Getting extremely frustrated with crossdressing

[mikeyp]

You've probably seen me post here before, but I'm just becoming more and more frustrated with myself.

Sorry if this seems a bit too explicit but about a year ago I discovered part of my sexuality. I hadn't masturbated until I was 21, ever. Life wasn't the greatest, but I can say without hesitation that without masturbating, it was MUCH better than it is now.

All of my life I was a fat kid, bullied, abused by parents at a young age, lacking confidence, etc. At 19 years old I managed to lose a lot of weight, not enough to classify me as "normal weight", but a pretty normal adult male weight. It was euphoric, I felt attractive for the first time ever and women actually wanted to talk to me. The problem was, I was and still am extremely awkward and shy. I tend to attract women fairly easily, but I lack the skills to keep them around for long. My self confidence is so low that I won't even think of talking to a girl I'm attracted to because the rejection literally makes me contemplate suicide,

My fetishes have always been present and have been shameful since their discovery at age 12, where I had an "accidental orgasm". I know they won't go away completely, but I've also witnessed them "develop" over the course of a year to the point where everything turns me on and I can't get any work done, my OCD and Anxiety are at an all time high, which are admittedly due to several factors, but above all, I want to have a girlfriend someday and eventually become a father. I clearly have many other issues to work with.

A lot of it is trying to figure out where the hell I fit, BDSM, trans, etc. I've come to realize though that "figuring things out" has fed into my crippling mental illnesses, mainly OCD, which causes me to "self check" for arousal at all times of the day. I went to a wedding last night and seeing the chicks dressed like that was an immense turn on for me. Not only because of the "girlyness", but because I just wanted sex.

One thing's for certain, I've changed negatively over the past year. I've told my mother, brother, father, etc about it, they didn't really seem to care and laughed it off, but I still care. I'm not really sure what to do now. While there's clearly nothing wrong with crossdressing, and it shouldn't be something that needs "curing", there is something wrong in my mind to the sexual addiction and fixation I've associated with crossdressing that needs to be addressed, something that probably stems deeper than what I can even comprehend. I want to be able to stop focusing on the "why" and start focusing more on the "what now?".

I know myself well enough I suppose, but not this time. My life has been plagued with fixations, whether it be irrational fears such as accidentally harming myself or my loved ones, becoming a pedophile and avoiding children, becoming a serial killer, etc. Then there have been multiple addictions which drew me away from the world like video games, alcohol, etc. I know that no matter how much you love something, if it's taking away from your well being and leaving you isolated, it's better to leave it.

Only now am I starting to see that with every fixation I've ever had, there HAS to be some sort of deeper issue. Ideally, I'd like to be able to crossdress, get my sexual gratification and think nothing more about it, but it just feels so damn good that my mind almost feels "conditioned" to it, whereas the urge wasn't AS strong when I first started.

Sorry for the weird paragraphs, just in a really dark place right now.

[danam]

Here is a simple list of advice:
1. Find a professional therapist.
2. Focus on becoming a productive member of society first. You will need #1 for advice and help to achieve this goal.
3. Learn to be happy by yourself, as yourself, while also adhering to #2.
4. Achieve #2 and #3, and women (or whatever your preference) will come to you. Potential life partners really, really, REALLY like people who achieved #2 and #3 above. Awkwardness or not.
5. Your sexual fantasies will be easy to realize after completing #4 above.

[mikeyp]

Thanks for that reply. When I find something interesting, or that brings me enjoyment, I tend to pursue it until the end. As a result, I don't have my life in any sort of balance. Lots of you guys here seem to have your lives together financially, and seem to know what you want for the most part. I have always had trouble in this area. Also, I'll be seeing a therapist soon, I sure do hope I can come to some sort of happiness within myself...

[Aleca]

No one can completely give up crossdressing. People CD for numerous reasons. You sound like you could benefit from sexaholics anonymous, which works to control the out of control masturbation. Also might suggest trying a codependent s anonymous group. Definitely counseling too.

[mikeyp]

Yeah, I know the desire will always be there and I've fully accepted that. The desire has in fact, always been there. I"m moreso prepared to put it on the "backburner" now, in terms of where I think my life should be going. I can't keep this down to moderation, but I do know that my life was better without a sexual addiction, it wasn't great, I had my problems, but it was bearable. Yes though, I'm going for counseling ASAP. I want to get back to school.

[TrishaTX]

Therapy helped me allot I think you should give it a whirl!

