God I am dumb

[kimdl93]

The past week has been ...overwhelming. Repercussions, at least negative, from coming out to my board of directors, has been nil. In the words of the VP, he likes me better as a girl... And I got a raise.

But all the while, my seemingly supportive wife has been in emotional turmoil. I have felt it coming, asked what was going on and been dismissed. No, she wasn't having an affair, but she was withdrawing emotionally for..well for at least the past year and a half.

It seems she has been emotionally distancing all this time. I felt it, but accepted her excuses...peri menopause in particular.

So where do we stand today? I don't know.

Excuse me while I catch my breath!

[ReineD]

I'm sorry Kim.

Would you consider marital counseling?

[Robin414]

I can only echo Reine in my comments but I'm here to listen!

[kimdl93]

Of course I would consider it. To put it in my wife's words...she is not sure sure is "willing" to make that effort. She is a very good person, but, like so many of us, she let her feelings fester...and I was too dumb to see what was going on.

[STACY B]

Dam,, That is Bad news for sure, Sure hope you two can get through this? You are a Good person and friend,, Hope you stay well and make the right choice for you,, I know for a fact that your very smart and will be OK . Good Luck my FRIEND. ( Remember Cooler heads prevail ),,,

[JustWendy]

Kim - I'm guilty of not spending a lot of time on the site over the past year, and I had to read through some of your earlier posts in order to catch up with your life. I am happy for the positive things that are happening in your life, while saddened by the emotional issues you're facing with your wife. Based on what you knew and understood about yourself, you have always been honest and done your best for all those who share your life. And you continue to be that person now. I have no answers - I can only provide my most heartfelt wishes for your happiness.

Wendy

[Amy Fakley]

Menopause is no joke. My wife went through what we believe to be the worst of it this year. She's a nurse, and works in a doctors office -- it was tracked a little more closely than usual I think, just because they can run tests easily .. Hormone levels seem to indicate she's on the other side of it, anyhow.

It's not an easy thing to go through with your partner, gender issues or not. What you're describing about coming and going periods of emotional distance, irritability ... horrible things being said, only to be taken back later (or not ... because it's just too damn frequent to even keep up with it) ... these sound very familiar to me, if that's any consolation :-)

I guess what I'm saying is don't discard that explanation too quickly. It could be the real thing, and if you're right at the beginning of it ... you've got quite a ride coming. Buckle up, lol. The good news is (speaking only from our own experience) it lasted a little less than a year. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck, Kim. You are a good person, I have a gut feeling this will smooth over eventually.

[I Am Paula]

Kim, you and I have been on a rather parallel journey for quite a while, tho' I picked up the pace a couple years ago. I know how you bowed to your wife, and even offered to backtrack, a while back. It sounds like you have tried almost everything to somehow balance gender, and marriage.
While menopause is a powerful thing, my guess is that, like most couples in which one transitions, your wife has tried to understand and adapt, you've both made compromises and promises, but you are discovering the true path of your relationship.
I hope I'm wrong, and I'm sure you have stepped back and tried to look at this from her perspective, but really, we are doing the absolute weirdest thing that a human can do, and hoping the one we chose, while another gender, is going to embrace it.
There are no magic words here. Communicate, love her, and try your best. There is not much else that can be done other than to wait it out.
Keep strong, and hope for the best.

[PaulaQ]

I'm really sorry Kim. A fair number of women aren't willing to try to find a way through this. Some do, and some marriages end up ok post transition (whatever that might mean), but many do not.

I didn't even rate a "try" from my (now ex) wife.

I hope she'll come around. If there is a support group for spouses locally, that can help, although such groups are rare.

[Laura912]

Kim, I am sorry this is happening. You know that a simple blood FSH level in your wife can answer the menopause question. Average for menopause in the US is 51. However, the FSH will not answer the perimenopause questions. Attributing all this to hormonal variation is a little iffy. You both will need an understanding OB/GYN and counsellor. To further our flying analogies, you need to talk to air traffic control to get through this.

[PaulaQ]

Odds are, this isn't about menopause, Kim.

It may be about female hormones on some level, but if it is, it'll be about yours, not hers.

[Angela Campbell]

All I can say is that I wish you the best, hopefully things can improve.

[stefan37]

Unfortunately there can be a high cost for authenticity.

[PretzelGirl]

Kim, we have talked at length and I know you have done a lot to keep from getting to this point. I don't think you have been blind. I am sorry you are experiencing this and I know in my heart that you have done all you can to keep from getting here. I know that doesn't make it one iota better, but I wanted you to hear it. You are a loving and caring spouse! My heart is with you.

[abigailf]

Kim,

Try not to beat yourself up over it. You are not dumb. There is no "What to Expect When You are Trans" book out there to guide us. If there was it would be useless anyway since by the time we would read it, it would be too late.

I wish there was something I could write to ease your worries but this is a daily discovery. The only thing I can say is that no matter what happens, always, always show the love.

Hugs,

Tammy