Out in public

[BethanyCross]

I have some Bethany time coming in a couple weeks and am thinking about a trip in public, including getting my hair and nails done and going to a mall. I am going nuts - should I shouldn't I? There is no way I would pass, though if the salon does a good job, I might pass from a distance. A chance for this likely will not come again and I would go quite a ways from home so the the chance of meeting someone I know is very remote. My biggest concern is what strangers will think and being laughed at. I keep telling myself, who cares what strangers think but I can't make up my mind. Thoughts?

[CourtneyBme]

Go for it. Chances to get out and about come few and far between so if you miss this opportunity, you will kick yourself. 97% of strangers will be too busy in their own world to even care and the other 3% will just look and carry on about their business. Smile and keep your head held high and you will be fine.

[Silkylover]

WOW.... that's so brave of you... I'm kind of new to all this and get nervous when i go out with things on under my normal clothes..!!!!.... i'd like to go out dressed up for a day but, i have a beard (which i also like to keep).... So as you can imagine i'd look pretty odd going out fully dressed up..... well done you for doing so though.... I hope you have a great day when/if you do it....

[deebra]

You're right, what stranger think and being laughed at keeps so many of us in the closet, pick the right time to go to the mall, if it gets bad just head for the door and then your car. Some of our members have developed a thicker skin and it doesn't bother them, and their are a lot of more weird people in the mall than you.

[Kandi Robbins]

Bethany,

There is not a planet in this universe where I pass. However, I take care in presenting myself well and always smile and am friendly and personable with people I come in contact with. As long as you do your best to present yourself well and carry yourself with confidence, you will have the time of your life. Just plan well, know what you want to do and where you are going and it is always best to travel some distance from home to add to your ability to relax. Just let us know how it goes.

Kandi

[Amy Fakley]

As I just went out in public for the first time this weekend, I can offer some advice which is basically, set realistic goals based on your current level of confidence.

When I was originally planning my weekend, I had all sorts of fantastic ideas about getting a makeover and shopping. Which would have been fun, but the bottom line is that it was my very first time, and because of that I was riding high on nerves and adrenaline the entire time. I wasted so much of my weekend on false starts. Getting all made up and not having the nerve to go out. Or getting to the mall parking lot, and chickening out, etc, etc.

In hindsight, I'd say that discretion was the better part of valor in this case. I had exactly zero experience dealing with the vanilla public, and in that sort of company I was SO nervous and frightened that I'm sure to the outside world I looked like an unstable lunatic (though a pretty one, I hope). That would probably have been taken the wrong way by a lot of people, and could have ended in some very unfortunate (not to mention discouraging) situations.

In the end, I managed to get out to a support group meeting, which was beyond wonderful ... a whole room full of people and nothing at all to hide from them while letting my girl-side shine! woohoo!! :-) I also made it through the hotel lobby a few times. And I just about made an elderly couple pass out in the hotel elevator, LOL. Of course afterwards, my confidence level was through the roof. I was ready to go out for real (it's just that most everything was closed at that point, and I had to check out of the hotel in the morning ... d'oh!)

I realize now, that for me, that was just right for the first time. I don't have the sort of psychology that lends itself to jumping off high dives if you know what I mean. I needed to get my feet wet first, and get some confidence. Probably still need to do that once or twice more before I jump solo into the deep end of the mall, but then everyone is different. There are a lot of people who love high-dives. I'm just not one of them, and I was reminded of that viscerally this weekend.

All in all, it would have been better to plan my weekend starting with the support group, and maybe going out into the vanilla world with a girlfriend later.

But whatever you do. Do not let this opportunity pass you by. Find something to do, and do it. Push through the nerves, it's totally worth it.

[Alice_2014_B]

Easier said than done.
Once you get out there it becomes easier.
Especially if this is going to be your only chance in a long time; take your time.

[Mercedes]

I am hoping you are able to go through with the experience and let us know how it goes. As someone who feels the same way you do, I love hearing these stories where one of us girls makes it out for the first time into that scary world and finds out it's not so scary after all. It gives the rest of us still looking for that opportunity the courage to take it.

Mercedes XOXOXO

[stacycoral]

Miss Bethany, girl you will have a great time just knowing that your out in the world as a woman, There is nothing like have a makeover and having your nails done professionally to make a girl feel pretty, I know you have heard this before here but just own it, you might have some look at you different but that is there problem not yours, i one thing i can say to be careful and watch where you are, You girls are taught at a young age to always be on the alert, I know this because i told my three daughters this. Choose a outfit that will blend in with the GG in the area which you are going, If the people doing your makeup and nails should treat you like a princeless, just like your picture. Have a wonderful days of being Bethany, and when you get back fill the rest of us girls in on your great time out. But be warned you will just want more outtiings, The pink fog make you feel like your alive to the most. You take care girl, hugs.

