Unraveling

[raeleen]

I came on this forum not too long ago feeling like I had a supportive wife and things moving in a positive direction.

In the last week though everything has started to come apart. My wife has begun to express serious doubts about us staying together, and is expressing to me that she's feeling distant and cold from me and doesn't want to be close to me intimately, and isn't sure she ever can be again. It's coming as kind of a shock because I feel like she's been supportive of my exploring this side of me until very recently. Her issues include discomfort with things she feels are 'fake'. i.e., me wearing a wig or using breast forms. Her exact words are that she feels like she doesn't know me anymore.

I'm sure others on here have gone through similar experiences, and to be honest, I'm not sure that this isn't just an isolated rough patch that we'll get through. I'm hoping it is. We're trying to line up a couples counselor to talk with and just haven't been able to make the schedules work out yet. It's a priority on my to-do list today.

For background, I told her many years ago, before we got married, about my dressing. She had difficulty with it then, and we went to see a therapist who basically screwed things up even more, recommending I suppress it. In the closet for the next ten years or so and just trying to reemerge and embrace it now. She has been encouraging me to meet others and figure this out, but I think the reality of it has gotten too difficult for her.

Not necessarily looking for advice. I know the next steps. Communicating. Working with a therapist to help us identify the real problem, etc. Just needing to vent and have a shoulder to cry on. Thanks all.

[pamela7]

one interpretation is that the relationship starting conditions were faulty in part due to the therapist.
another interpretation is to ask: what if she wanted a boob job or liposuction, or wears make-up herself? where's the fake?

that she doesn't know you any more? you're the same person, she has lost touch with her image of you as "a real man" perhaps, and she could do with plenty of therapy to see the fallacies there ...

good luck, xxx

[heatherdress]

Raeleen - Sorry you are experiencing difficulties. I am not offering advice, as you request, and believe you do know what you have to do.

I will offer encouragement. Relationship difficulties occur, probably to everyone to some degree. If addressed properly, difficulties can be resolved and relationships can become even stronger. Have confidence. You have an intelligent, caring, realistic approach. You will be OK. Good luck.

[Kate Simmons]

If you feel your relationship is valuable and worth the effort you will takes steps to resolve it Talking about the feelings of both of you is an invaluable tool and will help you both make an informed decision. Good luck.

[Amy Lynn3]

I agree with Pamela7. Many times statements are made out of emotions, not the thinking part of the head. It almost boils down to a control issue in some cases. For example...I hear statements like, it is my body and I'll do as I please with it. Hair is another thing couples seldom agree on. She likes it short...he likes it long. You hear I like to wear pants, but the guy says I like you in a dress. It seems to be almost folly to try and work things out, were both see the other side. However, try we must. It depends on how much a person feels the relationship is worth. You are the same person she married. Does she not appreciate who/what you are....like provider, father...the list is endless. You have one issue in the relationship and one party is ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. In my mind I ask...who has the bigger problem, you or her ?

The very best to you my friend is all I can say. I wish I had the magic bullet to end all problems I read about on this site.

[Jaylyn]

No advice here but my wife and I have went up and down with my dressing. I've discovered that she married the male in me and I respect that. I try and read her. By that I mean when she gets down she wants me to hold her and be the male I should be. No advice here as you and your wife have to figure out when dressing is acceptable and when you need to be the man she married. I hope you find a good therapist that can help you both and re-strengthen the love that y'all had at marriage. Good luck.

[Katey888]

Sorry to hear about this Raeleen...

I have a tissue on my shoulder, one arm around your shoulders and a stiff martini in the other hand... Vent away!

And remember:

KEEP CALM & CARRY ON!

Katey x

[Amber42]

I feel for you and I know the struggle is not easy. Even when we think everything is in order, a simple browse through old photo album can trigger my wife to get down about it.

The way I see it, is that most CDs live life wanting to be accepted for what they are and the desire for us to find inner peace. At times, we want this so badly that we become blinded to the way others, most times, our SO sees the situation or feels about on any particular day. We can call it pink fog, or whatever, but it's our own coping mechanism to feel good about what we are.

Nobody said life is a straight road. There are many curves and some of those bumps along the way can certainly hurt.

I wish you and your wife all the best.

[Tracii G]

I will suggest you find a therapist that deals with gender identity issues because what I have read from others not all therapist have knowledge in that area.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If she doesnt like it, she doesnt like it..thats a tough pill i understand...sorry

she may be expressing it in different ways and that can get frustrating..... maybe it will change over time, your best bet is to be honest with her, be your best self, and treat her feelings about this as gold...

her feelings are not her fault ..you cant change them..only she can....and she deserves to have her own feelings

this is not a battle or an argument... you are expressing yourself ...she is responding to it... let her and be prepared to acknowledge her feelings and give her time..

i hope it works out for both of you..

[Ally 2112]

Hope all the best for you Raleen .I had somewhat of the same problem with my X .Told her before we got married at first she was ok with then she was not .Went to councling and that did not help at all in the end we split .Not just because of the CDing but it was a huge part .So cry on my shoulder if you want

[Gabby6790]

So, sorry to hear of your troubles but I am glad you have somewhere to vent. I won't add more advice just wishes that you are able to get through these tough times.

[PamTG]

Sorry to hear about that and I can't say that I can relate to being married or anything like that but I am sure that it is rough and I hope that you can get through this and I am glad that you can come and vent to us and let you know how you are doing. I know that I don't know you and you don't me but I am here for you no matter what, just incase everyone else you have vented to has heard whatever is troubling you.

