Bleak today

[Suzanne F]

You know I am usually positive in my posting. Today not so much. I have to appear as a male tomorrow at a customers plant because they are having issues with one of my packages. I am waiting on the president of my company to formulate a plan for moving forward with my being me at work. It is taking too long! I can't hardly do it anymore! I have been having panic attacks and just cannot face doing this. I remember a few years ago reading posts by women who were struggling in my position and I had no real idea how bad it was. I know I have to take care of my family but it is paralyzing. I know I sound crazy and unstable and I hate that. I always try to have it together but I don't at this moment. I just have to hang on!!!!
Suzanne

[arbon]

I did that for quite a while for work and my wife and daughter nick named me twitch because I was such a frazzled nervous depressed wreck I was twitching all the time. Just have to get through it. It is only temporary. There is light at the end. Wish I had better advice.

[I Am Paula]

I really feel for you. I tried to do a few things in male mode, mostly for the sake of others, and it became more difficult each time. All I can suggest is you get your work to speed up your time line.
I hope it goes well for you, I know exactly where youre coming from.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Suzanne;

I get it just finished that stage only recently. Yep hell. Still considered being there a bit with the electro scruffiness aspect and even that makes me cringe for a couple of days.

I feel for you.

Chin up... Jennifer

[PretzelGirl]

I don't know that there is good advice for this. It is something many go through. It is hard to focus elsewhere from the dysphoric feelings. But your future is close. You are getting there.

[Rianna Humble]

Suzanne, I can remember how hard this sort of thing was for me, so I have some idea of what you are feeling. I wouldn't wish those feelings on my worst enemy, but the only coping mechanism I found was to remember that it was only temporary and to concentrate on the matter in hand.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this and hope it is only a very temporary glitch in your progress at work.

[becky77]

Yeah that bit sucks!
I coped by separating the two in my mind, the work was necessary and I almost compartmentalized it.
One day I had a job on the coast and took my friend, went to my meeting and after we popped to the seafront for food. It was like the moment I went to the seafront was not work and it was horrendous, huge anxiety kicked in, I felt extremely self conscious and just had to get out of their as soon as I could.
I put myself in a zone at work and as soon as I stepped out of that mental zone it was really tough, I would creep home from work trying to hide from neighbours, neighbours that I interacted with as a woman the rest of the time and couldn't bare them seeing me back as a man.

Makes no sense as my neighbours all knew but the more I was able to live as myself the worse it was going back to being a man.

The one good thing is, that intense feeling will help reduce the fear of going full-time.
By the time I went full-time at work it was a relief.

[PaulaQ]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, Suzanne. Shifting back and forth like that is incredibly painful and stressful. I'm glad they are working on your transition plan - a girl can only keep up the act for so long.

[Marcelle]

Hi Suzanne,

I am so sorry to hear this and while I cannot offer much advice, I can understand the angst you feel as that is point I get to when I have switch from male to female. Last week the panic got so bad, I thought I was having a heart attack. Is there scope to approach your president to explain the angst you are feeling and perhaps speed up the transition plan? My thoughts are with you.

Isha

[flatlander_48]

S F:

As you can tell, The Team is completely behind you and hopes for the best outcome. I guess the best thing to say is the the situation seems to be pretty definable in terms of duration. It doesn't appear to be an extended time that can go on and on.

Remember the old saying: "Where there is a Will, there is a Way."? There are some very good reasons why you do what you do and why that is important. Think about those reasons and that's what drives the Will. Hopefully the Way will present itself shortly thereafter.

DeeAnn

[Eringirl]

Hi Suzanne: Also sorry that you are going through this. I have the same issue. Not full time yet, as I am still in male mode at work and it does suck. My boss told me that if the GD gets really hard, work from home and be Erin if that is what it takes. So far, I haven't had to do that, and I really do enjoy being around the people at work, but good to know that is an option. But yes, this is the part that does suck, but not for much longer for you. And as Becky said, it does make one look forward to going full time forever. I know that I can't wait so that I don't have to go through this stupid duality.

[Angela Campbell]

The in between period is awkward and extremely uncomfortable. Right of passage I guess. Most of us go through it.

Good news! It passes, and things get much better.

[charlenesomeone]

Hang on Susan, feeling it with you.

[GretchenJ]

Hi Suzanne,

How did you make out today? I agree with all here, and yourself, it does suck !! You have done all the legal stuff, and you want to make a clean break, but situations belond your control are holding you back.

Is there any leeway to talk to your HR representative to put together a transition plan, as to when Suzanne will be official and that the old male persona is no more. I would think that they could have sent someone to the visitor location instead of you, having the president tell the client that you are one STI, or working at home because you can't drive or anything...

Dont fret, you made the long journey, you are just a couple of blocks away from your final destination!

Keep your head high!
Gretch

[Badtranny]

My therapist said something that still sticks with me. (many things actually)

It was right before I started coming out at work, and I told her about my 'plan'. I was going to start with close friends, and then to certain people as the opportunity presented itself, and I would be totally out in about a year. Well, we'd had many appointments by then and she knew that I was out to my social circle, and she knew my comfort level in regard to my self acceptance and she said this; "I don't think you'll be able to last a year, I think you'll start coming out to everyone within a couple of months".

I didn't believe her of course and she countered with her experience watching dozens of trans people sliding right down that coming out slope. Her patients always told her that coming out was so powerful that once you start doing it, you literally can't wait to do it again. She was right.

Once that snowball started rolling I couldn't stop it. Didn't want to stop it either. It wasn't long before I was all the way out and wouldn't shut up about it.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I'm a bit confused. I thought you had already gotten your legal name change. If so, how could they not recognize you as Suzanne.? If I'm mistaken, then just ignore this.

[grace7777]

It would seem to me that all the president of your company has to do is send out an email to everyone in your company and to all customers you deal with explaining that you have transitioned. Also, since you mostly work at home, there should be less issues than if you worked full time in the office.

[Nigella]

First of all, some should have a look at Suzanne's initial report about meeting the Company President (CP).

Suzanne, have you been in contact with the CP since your initial meeting? I can honestly say I have not felt as you do, my employment started as Nigella so had no issues with "coming out". Having said that, one thing that was constant with each process of moving forward was done with constant referral to my management team and personnel. If you need an "excuse" to find out how far things have progressed, just offer your help to forumlate a plan or even a policy.

As far away as it seems at the moment, things will pass, remain strong and use this forum to vent your frustrations, we will help with that at least