SteppingOUT w/ Ian Harvie - The Back Story...

[flatlander_48]

I posted a notice in Upcoming Events about Ian Harvie coming to Corning, NY on October 10. I also mentioned that I will be the Mistress of Ceremonies. In other words, DeeAnn is going to out herself in front of 200-250 people. So, how did this come about?

I'm one of 4 people on the planning committee. After spending some time considering various comedians and contacting them for availability, I believe the agent of someone who was not available suggested 3 or 4 other possibilities. Ian was one of those. After checking bios and YouTube videos, we came to consensus about Ian. He had an open date and a deal was struck.

A week or 2 later, I was sitting in my kitchen, making coffee and thinking about the event. I decided to volunteer to be the MC and almost without thinking, the follow-on thought was that I needed to do it as DeeAnn. It all happened so quickly with no intermediate thought in between. I had to let that settle for a few minutes. As I thought about it, I couldn't really see a downside. I'm planning on retiring in the first quarter of next year. After I retire, we're moving to the west coast. 90% of my project team is in another country. The closest part of my wife's family is 2 1/2 hours away. The closest part of my family is 5 hours away. And, perhaps it could be useful for folks to actually see a crossdresser and realize that every guy who happens to put on a dress is not on a path to transitioning. Anyway, those are the thoughts that came to mind.

So, all of the above was closely followed by another thought: what would I wear? The answer was immediate; bright red Blazer, white satin Blouse, black leather maxi Skirt. Accessories are undecided at this point. These are all items that I purchased some months ago, but not had occasion to wear yet. Note that this doesn't represent a ton of money as the clothes came from a thrift store and an online used clothing vendor. Going from memory, I think the Blazer was about $10, the Blouse about $6 and the Skirt was about $12.

I've always had a great liking and sensitivity for clothes. This covers both male and female variations. I like the idea of being Stylish and this does not necessarily mean In Style. Being Stylish to me implies a classic sort of thought process and bringing old and new elements together to create something that appeals. In support of this, what you'll find in my closet are things that are less than a year old next to a vintage item that is 40+ years old. Anyway, the idea is to definitely stand out but no Drag Queen, no Wal-Mart and no Soccer Mom!

A few days later, I talked to a friend from one of the groups that I hang out with. He thought it was a pretty cool idea and encouraged me to move forward with my plans.

The first step was to tell the rest of the committee that I wanted to do it. The next time we met, I said that I wanted to volunteer to be the MC, but I had one stipulation. Note that this is an LGBT employee affinity group. I told my fellow committee members that, as they knew, I identify as bisexual. But, what they didn't know was that I also identify as transgender and that I would like to present as my alter-ego, DeeAnn. The reactions were Wow!, Yes!, Didn't see that coming... But, all were on board with what I wanted to do.

The next step was to inform the rest of the group. At the next general body meeting, I essentially repeated what I said above. There was silence for a few moments, but the reaction was very similar to what had happened before. All this went down over 4 months ago. So far, I have only been asked one related question. That surprised me as I thought folks would have been much more curious.

As I said, the vision about the outfit was set. However, I went to Michigan over the Labor Day weekend for my Dad's 90th birthday celebration. On the way out, I stopped at SAVERS in Rochester and found 2 of them in Toledo on the way back. Among other things, I came away with a black skirt suit by Le Suit and a medium brown pants suit by Raphaella. It's almost a curse as it has forced me to reconsider what I'm going to wear. So, when I came back home I started searching through my closet. The potential outfits went from the original one, to three and then up to five. But, I have help...

Next week I'm going to Atlanta. My son, who lives there, and I will be at Road Atlanta for the Petit LeMans weekend. There are several support events from Thursday on leading up to the Petit LeMans endurance event on Saturday. It is a 10 hour or 1000 mile event, whichever comes first. Anyway, lots of great racing with many different classes. But, I have scheduled an overnight with Phoebe Cross for Monday. I'll take some of the clothes with me and will have photos for the rest. She'll help me work through that as well as some advanced makeup work.