[Helen_Highwater]

Bethany,
Small steps; look for a few chances for small interactions such as a drive through MCD's or self serve petrol. Little, (did I say little as they will feel huge at the time), things such as these let you grow your confidence. The pages here are littered with tales of gurls loosing it at the very last moment, driving to the mall and then just sitting in the car afraid to open the door. It is amazing just what those little interactions can do for your confidence. You also have refuge of your four wheeled steel safety cage if you feel threatened.

So have both a plan and a back up. If going somewhere unfamiliar use Google maps street view to check out the location. When you actually get there things feel that little bit more familiar and less threatening. If you opt to go shopping choose a large chain fashion retailer. It's going to be full of GG's intent on shopping so you're highly unlikely to draw a crowd.

Dress to blend and age appropriate, not too heavy on the makeup and things will be just fine. And remember, it's the things we don't do we regret the most.

Good luck

[GeorgeA]

i'd like to go out dressed up for a day but, i have a beard (which i also like to keep).... So as you can imagine i'd look pretty odd going out fully dressed up.....

Wouldn't it be nice if we, the bearded ones, could walk down the street wearing a skirt and nobody would think it's odd.

Perhaps some of you, youngsters, may live to experience it, but there is no hope for old guys like me. We can only wish.

[Krisi]

Why would you want to wear a beard and a skirt in public (or in private)? I think it's odd and I'm a crossdresser.

Bethany, the first time (actually the first several times) can be nerve wracking, but at the same time, it's a thrill. Take a camera and take as many photos as possible so you can look back on your experience. I wouldn't get a makeover, few women go to all this trouble just to walk the streets or shopping malls. What you do want to do is tone it down. Dress like women dress for the time and place even if that means jeans and a tee shirt. Forget the heels, wear flats. For makeup, keep it low key. Lipstick and beard cover and minimal eye makeup. Better yet, wear women's sunglasses and you won't need eye makeup. Trim your eyebrows as much as you dare. Don't forget to carry a purse and try to walk like a woman.

And yes, it doesn't matter what strangers might think. If your wig and presentation is good enough, even if people clock you as a male, they won't recognize you as the particular male that you are.

[BethanyCross]

Update on my planned outing. All my dreaming, planning, hoping for the courage, and agonizing over whether to do this or not; it was all for nothing! At the eleventh hour, my wife's trip got cancelled and so did Bethany's private time. Is the good Lord trying to send me a message?

[RachelB.]

Hang in there, it will happen. When it does relax and enjoy! I don't pass but I have never had a really bad experience. Been Sir'ed a few times and had sales clerks us my male name rather loudly once or twice but I just shrugged it off. I dress for my enjoyment and no one else's.

[Cheryl_Layton]

It sounds like this is an itch that needs to be scratched. Perhaps the message is that this may not be the right time. However, I'm sure another chance will occur, hopefully soon.
The advice on this thread is sound but as Amy has experienced, perhaps a support group could be a first start. This will get you used to being around people, whilst dressed, without you having to worry about being judged.

Good luck

[pamela7]

"it is inevitable, Mr Anderson" (quote from "The Matrix")

[sara.rafaela]

I would recommend to take it slowly. Do the walk out to the car. Drive out a bit from home. Park in a remote spot like a park, walk outside a bit. Each step will feel nerve wracking and exciting. It is important to take your time and get comfortable with each step. After I decided to go out it took me about six months to get the nerve to go through with it and go to a transgender bar in a big city. There is a web site by Renee Reyes that talks about the process. These days I go out often and really, I am surprised how little people seem to notice me or pay attention.

[Suzie Petersen]

Bethany,
The good Lord is always sending you messages. A couple of the more common ones are:
- Have patience.
- Good things come to those who can wait.

When you do go out for the first time, try not to do anything stupid!
Alone in a dark place in a dress and high heels is highly risky, bad idea!

My advise is to connect with someone on this forum and go out together (still not in a dark place). Much safer and a lot more fun.

You can even take turns being the one dressed up. People, especially males, always notice lone women, but nobody pays any attention to what seem to be a normal male/female couple.
If you cant do a female voice, and most CDers cant, then having someone there in the male role solves all those communication problems too.

- Suzie

[Teresa]

Bethany,
Sometimes it feels like the World knows what you're plans are and there's no way it's going to happen, we've all been there as CDers.
Try not lose sight of your plans the opportunity will arise again , even if you don't feel like making the effort next time still try and do it, afterwards you feel so much better for pushing yourself into it !
I've done it with making the effort to take some updated pictures, I kept giving myself all the reasons not to but once I started to apply my makeup and lay out he clothes on the bed I knew I wasn't going to change my mind. I'm so glad I didn't because those pictures have carried me through a difficult time and helped to give a clearer impression of my CDing needs with my counsellors.

