Late night rambling Because HRT has been painfully subtle, I feel a lot of my old dys

[dreamer_2.0]

Because HRT has been painfully subtle, I feel a lot of my old dysphoria coming back. This means just about everything involving gender becomes a trigger. Men remind me of what I physically am; women remind me of what I physically am not.

Since starting to come out, I've made several wonderful female friends and have gotten closer with existing ones. I absolutely adore spending time with them, far more than hanging out with the guys. The thing is though, they're all triggers. Everything about them: they're lives, experiences, dates, clothing, etc.

Sometimes these triggers hit harder than usual and I find myself cursing my friends in my mind. Of course they don't deserve this resentfulness, but my brain doesn't seem to care much about that.

Given how being around them affects me negatively, I tend to avoid the trigger inducing friends. Am I wrong in avoiding them, in pushing them away? If they call me out, should I be honest and explain how they're a trigger? I can't see many people appreciating being told that.

Any thoughts?

[Frances]

I found that it got harder early on in the process for me as well. My body "transformation" was quite slow, and everything felt unattainable. Time + Just doing it helped me through it. I worked in an office with over 200 people. The trick is to "notice" that not all women are Nicole Kidmans. Transitioners often wear blinders when it comes to women and body types.

In regards to lives and experiences, I felt out of step with women... and men. I pretty much avoided people and experiences my whole life and lived a very introverted life. It turns out I did all sorts of interesting things that could fill up a book. I just did not do "relationship things" with other humans. Our lives are not less rich, they are different because of who we are.

For HRT changes, I did not try to fight it. A lot of uber-femme transitioners used to scold me for looking like an extra from the L Word. But a pink dress and high heels look really out of place on an bulky athletic body. In nature, I don't see a lot of women wearing super girly clothes when their body does not go that way. It took many years to get anywhere, with SRS being the game changer; my body changed way faster in the few months after SRS then it did in the years of HRT prior to surgery.

[dreamer_2.0]

Thank you for sharing, Frances.

You're absolutely right, there is a huge variety of women out there, not all of whom are Nicole Kidmmans. I am definitely guilty of wearing blinders at times. But you see, the friends I'm referring to aren't all Nicole Kidman's themselves, quite the opposite in a few cases. These women still trigger my dysphoria simply because they're women. They may not be America's Next Top Model, but they're still women; they still wake up and go through their days as women until they go to sleep, as women. They may not have what's considered a "body of a goddess" but that doesn't matter, they're still women. It is true, however, that the Nicole Kidmans I know trigger the most dysphoria.

Similar to your introverted life, I too have had my share of adventures both with and without a partner. My life certainly isn't "boring" (not always, that is). However, it seems most activities trigger dysphoria as well; after all, to most of the world, I'm still just a dude therefore any activities are participated in as a dude. To those I am out to, several consider me a woman and address me as Holly with female pronouns already, which is unreal...but it all feels like an act, like a costume. I feel stuck in between gender worlds. Still mostly in the male world but not completely, and I detest this. I'm not in the female world either though, just barely entering it. It feels good and right so far, but there's still this....I don't know, "veil" or chasm present making the cross to the female end of the spectrum still seemingly so unattainable.

Considering a successful transition as unattainable isn't new, I've heard that several times in the trans world and need to continue fighting to move forward.

Does it make sense that I consider my own transition, such that it is so far, also as trigger inducing? I am reluctant to dress up and experiment as I feel that I look ridiculous, everything feels, as mentioned above, like a costume or an act. A question floating in my mind lately is: Who is the bigger act? Holly or "him".

Much of it may be self-inflicted from my stubborn mentality. I feel awful that it's affecting relationships though as it did prior to HRT.

My therapist must love having me around as I likely provide her a lot of job security.

[Frances]

It's a looooonnnnnng process. I have been in therapy on and off for 10 years.

[Angela Campbell]

I found early on that no one thing would alleviate the Gd for long. I realized that what worked was progress. Moving forward. Slowing down or sitting still had a bad effect. Just taking hormones was ok for a while, but I also had to hair removal, or plan other things like name change and such. I had to continually keep moving towards a goal.

[Badtranny]

Relax. You may need to find a therapist to talk through this stuff if it's causing you that much difficulty.

I've said many times here that I was never much of a cross-dresser but I don't think I've mentioned that I think it was the summer of 2009 when the transition bug bit and it manifested in kind of a weird way. I was really enjoying going out to bars and events in typical Tranny Gear and those months were the first time that I'd ever experienced being perceived as something other than a man. Then one day I was out shopping with my bestie when I passed by a mirror and was so horrified by what I saw that we immediately left, and that was the last time I ever cross-dressed during the day. It suddenly occurred to me that I hated the way I looked. I wasn't some fabulous looking tranny, I was a damn dude in a dress, and for the very first time, I was forced to get real about what this all meant. Later that year I was so upset about where this all might be going that I purged everything and called the whole thing done.

Just a couple of months later in early January 2010, I was in a pretty bad car accident. Through no fault of my own I find myself standing on the side of a road without a scratch on me and terrified that my life could have ended without ever being lived. That summer I was in therapy and on HRT.

What I want you to know is we have all gone through some real shit to get to the other side. There are people who will NEVER pull the pin because it is just too damn awful to consider. This is not an easy road, but you don't have the luxury of wallowing in your anxieties. You have to keep moving.

When you're going through hell, just keep on going.

[dreamer_2.0]

Thank you kindly for these posts and input. Some good points to consider.