So, that's where things stand at the moment. More to come...

DeeAnn

[Katey888]

Wow!

250 people is a big splash and very public... I think you should have tried to pick up something Versace or YSL for an event that big...

I can see you've thought this through (and would imagine you have a PERT chart for it somewhere... ) - upsides and downsides, possible outcomes and impact. I think you'll do great and will be a fantastic ambassador for the middle-grounders and the entire TG community...

Good luck with it all - I'd be a bag of nerves already but somehow I think you'll take it in your stride, whether that's a maxi stride or a trouser-suited one...



Katey x

[mykell]

hi deeann,
sounds like a nice plan, and ian sounds like the right guy for the event, curious and will love to here the followup story, enjoy your trip to atlanta and the overnight, i just checked out her web page and i would love to go there myself, worked with ponies in my youth and would love a few photos with them also.....

[Amy Fakley]

Wow! How awesome is that??! :-)

Can't wait to see your outfits ... girl! Let em see you shine! :-)

[Jaylyn]

Plans like this should and have to be well thought out, I believe you have all the steps thought out and planned and ready for the event. Thinking out every step helps calm the butterflies one gets before a major undertaking or a big step. You will do fine just remember deep breath step forward and never regret or look back and wish you had of done something different. Remember to throw in some fun with all this and just enjoy your step forward.

[flatlander_48]

J:

In part, planning is what I do for a living. I don't really get butterflies either; only very rarely. However, what does happen is that I tend to sweat more than usual and/or go to the restroom more often. Sweating doesn't bother me, but I do plan to closely monitor my fluid intake that day. Potty breaks will also be a bit problematic as I will be dressed.

K8:

This isn't a Gown kind of town. Not that no one owns them here, but they just are not that common. There aren't a whole lot of events here where you would wear them. This is a town of about 11,000 people. If I were to wear one, I'm sure I would be the only one in the room. We're also going out right after we leave the auditorium. I wouldn't want to go anywhere dressed like that. However, if I went home to change, I probably say screw it and stay home. That, plus it really isn't me. So far, I haven't developed a thing for gowns; at least not enough to motivate me to look for one.

m:

I don't know if you found Ian's web page, but it is:

http://ianharvie.com

A:

I have a new camera coming that should arrive before I leave town. The P&S I had crapped last week at age 5. Interesting how it didn't last as long as 35mm SLR's and dSLR's I've had. I will take some photos before I go and Phoebe will take a bunch.

Also, I almost forgot to mention, I have personally been inviting friends and telling them what the situation is. Two weeks ago I started with my department manager and have talked to 7 others (4 men, 3 women total). So far, so good; all positive reactions to this point.

DeeAnn

[Amy Fakley]

So excited for you! Can't wait to see the pics!

[flatlander_48]

The Story So Far...

So, I've returned from Atlanta. My son and I had a very soggy 3 days at Road Atlanta, but as always, Even A Bad Day At The Races Beats A Good Day At Work, Everytime!

I also visited the Center For Civil And Human Rights in downtown Atlanta. My son is one of the department managers there and it is an extraordinary place. Beautiful building and many very moving exhibits. I thoroughly reccomend it!

https://www.civilandhumanrights.org

I did the overnight with Phoebe Cross. As usual, she was a delight. We looked over the 2 possible outfits I brought with various possibilities for scarves, jewelry, etc. She gave her opinions about what she thought would work, which combinations are better than others, etc. I find it helpful that Phoebe usually has specific reasons as to why something works or doesn't. Once we decided on the outfit, I got dressed.

