Stuck in a man suit.

[Zooey]

First of all, I've thought a lot about whether or not to respond here again, and I've actually written, deleted, and re-written this post about 5 times.

Thank you very much for your apology. It means the world to me. I am sorry if perhaps at this emotional time in my life, I am a bit oversensitive.

There's absolutely no need to thank me for that. It is almost never my intention to hurt somebody, and I never feel good about it, so I will always be sorry when it happens. We are all in the bay area, and if you and your wife would ever like to get dinner and chat, please feel free to get in touch. I'm actually very nice, I swear.

I appreciate your passion and candor, but it just struck me as very in-your-face reality, "deal with it". I was a liitle taken aback. I didn't think that in this community of understanding and like mindedness, I would have to dawn my personal armor.

It is my experience that the CD community on this site is very warm, fuzzy, nearly unconditionally supportive, and always happy to respond to new pictures with a "super sexy, girlfriend!", but their relationship to their identity is generally (though not always) one of fantasy, illusion, and surface details. Over here, things tend to be a good bit more serious, and for good reason - our identities are our realities, down to the core, and the stakes are infinitely higher for us as a result.

I come to the TS forum to get real (literally and figuratively), and so I'm going to get real here. Please don't be offended - like pretty much everybody here, I'm coming from a place of wanting to help, even if it stings a bit sometimes.

The reality is that "deal with it" is more or less the advice I would give you, regardless of how I phrased it. Put another way, if asked directly how to cope with not transitioning right now, I would say "If you have already reached the point where you honestly believe you are TS and need to transition, then stop avoiding it and start doing what is necessary before things get even harder". Then I would ask you, given your current viewpoint, whether you believe you've actually reached that point.

Transition, as far as I'm concerned, is about living your life openly and honestly as the person you truly are, exposed to the world and all its judgement. Healthcare coverage, physical problems, near-term money - these are not barriers to transition. They may be barriers to HRT, or surgery, or other specific things, but the only thing that is actually in the way of transition is yourself - what it's worth to you, what you are willing to put into it, and what you are willing to give up to get there. In my personal experience, every time that I've taken a substantial step forward it is only because I reached a new level of self-awareness and acceptance of who I am. While HRT, hair removal, etc. have definitely helped me in some ways, their impact on my transition is staggeringly small compared to my progress on self-acceptance. I am a woman. A woman who has to shave her face every day, at least for a while longer, but a woman whether I'm stubbly or not.

I will echo Kaitlyn's question about therapy - it's incredibly important.

My sincere advice to you is to consider very deeply how you relate to your identity as a woman, and what the way you communicate about your identity says about it, even if you don't realize it. If you are a woman, you are a woman right now. There is no "becoming a woman", there is only "being a woman" and potentially making your body something that you feel is better aligned with who you are. Part of what stuck out to me about your original post (and other recent posts elsewhere on the forum) and made me worry a bit is some of the language you use when describing transition, yourself, and your plans. For example, when people divide themselves in half and/or compartmentalize ("two people sharing the same male body"), it sends a strong message to me based on prior experiences that this person may not have a clear relationship with their identity, and may not really know who/what they are as a whole person. When I hear people describe transition in ways like "going all the way" it makes me concerned that they may see transition and womanhood as an extension of the CD experience, when in fact it is a wholly different experience.

This may all seem like nitpicking and semantics, and of course it's not definitive by any stretch of the imagination, but in my experience, the way people talk about their identity often says a lot about the truth of it. Ultimately, you are the only person in the universe who can declare who and what you are, and I will always respect that, but I wanted to give you at least a bit of insight into what prompted my first post.

Lastly, this journey will be full of people who may question your identity, for good and for bad, for a brief moment or for a longer time. Trust me when I say that we are probably the nicest people who will ever do it.

[RobinCA]

Wow Zooey,
I must admit that I never thought of it on that particular level. Thank you for taking the time to post, yet again. I am very glad that you did. I believe that you are a most likely a wonderful person and I would love to meet with you some day.
To be honest, I did not think that my first post on this particular forum would garner such a varied amount of responses. Some encouraging, some supportive, and some so truthful and to the point, that they seemed very hostile. I feel like an innocent little girl amongst a large group of strong women that have had the courage to do what I am beginning to do myself. I thank you for your honesty, and the honesty of all the women who have taken the time to respond with their own opinions and words.

I am just now starting to realize that the "two" people sharing this body of mine, are actually just one. Me. A woman. I have felt it since I was ten years old. At that time I did not understand it, and I'm not sure I fully understand it now. But the one unequivocal truth is that I am the woman in my soul and that to become that woman I must undertake a very real, and very scary transition. I appreciate all the support and "hard truth" that is offered here. Anything that helps me see some part of this transition that I had not considered before, or a different perspective on things I already have, is a blessing. I need all the support, advice, and even, hard truth I can get.

I agree that the only thing keeping me from transitioning is myself. I'm not going to lie, it scares the sh*t out of me. But I do know that with the help, support and guidance of people like you, it might just be a little easier, a little less scary, and a truly beautiful journey.

I have accepted myself, and know what I have to do. I also know that the l Longer I wait, the harder it will be. I am a woman inside, and I deeply want my outside to reflect my inside. The support and guidance I get here, I know will help me along the way.

To all those that are reading this, that may feel like I do, or completely different than I do, I respect all of you. I look forward to this new path in my life, and I wish you all the happiest lives that you can possibly have.

[Badtranny]

I agree that the only thing keeping me from transitioning is myself. I'm not going to lie, it scares the sh*t out of me. .

Well, ...it's a scary thing.

Me and my sisters here all have one thing in common; We were all scared out of our wits at one time or another during our transition.

Listen, there isn't a single one of us who transitioned because it was easy. Everything you are feeling has been felt by one or all of us. We merely came to a point in our lives where we were sick of pretending to be somebody we weren't. You may or may not reach that point yourself, there is no prize for transitioning. Just the other day I told someone I respect very much that they are basically a winner if they get to a point of comfort that doesn't require coming out as trans. Transition is literally a last resort and if you don't have to do it, then you're most certainly better off than me.

None of us wanted to do it, and none of us will ever recommend it.

[Eringirl]

Yup, exactly what Melissa said.....I would be very concerned if you weren't scared!! I was totally scared out of my mind, and at times I still am. But I was more scared of the alternative. But I am well on my way now, and each day I get more comfortable with myself and at peace. It is a long journey. It is a hard journey, not for the feint of heart. I would not wish this upon anyone. But I am doing because I HAVE to, not because I WANT to. While everyone's journey is different and their own to experience, you are not alone here.