[Lena]

"rejection literally makes me contemplate suicide" = immediate therapy.

Just saying, we all have issues or we wouldn't be looking for answers. Some of the issues are a self journey, others are life threatening and need immediate professional attention.

If you really lost your job, quit school because you're addicted to self pleasure and gratification, you should realize that is an issue. and obviously you do, or you wouldn't have started this thread.

[Tracii G]

We have all been bullied and made fun of,rejected by the other sex and masturbated so you are not so different from anyone else.
Losing friends, a job and all the other stuff you are going thru is all of your own doing so don't put the blame on others.
It might sound cold but you need to get a grip and straighten up.
If you truly want things to change its up to you to see that it gets done.
You should seek professional help and soon.

[mikeyp]

Yeah, it does sound as if I'm putting the blame on others, and I'm going to attempt to get past that. The one problem is, I don't really have any insurance, nor do I come from a family that has funds(seriously, we're pretty low in the money dept). Getting govt paid medical insurance is going to be kindve time consuming and I wish I didn't have to wait that long.

[Tracii G]

See there you go making excuses again as to why you can't seek help.
Go to the health dept and see if they can help you out.
I don't have insurance either but I manage to get health issues taken care of.
I would suggest finding a job and making some some money.I know that sounds hard but its what you have to do if you really want help.
Therapists take cash and if you don't have much of that on hand they will work out a payment plan.
I do that with my chiropractor
What I'm saying is you need to be responsible for you and not depend on others.

[Mink]

See there you go making excuses again as to why you can't seek help.
....
What I'm saying is you need to be responsible for you and not depend on others.

how can one get help if they need a job to get the money to get help but the help they really need is needed before they can get a job / get help?

I don't think you quite see how hard it can be!

and putting some sort of blame on This and This is YOUR FAULT or YOU NEED TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM isn't really answers?

mental / emotional / social problems esp. when combined with sexual disfunction or addiction... that's hard stuff

esp. with money problems and the very issues keeping you from getting help AND how crap they make getting help in this dang mental health worldset!

jesus!

I also find it kind of ironic... how he needs to do this himself and not depend on others... (now go see a therapist to help you! [ha!]...)

I find this sort of tough love / vague advice not helpful at all and in some ways even MORE damaging than being utterly dependent / blaming

it's not always so black and white dang nabbit!

[Lena]

I'm not sure, but I would assume there are some free evaluation/help organizations in your neighborhood. If all else, call the suicide hotline and let them tell you where you could get free counseling. Worse case, you go to a therapist and ask him where you could get free counseling. I'm sure there are support groups also.

[danam]

I was in a very, very low place in my early 20s. I can relate somewhat. I found salvation by focusing first on finding a way to make a living, and then second by learning to accept that I might end up alone in life. Once I succeeded in finding a decent trade, and then being comfortable with living alone, suddenly I had women coming to me. It was crazy how those two things lead to finding a much better place in life. But, I must say, in complete retrospect, 20 years later, it would have been a heck of a lot better to have found a therapist. I think I got lucky that I was able to navigate those waters alone. Just plain luck.

[Gabby6790]

I think there is some really good advice here although it may be tough in how it is communicated.

First off, I agree with those saying you need therapy. That will help you tremendously.

My big take away besides that the addictive personality and money issues is that you really don't have any major issues. It sounds like you have health, food, family, and a roof over your head. Start by realizing that these are all things to be SUPER happy about.

Then focus on really REALLY working to achieve a couple of goals. Mainly finding assistance for therapy and finding a job. You may have to work an insane amount to achieve these goals but it is worth it. Do whatever you have and work really hard. It will be hard and you will suffer setbacks but don't quit because life is about how you deal with adversity.

[OCCarly]

If you don't have health insurance, enroll in Obamacare when enrollment opens in November. You are unemployed, you should qualify for full subsidized care. Once you get on, see a therapist. Really see a therapist. I'm no shrink, but from what little I know a lot of what you are going through now are reactions to the bullying and abuse you suffered as a child. I think a good therapist could really help you deal with that.

[docrobbysherry]

Mikey, I hate to say this but I think your problem is u r still very young and immature. Much like my 21 year old daughter. She enjoys watching TV, being online, and shopping. While neglecting her chores and dabbling at college classes. Much like u, she has little moivation or direction yet. Hopefully, u both will attain those qualities in time. In her case, work hard at getting into and completing classes at a 4 year college or get a job that pays enuff to give her some independence. Which she says she wants but isn't doing anything to achieve it.
;
When u become tired of your situation I believe u will find ways to get the professional help u obviously want and need. And begin the work necessary for u to become the happy, healthy, accomplished adult u wish to be.