I brought the DERMABLEND cosmetics that I have been using. Phoebe commented that the foundation has really changed. When it was first introduced, it gave very good results but was VERY Difficult to work with. The current product was a great improvement. Recently I have started using the DERMABLEND Concealer. I apply it from the corners of my mouth to near the ears. My skin is a bit rough in those areas. However, for special occasions, she suggested using it all over my face. Phoebe has been trying to get me to use eye shadow for some time and I think I have finally embraced the thought. I liked what it did.

I bought a new wig recently and it is much shorter than my first one. I wanted it because it makes my earrings much more visible, but I'm beginning to think that it makes me look a bit younger. Won't turn that down!

So, here is the runner-up: antique gold jacket blouse, silver necklace, black chiffon scarf at the neck, silver cuff (looks dark in the photo) and a black leather skirt. The jacket blouse has small randomly attached rhinestones. I like the jacket blouse a lot. It is an unusual color and fits very well. But, 2 things stand out. It seems to need a stronger, more impressive necklace. It seems to just get lost in the photo. Also, the look seems to be more aimed towards evening wear, whereas I'm looking for Business Professional (or as Eddie Izzard would say, Executive Transvestite!).

The other photo is the tease. I will follow Phoebe's makeup plan pretty closely. This necklace and earrings will be part of the package, along with a red "this" and a white "that" (to be revealed later). I didn't do my usual Milk of Magnesia treatment before the makeup application. As I was warm due to thrashing around a bit, a lot of facial oil came through the makeup.

And finally, I had the discussion with my son tonight. I was planning to do this while I was visiting, but the timing didn't work out. Before that, I must say that my son impressed me. I met many of his co-workers, at the same level and above and below. The reaction to him was always the same, but I think it was characterized best by a guy on the facilities team who would be close to being my contemporary. He said "Your boy, he's a good one...". My son is soon to be 34 and I have wondered if he would ever find someplace that welcomed him, stimulated him and appreciated him for all the things he can do. I guess I would have to say I think so. My grandfather used to say "That boy is a wonder.". And yes, granddad, he is.

I gave my son the history of my involvement in our LGBT affinity group, our yearly event, what I had volunteered to do and how I'm going to do it. I wanted him to hear this from me rather than someone else. He mostly grew up here and probably there are still people here who know him. Anyway, the response was VERY positive. He asked where did I think all this was leading and I suspect he was a bit relieved when I said that I have no plans to transition. All totaled, it went better than I ever would have guessed.

Next, I will tell my daughter, but her situation is a bit different. She doesn't really have any ties with the town as she has never really lived here. She started college a month or so after we arrived here. So, I will probably talk to here next week or so.

DeeAnn

[Amy Fakley]

OMG, you look gorgeous! You're gonna knock 'em dead.
And that son of yours! I can only hope my children grow up as awesome as that. It's a serious accomplishment to raise a decent person in this day and age! well gone, girl!!

[flatlander_48]

A F:

Thanks so much!! Kind words always appreciated.

So, Veni, Vidi, Vici...

Well, perhaps not so decisively. Anyway, my preparations went well. No last minute dramas as sometimes happens to me. I planned for a 6pm arrival and the actual arrival was 6:10-6:15. As the starting time was 7:30, there was time to mingle. As a piece of information, this wasn't an out of town situation. The Museum is less than 2 miles from my house.

As I walked across the parking lot, I was a bit wobbly in the heels I was wearing. It's like I lose muscle memory and it 10-12 steps to get back in the groove. I had my black overcoat on my arm along with a black handbag. I approached the entrance, took a deep breath and opened the door. I was beyond the point of no return. That area of the building is maybe 60-80 feet of glass, so that anyone who gets within 40 feet of the building can be seen from inside. Once inside, I came upon a group of 4 or 5 people that I knew and stopped to chat for a bit. Most knew that I was going to be dressed, but I think it took a moment to register. Over the next 20 minutes or so, I stopped to chat with a couple of other small groups of people.

I found out committee leader and he took me to meet Ian. There were 4 of us Corning people and Ian and we talked until about 15 minutes before showtime. He seemed to be a genuinely engaging person. If you didn't know what he did for a living, you would be surprised that he did standup and acted. He's just that regular and likeable.

