Dressing again

[daphne_L]

As I mentioned in my intro, I haven't been dressing much until recently. A few months ago, the arches of my feet started to be chronically sore. After I described it, my SO said she wears her heels for relief when her feet feel like that. She is a size 10M and I'm a size 10.5W, but she offered to let me wear a pair of her heels for a few minutes to see if it helped. It did, but she wasn't comfortable with me wearing her shoes and stretching them out. I said I would buy my own; she laughed; so I did.

I shopped on line for a pair in my size that were available for pickup at a local store. Then I pulled up the website on my phone, went in the store, and asked if they could help me get the shoes on my phone. Though I did not lie, I left the impression that my wife had picked out the shoes for herself and I was just running an errand. I was still extremely nervous that I would be "caught" and judged, but it went smoothly. My first ever piece of women's clothing that I had bought for myself!

At first, I didn't tell her I had. Wearing the heels around the house not only gave my feet tremendous relief, they made me feel good about myself. A strange mixture of comfortable and sexy. Also I wanted to wear more.

In the past I've always felt that it was wrong for me to wear others clothes without their permission. I did it out of desperation since I was totally panicked by the idea of buying my own at the time. Plus I got an extra sexual charge from thinking about the women while wearing their clothes. But now I had safely bought shoes, so I went to Walmart and bought the closest skirt, a top with built in support, and panties to the main aisle (so I could casually drop them in my cart as I cruised by without stopping). Even though I went through the self checkout lane, I had to deal with a cashier when the skirt wouldn't ring up. I hadn't even looked at the price, but it was marked as on sale for $3 down from $35. The cashier made we wait forever for a manager so I could get the correct price. I felt like I was about to die of nerves as I escaped with my purchases.

Wearing my own clothes was an eye opening experience. Without the guilt and sexual charge I had before wearing other women's clothes, I felt joy in addition to the comfort and sexiness. I had to have more, and I needed to understand more. So I started lurking on this site.

I showed my wife my heels. She laughed in a nice way and asked me to try them on. When I did she told me to relax, I was walking too stiffly. The she said "I guess its OK, I know you won't pull a Bruce on me. Don't wear them on the hardwood floors."

So that's where I'm at. Heels are acceptable, but "Bruce" is to far(she's genuinely accepting of and happy for Caitlyn, but that's not as immediate as her own husband going there). However, I'm doing more than heels and feel guilty about hiding it. Obviously there is a threshold somewhere beyond heels that is too much. Which side am I on?

Right now I feel absolutely no desire to go beyond cross dressing part time. However, it is obvious from the threads on this forum that that was true for many that eventually had to go full time, or even transition. Am I just in denial? Even if I'm not am I already past some threshold that will eventually doom my marriage? Or is everything going to be OK?

These are rhetorical questions. I don't really think anyone here can answer them for me. I just had to ask them "out loud."


Thanks for listening,

Daphne

[Samantha2015]

Hi Daphne, I'm no expert but I don't think wanting to dress more necessarily leads to the
Bruce/Caitlyn path. Unless you want it 24/7 that might be different.
In the past year+, I've taken my look much farther than I ever have before and dressed
many more times than previously. With all that I still have no interest in transitioning.
I'm still fine being a part-time girl. I don't have a SO and can't address those issues.
I hope she will continue to support you. If she can tolerate you in heels that is probably more
than a lot of other SO will do. I'd say go slow and try not to freak her out.

[daphne_L]

Thanks Samantha, it is so nice to feel listened to and understood. And thanks for the hugs in your signature.

It's not that I think I'm on the path to transition. I'm a voracious reader, and have read a huge number of threads since I started lurking. Maybe too much for my own good. There is such a diversity in where people have ended up, but a common thread is that most didn't know where they would end up when they started, especially those that have led the way for Caitlyn. It is so easy to fool ourselves, especially about ourselves.

Right now I feel like I am definitely a man but want to frequently dress as a woman. I would really like to be able to pass as a woman, but right now I'm just happy with the joy I feel walking around my house dressed. But, to get that much joy from dressing I must definitely have a significant feminine side. My only real dissatisfaction is that I feel like I have to hide it from my SO. I fear the effect on my marriage. I fear the effect on my kids. Outside those two fears, I'm really OK with anything. The rest of my life would be fine however things work out. But I worry that I might be in denial either about how accepting my SO might be or where I'm heading, and things might end up even worse than I fear.

Fear is robbing me of too much of the joy. Fear is keeping me from the honesty I should have with my SO.


The fear must be dealt with! I will slay it soon! ( I wish )


I am trying to drink up as much of the joy as I can while being prudent about my fears.


Daphne

[Gabby6790]

I think you need to see where this takes you. Get an idea of where you want it to go and then explain it to your SO. I think wanting to dress leads to full transition a very small percentage of the time.

I am in a similar situation. I have discovered that I do want to fully dress and go out but I don't feel any need to transition at all. I enjoy being a man.

[Samantha2015]

I'm afraid of my fears as well Daphne.

[Lisa85]

everyone considers transition, but say it's just not me. why not just start with heels/skirt/top or wedges/skirt/top. Don't mess with bra tops, get your own bra so you can wear more variety. then test over at least a 2 month period. Keep a log of YOUR internal reactions to dressing. what are the conversation tapes you keep playing in your own head. Maybe at the end of 2 months heels/skirt/top is too much, or maybe it is kind of normal. also note frequency of dressing and your reaction and SO reaction to it. You may find like Isha that a most but not all days is good. Each must figure out on own as life and SO's are so different. Just don't expect either your SO or even yourself to have consistent reactions for 2 months