I write this because I had an epiphany yesterday while answering a survey from the college I graduated from and they asked me that gender question as to whether I was a male, female, transgendered or prefer not to answer. As I sat in front of my computer I pondered little and answered that question for the first time without hesitation that I was indeed transgendered. Then I also answered the question of whether I was married, single or something else and I answered single of course, never having been married.
That question bothered me more than you would think the gender question would have. Having turned sixty this year I started thinking about who I was and where I'd been and realized I'd been pretty much alone with no desire to pursue a relationship, or have a sexual encounter with anyone these many years. The only constant in my life was the desire to dress and play the role of a woman!
Sure, I had my one relationship in college that I thought meant something, but soon realized that that wasn't what I desired. If the university's survey had provided me the opportunity to answer their question as to whether or not I had been enlightened or learned something they would have gotten one hell of an answer. Instead it was more like; did we do this or that for you, please check one answer.
So through the years I've found that I have enjoyed the company of my women friends with no desire to be sexually involved and the same goes for men, though I must admit that if I were to have a sexual relationship it would only be with a male as a female and for now that seems to be anything but a reality.
So here I am with only the dream of having a relationship with a man as a woman. if I transitioned and am probably seeing that as an impossibility it leaves me in an undesirable limbo, or as I like to define it as asexual and transgendered. Short of being a transexual I can only say; how I wish I was a woman.
As Always,
Ilsa