I thought it was time to take a final potty break before the show. For the FIRST Time, I used the women's restroom. As I walked in, I remembered that our local police station is 4 blocks away, so it would be a short ride if anything went sideways. There were 2 women at the wash basins and were talking as I walked past. I went into an empty stall, closed the door and prepared to sit in the proper south-facing orientation. It became quiet when the women left, but in a couple of minutes 2 more entered. When I finished, they were still in their stalls; chatting away. That seemed really odd as it is something that men usually don't do.

I stood off to one side of the auditorium and waited for a couple of minutes until 7:30. I had written some notes on an white index card with a lavender Sharpie and covered by lavender paper. I welcomed the audience and said that I am DeeAnn and will be the Mistress of Ceremonies for the evening. At that point, I went off a bit to do something personal. A good friend of mine has been in the hospital for a couple of weeks. He was in Intensive Care for the first week and looks to be in the hospital for perhaps another couple of weeks. I told the audience that I believe in the power of positive energy and enlisted their help. We did 1-2-3: "Get Well Johnny!!" twice. Unfortunately there is no video that I know of, but it did happen. There were witnesses!!

At that point, gave a brief history of our affinity group (started in 1999, ~ 30 members, roughly 50/50 split LGBT constituents to allies, we had out first 2 members from outside of the US join this year, group provides support but there is also an advocacy aspect) and of the event (formerly called the Fall Community Event, but now will be SteppingOUT; this is the 12th event and the 6th since we switched to an entertainment format). We did a raffle and then I introduced Ian.

I have to say that I'm usually pretty decent in front of people. After a few moments on stage I realized that I wasn't going to get heckled, no one was going to come for me, etc. I was fine.

Ian's comedy is not the big belly laugh variety, although some of the things he says are VERY funny. A lot of his material is related to his life so far: growing up female in Maine, coming out as a lesbian, realizing that something still wasn't quite right which eventually led to transitioning, etc. In a way, it's not unlike sitting in your kitchen across the table from a good friend who is bringing you up to speed covering the last 35 years of his life. While some parts are wickedly funny, other parts are thoughtful and poignant. Ian did a question and answer after his performance and some of the topics that came up were about transitioning, LGBT politics and more about his particular transition.

We had a couple of additional drawings and I closed the event.

Earler I mentioned the possibility of 250 people. That was the capacity for the room layout that we had. My guess is that we had 125-150. Still, that is 125-150 people who know about DeeAnn. I am reminded of something that Rachel Maddow said: "No one can insult you by telling you what you just told them.". That is a very powerful thought and very liberating. However, I can't point to a specific reason as to why I wanted to do this. But, the thought just came to me and seemed so right that there was nothing to challenge.

Over the course of the evening, several women hugged and kissed me. If this is all it took, I would have been wearing skirts years ago!! Anyway, I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

We had a gathering afterwards in the bar of a nearby hotel. We ate and drank and detoxed for a while. Ian sat next to me for some time and I liked that. He's OK...

I've attached a couple of photos: DeeAnn and Ian and DeeAnn On Stage...

[Kayla_K]

Wow... congrats. Wish I could be that brave! Your pics look lovely.

[Katey888]

Dee Ann - you look great, and very appropriate for the part (I take back what I said about YSL or Versace - you look just right! )

You're out there now... I think you have every right to be proud of what you've done as should our community - well done again!

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi DeeAnn,

WOW! What a great story and what bravery to come out to such a large group of folks . . . insert loud applause . Love the outfit, very stylish and you look great.

Cheers

Marcelle

[KitCat]

BRAVO!
Well Done DeeAnn
I only wish I could have been there to see you shine

[flatlander_48]

Thanks to all. The positive comments mean a lot to me.