[Tracii G]

Many young people today grew up in what some call the me, me, me or I want it now generation.Instant gratification syndrome some call it.
Many grew up with their parents coddling them as they grew up with the you are special speech.
They grow up finding out they are not all that special and can't deal with others so well when things don't go their way.
Some just give up on themselves too quickly and don't realize they CAN achieve most anything if they put in the effort.
I know it sounds harsh but its true.
She needs help to get her sexual fantasies sorted out so they don't ruin her life.
Fetishes are fine but there need to be control.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm becoming more and more frustrated with myself. I hear you.

I hadn't masturbated until I was 21. It's a novelty, a very exciting and engrossing novelty.

Life was MUCH better than it is now. You had zero responsibility then and you knew little about anything.

I was a fat kid. Never easy to be the odd one out in a group, and kids are merciless.

I was bullied. It's horrible- the effects last a long time and affect us to the core.

I was abused by parents at a young age. This undermines trust, makes forming relationships unnecessarily difficult.

I was lacking confidence. Not surprisingly.

At 19 I managed to lose a lot of weight. What caused this sudden shift?

I felt attractive for the first time. The weight loss helped- but it was also your increased confidence and self esteem which made you more attractive.

Women wanted to talk to me. It must have felt fantastic!

I am extremely awkward and shy. I hear you, but these are not fatal flaws.

I tend to attract women fairly easily. That's a remarkable ability which few men possess.

But I lack the skills to keep them. Skills can be learnt, and you're still young- there's plenty of time.

My self confidence is so low that I won't even think of talking to a girl I'm attracted to because the rejection makes me contemplate suicide. Then talk to plain girls- make them feel special.

My fetishes have been shameful since age 12, where I had an "accidental orgasm". You weren't taught about sex, orgasm or masturbation, it appears. This is not your fault.

I've witnessed my fetishes develop over the course of a year to the point where everything turns me on and I can't get any work done, my OCD and Anxiety are at an all time high. And it's time to get help. Coming here is a good start. Drink less coffee, learn a musical instrument.

I want to have a girlfriend someday and eventually become a father. Let's focus on learning the skills to form a healthy relationship before you think about becoming a dad.

I'm trying to figure out where the hell I fit, BDSM, trans, etc. And you're not alone, most of us are still trying to figure ourselves out.

"Figuring things out" has fed into my OCD, which causes me to "self check" for arousal at all times of the day. Force yourself to break the thought pattern, exercise your will- it's your life- take control of it. Be less self-indulgent.

I've changed negatively over the past year. And that can change again too.

I've told my mother, brother, father, etc about it, they didn't really seem to care and laughed it off. Stop looking for their approval. Now. They're lousy teachers and you can do better elsewhere.

There's clearly nothing wrong with crossdressing, and it shouldn't be something that needs curing. Correct.

There is something wrong in my mind to the sexual addiction and fixation I've associated with crossdressing that needs to be addressed. It's arousing for some; not for others.

I want to be able to stop focusing on the "why" and start focusing more on the "what now?". An admirable ambition.

My life has been plagued with fixations, whether it be irrational fears such as accidentally harming myself or my loved ones, becoming a pedophile and avoiding children, becoming a serial killer, etc. And it is possible to put down that burden, to leave it behind you.

Multiple addictions drew me away from the world like video games, alcohol, etc. I hear you.

No matter how much you love something, if it's taking away from your well being and leaving you isolated, it's better to leave it. Correct.

With every fixation I've ever had, there HAS to be some sort of deeper issue. Yes. And it is possible to explore, face and grow yourself.

I'd like to be able to crossdress, get my sexual gratification and think nothing more about it, but it just feels so damn good that my mind almost feels "conditioned" to it, whereas the urge wasn't AS strong when I first started. Yes, you have OCD. This is readily treatable.

Just in a really dark place right now. With patience, learning to love and accept yourself, and the certainty that you can change, your world will become lighter - in both senses of the word.

Hugs, Nikki

[Tracii G]

Great post Nikki.

[LilSissyStevie]

You seem a lot like me when I was younger except I never had any trouble attracting girls...initially. Girls would come on to me all the time as I would NEVER come on to them. But they would soon be turned off by my extreme shyness, depression, lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem and seething rage. Once I discovered drugs and alcohol I found it altered my personality 180 degrees. Girls loved the new me. But that only worked for a few years before I was much worse off than when I started. Then I had to either deal with my issues or die.