[Ally 2112]

Don't fret it to much when your ready and have the chance you will know it .Best of luck

[Dana44]

Nobody will think ill of you. Today I went to the salon and got a pedi and a mani with tips. The girl doing the pedi asked if I wanted color. I said no. she replied I though you might. I have a five day beard growth. Wonder if she picked up one something? Like my saved legs LOL. Don't have any fear going out. They all like your money. The guy who put my tips on had them to long and I had him cut them back.

[Krisi]

Update on my planned outing. All my dreaming, planning, hoping for the courage, and agonizing over whether to do this or not; it was all for nothing! At the eleventh hour, my wife's trip got cancelled and so did Bethany's private time. Is the good Lord trying to send me a message?

Bethany, I don't think the good Lord is concerned about your dressing.

Your posts lead me to believe that you are hiding your dressing hobby from your wife. Many of us do that and I did for years but now she knows and accepts or tolerates it. Getting caught by your wife coming home early or finding your things at home is bad enough, but if your wife hears from friends or neighbors that you've been seen walking around in public dressed as a woman, she's not likely to take it well.

Think about the little things - You are out on the town and she calls you and asks you to look in the kitchen or closet for something? What if she sees something incriminating on the credit card statement?

I'm just suggesting that you think very carefully about what you are doing and what might happen if things don't go the way you planned.

[Robin414]

Oh no hon, what a let down!! Be patient though, opportunity circles around.

As for your fear of what strangers will think, that one is the least of my worries!

Rule 1: stay safe but beyond that who really cares; life's too short to care about the opinions of people you couldn't care less about!

Rule 2: If you think you might be recognized by someone you know, try the 'no fly zone' policy and go out at a time and place where there's no chance of that.

If you're the mayor of the city you live in, fall back to rule 1 😉

[BillieAnneJean]

I go OUT enfemme about weekly. Less than 24 hours after the first time I ever dressed, I was OUT walking down Main Street going to a club to dance. Up close? I know I don't fool anyone. From twenty feet, maybe ten if it is quick, passers by don't notice. THAT is the thrill.
The trick is to do as good a job as you can with your presentation, outfit, and posture. Do everything to "blend" in. Including how you stand and walk. Forget the fantasy Lycra **** wear. Go for a skirt suit or conservative dress. About knee length.
About 2 out of a hundred times OUT (2%) someone will interact with me in an unexpected way. The fire department slowed their truck, tooted, and waved. A guy propositioned me for sex. A guy offered me money for sex. A guy asked me to let him take me back to his place and bind me up. A guy muttered "Mrs Doubtfire" as he passed buy with his three buddies. A guy ran his hand up my inner thigh while I was sitting at the bar. In three years, about six occurrences. But also EVERY TIME I go OUT enfemme people ask me about CDing, gay, Katlin, transitioning, curious but sweet. They want to know and feel safe asking me.
Life is about experiences. It is better to try something new than to some day no longer being able to and regretting it.

See if you can find an experienced gal in that town to meet you at a safe place and go OUT together. I take newbies OUT for their first time a lot and it is as much fun for me as it is for them!
Have fun,
Billie
You can do this.

[Katey888]

Bethany, dear... get your loins all well girded up, give yourself a good shake and ask yourself: "Do I really want to try this?"

If you try it and someone makes you and laughs (let's be honest - in broad daylight in a shopping mall, this is likely, if not probable...) you're not in your home town; who will know...? Get back in your car and drive home. If you don't try it..? Well, you may be asking yourself for some time yet.

Just over a year ago I was in a similar mindset to yourself - done this for years (you and I seem about the same age), sort of happy with the makeup and stuff, but could I finally get to go out and not have an awful experience..? Yes - I could go out and have a fun time and I did... Admittedly, I chose a friendly LGBT venue to go out, and got in touch with some experienced girls who would metaphorically hold my hand, but the advantage of going somewhere trans-aware and friendly was that no one is likely to laugh; you're amongst a lot of other girls like us; and the small interaction with folk outside of the club (hotel, bar, etc.) is limited and not too scary or exposing... A support group might be another idea if you can get to one - but it sounds like timing is key to your outing too (I know that feeling).

So the next time timing is right for you, you might have gone through all these thoughts and have a game plan ready to go... I know it helps me to plan - I'm now planning for another club night in a few weeks time... the feeling of butterflies can be a good feeling too..

Katey x