I was a bit of a blur over the last few weeks to get to this point. And I have to say that it is hard to write when your nose is running and you are crying at the same time.

Think about a wheel barrow for a moment. The idea is to move it down the road. EVERYBODY has a part to play in this. It doesn't make any difference if you do 2 inches or 2 miles. The only significance is that you did what you could do. In its purest form, that's what Saturday night was like.

We never know exactly how our lives will turn out. I would hope that there will be other opportunities in the future and that I will be able to represent our community. It feels like doing this is more important than I had realized. But, there is no doubt that I've learned a lot from MANY of the folks here. We're all struggling with Something. The act of not giving in and trying to make peace with some seemingly contradictory parts of our lives is so important; much more than I knew.

Thanks for the support and the well wishes ladies!

DeeAnn

[jenniferinsf]

wonderful story, wonderful pics....so glad it all went so well...congratulations

[flatlander_48]

Some of you may know that I am a mechanical engineer. I am in the 44th year of my career. These days a significant part of my time is spent in planning. Clearly I won't say that I'm world class or anything close, but I'm not too shabby. The funny thing is that I have never been able to apply that knowledge and methodology to my personal life. On the other hand, I do seem to be able to take advantage of opportunities when they arise. This event last weekend was one of those opportunities.

So, the question is: What's Next?

There are some things that can be ruled out directly. There will be no consideration of transitioning, doing HRT, gender counseling, having the Discussion with my folks or going out dressed here in town with any frequency.

However, what I do see is this:

I will be having the Discussion with my daughter. DeeAnn will be doing her own shopping more often (thus far it has been either as Don or online). Our LGBT employee affinity group will be assisting with a training course later this month on Inclusion in the Workplace. As I am the only transgender person in the group, I volunteered to do that part of the discussion. I think the way to approach it is in terms of identities by presenting photos of me as a son, husband, father, grandfather, motorsports fan, engineer and as my transgender alter-ego. I won't be dressed (I don't think) for the training, but the photos will be representative. There is also a person in Rochester that I've met a few times who is somewhere on the path to transitioning. Interesting person to talk to and what I've noticed is that we seen to have very stimulating conversations. We've talked 2 or 3 times and it always feels like the conversation gets interrupted in the middle due to the press of other activities. Anyway, she seems like someone that I should get to know better and I think I will try to do that.

Finally, there is a quote by the the late Audre Lorde that has always stuck with me and seems to strike a resonant tone. It is elegant by way of its content as well as its simplicity and has always seemed to be something for me to hold close.

"When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

Thanks All,

DeeAnn

[Karen RHT]

Sincere congrats DeeAnn for all you have achieved. I also applaud your plans for the future, and have every reason to believe you will not only succeed, but find happiness and contentment in your activities.


Karen

[Amy Fakley]

WOW!!

I'm blown away DeeAnn. First, you look fabulous!! OMG what a great outfit!
Second ... you did it, girl!!

Congratulations. What an amazing experience that must have been.
You'll remember that forever (and hopefully get to do it many many more times)

[flatlander_48]

The saga continues...

Going back to 1999, many of the original members of our LGBT affinity group were part of our Science and Technology (S & T) organization and the group still maintains a strong relationship with that organization. Our previous CTO was a very strong supporter of the group and made diversity and inclusion a focal point. He held monthly meetings where all of the department heads gave updates as to what their groups were doing and how it was going. There was also time for updates by the 4 affinity groups associated with S & T. Our current CTO continues this practice.