I don't know if you use porn to stimulate your fantasies but I don't think it's really important whether the porn is on the internet, erotic literature or just in your imagination except that internet porn appears to be especially pernicious. It can destroy your ability to have real sex or relationships with real people. Here's a good video on the science of how porn (or any addiction) affects the brain.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oFVOJf0TzY

I never had any luck with therapists so I can't really recommend that route. I just can't trust anyone who hasn't experienced what I have. They may give good advice but it's only what they read in books. You might try, if you haven't already heard of it, nofap.com which is a community of people trying to recover from the addiction you have described.

[Alice Torn]

Mikey, You sound so very similar to me, especially in the past, but, i still am in a difficult place, with my toxic family of origin here, and little income, and , at age 61, about done with wanting a girlfriend or wife, or children. I have been feeling suicidal once in a while, too, even recently, but my pets help me stay on, and the knowing i have been through tons of emotional hell in this cruel world, but have kept going. I see the times very difficult we are entering, and being without someone, other than some friends and acquaintances, or pets, not so bad, like i thought for decades. A loving dog or cat, or bird, can light up your life, like my 2 cats do for this old loner. I struggle with a lot of dressing issues , too, the sometimes guilt, shame, secrecy. You have more guts than me. i would never tell any relative. I have gone to support groups: Sex and love addicts anonymous, AA, Alanon, Codependents Anon, Emotions Anonymous. In bigger cities, there are far more support groups. Where i live , there are very few.

[heatherdress]

Mikeyp - I feel for you and understand the intensity of your range of feelings. You do need to see someone who can give you professional help. Don't wait for things to get worse. If you do not have a primary care doctor or if you cannot see a therapist, try calling 1 (800) 273-8255 if you feel desperate. It is a hotline for people who are really stressed out. You deserve help! I am glad that you still care and that you recognize that you need help. We all do, at times. Good luck, Mike.

[St. Eve]

Thanks for the risk of your intimate and honest post.
You received tons of advice - much of it quite compassionate and helpful, so, I won't add any to it, I will just share my experience.

I experienced early childhood sexual abuse and a decent level of family neglect and have a generational family history of mental illness and addiction and secrets and oppression (Eastern European Jews.)
I struggled with depression, deep shame, and low self confidence for decades. My connections to / dependence on arousal, fantasy, masturbation and women's clothing were grooved by the time I was 10.

I survived and had some really good experiences mixed in with my depression and secret crossdressing / arousal, lust, fantasy, masturbaton life for 20 years. I always came back to a similar hopeless place....

What has worked....safe community (men's work, Mankind Project, 12 step communities - SA and ACA experiential bodymind work - both bodywork and psychotherapy; honesty, honesty, honesty with safe people; building a relationship of compassion and acceptance for myself.

I got sober in SA in December of 2008. After three years of recovery and no masturbation, no porn, and very limited fantasy - my neurological system changed and the intensity of being aroused by everything and everyone (and especially women's clothing) shifted. Now, 6.5 years into sexual sobriety and with a lot of ACA work under my belt, I have come back to crossdressing and I have come out to my closest loved ones as gender non-comforming. The road is not easy, and, I am more happy and more at peace than ever before. Sexuality, arousal, and lust do not rule me. I am still powerless over the thoughts or the physical response, but I do not HAVE to pursue it.

Because of the sexual sobriety and recovery through therapy and 12 step programs, I can now be in a growing, accepting, exploring process with my very real gender non-conformity which has been beneath my whole story for as long as I can remember.

I am, today, learning about my gender queerness, my authentic self, and take the risk of being truly intimate with great friends and loved ones who can support me.

It is a long journey. My journey gets significantly better after each period of desperation.
Each of us, including you, are worth the, IMHO.

peace
Eve

[Alice Torn]

St. Eve, Thanks you so very much for your bold sharing!! I can sure relate to you, as I was urged by someone to attend ACA, in Seattle, in 1985, and went qquite often for ten years. My family of origin is full of toxic secrets, and bizarreness, and no real love. Some of us were really set up to fail, but we are not losers in recovery, and if we even do only a little to help ourselves be more well, or balanced, we are not losers. I know many who have been close to suicide, but courageously keep going. Never give up Mikey!

[Tracii G]

Like Alice says never give up, you deserve to be happy.