.

[ReineD]

Ceera, no one can see the way you feel internally nor can they see your motives. Their only indication of your preferred gender, if you do not spend time explaining it to them, is how you choose to appear. If you choose to appear as a woman, people will assume that you want to be one ... not that you ARE one, but that you WANT to be one.

That said, there's a wide physical range among MtFs in terms of their ability to naturally look female, without others suspecting they are born male. I've no doubt that some people who transition can get away with only HRT (for example someone who is young), although most will require testosterone blockers if young and FFS and BAs if older, in order to not have others know they were born male. The same holds true for CDers (or gender-fluid people). No matter the motive or the desire to live or not live full time in the target gender, a limited number of genetically favored CDers can maybe appear female with just the clothes and makeup, although the vast majority cannot.

So if a person is genetically favored and/or if they've had extensive work done, onlookers will not question whether they are transitioning or not since there will be no visible clue they were born male. People will assume they are female. But if they are not genetically favored and they have not had extensive work done, then people will know they are birth males, no matter where they sit along the spectrum.

We still are at a point in our cultural awareness where, if people know that a CD, TG, or TS is born male, they will still internally think of that person as male even if they respect their desire to appear as a female and even if they tell themselves that the CD/TG/TS is transitioning. Most muggles will not lose the ability to differentiate between birth-males who present as women and genetic women, no matter the motives and end goals for the person presenting as their target gender. Clothes and makeup alone are not sufficient. In my opinion. This is because, as Isha pointed out, people know nothing other than a gender-binary world and they classify people based on their knowledge of their basic physical appearance. And this is why TSs will spend enormous sums of money in order to not appear as if they were born male.

[Teresa]

Ceera,
I've not been in that situation but I think I can understand why they should think that, I guess to them to take that much trouble about your appearance you want to live full time, maybe they think a CDer wouldn't bother as much because they're going back to drab at some point.

[flatlander_48]

C:

I participate in 2 groups. One is maybe close to 50/50 regarding crossdressers compared to people who are somewhere on the path of transitioning. The other group is perhaps 80% folks who have, or will, transition. The first group sort of takes people as they are. However, with the second there was the assumption that I intended to transition. It never occured to me that someone would jump to that conclusion.

In view of that, 2 possibilities come to mind. One is that saying: "If your only tool is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.". Point being that if transitioning is your reference, then every guy who shows up in a dress and heels must be going to transition. The second is that I am very particular about my female presentation. The thought process might be that if I put significant effort into my presentation, the goal could be full time (similar to T's conclusion).

But, the reality is that I believe I do have a degree of dysphoria. It isn't of sufficient magnitude that it is causing me a problem or needs medication. I don't have difficulty with my male persona, but there is a positive feeling when dressed.

DeeAnn

[Eryn]

It's a bit hard to get that across sometimes. Have any of you ever run into that? People who accept that you're TG, but assume that it's the same thing as full-on TS?

Joe Public likes to keep things simple. Boys. Girls. Boys who want to be girls. Girls who want to be boys. That's it. The idea that someone would want to live in the middle is a far too complex for anyone outside our community. The media does nothing to explain the situation.

[Sarasometimes]

I think that the GLB members can often times have the same misconception of the meaning of the T as the general public. I also think that most of the GG's who participate here have or had a difficult time grasping why males want to cross dress and many have asserted that females don't do that nearly ever unless they wish to transition. I think these are reasons for the response you got.
Even many females have a tough times understanding why a male would want to emulate being a female or feminine. Emulating maleness and the masculine generally is seen as a positive goal in a patriarchal society (almost all humankind, unfortunately).
A big reason G and L are making headway in acceptance is that they have picked a binary sex to be attracted to. The female members of the B are great because it is a common guys fantasy and woman can sort of see it too. The males in the B group are probably in the same boat as we CD's are. General society demands you pick a team.

[Sarah Doepner]

I can't say anything about the perception of the public that hasn't already been said. I would only add that you found yourself in a great teaching moment for those not on a transition path. I hope they went home that evening with a new and more accurate perspective on gender.