I'm new to all of this. I don't own any clothes for Abby, or have my own makeup. I don't own a wig, or breast forms. All I have is this deep-seated need.
Today, I shaved my facial hair completely off, for the second time since it started growing in almost 20 years ago.
With my wife's permission, I used her concealer, foundation, blush, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara, eye liner. It was incredible. It felt like I was finally seeing myself for the first time since before puberty. I even took a picture, and had a smile. A genuine smile.
And then I had to take it off. My children were waking up from their naps, so daddy had to come back.
I don't know how to describe what I felt as I destroyed the reflection of me in the mirror and put my mask back on. A mask, made not with makeup, but with lies. I killed Abby with soap and water and went back to lying about who I really am.
It hurts. I don't like it.