How?

[mechamoose]

How do you help someone who is lost?

How *can* you help someone who is lost in their own despair?

What do you (YOU) do when you see that someone is barely hanging on? Someone who has given up hope. Someone who feels that they have no more options?

Some of us here reach that point. If you see someone in that sad place, what do YOU do?

How can you save them? How can you help them?

How far are you willing to go?

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
- The Fray

Pardon me. It was recently pointed out to me that some of us are willing to drive into a bridge over this stuff. *I* know who I am and what I am. I have the comfort of a loving family. We don't all have that.

Sorry for being melodramatic. It is just weighing on me at the moment.

- MM

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o M&M,
It may be really difficult to see how far over the cliff someone may be..
Some of us are just "Drama Queens", and others are wannabees.
If your a really close friend with someone, hopefully you'll read the trouble signs
And if a friend is really in trouble, hopefully those signs are painted in neon colors!
Ask your friends how things are going,'if something's off, their response will be off.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Shelly Preston]

Yes you can help people

The trouble is no two situations are identical and what is needed may change.

Sometimes listening is enough at other times it may involve a 300 mile drive, you just never know.

[Bobbi46]

twice in my life I attempted suicide but did not quite do it but I have had loads of dark moments over the years on occasions one or other of my friends has said "you look a bit down, are you ok" and then talking it over one feels better again, so getting back to the nub of this post is that there are always signs of one sort or another that something is not quite right, being a close friend to that person is a start because then you can sympathise and offer helpful things to get them back on track. I do not have the joy of having close family, they are in U k I am in France, so there are times when "drive into the bridge " have crossed my mind, that is when my friends notice a change in me and talking sorts it all out. As the saying goes a problem shared is a problem solved. Bottling up is not good but we are all guilty in some way or other of bottling things up.(23 years of forensic photography and there are so many things to this very day that I cannot tell people because of the gory nature of what I had to photograph),as I have already said there will all ways be signs that somebody needs help, and it may be that they are either too shy to reach out for help or on the other hand not realising that they do need help. One does not need to be qualified in any way I think just our own experiences in life can offer ways, thoughts and ideas and sympathies to help these people.
How can you help them? easy, offer support, a good listening ear, and probably the most important, confidentiality, not everybody wants there innermost weaknesses known to all and sundry. sympathy also goes a long way and also offer whatever help you can give them to get them back onto the straight and narrow again and to get them to believe in themselves again.

[Kate Simmons]

I often extend myself in behalf of others here by PM and/or invitation to correspond/phone. Most do not respond, so I can only assume that they don't want to talk. Their choice really. I can only do so much.

[Katey888]

It's not melodrama, MM... You are expressing humanity in a world that is obsessed with material success and development and that has lost touch with the importance of spirituality and how important that should be to people, family and society overall.

All we can do sometimes is offer a sympathetic and empathic ear and try to let people know that some are prepared to listen and that there can be light after even the deepest darkness...

Those of us that have been close to that probably have a better idea of how hard it can be - and I am constantly drawn back to the words of Winston Churchill (who suffered horrendous depths of depression under the pressure to carry support for an entire country):

"If you're going through Hell - Keep going!"

Katey x

[flatlander_48]

Over the years I've discovered that I am sensitive to how people are. It's not that I can tell exactly what's wrong with them, but I can sense when something is "off" even when they try to hide it. It isn't any one thing. It could be body language, speech inflections, cadence, being "here" but not "here", etc. What it amounts to is a mismatch of some sort.

Unless we are truly pathological, humans give off signs when we are in conflict over something. It's very difficult for us to screen all of that out. Or, when we can screen it out, we can't keep it up for very long.

Further, our conflicts can happen in different ways. We can be completely baffled by our desires. For example, we've seen this here on the forum when people are in the midst of distress as the notion of crossdressing begins to take hold. All of a sudden they begin to see that their lives are not as straightforward as they thought. Or, as they begin to make peace with this new facet of their lives, the distress enters because of the uncertainty of what changes may take place in their family lives, work lives and social lives.

I think presence is very important. It is very easy for us to make up stories about how things sit currently or what may happen in the future when we are by ourselves. The presence of another human being can work to interrupt and challenge these thoughts. The thing is, we should never tell someone what to think. However, we can remind them about things that might be useful to think about.

It is often hard for us to be willing to get involved with someone else's difficulties. Sometimes we are not in a good place and we don't have enough free space in our minds to be able to do it. Sometimes our life situations may not allow enough time to be there for someone else. In a way, it is sort of like coming out. You have to evaluate each situation and decide what you want to do or can do.

DeeAnn

[PaulaQ]

I try to watch for people who exhibit suicidal ideation. I especially look for people who seem to be getting terrible advice. "You're just a CD", "You'll be alone forever - or worse - only another trans woman will partner with you!!!", "you haven't met __________ (insert random trans milestone), therefore you aren't real", etc.

If their problems are gender related, I try to get them to a therapist, and share my own story via PM.

I try to talk them down. I try to find something they may want to live for, I've tried begging, pleading, manipulation, making promises - anything to calm them down. I've had to do this a lot.

[pamela7]

my father did commit suicide and there were no warning signs we could recognise at the time. a friend's brother also did the same. it is perhaps due in part to these kinds of events that i trained in and studied how humans are as they are, in order to help others.

I have talked down an urgent suicide situation in very difficult conditions - this was my wife's best friend going to suicide as her husband had left her, while I was going through leaving my ex wife, so she did not even want to speak to me, and i think my ex both hated me and was grateful to me simultaneously for helping her friend save herself.

It takes intuition, calm, peace, presence, empathy, compassion, sympathy, acceptance, and a positive attitude, and you can help someone make that difference. I'm sure there are websites with warning signs, which most of us never read until AFTER its too late. One warning sign is that most people who commit suicide talk about it (before!). Always take such talk 1000% more seriously than the talker will perhaps allow.

I've also read in a person the emotional blackmail form ("i'm going to ... unless ..."). In this counter case, call their bluff. Tough love, it is.

xxx Pamela

[Sara Jessica]

This is the kind of thing someone might get only a single chance to get it right. Make the wrong decision, there is no second chance.

I had such an opportunity once. I gave her space, knowing she was under professional care and had a circle of support that was closer than I. Yet I feel as if I made the wrong decision because she ultimately took her life.

It would be rather grandiose of me to think that I alone could have made any difference, yet when thinking of her I inevitably run through the "what-if's" in my mind. Perhaps it is human nature, part of the whole "hindsight is 20/20" thing.

I don't necessarily want to face such a scenario ever again, yet I would never shy away from such a responsibility that comes with being a friend.

[Katie01]

The best thing you can do is LISTEN. Be relentless in telling them you want to hear what they are feeling and that you are there for them. Don't relate you're experiences to theirs or try to fix anything. This is all about them not you. Just listen to their story. Be empathetic. Love them.