[raeleen]

Thanks for the many kind words and thoughts, ladies. I really appreciate it! I was in a high emotional state yesterday morning when I vented and things seemed to have calmed a bit, but I know there is lots of work and probably many more tears ahead. Still it's definitely worth it.

Loving this community and appreciate all of you! And Katey, I think I'm ready for that martini!

[jenniferinsf]

your post resonated with me. having having come out and talking with wife, family, shrink as well as reading a lot about gd and cd, i understood the roller coaster ride we are on.
from what i understand your example is not unique, in fact i am facing a similar path right now.
your last paragraphs sums it up....i think it is life long journey...there will always be nagging doubts about where you are going, nagging doubts about trust and security...it natural when faced with such an upheaval.
as rumi says...dance....it helps

[Tina_gm]

I will try not to make it sound like advice, but will give my overall opinion. Too much, too fast. Also, this should not come as a surprise that your wife is struggling now, if she struggled with it before. Most wives do struggle with this, period.

One thing we as CDers will probably not get, is that to our partners, or other outside people, is that when we say it is not a choice, this is who I am yadda yadda, but our repressive actions make it look like a choice. went back into the closet, came out of the closet after x many years, or decades. Who we are is not a choice, but what we do about it is. To anyone who does not understand (which is pretty much anyone who is not TG) When we say it is not a choice, our actions will always contradict this statement.

My wife asked me shortly after I made my reveal, why me, why now? Why not the others? I CHOSE to no longer repress my cding as much. One thing we might want to try to do when dealing with a partner who is having difficulty with it is to explain "why now" and why them, and why not before.

raeleen, you are making some big leaps in a short amount of time, after demonstrating that you had the control to keep it under wraps. It is hard for a wife to be accepting when so much change is occuring in such a short amount of time. I guess this last bit is advice, sorry.... but this goes out to all. A wife who does not leave us for CDing is not a license to push straight to the floor. Sometimes when there is some caution lights coming on, it might be best to stick it in neutral and coast for a bit, till the light turns green...

[Jackie7]

My ex-wife and I were roughly where you describe, 15 years ago. But also: we had been married 32 years, raised three great kids, grown apart in many other ways. For us, my CD struggle was just the last straw on a pile of issues, and after two years of working with therapists and both working hard to save our long marriage, we called it quits. It was difficult, painful, expensive, crazy making to untangle and go our separate ways.

Two years after that, after I had reorganized my newly single middle-aged life to permit two or three days each week dressed pretty and out in Connecticut and NYC, I met a lovely woman who found me interesting and my CD style fun... and in 2010 we married. And we have a great life together, I'm socially out and often dress en femme though by no means all the time. My ex-wife, on the other hand, has remained single and says she can't imagine living with anyone.

So that's my long view. You work at it with your wife and it works out (I hope it does if that is what you both truly wish), or it doesn't and your lives change course.

[sarahcsc]

Hey Raeleen,

If you are not looking for advice, then I hope you will find some peace here knowing you are not alone.

There are countless people here with the same 'initally-accepting-spouse-who-later-became-resentful-and-disgusted-despite-honest-communication' experience.

This experience if often undulating and people can go from apparent acceptance to rejection and then back to acceptance again in a heartbeat.

Its exhausting even just to read about other's experience.

We all say "we know what we need to do." But most of us don't do it.

Good luck!
Love,
S

[Tina_gm]

Sarah raises a good point about the accepting/non accepting stuff. How did WE feel about ourselves in the early going?? Another thing to think about, things seem to be going well, the wife seems accepting, although moving slow and keeping communication open, we may progress to a point in which it is as far or farther than our wives can deal with. Once crossed that point, the acceptance may have a rebound effect. Our wives may not know exactly where that point is until it is breached.

[trishacd]

I would just back off for a while

[JamieG]

Hi Raeleen,

I just saw this today. So sorry to hear you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel, having experienced some of this with my wife in the past. However, I am glad to hear things have already improved somewhat. Know our thoughts are with you. Wishing for all the best!

Your friend,
Jamie

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Oh, the complexities of human relationships. What was fine one day becomes an irritation the next and then goes back to being ok. Even mundane things like a particular household chore can become a source of friction. Given how unusual CDing is it is not surprising your wife would have second thoughts about her level of acceptance. I pray the two if you can work things out to your mutual satisfaction. Marriage is too big of a commitment to be broken over someone's wardrobe.

Bridget

[raeleen]

Such great advice and thoughts from everyone. I think slowing down a bit is a good idea, and I'm really trying not to move too quickly, just hard when you've held it in for so long! I think a bit of patience and sensitivity will really make a big difference.

We plan to see a counselor this week, and keep lines of communication open. She acknowledges that she reacted a bit strongly, and I similarly acknowledged that I was not being as sensitive to her difficulties as I could be. We'll keep working on it.

Thank you, ladies! You are a fantastic community!

[Krisi]

I see you've decided to "slow down" for a while. That's the advice I was going to post. It's natural for a woman to be upset when her "man" starts dressing and acting like a woman. As you can learn from this forum, some women are OK with it, some totally reject it and some will tolerate it to one degree or another. Some women will appear to change their level of tolerance from time to time.

As for a therapist, I don't think much of the concept, I think a therapist is someone you pay to listen to what you say and then agree with it. They get paid by the hour and as long as they please you, you will keep going and they will keep getting paid. You hope the therapist will convince your wife that crossdressing is fine and your wife hopes the therapist will convince you that it's not.

So - Put away the forms and wig for a while. Act and dress like the man she married and show her that you love her. Talk about your desire to wear women's clothes. Work slowly back into wearing women's clothes (when she says she's ready) but keep it low key, no hooker outfits or heels.

Best of luck to you both.