We ask for volunteers from our group to prepare and give the updates. I did them for 2010 and again in 2014. For 2014 I decided to make the updates more closely aligned with current events rather than only what our group was doing. The idea was to present information related to the LGBT community that often did not appear in the popular media for one reason or another. One example was early last year I presented material on the 1138 federal regulations and statutes that hinged on marital status. There were a number of things that could not be fixed by personal legal means. One of the issues had to do with dual adoption and states that did not allow this. Basically what it means is that if one partner brought a child to the relationship, the other partner could not adopt that child. What it means is that if something happened to the original parent, the partner has no legal standing with the child. The child may be forced to become a ward of the state or possibly be snatched away by prejudiced relatives. Last November I focused on the Transgender Day of Remembrance. We live in a small town in the middle of semi-nowhere and this isn't something that is commonly known here. The brief presentation described what TDoR is intended to do, its history, current status and an overview of the statistics.

The person who is doing the updates this year is away this week and asked for someone to fill in. I said I would and this morning I covered our recent SteppingOUT event and Ian Harvie's background along with the significance of having him here. I closed with a photo of DeeAnn and Ian and I explained it this way:

"On the right is is Ian Harvie, who was great to talk with and a very non-showbizzy kind of person. On the left is DeeAnn, our Mistress of Ceremonies for the event. Now, if you have have had your morning coffee, you may have noticed that DeeAnn is actually me. DeeAnn is my alter-ego."

"Perhaps you're wondering why I would present this most personal information. There are 2 reasons. With advancing age comes liberation. And quite frankly, I don't care much anymore. The second relates to how the popular media uses the term Transgender. Janet Mock, Laverne Cox, Caitlyn Jenner and Lana Wachowski, for example, all transitioned due to a complete mismatch between their physical and emotional selves. However, everyone who identifies as transgender, does not need to transition."

And it continues...

Next week I will participate in a training class on Inclusion In The Workplace in which members of our affinity group will assist by offering a personal touch with the addition of experiences and anecdotes. I will speak to the transgender piece.

DeeAnn

[pamela7]

wow DeeAnn, you really are making a difference in your part of the world. You tell a good story, thank you for sharing.

[Katey888]

I don't know about saga DeeAnn, more of an educational epic you're developing...

And I like the way you described how identifying as TG does not always preempt transition of any sort - an important distinction for those of us who are flexi-gendered...

Oh - and make sure you have all these posts as material for the upcoming autobiography... I think you should be getting a publisher and an advance on board now...

Katey x

[flatlander_48]

p7 & K8:

I appreciate your thoughts and well wishes!

I have to admit, I don't really know exactly why all this is happening. It seems as though opportunities have been presented to me and that I should use them to good purpose. I don't really have any other explanation.

What I do know is that I've dealt with a lot of fear in my life and it relates to not being "enough"; not being strong enough, not being smart enough, not being good enough, etc. I think the root of it is not wanting to be found out that I am, in fact, different from most; very different from most. So, across 66 years to this point I've invested a lot of energy in keeping the Force Field intact; maintaining this impenetrable bubble around me lest I be found out. My second wife has seen through this, much to her credit, whereas I don't think my first wife ever did.

Writing about all of this helps verify things for me and reminds me that I did actually did them. And it isn't just about the transgender part. Earlier I talked about my son and what's going on for him now. Our lives are not isolated pieces. Each bit is related to all other bits and we really shouldn't separate them.

One other point is that I often try to weave a bit of humor into what I say and write. It strikes me that we are all dealing with some serious shit in one way or another. It is very easy to get bogged down and just have things grind to a halt for us. Externally, I think that can make whatever we say hard to hear. I know I'm learning as I go, but in parallel, I don't want to be depressed as I go.

Anyway, that's how it sits at the moment.

Good Day to All,

DeeAnn

[Amy Fakley]

I second Katey ... you need to write a biography!

You're a good writer, and just from this one thread alone, I can sense that there is so much more to tell!

To put on my hippie hat ... opportunities are finding you now, because you are in the exact place you need to be. The universe is perhaps telling you something? :-)

[GeorgeA]

You look fantastic in the photos. You are a very good storyteller and the story of your activities and achievements is well worth telling. I read it with great interest and I second others who said you should write your autobiography.

Keep up the good work and keep us posted of what`s next in your life.

Good luck!